


Spooky Action at a Distance

by enydwi (royal_with_a_story)



Series: Spooky Action [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Tony Stark, Angst, Ballroom Dancing, Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, Bruce Banner Is a Good Bro, Drug Addiction, Genderfluid Loki (Marvel), Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jotunn Loki (Marvel), Loki (Marvel) Does What He Wants, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Multi, Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, Protective Bruce Banner, Protective Steve Rogers, Science Bros, Slow Burn, Slow Dancing, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:40:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 41
Words: 153,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24581683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/royal_with_a_story/pseuds/enydwi
Summary: Loki Laufeyson. A monster. Tony Stark. The Merchant of Death. Both have a lot of blood on their hands. Both living in fear of their soulmate's reaction. Both comforted that the other is just as much a murderer as the other.Soulmate AU where a tally mark appears on your skin for each person your soulmate kills
Relationships: Bruce Banner/Thor, Brunnhilde | Valkyrie/Carol Danvers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Loki/Tony Stark
Series: Spooky Action [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2032963
Comments: 23
Kudos: 70





	1. 1. A Man Can Be Destroyed, but Not Defeated

Tony wasn't sure what day it was. Tony didn't know what time it was. It was light, but that was from his lights. There were no windows, no natural light. He'd done that on purpose. What the purpose was, he couldn't remember. He'd designed the tower, what? A year ago? He'd drunk way too much to remember why he did something so miniscule so long ago. Bruce endlessly complained about it, but Bruce was normally in the medical lab, so it was fine. Tony's workshop was his own, so he'd have it any way he wanted it. Maybe he'd have it a bit less of a mess, but it was too much effort to clean. Besides, why would he clean up when he could pay someone to? He felt bad getting other people to clean up his mess, but he didn't have time. He was an Avenger, and when he wasn't saving the world he was either making something that could or almost drinking himself to death. Then there was the reason that he couldn't let anyone in the workshop. Well, the Avengers were technically allowed in there, but no one else. So he either had to live with the mess or create something to clean it up. He didn't like having to supervise anyone who had to clean it, so he wanted to make something that could clean it. Preferably when he wasn't there. Something that would know exactly what to do without him telling it what to do. Something that knew what the workshop should be like. Of course, he could be using his time to upgrade his suit or work on a new bow for Clint, but he couldn't work in an untidy lab.

Tony was easily distracted. He had been working on a suit upgrade for Rhodey, but he couldn't find his spanner. That's when he started on the bot. Small circular disk, twelve inches to be exact, retractable legs on wheels, six arms so it could multitask. Built in hoover and mop. Compact enough to be out of the way when it wasn't in use. He thought it was good. It just needed to work. He checked the time and put the disk on the floor, programming it into Jarvis' system. That was going to give it the information it needed, he hoped. He'd have to think of a name once it worked. He left the workshop in hope that it would be tidy for his return. In that moment, he thought, he deserved a drink. He always deserved a drink, in his mind. There was never a wrong time for a drink. Sure, everyone he knew disagreed, but they didn't matter. Well, they did, but he thought that they were just doing the whole team thing where they pretend to care about him, and that as soon as the team was over they'd leave. That they were only there for the money. After all, everyone else was.

Steve still didn't like him. That hurt, but he wouldn't let it show. He was always compared to Steve when he was growing up, so having Steve hate him... It opened up a lot of feelings he didn't want to feel. Thor was never around, and when he was he was either eating, shouting or talking about his brother. He didn't seem to dislike Tony, but he didn't seem to like him either. He was always civil though. Plus, Tony couldn't cope with any mention of Loki. Too many memories. So he steered clear of Thor. Natasha seemed to dislike everyone but Clint. Sure, she'd warmed up to the team. Her and Bruce were best friends, her and Steve were closer, her and Thor were civil, and she was respectful of Tony. She knew a lot about him, so Tony always pushed her away. He didn't want anyone to know that much about him. She'd read his SHIELD file, so she couldn't learn any more than that. He was still the genius playboy billionaire philanthropist. He slept with every woman under the sun. Or, that's what he made it seem like. Then there was Clint. They didn't talk much. The most they'd talk was when Tony made him something. Then there was Bruce. He liked Bruce the most, but he put that down to him being the most relatable. Plus, Bruce was the nicest to Tony. He seemed to actually care. Even though Tony thought that that was just an act, he appreciated it. After all, the team only kept him around for his money.

He sighed as he sat on the barstool, opening a new bottle of whiskey. He was always told off for drinking. They'd even tried to put him in rehab, but he managed to get himself out of that. He couldn't let anyone see that he wasn't actually okay. He would never let anyone see that. He couldn't remember the last time he was okay, but that was fine. He didn't need to be okay. He just needed to be alive. He didn't even know how he was alive. He should've died when he fell through the wormhole. So why didn't he? Steve said that it was God. That God wanted him alive. Tony didn't believe in that. He wasn't religious. If there was a god, why would he let people suffer? Well, he couldn't deny that gods were real, after all, he'd been thrown out of a window by one, but that was different. They didn't control the universe. They were just sexy as fuck people who could fight well and fit into a Shakespeare play. Tony's exact wording. The only Asgardians he'd met were Thor and Loki, but they still looked incredible, fought well and absolutely looked as if they'd just come out of a Shakespeare show. He just pictured every Asgardian as that now. Shakespearean sex gods. Something about that sounded good. He didn't even like Shakespeare. Well, it wasn't that he didn't like the guy's work, he just didn't have an interest for it. He was too busy building to get into it.

"Anthony," Thor greeted as he sat next to the inventor.

Tony looked up at the god, frowning when he saw how exhausted he looked. He remembered hearing Thor talk about Asgard, how Loki was causing him grief. As far as Tony knew, Loki was still locked up, but he guessed that the god could be irritating, even when behind bars. Plus, Thor was having troubles when it came to dealing with family in general. Tony didn't know much. He didn't involve himself in team conversation because he didn't want to get attached.

"I told you to just call me Tony," the engineer huffed before taking a sip of his whiskey. He just wanted to wallow in his self pity. He didn't want to risk a stern talk about the risks of alcohol. Then again, it was Thor. Chances are he'd join in.

"Alright, Tony," Thor sighed, opening his hip flask. "What's gotten you down?"

Tony had to think. Did anything have to get him down? Couldn't he just be down anyway? He didn't get it. He didn't think he ever would. He didn't have to have a reason to be down. He just was. He was a selfish, arrogant whore who unintentionally killed thousands of people through his work. Sure, he'd only killed people directly a handful of times, but he still had blood on his hands. Official or not. He was responsible for thousands of deaths, and that was something he could never forgive himself for. Even though it wasn't him directly killing them, he hoped that those deaths wouldn't show for his soulmate. That would look awful. Well, not that his soulmate could say much. He'd killed so many people that the tally marks covered two of Tony's arms. Luckily the marks could be hidden by just running a hand over them, then they'd reappear by doing the same. Tony always had his hidden. He didn't want people to know that his soulmate was a serial killer.

"I don't know. Same old same old," he joked, a smirk on his face. "What about you? Energy seems down, Goldilocks."

Thor smiled sadly and took a sip of his drink. Thor... he was dealing with a lot. He was under pressure to be the perfect prince. He thought they'd already established that he wasn't perfect. After all, wasn't that the reason he was banished to earth? He still hated being reminded of that. He didn't need to be reminded of his failure. The failure to his people. His father. His mother. His brother. Himself. He still felt awful, and he knew that if he hadn't have attacked Jotunheim then none of it would've happened. Maybe then he'd still have his brother.

"Family. Love. The usual," Thor sighed.

Thor's soulmate had killed their fair share of people. He'd seen the tally marks. There was at least an arms full. Tony wouldn't judge. The rest of the team didn't seem to, either. After all, they either were murderers or they were dating murderers. It was a safe space, in that sense. Bruce probably had the most marks, him and Tony probably neck in neck as to who had the most tally marks on their skin. Everyone had seen Bruce's at some point, whether it was an accident or Bruce asking for advice. He was oddly born with some, which had confused everyone. Tony had been told that he'd been born with a few, too. He was told that it was a fluke, or maybe a past life. He didn't know, nor did he want to.

"Have you found your soulmate yet? Or are you still scared that Bruce hates you because of how many people you've killed?" Tony asked. He didn't know if Thor's soulmate was actually Bruce, but it made sense. The two were head over heels for each other.

"Of course he would hate me! He's covered in marki-" the god paused, looking at Tony with a defeated yet amused smile. "Well done, Stark."

Tony smiled triumphantly. He'd outsmarted a god. That didn't happen every day. Well, it did, for him at least. It was still a good bragging right. A good conversation starter, he thought. He'd even managed to outsmart Loki. He seemed smarter than his brother. Or wiser, at least. He didn't know about smart. He sighed and finished the bottle before grabbing a new one. He never knew when to stop.

"Wasn't hard to figure out. He was born with marks, had to be someone who's old as fuck. Plus, you've got a few marks too. Hulk isn't innocent. Besides, you two are so flustered and lovey-dovey around each other. It's clear you have feelings for each other," Tony shrugged.

He wanted his friends to be happy. They deserved it, he thought. He just wanted to meet his soulmate. To see what they were like. To see if they were a crazed murderer or someone like him. A blind idiot who didn't realise that he was hurting others. He wanted to know if those deaths counted as a tally. He wanted to know how many people he'd actually killed. He didn't count. It was hard to in the middle of a fight. Besides, they were bad guys. They didn't count.

"And what of your soulmate, Stark? I've never seen a mark on you. Either you're hiding them, or you've got a good soulmate," Thor enquired.

The whole group were curious. They'd all seen each others marks, but not Tony's. Natasha had twenty three, Clint had four, Thor had roughly one hundred, Bruce had... too many to count, and Steve had fifteen. They didn't know how many Tony had. Tony didn't even know. There had to be hundreds of them.

"Think I'm more concerned with how many they have," Tony sighed before taking another sip of his drink.

They all knew about his past, though Steve was the only one who judged him. After all, Howard Stark would never do something as reckless as unintentionally kill hundreds of people. Tony had tried to tell Steve that he was wrong, but Steve wouldn't have any of it. Not without proof. Tony didn't want to think of his father, so he never provided the proof. If he could live believing his father was perfect, he would, so he would let Steve live that fantasy. The one he so desperately wanted.

"Tony... your past doesn't define you. Think of the thousands of people I've killed, yet you say Bruce still likes me. Besides, your past is misunderstood. You tried helping others, and though you did, others were disadvantaged. I understand. Though... in most situations, in order for people to win, others will lose. That's something that I learnt the hard way. I saved an entire race, though by doing so, I lost my brother."

Tony could hear the pain behind Thor's words. Tony would never understand. Loki was a cold-hearted monster. He didn't know how Thor could still care about him. Even if they were family. It seemed wrong. Especially since they'd worked out that one hundred and thirty nine people died when Loki attacked New York, and there was the fact he'd tried to destroy an entire race. Just those two events led to around three hundred deaths, and that's without the wars he'd fought in. He didn't understand how Thor could still care. How he could still call that monster his brother.

"You didn't lose him. He's still alive. Still think he should've been killed."

Thor looked disgruntled at that. Tony had heard him rant often enough to know what was wrong. He believed that Loki was still good. That almost destroying an entire realm and trying to take over earth was just a little hiccup. That he didn't mean to do it. That that wasn't his brother. Of course, that was just bullshit, in Tony's opinion. He wasn't there for the first part, but when Loki was hell-bent on ruling the world... Tony was there. Tony was thrown out of a window. He'd seen people die. He'd seen the chaos and destruction caused. Tony didn't know how Thor could move past all of that. Even if he was a god, he had to realise how bad it was. 

"He's being suitably punished on Asgard. You needn't say how you wish him dead," Thor frowned, starting to get defensive. "He's still my brother."

Tony shook his head. He knew they'd never agree. He felt bad, for wishing someone dead, but at the same time, he really didn't. He was almost killed. Twice. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't look out the window. He could barely be at the bar. He couldn't cope with his life, all because a bratty god wanted more. He'd lost the one person he loved. He lost what was left of his mental stability. He lost almost everything because of that fight, and he would never forgive Loki for that. If there was a way he could have revenge... he'd jump at it. He hated revenge, normally. He didn't think it was worth it. Though in this instance, he was angry. He felt true hatred for the first time in his life, and he wanted the god to suffer. Suffer like the people who were killed. Suffer like the people who were hurt. Suffer like Tony did. He didn't get how the god being locked in a luxury cage was justice. It was damage control at best. Sure, nothing would bring back the people who were killed and all that was lost, but it would bring peace of mind. It would bring justice.

"Thor, buddy, he's still alive. You haven't lost him. He's just shown his true colours," Tony sighed before he grabbed his bottle and got up. "Thanks for the talk. Just go and talk to Bruce. Tell him how you like him. He really likes you, and you'd both be happier the sooner you two realise it. Be grateful that your soulmate accepts the marks. Have a good night, Hammer Time."

Tony left without a word, letting Thor mull over his words. He went to his room, still clutching his bottle. Thankfully the rest of the Avengers were in their rooms, so they didn't see that he was drinking. He didn't doubt that they'd find out, though. He just needed some time. He couldn't handle the thought of Loki. The memories haunted him. There wasn't a day that passed that he didn't think of it. That he didn't see the god's face as he was thrown out of the window. Or the malicious smirk when he was defeated. He didn't know why he was reacting the way he was. He didn't know if it was actually that bad, or if he was overreacting. He'd always been called a drama queen. Mainly by his father, but Pepper always said that he had a flair for the dramatics. He couldn't deny it, he did like making his grand entrances. Part of him was scared that he would always suffer. That he'd always be haunted by the memories. The idea drove him to anger. He couldn't stop the rage from shaking his body, his heartbeat violently thumping in his chest, as if it wanted to break free. The way his mind clouded as if it couldn't see past the deafening rage. He let out a low scream as he threw the half empty bottle at the wall, watching the glass shatter and fall against the floor, the liquid dripping down the wall. The sound was deafening, making him instantly regret it. He heard Jarvis speak up, but he immediately muted the AI. Everything was so loud. Were they always that loud? He couldn't remember. He didn't notice. He turned the lights off, hoping that that would help make things quieter. He stumbled in the direction of the bed, hoping to sleep the rage away. He didn't want to be angry. He didn't want to be sad. He didn't want to feel anything. He felt a wetness on his foot, even a bit of a sting, but he couldn't figure out what it was. He barely even registered it. He finally collapsed onto his bed, almost instantly falling into a deep slumber. He hadn't slept in... he didn't know how long. All he knew was he was exhausted, and if he could sleep and never wake up, he'd take that. Anything to make the pain stop. 

\--------------------------------------------------------

Tony woke up to Jarvis speaking, something about breakfast. He didn't register exactly what was said. He groaned and slowly sat up, barely registering the hangover. He felt dizzy and tired, but the headache... That was just the usual at this point. He stood up, instantly wincing at the pain in his foot. He sat down and checked his foot, seeing blood all over it. He looked around his room before seeing the glass on the floor. He should've known. He didn't want to deal with it, but he knew it could get infected if he didn't. He just wanted everything to stop.

"Hey, Jarvis, run a scan. See if there's any glass in my foot," Tony said, trying to figure out how he'd deal with it. He couldn't see any glass, so he knew it had to be fairly deep if there was any. That concerned him.

"There seems to be six fragments of glass, sir," Jarvis replied after a few seconds. "Contacting Doctor Banner now."

Tony hesitated. Was it bad? What would Bruce say? He didn't want another lecture on drinking. He was fed up of being lectured. Then again, he knew he wouldn't be able to get the glass out of his foot on his own. He needed Bruce. He sighed in defeat and got up. He limped over to the en suite, grabbing a flannel and cleaning the blood off his foot. He kept hissing and wincing, but mainly out of surprise. Who knew that it would hurt so bad? He just wanted the pain to stop. It was all so overwhelming. If he couldn't be happy, pain-free, then he didn't want to feel anything. He heard the door open before the footsteps that grew louder the closer they got. Bruce appeared in the doorway, looking concerned. He looked genuinely worried, which almost made Tony feel bad. Why did he always have to hurt others? 

"Tony? What happened?" Bruce asked softly.

Bruce never yelled at him. He never argued with him. He never attacked him. He was almost exactly like a disappointed father. He would give the best disappointment look, that could even make Tony feel bad. He just wanted to stop disappointing Bruce, but that never seemed to happen. It wasn't easy. Bruce always seemed disappointed in him, but to be disappointed he had to care, which Tony doubted he did. He felt bad doubting it, but he couldn't live his life believing a lie, no matter how good it sounded. 

"I can't remember. I just know that there's glass in my foot," Tony shrugged as if it was the most normal thing in the world. As if it had magically appeared.

Bruce just gave Tony the most disappointed look he could muster before he lead the mechanic to his lab. He just knew that it would be a long day.

\-------------------------------------------------

Loki... was being typical Loki. He was behaving. Well, what behaving meant for Loki. He was causing mischief, but wasn't harming anyone. Annoying the guards? Absolutely. No hurting people, though. He had to be on his best behaviour if he wanted to escape. Was it hard? Definitely. He wanted nothing more than to tear the limbs off the guards that came in at night. Frigga and Thor were naïve to think that the torment had stopped. How could it stop with Odin encouraging it? He couldn't say that though. He had to stay silent. He couldn't risk telling them the truth. He was lucky that he was only confined to his room, not a cell like usual. He had all the materials he needed and free control over his magic. He was in the best position he could be in. But that wasn't enough.

He had a plan to escape, and he'd be damned if he failed.


	2. 2. Show Yourself

Tony wasn't sure what was going on. It could've been the effects of the numerous Irish coffees he'd drunk, but he wouldn't admit that. One moment everything was normal, Steve was giving him the 'it's too early to be mixing alcohol and coffee' talk, Natasha was watching amusedly, Clint was defending Tony and even made his own Irish coffee, Bruce was trying to sleep and Thor was nowhere to be seen. Now... Thor had come back and has invited them all to a ball. A ball on Asgard. Bruce jumped at the opportunity and said yes without hesitation. The rest of the team eventually agreed, which meant Tony had to. Tony wasn't happy about it. Until he realised there would be alcohol. Then he could be swayed.

"Tony, you're not going to get drunk. This is somewhere we have to be respectable," Steve frowned, his usual disappointed anger screaming through his ocean eyes.

Tony had had a bad day, so Steve lecturing him was the last straw. First, he'd woken up with glass in his foot, then he'd had a lecture from Bruce about taking care of himself, then Steve lecturing him on his alcohol consumption, then Thor inviting them to Asgard, now Steve lecturing him again. He hadn't even had the chance to look at his new toy. He felt like a kid, feeling disappointed because of that, but it was an important thing! He needed a clean lab!

"I never mentioned drinking, so calm your chariot," Tony replied, rolling his eyes.

Clint sat back, sipping his coffee. Natasha gently whacked his arm, seeing how the archer was enjoying the daily argument. No matter what happened, Tony and Steve just couldn't see eye to eye. No one really knew why. Of course, Steve and Tony had their own personal issues with each other. Tony had grown up with stories about Captain America. How perfect he was. How he was the son Howard never had. How Tony could never live up to him. Tony initially loved Captain America and strived to be better than him. Howard never saw that though. He just saw Tony Stark. The kid who could never do enough. The kid who was never worth his time. The kid who would never be enough. Tony knew that it wasn't right for him to take all that trauma out on Steve, but he didn't know how to process it. He never meant to do it, it just came out. He felt bad, but until Steve started being nice, he wouldn't apologise.

"We can't go anywhere without you ruining it by drinking!" Steve started to raise his voice, revealing just how angry he was.

"And we can't go anywhere without you ruining it by constantly lecturing us!" Tony yelled, standing up as he did. "I can do whatever the fuck I want! I'm not a child, Rogers! I never have been! I know what I'm doing and if I want to drink myself to death, then so fucking be it! Why do you even care?"

The rest of the team went quiet, seeming surprised by Tony's sudden outburst. Sure, they knew Tony wasn't dealing with everything as well as he made out he was, but they'd never seen him yell. They'd never seen him lose his temper. Not with Loki. Not with Ultron. Not with anything. He'd always been calm and relatively collected. Seeing him yell at Steve... They can't say they didn't expect it, but they were still surprised. Tony Stark had finally been pushed over the edge. Bruce could figure out why this had happened when it did, but he doubted the rest of the team, apart from Natasha, would figure it out. They had no reason to notice the timing.

"I care because we're a team!" Steve replied, his anger growing with each passing second.

"You only care about the money!" Tony snapped in reply, instantly grabbing everyone's attention. "Let's face it, I wouldn't be on this team if I didn't have the money! So stop with all this bullshit that you care about me because you don't! You just don't want me dead because then you risk losing the money!"

Tony missed the looks of confusion. No one thought that. They were all surprised that Tony believed that they were only using him for money. Even Steve was surprised. No one knew what to say after that, but the silent agreement was that Steve should be the first to speak. Partially because he started it, and he was the team leader. They would all use that to their advantage at times. If no one wanted to do something, the team leader had to do it. Steve didn't like it, but at the same time, he wouldn't have it any other way. None of them could grasp the fact that Tony thought he was only on the team because he paid for everything. Hearing that broke Bruce's heart. He could see where the thought came from, but he thought that they'd built up trust. He was in shock, as was the rest of the team.

"Tony, that's... That's not true," Steve frowned. He saw that Tony was about to reply so he quickly spoke up again. "If it was about the money, do you really think we'd be here right now? Together, for no reason? We all have our own places, but we want to be here. We're grateful for everything you've done for the team, but... you're a member of this team because you want to make the world a better place. Hell, you risked your life to make sure that a couple of hundred people survived. That's why you're on the team. Not for your money, but because you're just as much a hero as the rest of us."

Tony went quiet. They wanted to see that as a good sign, but no one could tell. No one could ever tell how Tony felt because he wouldn't let them. Natasha was the first to clock it. That his entire personality was an act. The Tony she met in two thousand and eleven wasn't the real Tony Stark. She'd only seen glimpses of the real Tony Stark. The first when he woke up after falling from the wormhole. Then a couple of glimpses when he was either drunk or at ease with the team. Bruce knew Tony fairly well. They'd worked together enough for Bruce to clock Tony's mental state. He could tell when Tony was in a good place and a bad place. Sure, it had taken a few years, but there were small tells. The cockier he got, the worse he felt. Bruce found it weird but put it down to unhealthy coping mechanisms. But they could all see that Tony was shocked. Tony wasn't ever expecting to hear Steve say those words. He didn't expect to hear those words anyway, but Steve saying them threw him even more.

"You're our friend, Tony. We care about you, not your money," Natasha replied softly. Tony would have to believe her, she thought, as she didn't say anything unless she meant it.

Tony sighed and shook his head, sitting down in defeat. He felt awful. He just wanted to drink until life became easy again. He didn't think it would ever get easier, but he could dream. He could dream that life would be easy again. That maybe, just maybe, he could be happy again. Truly happy. Not just the brief flash of happiness when he was having fun with his friends, but the happiness that stuck around. He hadn't felt that since he was a kid, and he genuinely missed the feeling.

"So when do we leave for Asgard?" Tony asked Thor, wanting to change the subject. He knew that the subject wouldn't be dropped forever, but maybe just for now. He could deal with that.

"Tonight, preferably. The ball begins tomorrow at noon, and it will continue until late. Father wishes to meet you all and thank you for your aid in stopping my brother," Thor explained with a smile, clearly happy with the plan.

"And... the situation with your brother?" Bruce questioned. "Don't want to risk the big guy coming out," he added quickly, wanting to make it seem like he was asking for himself, not for Tony. Nobody had caught on either way.

"He won't be bothering us. He's got guards watching him twenty-four seven. There is no way he'd be at the ball."

Tony felt relieved at that. So there was no chance he'd run into Loki? He was in. Well, he'd rather not go to space, but he knew he didn't have much of a choice. He just had to go with it. As long as Loki wasn't there, he could deal with it. Well, in theory, he could, anyway. He was glad Bruce asked, otherwise he knew he would've had an even rougher evening. Even though they'd been told that Loki was locked in a cell, he didn't ever want to risk bumping into him. So if Thor said there was no chance he'd be there, that he was constantly supervised by guards, then everything was fine.

\------------------------------------------

Nothing was fine. What should he pack? Normal clothes didn't seem to be what was worn on Asgard, going by what the gods he'd met wore. He'd even consulted with Bruce, but Bruce just said that he was taking a suit and some nice clothes. What does one wear to meet the King and Queen of a planet? That was something Tony never thought he'd have to worry about, but it wasn't the worst thing he'd had to worry about over the years. Meeting aliens just became the new norm for him. Eventually, he just packed his favourite black suit with a white shirt and a nice tie, and some of his nicer casual outfits, some being nice trousers and a t-shirt, others being his usual band shirts and jeans. If they wanted to meet him, he may as well be authentic to himself. He'd found out that they'd be staying for three days, which wasn't too bad. Then he could come back and check in on his little cleaning robot and carry on with everything he was on half making. He was working on upgrades for almost everyone, he didn't have time to go to Asgard.

He'd wondered what Asgard was like. After meeting Loki and Thor, and seeing what Thor was like on Earth, he imagined it to be old-world, very high-fantasy. He was excited to see it. He was petrified, he hated space and didn't want to go into it again, but the potential for technology ideas would be incredible. He could make things suited to gods, he could learn more about their magic and harness it into his technology. Maybe some scientists could help him? He could feel himself grow more and more excited with each passing second. His technology combined with godly magic would be an incredible use to protect Earth. He had to do it. He didn't have anyone to tell him otherwise anymore.

He frowned and looked down at his arms. He always knew that Pepper wasn't his soulmate, but it didn't stop him from loving her. He genuinely loved her. He bit his lip and ran his hand over his left arm, the endless tally marks appearing on his skin. It didn't matter how many people his soulmate had killed. Who could ever love Tony Stark? He was too selfish. Too selfless. Too much of a whore. Too much of a prude. He was too distant. He was too overprotective. No matter what he did, he could never get it right. Pepper said that she couldn't be with someone who was so mentally unstable, that he cared too much about the world and others, and not enough about himself. He took a deep breath and bit his lip, his mind racing with thoughts. His soulmate had killed a lot of people. He didn't know how to feel. Bruce didn't until he met Thor, Tony remembered. Maybe Tony's soulmate was an alien? He didn't know. Even if his soulmate was an alien, why had they killed so many people? Were they like Thor and doing it for the good of the universe? Or were they the opposite?

A knock on the door made Tony jump, but he instantly got up to answer it. When he saw Bruce standing there, he smiled in relief. He didn't want to deal with anyone, but Bruce was the exception. Bruce was his science bro, his best friend. He would always be happy to spend time with Bruce.

"Hey, what's up?" Tony asked, opening his door wider as a silent invitation.

"I just wanted to check on you before we go," Bruce replied as he walked inside.

Bruce looked around the room, which was just as messy as usual, if not worse. There were smashed photo frames around the room, and the ones that were still in one piece were flipped upside down, the picture facing the surface. The sheets were brand new ones, ones Bruce hadn't seen before, and the mini-fridge was full of beer. On the desk laid numerous pieces of technology that Bruce didn't even recognise. He sighed sadly, knowing that a few days away from this room, away from his technology, would do him good. He turned back to look at Tony, spotting the packed bag on his bed.

"How're you dealing?" Bruce asked. He didn't ask softly, he didn't ask as if he was asking a child, he asked as if he was asking a mentally stable adult, which Tony appreciated.

"Well... as well as I can. I just... didn't expect that from Steve, y' know? Him lecturing me about drinking mixed with the worry of seeing Loki, I just... I snapped, and I shouldn't have, but... I wasn't expecting him to say that," Tony explained. Bruce looked shocked, but so did Tony. Neither of them expected him to be honest about his feelings.

"Tony, we all care about you. We all love having you on the team, and not for your money, but for you. I know that you've been used for your money before, but... we're here to stay, money or no money. Because we're not here for that. We're here because you're a great guy, and... Tony, you're one of the best people I know, and I don't say that lightly. Don't underestimate yourself. Not your abilities, but yourself. Because you're a pretty cool guy," Bruce smiled softly. "Not that you need an ego boost or anything," he added, knowing that it was best to lighten the situation.

Tony laughed softly and sat down on the bed, Bruce following suit. Tony actually believed Bruce. He had a point. They all knew that Tony would fund the Avengers, no matter what. That he'd always support them financially and provide all the equipment they could ever need. Why would they stick around when the funding was always guaranteed?

"Thank you," Tony smiled softly. "So... how are things going with Thor?"

Tony hadn't told Bruce that he'd figured it out, so that was a surprise to the doctor. Well, Tony didn't think that Bruce knew that Thor liked him. The two were oblivious when it came to flirting. Thor always got flustered around Bruce, and Bruce never quite knew how to act around Thor. Tony and Natasha had placed bets on how long it would take before they got together, and who would be the first to initiate it. Natasha said a year and Thor, Tony said six months and Bruce. Of course, Tony had always planned on playing Cupid. He was hoping that their getaway to Asgard would speed things along, and if it did, it would play perfectly into his plan. Sure, the bet was good motivation, but the main thing was seeing them happy. He wanted his friends to be happy.

"I- uh- you, uh, you know?" Bruce asked, going bright red. Tony had to laugh at that. Bruce had never been good with romantic feelings.

"Yeah, wasn't hard to figure out, sweetcorn," Tony replied with an amused smirk. "Thor's head over heels for you. Make the most of this time away. Get to know him, spend more time with him. Maybe even tell him how you feel. Don't even come at me with the 'he doesn't like me back' bullshit. I spoke to him last night. Can't remember much, but what I do remember is tricking him into admitting that he likes you."

Bruce went quiet. How could he react? He'd liked Thor from the moment he laid eyes on the god. He didn't think that it was a good idea to be sleeping with someone on the team, so he suppressed the feelings, hoping they'd go away. He didn't want it to get in the way of missions. He didn't want to cause any inconvenience. If saving the world meant that he couldn't be with his soulmate... he'd live with it. If there was the possibility of them being together, he'd jump at it, but he didn't see the possibility.

"I don't know, Tony," Bruce said, sounding defeated. "I'll think about it. I just... I don't want to do something that could disrupt the team."

"Bullshit, Banner!" Tony chuckled, clearly enjoying tormenting the poor scientist. "For once, fuck the team. Do what makes you happy. The team won't run smoothly if our two strongest aren't focused on the world. Now listen to me, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with your soulmate. So for the next few days, get to know Thor for who he really is, and maybe even dance with him at the ball. Ask him on a date, and see what happens, because you both deserve the happiness that comes with being with your soulmate."

Bruce smiled slightly, looking at Tony. Bruce hadn't thought that ignoring his feelings would distract him and that it could impact the team. He thought the opposite. Maybe admitting his feelings and maybe even being with Thor would prove to be an advantage for the team. He hadn't expected Tony to give good advice, but he never knew what to expect from Tony. All he knew was he wanted this Tony to stick around. He wanted the real Tony to come out more often, for him to let his guard down like he was doing then. He knew it would take time for the façade to come down completely, but he'd always be there, supporting his best friend each step of the way. After all, Tony had helped him through so much, it was the least he could do.

"Thank you, Tony. I... I appreciate it," Bruce replied, still smiling. Tony just nodded in acknowledgement, seeming happy himself. Bruce's eyes wandered to the marks visible on Tony's arms, making his eyes widen. He'd never seen Tony's marks before, but he could see why he kept them hidden. He understood it. He'd kept his hidden for years. "Maybe you'll find your soulmate this weekend."

Tony's eyes widened, realising he'd forgotten to hide them. He looked down at the little pale tally marks that covered his arms, but he didn't hide them. Bruce had already seen them. What was the point? At least it was Bruce who'd seen them. He'd understand. After all, they were in the same boat, being covered in the markings.

"Yeah... Never really considered the possibility of them being an alien," Tony sighed, his mood dropping.

"Tony..." Bruce frowned, wanting to comfort the other. "It's scary. I know it is. The possibility of your soulmate being a serial killer, but... the universe works in strange ways. Maybe they're someone like us, but... more murderous, or maybe they're someone like Thor, someone who's fought in countless wars and has killed countless people for the good of the universe. It's... it's hard. It will be until you find them, but... they're easily hidden. You don't have to be ashamed of them, though. They don't represent you. I just... you need to trust your feelings. Listen to them. When you find your soulmate, then hopefully you'll get the answer you want."

Tony nodded quietly, knowing that Bruce was right. He just wanted them gone. He wanted to get rid of them, but he couldn't. He didn't want to have a murderous soulmate. He wanted someone like Pepper. He genuinely loved Pepper, but he knew that they weren't soulmates. That was an odd feeling. He loved her but knew that it wouldn't last. It hurt, but he accepted it. That was the story of his life.

"Thank you. I just... you're right. I shouldn't let it control me, but... it's hard," Tony replied quietly. "Thank you for... being there. I really appreciate it."

"Hey, no problem. I've always got your back, Tony. You're my best friend, and that will never change," Bruce said softly, making Tony smile. Not the camera smile, not the smile he put on around others, but a genuine smile. One that reached his eyes. One that Bruce was so happy to see. "So how about we go switch the labels on the salt and sugar pots?"

\----------------------------------------

News of the ball had spread, Loki could almost guarantee that it had spread through the majority of the universe. He'd had a letter from a friend, saying how he'd heard about the ball and how he hoped that it would give Loki a bit of a rest, saying how the god deserved it. Once he was free, he thought, he'd go to Sakaar. It was the only place he knew he was welcomed, no matter what happened. Though if the Grandmaster knew of the ball, that meant others knew. That meant that he could be in danger. He put the letter down and walked out to the balcony, seeing the stars light up the dark sky. He used to love stargazing with Frigga. They'd stay up until Odin chased them in, just watching the stars. They always talked about the possibilities of what was up there. What secrets they may never find out. Now he knew those secrets, and the stars weren't the same. He doubted they ever would be. His head snapped down when he saw people walking through the garden. Six people. He instantly recognised them. Even though it was all blurry, even though there were only a few moments he could remember, he would never forget the six faces that stared down at him. The six he hurt so badly. He smirked mischievously, seeing at least one head turn up to look at him. He couldn't let them see him falter at his realisation.

Of course, the Avengers would be at the ball. He was stupid to think otherwise.

His escape just got ten times harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this! I never expected this to get as much attention as it has, but I really appreciate it! Loki and Tony meet in the next chapter, so hold onto your hats because things get dramatic! Again, thank you and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	3. 3. I'll Be Dancing On My Own

Tony had never seen anything like it. He didn't know what he was expecting, but it wasn't that. Although it did explain a lot about Thor. Thor led them around the palace, showing them to their individual rooms, the dining room, the ballroom, the library, the healing room, and lastly, the garden. Tony had never been one for gardens, but the place was so elegant. He could see a woman, she looked to be in her forties, definitely older than Thor, crouching down next to some flowers, gold magic seeping through her hands. He should've guessed that it was kept alive by magic.

Tony was in awe. Asgard was so much more beautiful than he'd ever imagined. He'd only seen a tiny fragment of it, from the Bifrost to the palace, but it was beautiful. He could see why Thor loved it. The people seemed nice enough, but he didn't know if that was just because they were visitors. He hadn't met the king and queen yet though, and he was still nervous to do that. Even though Thor had assured them that his parents were lovely and they were excited to finally meet them, it was terrifying to meet the king and queen of Asgard. Especially since they were gods. He took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself, trying to look at the different colours to ground himself. He looked up at the palace, only to find a figure on a balcony, watching them. He squinted slightly, only to gasp when he realised who it was. That wasn't possible. Thor said that he was in a cell. What kind of cell had a balcony? Bruce, who was standing right next to Tony, heard the engineer gasp and he followed his gaze, only for him to tense as he saw the smirking god, looking directly at them.

Tony didn't know how he felt. He felt scared. Sick. Angry. Petrified. Sad. Shit. He didn't know what to do. It was as if he was frozen on the spot. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to punch the smirk off of the god's face, but he couldn't get close enough. He was assured he wouldn't see Loki. So why could he see the god? Why was the god smirking directly at them, as if he knew the fear he caused Tony? As if he knew how his appearance would torture the mechanic?

"Ah, yes, that's quite enough of the garden now. Let's head in," Thor rushed out, realising why the team had gone quiet.

How did Thor think he was going to get away with hiding the fact Loki wasn't in a cell? There were guards outside Loki's room, both day and night, and of course, he had a balcony! Thor cursed himself for forgetting that. Though at least with the Avengers around, there was a small chance Loki would do anything. He supposed that that was good, in a way, but now he had to explain why the homicidal maniac wasn't 'rotting in a cell', as Thor had originally told the team.

They all followed Thor into a room, one that was linked to the garden but had a table and chairs, even a couple sofas. There were steps to go down to the communal area of the room, the top being level with the garden. Tony rushed in, trying to forget about what he saw. He kept focusing on colours. Gold. Red. Silver. Gold. Silver. Gold. Red. Why was everything the same colour? Bruce rushed over to the scientist and tried to calm him down, instructing him to breathe in time with him. Bruce didn't quite know what else to do. Tony's anxiety wasn't really a secret anymore. Not after the third time, Thor mentioned Loki. Tony had a panic attack right there and then, in front of the entire team. It was a shock to them, they hadn't even realised that Tony was struggling, Tony kept his usual façade up and no one realised. Then again, who could go through a wormhole and almost die and be okay? They beat themselves up over it, all feeling guilty that they hadn't noticed. Since then, they kept clear of anything that could be linked to Loki, and they'd always be on hand to calm Tony down if he needed it. They genuinely cared about him, and they all hoped he'd be able to see that one day.

"I'm truly sorry. I didn't think he'd come out of his room," Thor explained, already feeling bad.

Clint was visibly struggling to stay calm, either from anxiety or rage, not even Natasha could tell. She stayed by Clint's side, trying to silently assure him that she was there. He had struggled considerably after the incident. Sometimes he'd wake up in a sweat, unsure if he was being controlled again or not. It was hard to see her friend struggle so much. It was hard for her to see both Clint and Tony struggle so much after what happened. Steve watched his teammates either struggle to stay calm or try to keep the others calm, feeling his rage grow.

"You didn't think he'd come out of his room?" Steve asked, struggling to keep his anger under control. "What happened to him staying in a cell for the rest of his life?!"

Thor went to speak but stopped himself. He didn't know whether or not to tell the truth. He wanted to, but how bad would that affect the team? Did he even have to give a reason? Probably. He knew that that was probably the best course of action. He didn't want to lose the trust between the team. He knew that they wouldn't understand. At the end of the day, Loki was his brother. No matter what happened, even if he was adopted, the younger Aesir would always be his brother. As much as he loved the team, his brother would always be his priority.

"He wasn't safe in the cells," Thor explained, trying to skip around the truth as much as possible. "We had to move him somewhere safer, which we thought could be his room. There are guards outside his room at all times and his magic is dampened. He can't escape, nor can he bring harm to anyone."

Clint glared at Thor, shaking with anger. He couldn't believe it. He'd never recovered after being controlled by the god, and he wanted justice. He didn't get it, but he knew that he'd gotten the best he'd get. Now the god is living in luxury without having to worry about anything? His fear was slowly being replaced with anger, barely able to control it.

"He wasn't safe? None of us are safe, Thor!" Clint raised his voice, but no one made a move to stop him from speaking. "He's responsible for hundreds of deaths! He almost killed all of us! Don't you remember that he stabbed you? Let's face it, Thor, he was more than willing to kill you to get control of a world! How can you even excuse him? How can you even begin to defend him? If he was my brother, I would've killed him the second I had the chance!"

They all went quiet. How could they reply? Natasha sighed and gently pat Clint's shoulder, quietly comforting the assassin. Thor was angry, yes. How could anyone say that about his brother? Of course, Loki was meant for the axe. Thor was prepared to fight if that was the case, but Loki had gotten lucky by just being imprisoned. He couldn't even see him. He was ashamed. He felt like he'd failed as a brother. After all, why would Loki hate him so much unless he'd done something? He went to reply, to defend his beloved brother when a soft voice interrupted.

"You all have your reasons to worry," the woman started. Tony recognised the woman from the garden, the one that was tending to the plants. She stood tall and proud, even regal. "I can assure you that my son will bring no harm to anyone, nor will he be heard from. He's confined to his room, and he will not be leaving it. Not even for the ball. I know that he's caused a lot of damage, and I'm truly sorry for all that he's done, though I wish this won't impact your visit. It's truly a delight to have you all here, and to have Loki's presence ruin it would be an awful shame."

Tony's eyes widened. Of course, she was the queen. Well, she must be. She referred to Loki as her son. It made sense with the way Thor shrunk when she spoke up, as if he was about to be scolded by his mother. They all realised within seconds, and no one quite knew how to react. Do they bow? That was Steve's main concern. He'd never met royalty before. He wanted to make a good impression, but how did he do that? Were Asgardian customs different to Earth? He smiled warmly, trying to stay calm and collected.

"It won't ruin our visit, we were just surprised to see him, is all," Steve explained with his perfect smile. Of course, Steve was the father of the group. He'd have to be the one to address the queen.

"Of course. I cannot ask for forgiveness after his crimes, nor can I begin to right the wrongs he did, though I hope there won't be any hard feelings towards us. The realm doesn't speak for him, nor vice versa." Frigga looked over all of them, and Tony realised that she essentially screamed 'mother'. Even though she'd only been in the room a few seconds, Tony could tell how kind and caring she was. That made him hate Loki even more. She seemed like an amazing mother. Why would Loki ever go against that? That brat had everything he could ever need, but he still wanted more. Tony took a deep breath, trying to keep his anger under control.

"Of course. We wouldn't hold anything against Asgard, or anyone who lives here. There are no hard feelings, your majesty," Steve smiled in reply, being his usual charming self. Yet he wondered where his nickname 'prince charming' came from?

"My name is Frigga, you can address me as such," She replied, her smile only growing. "Now, you've all got an early start tomorrow. It's best you all go to bed. I'll see you at the ball. It was a pleasure meeting you all."

Frigga turned away and left, going back into the garden. None of them quite knew what to say. Tony was in awe. He wasn't expecting the queen to be so nice. They all looked at Thor, who seemed pretty smug. They couldn't exactly argue with the queen, and she'd backed Thor up. He smirked smugly, knowing that they couldn't carry on with the argument.

"You heard the queen, off to bed," Thor taunted, earning the finger from Tony. They all laughed as they left the room, heading to their rooms.

At that moment, Tony couldn't help but think that the weekend wouldn't be as bad as he originally feared it would be.

\-------------------------------------------

Tony looked in the mirror one last time. He was dressed in a jet black suit with a white shirt and black tie. He looked formal, but he didn't think he was dressed up enough. All of the Aesir would be in their formal gear, he knew that Thor would be in his armour. How could he compare to that? He took a deep breath before he opened the door, seeing Bruce waiting for him. Bruce was in a formal grey suit, looking just as formal as Tony. At least he knew that the rest of the Avengers were dressing, well, human.

"Let's get this party started!" Tony grinned and grabbed Bruce's hand, dragging him to pick up the rest of their team.

Tony was nervous, sure, but he wouldn't show it. Why would he, when he could just drink the feelings away instead? He just wanted to go home and drink there, but Thor had never let him have any Asgardian alcohol before, so he wanted to try it. If it killed him, then it was fine! At least he'd experienced it. He couldn't stop thinking about Loki, either. On the way to the ballroom, they'd pass the gods bedroom. Well, they guessed that it was his. There were four guards outside of it, all heavily armed. It was easy to guess that there was something in there that wasn't meant to come out, and it lined up with the balcony they saw the god on the previous day. That threw Tony. Loki was close to the ballroom. Fifteen hallways away from the Ballroom. Too close for comfort. So of course, with that knowledge, as soon as they were in the ballroom, Tony made a dive for the drinks. Clint followed, being Tony's unofficial drinking buddy for the night. It wasn't a good idea, but was any of it? Was it a good idea to be on Asgard? Not really, but he had to live with it. Tony could see Steve's disapproving look. He didn't care, but maybe Steve had a point. It was only midday, he couldn't get drunk so soon. So maybe he'd space his drinks out. Just maybe.

Bruce took a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm. He didn't want to make a fool of himself. He could see women flirting with the prince on the other side of the room, and that pained him more than he wanted to admit. He looked at Tony, seeing he was with the rest of the team. They'd look after him. He just needed to listen to Tony's advice. He had to flirt. He walked up to Thor, his heart fluttering when he saw the god smile at him. It was too late to back down now. What if Thor hated him? What if Tony was wrong? Then again, when was the mechanic wrong? There was a reason he was cocky, after all. He bit his lip and stood in front of the taller, smiling calmly. He wasn't calm, and he didn't get how he was portraying serenity, but he was so grateful that he was.

"Hey," Bruce said with a smile. "Nice party."

Why did he say that? Bruce started panicking even more. That wasn't a good thing to say. What was he? A frat boy trying to pick up girls at the bar? He was mortified. He hated it. Why couldn't he flirt? Why was he so awkward? Why was Thor's laugh so nice? Wait, Thor was laughing?

"Well, this is my parent's doing, not mine," Thor replied amusedly. Maybe Bruce didn't say anything bad, after all. "You look good, Banner."

Bruce felt himself melt. Why was he reacting like that? It made his nerves so much worse. What if Thor could tell? What if Thor was just messing with him? No. The god was too nice for that. He wouldn't do that. Well, hopefully, anyway. He just wanted to get it over with. Ask, and live with the consequences, but he was petrified. He wanted nothing more than to dance with Thor, but what if that was frowned upon on Asgard? He could only see people of the opposite sex dancing, no same-sex couples. That was unnerving. He didn't want to get Thor in trouble.

"You look amazing yourself, Thor," Bruce smiled, his nerves showing slightly through his fidgeting. He looked at Thor before noticing some women walking towards them. He was running out of time. "How about we dance?"

Bruce felt his heart stop. Why did he ask? Why did he think that it was okay to ask? He was stupid. He shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have listened to Tony. When was listening to Tony ever a good idea? He should've known. He felt his blood rush to his cheeks as he started picking at his fingers in nerves. He went to speak up again but was interrupted by Thor.

"Why, Bruce, I'd be honoured," Thor smiled and held his hand out for Bruce to take.

Bruce saw the women who were approaching them stop suddenly, seeing Thor hold his hand out for Bruce to take. It wasn't done on Asgard. Even Odin was surprised. Bruce looked up at Thor, seeming surprised. The blonde smiled, making Bruce smile in reply. He couldn't believe it. Thor was actually wanting to dance with him? He didn't know what to think. All he could do was put his hand in Thor's and follow his lead to the floor. Bruce couldn't believe it. He was going to dance with Thor, at an Asgardian ball. He saw Tony smile out of the corner of his eye, and he couldn't bring himself to be annoyed. He could've sworn he heard Tony tell Natasha that she owed him a bottle of whiskey, not that he was surprised at that. Thor gently placed his hands on Bruce's waist, bringing the younger back to reality. He rested his hands on the god's shoulders, following his lead. He couldn't believe that it was actually happening.

"I never thought this day would come," Thor said quietly, so only Bruce heard him.

"Neither did I."

\--------------------------------------------------------

Tony wasn't coping as well as he hoped he would. Then again, he never did. It was too claustrophobic, and the drinks weren't helping. They only made the feelings worse. Then knowing that his usual crutch made him feel worse made the entire thing worse. Seeing Bruce and Thor dance didn't help. Sure, he was happy for them. He wanted them to get together, so why would he be sad about it? It was more the fact of finding his soulmate. Would he? What if Bruce was right? What if he would find his soulmate on Asgard? He didn't want to get his hopes up. After all, what if his soulmate hated him for how many people he's killed? Well, it would be a bit hypocritical, Tony thought, but maybe there was a reason. Hopefully.

He quietly slipped out of the room unnoticed, which wasn't hard with the crowds gathered in there. He started wandering around the palace, trying to find a balcony. He needed air. He needed to clear his head. He passed a lot of rooms before he found a massive room, a fountain in the middle of it, with a balcony along the back wall. It was massive. He couldn't believe how posh Asgard was. The palace was bigger than Avengers Tower by at least sixteen times. Tony couldn't believe that it was a real place. That people lived there. That it wasn't known about until a decade ago.

He walked out towards the balcony before he stopped, seeing a woman standing there. He stopped, debating whether or not to go talk to her. She was out there on her own, surely he could go initiate a conversation. She dressed as if she was native to Asgard. The green dress with the black cape and gold detailing just screamed Asgard. Tony debated for a while before he decided that maybe making conversation was a good thing. Hopefully. He didn't know, but he was sober so it had to be a good idea. Any sober idea was a good idea, in his book.

He walked onto the balcony, stopping a couple of feet to the side of the woman. He snuck a quick look at her face and he felt his heart flutter. He'd never seen anyone like her before. He quickly looked away, looking out at the stars like she was, trying to hide his red face. He never normally felt that way. He couldn't figure out what the feeling was. He just wanted to talk. He didn't want to flirt. He couldn't think of words anymore. He didn't know what was going on, or why he was feeling that way.

"The stars look nice from here," Tony said.

This wasn't going to go well.


	4. 4. Doubt Thou The Stars Are Fire

Loki tensed when she heard that voice. Of course they'd happen to bump into each other. It was just her luck. She'd heard someone walk towards her, but hoped it was someone just coming to pick up some supplies. Maybe Tony was too? Hopefully, but she wasn't that lucky. He didn't seem to recognise her, though. No one knew that it was her, no one recognised her, so she could go around unnoticed. The one upside of being closeted, she guessed. People who wanted supplies just thought that she was Loki's supplier who came to take over. She didn't expect that cover to work, but no one seemed to question it.

She kept her gaze upon the stars, trying her best to stay calm. She could see Tony out of the corner of her eye, he was a couple of feet away from her. He didn't seem to have a clue who she was, so that was definitely good. She just had to keep her cover. That, in theory, wouldn't be hard. She just hoped that no one figured out that she was out of her room. Then it would be fairly easy to figure out that she is Loki. Even her fake name gave it away. She didn't understand how people could be so slow. Of course, she could just leave the realm now. Leave and not turn back. Avoid the manhunt. But if she was right, which she was almost certain she was, she had to stay on Asgard. She didn't know for how long, but if she could successfully hide on Asgard, then she'd have to take it. She'd probably never be able to leave the realm again, and that scared her.

"The stars are beautiful," Loki replied, her voice calm and steady. "If not lonely."

Tony turned to look at the woman again, seeming almost intrigued by the stranger's words. He noticed that she still hadn't looked at him. That unnerved him. Was there something wrong? Didn't she want to talk to a human? He bit his lip before looking back out, trying to stay calm. There was something about her that made him nervous, that made his heart flutter and his hands clammy. He'd never had that before. Not even with Pepper. Part of him felt that maybe his arc reactor was failing and his body was slowly shutting down, but it wasn't painful enough for that. He knew he'd have to ask Bruce about it.

"Lonely?" Tony questioned, trying his best to keep his focus on the stars. "What makes you think that they're lonely?"

"They're trapped in an infinite void, never to escape. They have no way out. The only way out is death, and they live for five billion years. They're at least eight billion lightyears away from each other, in an infinite void of nothing. It would be enough to drive a person mad, though it's unlikely anyone could survive the conditions they live through. We're constantly surrounded by stars. Look off of the edge of the realm and there are stars. We're a realm floating in the middle of stars, keeping them even further apart. The vast void is lonely, and though it looks beautiful, it's rather sad."

Oh. Tony wasn't expecting that. He didn't know what he was expecting, but he wasn't expecting an astrology lesson. It felt nice, though. Even comforting. He was talking to someone with wisdom. Whether or not that could reflect into intelligence, he didn't know, but it was comforting to think that he could be talking to someone who would get what he was saying, like Bruce. The way she spoke about space was eerily accurate to how he experienced it, though. It was a void of nothing, and despite everything, he'd never felt so alone than the few minutes he was there.

"I... I never thought about it like that," Tony replied, looking down at the wall of the balcony. "Have you ever been into space?"

"I've travelled," Loki replied, finally turning to look at Tony.

He looked different. That was the first thing she noticed. He looked exhausted. Sure, he didn't look great when they met, but he somehow looked worse. She didn't think that that was possible. She saw the way he froze when they saw each other the previous day, how for a second, he looked petrified. Had she caused his deterioration? She knew that it was possible that she had. After all, she was the reason he almost died. She was the one that attacked the realm. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. She couldn't think about that, she had to stay focused. She just wanted to apologise, but she couldn't do that. She wanted to help him, try to help him get better. She paused, almost in shock by her own feelings. Did she care? Why would she care? He was just a human. A human she'd almost killed. Besides, he didn't know who she was. The moment he found out, he'd either kill her or call Thor. Neither of them sounded great.

Thor. Once he found out she was out, there'd be chaos. Then it would draw more attention to her. Then again, it wouldn't. The realm thought that she was still rotting in a cell. The word would be on the down-low. Only Odin, Frigga, Thor, Heimdall and the Guards would know. Maybe the workers, but she doubted they'd find out. What if Thor told the Avengers? Oh no. That wasn't good. She knew she couldn't be in her room, that would be like waiting for the cat to arrive, but she couldn't risk anyone finding out she'd escaped and risk the word spreading to the guests. That was when she realised, she was never going to be the cat. That would never work. She had to be the mouse, she had to outrun the cat.

"Are you from Asgard, then? Or are you visiting?" Tony asked curiously. He thought he way as well find out a bit more about her.

"I've lived here all my life, though I used to travel between realms and the occasional planet," Loki replied, technically telling the truth. "No need to ask where you're from."

Tony hesitated at that. Did that mean she knew who he was? Or was it just the clothes and the evident confusion that gave him away? Would anyone really know who he was? Would they know his name and his work? He doubted it. He just put it down to him evidently being human.

"Is it that obvious?" He joked, making the lady chuckle quietly. "Damn, and here I was hoping I could be worth your time."

Loki's heart stopped. Stark was flirting with her. That wasn't good. Why did she like it? Why did she want to flirt back? Why was her heart beating so fast? She wasn't meant to feel like that. She was meant to feel stone cold. She shouldn't feel anything. Maybe it was nerves? Well, preferably it was neither, but she'd take nerves over attraction. She couldn't like Tony. It would be fairly awkward, after throwing him out of a window and almost killing him on more than one occasion. It wasn't ideal to flirt with him.

"Who says you're not worth my time?" She asked, a small smirk on her face. "You could be dancing with any maiden you wish, though instead, you're out here with me."

"This isn't exactly my scene," Tony shrugged, leaning back against the frame. "Parties have never really been my thing, believe it or not. Too many people." Loki looked at Tony, even though the human wasn't looking back. Clint had told her the basics about each Avenger. She vaguely remembered that. She remembered that Tony was considered a party guy. That was something she vaguely recalled, she couldn't remember if she was just making it up, but he felt as if it was real. She watched the Avenger, noticing that he was trying to hide how he really felt. Was that her fault? Did she cause him that much pain? Did she break the invincible Iron Man? "What about you, Asgardian? Why aren't you in there partying?"

Being called Asgardian felt odd. It didn't sit right with her anymore. Of course, Tony didn't know. Only Odin, Frigga and Heimdall knew. She didn't want anyone else to know. She was surprised Thor didn't know, but she assumed that Odin hid it from him to protect himself. Thor couldn't exactly keep a secret, and if the people of Asgard found out that a Jotunn was a royal of Asgard, they'd hate her even more. They'd want her dead more than they already did.

"Not my scene," She replied with a small shrug. It wasn't technically a lie, but it was bordering on one. She used to love parties, but now everyone hated her. "Not anymore, anyway."

She used to love balls. She used to attend them all the time. She could drink freely without judgement, and her she sold a lot more than usual. The demand for the ball that night was high, she'd sold out of everything. Well, she had her own stash, but she wanted that for herself. She used to go travelling to get supplies, go to almost every realm to pick things up. Since she couldn't do that anymore, En sent things her way. Mainly Sakaarian drugs, but they went down a treat. Plus, balls normally mean more sex. She did quite enjoy that side to it. She couldn't risk it anymore, though.

Tony nodded understandingly. He was always made out to love parties, but he never had. It was just something he went along with. It was one of the many things he had to go along with. He wasn't the person he was ever made out to be, but he had to keep the persona. He couldn't ruin the Stark image. He had to be the perfect embodiment of a Stark. After all, he couldn't afford to disappoint his father even more than he already had. He never had the chance to be the perfect son Howard always wanted, and that killed him.

"I never caught your name," Tony said randomly, looking at the Aesir to the side of him.

"Ikol," Loki replied. Her and En had a bet. How long would it be until someone deciphered the name? Loki gave it a few hours, En gave it a day. She didn't like the name, but En insisted that it would be funny.

"It's nice to meet you, Ikol. I'm Tony."

How did she get away with that? She expected Tony to immediately get it. He was smart. How didn't he get it? Then again, he didn't have a reason to question it. He didn't know that Loki was roaming the palace, right under everyone's noses. She couldn't help but feel relieved. Tony didn't have a clue. She was safe for the time being. Well, until the inevitable happened. Then he'd probably find out and kill her. Not that she'd complain. That would be a mercy.

"The pleasure is all mine," She replied with a flirtatious smirk. She may as well embrace the feelings. After all, once she drinks them away, it'll all be fine.

"No, it really isn't. After all, who would want to meet me?" Tony asked amusedly. As much as he was joking, there was a truth to that. He was a disappointment when people met him. He wasn't flirty enough, or he didn't party enough, or he didn't sleep around enough. He was too boring. He was a disappointment. Had been since the day he was born. He doubted that it would ever change, no matter how hard he tried.

"The same could be said for a reason. Though you're a hero, are you not? Who wouldn't want to meet a hero?" Loki asked in reply. "The honour is all mine, to meet someone such as thee." Loki felt weird saying that. Tony was a hero, but the hero who defeated her. She didn't like the memories of it, and she was scared to even be there talking to Tony, but she couldn't stop. That would make her look suspicious, and she couldn't afford that.

"Alright, calm your boots, Gertrude," Tony teased. 

"My boots are calm, ghost," Loki chuckled softly. 

"Oh, so you got the reference," Tony replied, clearly impressed. "I didn't know that Shakespeare was really known here." Tony was genuinely surprised. Thor had no idea who Shakespeare was, he didn't have a clue about his work, so he didn't expect her to get the reference. 

"He's not, though I like reading. I went to see Hamlet when it first premiered. It was rather interesting. It's changed quite drastically since then."

Tony's eyes widened. He didn't expect her to be that old. She looked thirty, max. He forgot that Aesir had much longer life spans. He forgot that Thor was as old as he was. He was still so unused to the Asgardians, but he absolutely loved learning from them.

"What the fuck? You're that old?" Tony asked in shock, before realising what he said. "Shit! Sorry, I didn't mean it like that!"

Loki had to laugh at that. Tony did seem guilty about saying it. She wouldn't hold it against him though. Why would she? He was human. Being over ninety was impressive to them. Living for at least six hundred years? That must've been mind-blowing to them.

"No, no, it's quite alright," Loki chuckled softly, genuinely seeming amused by Tony's blunder. "I'm one thousand and fifty-one years of age."

Was that even legal? Tony hated the fact that that was his first thought. Would it be weird if they slept together? She was much older than him. Maybe it was wrong? He didn't know. Then again, Thor was older than that, only by a few years, but he was still dancing with Bruce. Maybe it wasn't bad. Then again, Tony was going to die soon. If they did keep in touch and maybe build a relationship, it would be unfair on Ikol. Forty years must feel like a weekend to them. 

"Surely shit gets boring after the first century," Was all Tony could think to say. 

"That's why I travel. It shakes things up a bit," Loki shrugged, seeming amused by Tony's interest. 

"Where do you go?"

"It depends. I've been to all of the realms, Sakaar, Titan, Knowhere, Astra, Counter-Earth, Ego, there's been plenty. There's still much more to explore, though it's easy to get lost in space," Loki shrugged with a small smile. 

She missed travelling. She was stuck on Asgard, somewhere she once considered her home. She hated it. It didn't feel like home. Not anymore. She didn't think of anywhere as home. Almost home, sure. Then again, what would happen if she did call it home? What if it got destroyed in revenge, all because she called it home? She didn't want to be responsible for anything like that. She had somewhere she felt was almost like home to her, but because of the risk of people getting hurt, she couldn't call it home quite yet. 

"Which is your favourite?" Tony asked, secretly hoping that it would be earth. 

"Well... Perhaps Sakaar. It's rather chaotic, it's almost like home." Sakaar was an odd one for Loki. She once considered it a second home. Her ship crashed there and she was taken in by the Grandmaster. She wasn't stupid, she knew it was for sex, but she didn't complain. En was her closest friend, and Sakaar was always so welcoming. She missed it. She just couldn't consider it home. Especially when Thanos hated both her and En. 

"Oh... Would you ever come to Earth again?" Tony asked hopefully.

"I... I wish to, though the possibility is low. It's been proven that I'm unwelcome on Midgard."

Unwelcome? How could she be unwelcome? Tony was confused, but he didn't let it show. Surely he'd know if she shouldn't be on Earth. SHIELD would've put a 'wanted' poster up for her. They'd let the Avengers know so if they're seen, they'd be able to handle it. Unless it wasn't SHIELD.

"By who? Because if it's SHIELD I will happily kick their asses."

"They have their reasons," Loki shrugged. 

That's where Tony started questioning how truthful Ikol was being. He didn't recognise her name, and he didn't recognise her face. There was something familiar about her, though. Between the colours she wore, the accent, the way she spoke... it felt familiar. He couldn't place it though. Maybe she was just one of Thor's friends that came over a few times? No. He remembered them. The only woman was Sif, and this definitely wasn't Sif. He'd seen Sif dancing in the ball, almost killing someone for touching her without her consent. Tony really liked her. Ikol definitely wasn't Sif. He just didn't know what was going on.

"What reasons?" Tony asked.

Loki knew that he was getting suspicious. She knew that he didn't know who she was, which was good. As long as he didn't think it was her. Now she had to make up some excuse for not being welcome on Midgard. This couldn't possibly go well. It could never go well. He was too suspicious. She either had to leave or completely throw him off scent.

"I'm unsure. They said something about the public not trusting another Aesir after Loki. They said it was best to wait a couple of years to let the situation blow over before returning," Loki shrugged, hoping that that would throw him off enough.

Tony felt his heart drop at the name and he looked away, looking back up at the stars. Of course it was because of Loki. That god just seemed to ruin everything for him. He'd never hated someone more in his life. He felt genuine hatred for the god, something he'd never felt towards someone before.

"That son of a bitch," Tony growled. "I don't get what his deal is. He couldn't be king of this place so he decided to try to rule earth, killing hundreds within four days. Apparently he almost destroyed an ice realm or some shit before he came to Earth. He killed so many innocent people, but for what? This place is lovely. Both Odin and Frigga seem like great people, and I'd kill to have parents as loving as them. He had everything. He had a family, he had a stunning place to live, he had everything he could've wanted, but he threw all his toys out of the pram because he wanted to be a king. Thor tried to justify it by saying it's a way to deal with being adopted, but others who were adopted don't fucking kill people to cope!"

Loki looked away, trying her best to stay calm. What Tony said hurt, but she couldn't say anything about it. That's what he had to believe. She started to fiddle with her hands, trying to calm her nerves. She tried to think of something to say, but her mind went blank. What could she reply to that?

"You're right," She replied quietly. "What he did was selfish. He's nothing but a monster. How he hasn't been killed is beyond me, though death is simply mercy. He'll suffer more when he's alive. Death is far too good for him. He doesn't deserve mercy. He deserves to suffer."

Something inside of Loki clicked. No matter how scared she was, she couldn't run. She had to suffer for what she did. Death would be a mercy, a mercy she didn't deserve. No matter how much she wanted to leave Asgard, no matter how hurt she got, no matter how bad everything was, she had to stay. She had to pay for her crimes. 

"Yeah. You're right," Tony frowned. "Living with the fact that he killed so many innocent people... that should be punishment enough."

Loki took a deep breath, composing herself. Tony looked at her again, seeing that her posture was eerily like Frigga's. That she held herself eerily close to how Frigga did. He figured that that was what was familiar about her. It was her eerie likeness to Frigga. He figured that maybe she was related to Frigga, but she only had two kids, and neither of them had kids so she couldn't be a niece. Maybe a friend. But a friend that was younger than Frigga's oldest son? Maybe it was just the way people stood on Asgard. That was the best he could think of. 

Loki was about to speak up when she heard footsteps getting closer. She tried to listen in, hoping that it would only be a few drifters or guards. No one would recognise her in that form, but she didn't want to chance it.

"We must return with news for Father. We were wrong" she heard a woman speak. A voice that made her heart stop.

"There's no mention of the traitor here. No sign, there's nothing. There's nothing to even show that he ever existed," another voice replied. Loki felt relieved by that. They didn't know that she was there. "We must return to the ship before we're noticed."

She heard the footsteps get too close, dangerously close to entering the room. She quickly and gently grabbed Tony and covered his mouth with her hand before she cast an invisibility spell over the two of them. They'd definitely recognise Tony, and she couldn't risk him getting hurt because of her. Proxima and Corvus walked in, both looking scarily annoyed. She felt Tony struggle against her, but she quickly shushed him. Tony froze when he saw the two walking towards the balcony. How weren't they seen? And why did they look angry?

"Did you find the Tesseract?" Proxima asked Corvus. "I feel that may be more important than finding Loki." 

The Tesseract. That's why they were on Asgard. Finding Loki would just be an added bonus. It all clicked in her head. They knew that there were stones on Asgard. She just happened to be a bonus. From what Proxima said, Loki gathered that they only knew about one stone being on Asgard. She didn't know about the Aether until she accidentally ran into it a few centuries ago. That's when she started learning about the infinity stones. In a way, she wished she never had. She wouldn't have been wanted by Thanos otherwise, but at least she had the knowledge on how to break them if needed. That was the important thing. 

"There's no sign of it," Corvus replied. 

Loki breathed a sigh of relief, making Tony look at her confusedly. She was glad that they hadn't found it. Well, it was on her. She doubted that they'd find it. Only she could access it, well, that and the Aether. She'd made the illusions of the fake stones disappear for the night of the ball, just so there was no chance they'd find anything about them on Asgard. As soon as she saw them, she'd put the illusions back up. She was waiting for someone to figure out that they weren't real. That they were fakes. No one had yet though, and it had been almost a decade. 

"I could've sworn the tesseract was taken to Asgard for safekeeping. We all saw it happen," Proxima frowned, standing at the edge of the balcony, only a couple of feet away from Tony and Loki. "Loki was imprisoned here too. Unless he escaped with them."

Tony's heart stopped. That's why they were invisible. That's why Ikol was familiar to him. That's why she wasn't allowed on earth. He felt himself freeze, unable to even think about moving. What if the two aliens saw him? And why was Loki hiding from them? Why were they after the god? 

"Then he's on the run. He knows we're looking for him," Corvus replied, seeming incredibly fed up. 

"That coward," Proxima scowled. "He could've had everything. He could've had safety, he could've had a world to kneel at his feet. It's a shame. He had such great potential. If only he wasn't weak. What God is defeated by humans?" 

Tony couldn't help but be confused. What did they mean by safety? Why were they looking for him? Why were they talking about what happened on Earth? What did they have to do with it?

"He was far weaker than we ever expected him to be. Father could've taught him to be more. Now I doubt he'll live to see Asgard burn," Corvus sniggered, clearly amused by the subject.

"It would be mercy for Father to kill him. Especially for running away," Proxima sighed. 

A beam of light hit them and the two flew up it, stopping once they were in the ship. Tony looked up at it and watched it fly away. That's when Loki released him. He staggered forward and tapped his watch, his glove forming around his hand. He saw a green glow run down their bodies, the invisibility spell being broken. He charged the pulse and pointed it at Loki, who changed back into his male form, thinking that that might help the situation. Loki put his hands in the air, clearly trying to show that he wasn't going to attack. Tony couldn't help but notice that he looked pale, even the fact that there was a hint of fear in his eyes. 

"Who were they?" Tony asked, his voice strained from fear. "And why are you out here?"

Then the guards ran in.


	5. 5. Keep Your Soul Like a Secret

Loki knew he was in trouble. There was no way he was getting out of this one. At least he'd successfully avoided Thanos' minions, he supposed that that was a plus. Being caught by the guards... Not so good. Tony still pointing a weapon at him... Again, not really good. He felt much guiltier than he expected to, seeing how betrayed Tony looked. How he looked so scared of him. He couldn't even bring himself to smirk. To put his façade up. He just stood there, watching the guards run towards them. He sighed and held his arms out, one of the guards instantly chaining them.

Tony was surprised by how compliant Loki was, but then again, he wasn't. Loki looked defeated. He looked so exhausted and even scared. He didn't put up a fight, despite the fact that he could've easily escaped right there and then. Then again, the two people were after him. Maybe that stopped him from running. He knew he had to mention that to the team. They wanted the tesseract, and the tesseract was gone. They needed to look into that. Tony didn't know what to do. He just watched as Loki was shoved away from Tony, causing the god to stumble, almost falling. He watched as a guard said quietly, so quiet that Tony barely heard him, 'you shouldn't have left your room. You know I'd hate to see your pretty face get hurt'. Tony could see Loki glare at the guard, his eyes going darker. He looked completely void of all emotion. They looked green. That wasn't how Tony remembered them. He had nightmares about Loki often enough to know that he'd never seen Loki with green eyes. Shit. That wasn't good. He watched as Loki was pulled away by the guards. He looked out at the stars before he decided that he wasn't in the mood to go back to the ball. He couldn't go back. Flirting with Loki... Was it bad that he didn't regret it? He would've, but something told him that the god wasn't as bad as he made himself out to be. That he was in a similar position to Tony. That he had an appearance that he had to keep up.

Maybe he had to talk to the god.

\----------------------------------

"Tony! Tony, wake up!" Tony heard, waking him up from his nap. He couldn't really call it a sleep. He'd slept an hour, if that. He didn't really want to wake up, but he got the feeling that it was urgent.

Tony slowly opened his eyes, seeing Bruce standing above him. He sat up groggily, his entire body aching. He couldn't remember much of what happened after he went back to his room, but he guessed he paced a lot. That would explain why he was aching. He felt so drained, both physically and mentally. He didn't want to see anyone, but Bruce was the exception. He needed to speak with Bruce, anyway.

"Hm?" Tony answered, still half asleep. "What's up?"

Bruce genuinely looked relieved. He was worried that Loki had escaped and had hurt or even taken Tony. He realised once he woke up that he hadn't seen Tony after he danced with Thor, and neither had the rest of the team. He was so scared that he'd lost his friend, but he was glad to find him in one piece. That was all that mattered.

"I didn't see you much last night, I just wanted to check on you," the doctor answered truthfully.

"I'm fine. I'm alive," Tony hummed, running his hands over his face. "How are you after last night?"

Bruce blushed at the memory. He'd spent a few hours dancing with Thor before meeting his friends. They all seemed nice enough. They were polite, anyway, and if they didn't like Bruce, they didn't show it. He even met Odin, which he found petrifying, but he was nice. Something felt off about him, but Bruce couldn't place what it was. Then Thor invited him back to his room. He'd had the best night ever, and he felt better than he had in years. He could finally stop worrying.

"Good. It... it was perfect, Tony. I don't think we're a thing yet, but we're definitely getting there," Bruce explained with a smile, then told Tony everything, not missing anything out.

Tony was happy for his friend. Absolutely. He was glad that he was finally working with his soulmate. Tony felt guilty though. He felt jealous. He wanted that. Especially after what happened last night. The risk of Loki being his soulmate... He didn't even want it to be a possibility. He hated the god, but hatred didn't mean caring. It didn't mean feeling immense glee as soon as the other smiled. It didn't mean his stomach doing flips when the other flirted back. He hated the fact that he even felt some form of attraction towards Loki. It was wrong.

"Natasha owes me a bottle of whiskey," Tony chuckled, making Bruce roll his eyes amusedly. "But in all seriousness, I'm happy for you. Just no sex until the third date!"

"Oh, fuck off," Bruce laughed, making Tony smile. "So where did you go last night?"

Tony debated saying. Sure, he needed Bruce's advice, but what if Bruce hated him? After all, having even a hint of feelings for Loki wasn't good. What if Bruce hated him for it? He'd lose his best friend, and he really didn't want that. Bruce was one of the few people Tony felt he could trust wholeheartedly, and he didn't want to lose that.

"I went to the balcony. It got a bit too claustrophobic in there," Tony shrugged. "Met a girl. She seemed nice. We flirted for a bit."

Bruce's eyes widened. Tony hadn't shown an interest in romance since him and Pepper broke up. He couldn't believe that Tony actually flirted with someone. Especially since their conversation about Tony's marks. It was clear that the mechanic was scared, but maybe it would be okay. Hopefully, anyway.

"What was she like? What was her name? Asgardian? Where is she?" Bruce asked. Tony smiled sadly at his excitement, making the doctor falter.

"She was... lovely. Odd. Definitely odd. Poetic. She likes Shakespeare. She loves travelling. Thinks stars are lonely. She's Asgardian, but travels. She's only a couple years younger than Thor. She... She was amazing. She seemed as smart as I was. Like... I didn't have to dumb myself down to be understood. She was wise. Stupidly wise. She was amazing," Tony smiled sadly. Bruce could see that there were feelings forming, but he didn't get why Tony seemed sad. "Then... then these aliens appeared and it clicked. She wore green, black and gold. Her hair was jet black. She was so similar to Frigga with the way she held herself. She said she couldn't go to earth because SHIELD wouldn't let her. Her name was Ikol, for fucks sake. I should've guessed."

Bruce thought over everything before it finally clicked. His heart dropped. How did he get out? Why would he talk to Tony? Especially flirt. That didn't seem right. Especially with how sad Tony sounded. That scared him. He didn't sound scared, or even angry. He sounded sad.

"What... what did you do? How are you feeling?" Was all Bruce could ask. He felt bad. While he was dancing, Tony was with Loki.

"As soon as the aliens left, he knew I realised that it was him. He turned back into himself, then the guards arrived. They chained him up, and he didn't even fight. He let them. One said that he didn't want Loki to get hurt, but it sounded... it sounded off. Loki looked petrified. It was all so weird. But he was hiding from someone. I didn't get their names. They looked... alien. They were looking for the Tesseract, which they said they couldn't find on Asgard. Then they said that finding Loki would be a bonus, and that him dying would be a mercy. We talked about that before then. I went on a rant about how much I hated him and even he said that death would be a mercy. That Loki was a monster and deserved to suffer. He said that about himself. I just... Something doesn't feel right," Tony explained, barely breathing between sentences. "I just... I don't know how to feel. Part of me wants to go see him."

Bruce was surprised. How could he not be? He hadn't expected that. He knew that the rest of the team would have to know. They'd have to have a team meeting, which he knew Tony would hate. He knew that Tony would hate saying that he saw Loki, but it involved the tesseract. The team had to know. If there were people after the tesseract, they had to help protect it. It was their duty.

"Okay. If you feel it's right, go talk to Loki. I don't know if it's the best idea, but... I trust you. And if you feel as if it's what you need to do, I'll support you. I'll go check on the Tesseract, see if it's still there. We'll have a team meeting about it once you're done," Bruce explained, getting up off the bed. "If you like Loki... and if he happens to be your soulmate... Things will work out. I know they will. And I'll always be here to support you the entire way."

With that, Bruce left. Tony smiled at his words, knowing that no matter what happened, Bruce would always be there. That was such a comforting thought. He'd never be alone. He got up and took a quick shower before getting dressed in some jeans and a t-shirt, clearly going for more comfort than anything. He knew he had to get passed the guards, but that shouldn't be hard. What could be hard about it? He was an Avenger. He could do whatever he wanted. He looked down at his arm and ran his hand over it, seeing the marks start to appear all over his body. They were everywhere. Some came after the attack on New York. Some appeared around the time Thor said Loki tried to destroy Jotunheim. Everything pointed towards Loki being his soulmate, and that pained him. He had to figure out what actually happened and who was looking for the god. He couldn't love a monster, but part of him thought that maybe Loki was misunderstood. That he saw a glimpse of the real Loki on the balcony. He ran his hand back over his arm, covering them. He didn't want anyone seeing them.

He started walking towards the room, passing down multiple workers who just smiled at him as they passed. He didn't see any of the Avengers though, which he took as a plus. He didn't want to explain himself. Not yet, anyway. He couldn't bring himself to explain, because he knew Steve would be angry. He knew that Clint would be affected. He knew it could harm more people than just himself, so he wanted to figure everything out before anything actually happened.

He reached the hall and saw the guards outside the door. There were more of them. There were six on the outside, unlike the previous four. Why didn't Loki escape while he could? Why didn't he fight about going back? Why did he seem scared? He took a deep breath before he walked to the door. He saw the guards looking at him suspiciously, but he recognised one from the previous night. Hopefully he recognised Tony too.

"I want to talk to Loki," Tony said, watching the guards closely. They were quite a bit taller than him, and much more intimidating, but he didn't back down.

"Why?" The guard from the previous night asked. "Only Frigga visits him, and even that's scarce."

That made Tony feel bad. Not even Thor visited Loki? Or even Odin? He would've thought that maybe his family would visit him. Even friends. He had to have friends, right? He couldn't imagine what it would be like to be confined to a room, completely alone, having one person visit every now and then. It sounded lonely.

"Last night. I have questions," Tony replied, hoping that he wouldn't have to clarify any more than that.

"He hasn't told us anything about last night. Good luck getting anything out of him. He's been silent since he came back," the guard explained before opening the door. That was easier than Tony expected.

He walked in, seeing Loki sat at the desk, his head down over a book. Two guards were by the balcony, another two by the doors. They weren't taking any chances. Tony saw that they weren't going to move and he sighed, pressing his watch, making the glove appear again.

"I'm armed. I can take care of myself," Tony explained. "If he makes a move, I'll call."

The guards seemed to hesitate before the one who seemed to be the leader motioned for them to come out. The four of them walked out and then the door closed, leaving him and Tony alone. Tony hadn't missed Loki tense as soon as he spoke, but the god didn't make a move to look at him. He sighed and tapped the watch, the glove disappearing. He leant back against the wall, crossing his arms.

"I'm sorry," Loki said, surprising Tony. "I shouldn't have did what I did last night. I shouldn't have spoken to you. I truly am sorry, though I do not deserve forgiveness."

Tony watched the god suspiciously, wondering if there was another motive. The god looked up at him, his eyes screaming sorrow. He remembered what Loki said, about how he deserved to suffer. He didn't know how much of that to believe. He had to take it all with a pinch of salt. After all, he was the god of lies. He couldn't be trusted.

"I don't know," Tony replied, seeming to confuse the god. "I feel like I saw a different side to you. But... we have priorities. Who were they?"

Loki hesitated. He didn't want to talk about them. He just wanted to avoid the situation completely. He was already suffering, why did he have to add to it? He slowly pushed himself up off the chair, wincing at the pain it brought. Tony didn't miss that, but he made a mental note to ask about it later. Loki leant against the desk, needing some kind of support to keep himself stood up. He'd had a truly horrible night, but it what he deserved.

"Proxima Midnight and Corvus Glaive," Loki replied. "Dangerous assassins. They were looking for the Tesseract."

The names alone struck fear into Loki. He couldn't remember much from his time there, but what he could remember, it struck fear into him. He couldn't handle the little he could remember. He felt awful even thinking about it. All of the pain... It was overwhelming. Part of him was grateful that he couldn't remember the rest.

"And you," Tony reminded the god. "Why?"

"They're after the infinity stones. All six of them. They're a part of a group looking for them. The Tesseract is one, though they didn't find it. I don't think they have any of them yet," Loki replied with a small shrug. He didn't want to think about it, but Tony deserved to know a bit about the situation. After all, he may have to fight for them.

"Infinity stones?"

"They represent the fabrics of reality. Space, Time, Power, Mind, Soul and Reality. Individually, they're powerful. All together, they could destroy the universe."

Tony watched the god suspiciously. He couldn't tell if he was lying, but he knew that there was a small chance that he was. If Loki was telling the truth, they were in trouble. The people yesterday were serious about what they were doing, and Tony could tell they wouldn't be stopped easily. He could tell that they were more powerful than they looked, especially if there were more. They were in danger.

"And the tesseract is one?"

"The tesseract holds the space stone, and the sceptre holds the mind stone."

Loki couldn't be lying. They were powerful, far more powerful than anything Tony had ever seen. They were dangerous. If there were four more, and if their powers could be combined... they were doomed. He had to risk believing Loki. Then again, that left the obvious realisation that Loki had the sceptre when he landed on earth, and he came for the tesseract. He was after the infinity stones. That was the plan. Ruling the world wasn't the priority, it was the tesseract. Ruling the world was an added bonus.

"You... you came to earth to get the tesseract! You want to destroy the universe?" Tony had to ask. If Loki did, and if he went back to help the assassins, they'd have a little chance of winning. They barely won against Loki. "You worked with them to get the stones."

Something switched in Loki as soon as Tony said that. Tony noticed the switch. Loki went from calm, tired and mischievous to almost murderous. It was so quick that Tony barely had time to register it. He tapped his watch, the glove covering his hand again. He charged it, ready to shoot at Loki, need be. He couldn't trust the god, and he had to be prepared to shoot at any moment. As much as he wanted to trust the god in front of him, he knew he never could. 

"And here I thought you were a genius. It took you ten years to realise that?" Loki smirked, suddenly seeming predatory. Almost vicious. "I simply desired a throne. A seat in which to watch submission, to watch those beneath me quake at my feet, to make something of you puny humans. After all, that is your rightful place."

Tony watched Loki, seeming almost amused. Defence mechanism. Something Tony knew all too well. Tony was looking in all the right places, the places Loki didn't want him to go. He was trying to throw Tony off guard, and as much as those words struck fear into him, it made him more amused than anything. He knew that it was easier to try to scare people or push them away before they got to the truth.

"Mhm. And what does Loki really think?" Tony asked, making Loki's façade falter. "I'd rather hear from him, not the monster you're trying to be."

Loki's facade came crashing down, only confirming Tony's theories. He seemed surprised, curious, and even scared. Was Loki really scared of Tony? It was silent for a few minutes. Loki was clearly trying to figure out what to do in the situation. Tony had the upper hand, and the human loved it.

"I... I'm afraid it's a long story," Loki replied quietly.

"I have time."


	6. 6. Tell Me Pretty Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and supporting this story! If you like my work, check me out on tumblr - enydwi or on Twitter - en_ydw_i !! Thank you and enjoy!

Loki thought for a few seconds. How could he tell the truth without telling Tony the full truth? Well, it's not like anyone would believe the god of lies, so he didn't have to worry about it. No matter what he said, it would be considered a lie. He could use that to his advantage. After all, something good had to come out of it. He hated the fact that no one believed him, but sometimes it worked in his favour.

"I went to Midgard to retrieve the Tesseract, yes," Loki confirmed quietly. "I was given the sceptre to aid me in my quest. My main goal was to retrieve the Tesseract and return both that and the sceptre, and then I would be left to rule Midgard."

Tony thought over the words for a bit. He didn't know if he could trust Loki, but he had to give the god the benefit of the doubt. He couldn't take any chances. He had to know exactly what was going on, and he had to risk trusting the god. He didn't want to, but he had to.

"Return them to who?" Tony asked, noticing that Loki left that part out. "To Proxima and Corvus?"

"To... to the Titan. He's the one after the stones. Proxima and Corvus are simply aiding him," Loki explained. "As are Ebony Maw, Cull Obsidian and... The Other. The Other was the one assisting me during the battle. They're all-powerful. All to be feared. They make themselves known, so you needn't fear to find them. They'll make themselves found. The Mad Titan is unmissable, you'll know him when you see him. They shouldn't bother Midgard for a while. As of now, I believe there's only one stone on Midgard and it's hidden. You should have some time before they return to Midgard. I believe they may be unprepared, as they underestimated your force. They won't make that mistake again. Though once an opportunity arises, and Midgard has a moment of weakness, they will not hesitate. They're dangerous assassins. You'll need your best to beat them, though that may not be enough."

Tony thought over all the information. They wouldn't be outnumbered, but they could be overpowered. He had to make something, a defence system, in case something happened. He hated to admit it, but for that to work, he'd need to work with Loki. He had a good knowledge of what to expect, he had to work with him to make it work. He watched the god, watching how emotionless and empty he seemed. This wasn't something he wanted to talk about, and it showed.

"I think we'll be enough," Tony replied cockily. "We beat you easily enough."

"I was beaten because I wanted to be," Loki replied, oddly calm. "They don't want to be beaten."

Tony watched the god, not expecting that reply. He wanted to question why Loki wanted to lose, but with all the information he had, between the two assassins calling him a traitor and a coward, the fact that Loki was willingly sharing this information, the fact that Loki seemed scared to even talk about it and he got defensive at the slightest push, he knew exactly why. He watched the god, then he realised something. He would never forget Loki's eyes. They haunted him. He didn't recognise his eyes as Ikol, but he put that down as that form being a disguise, but even as he was, his eyes were bright green. Not the electric blue that haunted him.

"You were controlled," Tony said, not even asking. "You were under the same thing as Clint."

Loki hesitated, watching the mechanic. He hated the fact that the human saw right through him. That he was smart enough to piece together everything Loki left out. He didn't want Tony to know that, nut he knew better to underestimate his intelligence. He went quiet for a bit, not knowing what to say. What could he say? Just thinking about it was enough to make his chest hurt, but to talk about it... to remember what he could... it took everything to hide how he felt.

"The Mad Titan is smart. He will find the stones, and when he does, billions will cease to exist. Half of the universe's population will be gone," Loki eventually said, deciding not to comment on the fact that he was controlled.

"And we'll do everything we can to stop it."

\--------------------------------------------

Loki hadn't felt the way he had. He'd never felt the feelings he was feeling. Tony was sat on his bed, talking about how they'd need to tell the team. Loki wasn't listening properly, not wanting to even think about the fact he'd have to see the rest of the Avengers or even his brother. He couldn't have them seeing his weakness. It was hard enough to let Tony know. He was glad that Tony dropped it after that, but he knew that there would be more questions to come.

He didn't know how he'd answer them. He couldn't remember much about the year he was with Thanos. He remembered death. He remembered killing hundreds of people. He remembered being in pain. He remembered who he met. He remembered a bit about what happened before he fell from the Bifrost. He remembered Thor saying he wanted to kill all of the Jotunns. He remembered Odin falling into Odin-sleep after they talked. He remembered becoming King Regent in his sleep after Thor was banished. He remembered trying to kill Thor. He remembered killing Laufey. He remembered trying to destroy Jotunheim. He remembered Odin disapproving. He remembered Thor pushing him off the Bifrost. He remembered dying. He remembered being awoken to En by his side, Thanos standing in front of him. That was the beginning of his Hell.

That was the last time he saw En. He hated it. He missed his best friend and ex-lover. They'd known each other for centuries since Loki crashed his ship on Sakaar. Loki hadn't seen En since they saw each other on the Titan's ship after En brought Loki back to life. They'd been constantly writing to each other, but they hadn't seen each other. Loki missed the elder. En was his only true friend, and not seeing him in over a decade was harder than he thought it would be. He just wanted to see his friend but after the previous night, he couldn't even use his magic.

"Why did you talk to me?" Tony asked, pulling Loki out of his thoughts. "You obviously recognised me on the balcony, so why did you talk to me?"

Loki had to think. Why did he talk to Tony? He should've run, stayed away from the Avenger, but he couldn't. Something told him to stay and to talk. He knew what it was, it hadn't taken him long to figure it out, but it still struck him as confusing. Why Tony? Of course, he'd pieced it together when they first met, but he thought he could avoid the Avenger fairly easily. Now he realised that it would be much harder.

"I supposed that perhaps we could go for that drink," Loki smirked in reply, trying to make a joke about it. When he saw that Tony was unamused, he sighed and crossed his arms. "The same reason you came to talk to me today."

Tony paused and looked at Loki. The god felt the same. He couldn't. That would only confirm what Tony didn't want to be true. Loki didn't seem too fond of it either. He seemed displeased with the thought of the human being his soulmate, but it was clear that Tony wasn't fond of the idea either. They were both quiet for a bit, still trying to process the information. It was just their luck. Tony could barely look at the god, let alone fall in love with him.

"Maybe we should ignore it. Who says we really need soulmates?" Tony asked. "No. I'm alright on my own. I don't need you in my life, being all lovey-dovey and shit. I'd rather be alone."

That's when Loki's heart broke. Of course Tony wouldn't want him. No one wanted him. He was destined to be alone. After all, that's what he deserved. He was a monster, destined to spend his life alone. He looked at Tony, seeing how annoyed the human looked. He'd blown it before he even had the chance. All because he got dragged into something he never wanted to be apart of. He took a deep breath before nodding.

"If that's truly what you wish, then I'll happily respect it," Loki said, easily hiding his pain.

Tony felt bad, but he could never be with Loki. The god had done too much damage to ever be redeemed. Even if he was controlled, he couldn't risk being with him. He was the god of lies, after all. How could he trust him? No. Tony was doing the right thing. He was sober. He was definitely doing the right thing.

Loki sighed and pushed himself off the desk, walking over to his bookcase. Tony took the opportunity to look around the room, seeing how grand everything was. The walls were green, the furniture either black or gold. Loki had a very consistent aesthetic, Tony noticed. He saw books scattered neatly around the room, stacks of them beside the bookcase as they couldn't fit. There were quills scattered on every surface, Tony taking that as a sign that Loki wrote a lot. There was nothing sharp around, which put Tony at ease.

"Why did you get moved from your cell?" Tony asked curiously, making Loki stop in surprise. "I would say you don't need to answer it, but you sort of do."

"I posed a threat to the other prisoners. They deemed it safer if I was away from them," Loki lied smoothly.

Tony couldn't tell whether or not to believe the god. Thor wouldn't say why Loki was moved, which showed he knew, but why wouldn't he say if it was a reason as simple as that? Tony watched the god, noticing how Loki just looked at him, almost challenging him to call him out. That bugged him, but he wasn't going to say anything. He'd find out in his own time. When Loki realised that Tony wasn't going to say anything, he reached up to the top shelf to grab a book but stopped when he felt a sharp pain in his side. He winced slightly, inhaling sharply in shock. Not even a millisecond later, his facade went back up, pretending that everything was fine. Tony didn't miss it. He knew that something was wrong, but he didn't know what.

"Does anyone know you got out last night?" Tony asked curiously.

"Only you, Frigga, Odin, Thor and the guards," Loki shrugged, walking back over to his desk.

"And do they know that you were with me?" Tony questioned. He didn't need Thor to know that he'd been hanging out with his brother, especially if Bruce knows that they're soulmates. He didn't need Thor knowing that.

"Yes."

\-------------------------

"So you're saying Loki was controlled?" Clint asked, seeming unimpressed by the idea. 

Tony, for once in his life, listened to Bruce and went to the team meeting. Was he happy about it? No. But he knew he had to do it. So he explained everything he could. That he met Loki on the balcony, while he was in another form. That they spoke for a bit and mentioned that Loki seemed to feel bad about what he did. About Proxima and Corvus and everything that they said. That he went to visit Loki for more clarification and everything he said about the 'Mad Titan' and his workers. About the Infinity Stones. Everything he could without mentioning that they were soulmates.

"Yes."

"And that people are looking for the infinity stones?" Thor asked, seeming confused by the idea. Why didn't he know sooner? Especially since Asgard held a stone.

"Yes."

"And those people came to Asgard last night to get the Tesseract, but couldn't find it?" Natasha asked, trying to understand the situation.

The Avengers seemed confused, but Clint seemed less surprised than the rest. That concerned Tony. Why wasn't Clint surprised? What did he know that he wasn't telling the rest of the Avengers? He said he had gaps in his memory, things that he couldn't remember, even though he'd never had memory problems before. He could remember most of it, but when the control was at its strongest, he couldn't remember a thing. 

"Yes!"

"But it was there when Thor and I went to look for it. It's on a podium. It's easy to find. How couldn't they find it?" Bruce questioned. 

Bruce and Thor took a trip to the weapon's vault, thinking that it was best to go together. Bruce had a lesson on Asgardian history, which he loved. It was all so interesting. He saw the eternal flame, Surtur's Crown, something called the Casket of Ancient Winters, which Thor said the Jotunns tried to steal during his coronation and Loki stole when he tried to destroy Jotunheim. Thor said he didn't know why Loki took it, but it was an effective weapon. He knew they definitely saw the Tesseract, though. He remembered seeing it on its podium. It was much easier to find than the Casket of Ancient Winters or even the eternal flame. It was weird that the aliens couldn't find it. 

"I don't know!"

"Unless Loki hid it?" Steve suggested. Then again, why would Loki hide it? He had no obvious reason to. 

"Loki doesn't have access to his magic," Thor replied, clearly growing frustrated with the situation.

"He does," Tony replied. "He turned us invisible when the aliens came into the room. He can use his magic."

Tony hadn't seen him use magic since, but what reason did he have to use it? Then again, he seemed much weaker. The god struggled to get up from a chair, he had to lean against the desk to keep stability, he could barely reach up to grab a book. He seemed a lot weaker than he did the previous night, so it would make sense if he didn't have access to his magic. That it was a fluke that he could use it.

"So you're suggesting he hid them?" Bruce asked.

"But if he hid them, why would he give them back?" Steve questioned.

If Loki got the Tesseract undetected, why would he give it back? He could easily escape with it, so what was the point of giving it back? Especially when no one knew that he had it. None of them could figure it out; unless he was doing it to avoid the people looking for him. If those people were looking for him and they're dangerous, it would make sense for Loki to do whatever he could to stay safe. Then again, he would be safer running, wouldn't he? Instead of staying on Asgard. The most obvious place he could be. 

"And how? Tony was with him, and then he was with the guards." Natasha added.

"They've upped his security. He can't leave his room," Thor added.

"So how can we find out?" Clint asked.

They all looked at Tony. He sighed and thought over it. Why did he have to do it? Sure, he'd gotten information out of the god, but he assumed that it was because they were soulmates. Realistically, would Loki kill his soulmate? Well, he didn't know. That scared him. The god was still unpredictable and untrustworthy. He couldn't risk trusting the god. He thought for a few seconds before he shook his head. He'd already pushed his luck with what he got out of Loki, he didn't want to risk anything more than he already had.

"Fine," Tony hesitantly replied, knowing he didn't have a choice. "Tomorrow. Before we leave."

\--------------------------------------------------

The rest of the Avengers went sight-seeing, Thor as their tour guide. Bruce stayed with Tony, wanting to know everything the rest of the Avengers weren't told. It wasn't that Tony didn't trust the rest of the Avengers. No, he trusted them with his life, but he couldn't risk them knowing about his soulmate issue. No. That was out of the question. If it was anyone else, he'd consider it, but it was Loki. He couldn't tell them that his soulmate was Loki. That would cause no end of trouble, but then again, he wasn't going to do anything about it. No. He wouldn't date the monster. He could never do that. He sighed as they walked down the hall, trying to get to the garden but they were evidently lost. 

"So... did you talk to him about...?" Bruce asked, seeming genuinely excited.

"Yeah," Tony replied sharply. "Told him I wasn't interested, and that I'd rather be alone. He respects that."

Bruce's eyes widened. That couldn't have been a good conversation to have. Why wouldn't Tony let himself have a soulmate? Okay, he wouldn't want Loki as a soulmate, but he was better than nothing. He hated seeing Tony seem sad. He could tell that the soulmate thing was bothering him, that the fact that it was Loki was killing him. He wished he could do something to make it better, but he knew that there was nothing he could do. He could just support Tony and offer advice where he could. 

"Why?" Bruce asked softly.

"I can't... I can't look at him without feeling stupidly scared, Bruce! He threw me out of a window! It doesn't matter if he was controlled or not, I... he brings back too many memories. He caused me so much pain. He's killed hundreds of people! I can't be with a monster!" Tony explained, ignoring the looks he got from the guards. He didn't need to acknowledge them, he was too in his head for anything like that.

Bruce went quiet for a bit, understanding why Tony was hesitant to even talk about the situation. If he was in Tony's position, he'd probably be the same. He sighed and gently pat the mechanic's shoulder, trying to show him that he was there and he'd support him, no matter what. Tony understood his intention and he smiled softly, silently thanking Bruce. He was glad that he didn't have to go through it alone, especially with someone who understood a bit about what he was going through. He was glad that they could get through it together. They wouldn't have to be alone.

\----------------------

Loki was sat at his desk, the guards watching him with vicious smirks. He didn't move. He kept his head down, trying to read his book. He could barely focus, and he found himself falling asleep. He did everything he could to keep himself awake, not wanting to sleep with the guards in the room. As soon as Tony left, they started questioning him about what was said, but he didn't speak. He didn't speak to the guards unless it was to curse them. That normally annoyed them, but what else could he do? He thought over what Tony said. What he told Tony. He was only honest because he wanted his soulmate to understand, to maybe warm up to him. Then he was rejected. That hurt. Tony would rather be alone than to be with him. It stung, but he couldn't say he was surprised. Who would want him? 

"...Caused me so much pain! He's killed hundreds of people! I can't be with a monster!" He heard Tony through the door.

He bit his lip, trying to stay calm. Of course. He was hoping that Tony could see past that. That he would maybe give Loki a chance to be himself, and not the monster he was made out to be. That he was forced to be. Of course, he was wrong. That was the one thing he was wrong about. He felt his heart break, shatter even. His whole body hurt, which wasn't unusual, especially after the past twelve hours, but this was different. It was heartbreak. Even though they'd never been together, his heart was still breaking. He masked it, not wanting the guards to see him falter. He could never let that happen.

Maybe he had to be the monster that everyone saw him as. Maybe then he could be free.


	7. 7. Without a Home, Without a Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this! It honestly means so much! I’ve updated the tags, it’s worth checking them out. Please be safe! My twitter is en_ydw_i and my tumblr is enydwi, if you ever want a chat or need to vent, my DMs are always open! Stay safe and enjoy! x

Tony walked down the hall, much tenser than he wanted to be. He didn't want to go speak to Loki again. Why would he want to? He just wanted to go home, but no, he was forced to stay a couple of extra days. Sure, it was in his best interest, but at the same time, it wasn't. He didn't want to spend any more time with Loki than he already had. After all, what if he fell for the god? He couldn't risk that. He couldn't love a monster. No. He couldn't do that.

He walked into the god's room, the guards not questioning him this time. As soon as he walked into the room, the guards left. Thor had obviously told them that Tony could go in whenever he wanted and could be trusted to be in there alone with Loki. He looked around the room, the god being nowhere in sight. He assumed that everything was okay, otherwise the guards would've said something. He decided to take the time to look around, wanting to know a bit more about the trickster. He saw the bookcase was full of books, on the top shelf were unnamed ones, the rest being ones in various languages, but he recognised some Shakespeare books in the mix. There were a few others scattered around the room, but they were in different languages. How many could the god speak? Tony sighed and went over to the bed, seeing it looked neat, as if it wasn't used. He knew that Loki was immaculate, even the books scattered around the room were in neat piles. The bed being immaculate didn't surprise the mechanic. He went over to the desk and looked at some of the books, seeing Hamlet there, as well as a blank one. He looked around the room as if to check for the trickster before he opened it. The handwriting was neat, it wouldn't surprise Tony if it was the gods. He didn't understand it though, it was in a different language. A language he'd never seen before.

A door opening made him slam the book shut and move to the bed, sitting on the end. Loki walked in, in a simple dark green poet shirt and tight leather trousers. His black hair was damp, falling just below his shoulders. He looked exhausted. Even Tony could see that. Loki's eyes widened when he saw the mechanic on his bed. He wasn't expecting to see Tony again. Not after he said that he'd never love Loki because he was a monster. Loki didn't think that he was wrong, but the words still hurt. He smirked mischievously, though he was only going through the motions. He gathered that Tony was back to get more information, but there wasn't anything else that Loki wanted to say.

"Stark," Loki greeted. "What a pleasure it is, for you to visit me two days running."

Tony watched the trickster suspiciously. Something was wrong. Even he could see that. Loki was being his usual cocky self. As comforting as that was, Tony didn't think he'd be able to deal with any emotions coming from the god, it concerned him how quick Loki could hide his emotions. How was it possible to do it within a matter of a millisecond? Then again, he was a trickster. It was his thing, Tony supposed.

"Just wanted to check in on you," Tony shrugged. "We're staying on Asgard a bit longer than planned, so I wanted to make the most of the time here."

Loki scoffed and rolled his eyes, clearly impressed. He walked over to his wardrobe, though Tony clocked that the god had a slight limp. It was ever so slight, but the mechanic knew that Loki was almost a master at hiding things. He couldn't trust anything the god said or did, but if he tried to hide something, the human knew that there was some importance to it. Loki hid his exhaustion, so there was an element of truth to that. Loki was trying to hide a limp, so there was something real about that. Tony was learning a lot about the trickster, and he was actually enjoying it.

"No, you wanted more information on the Mad Titan and the infinity stones," Loki replied as he shrugged a coat on. "I'm not easily fooled, Stark."

Tony was caught by surprise, but he knew that Loki would figure it out. He had to get a new tactic. One that would work. What could he do? Just pretend to be nice? That he was just there to be nice? He didn't know if the god would believe it, but maybe if he went more friendly rather than work then he would get some answers. Hopefully.

"Do you really think I'm that shallow?" Tony asked, seeming amused. "No, if I wanted information on them, I'd go to someone I could trust."

Loki looked at the human, who was just sitting on the bed with a smile. Loki didn't believe him, knowing that the mechanic had no one else who had knowledge on the titan. No one he could find as easily as Loki, anyway. Besides, Tony said he wasn't interested in pursuing a friendship or even more, and he'd made his thoughts quite clear on Loki. The god wasn't stupid.

"So that's why you're staying on Asgard? Coincidentally after I provide you with rather important information, that I'm certain Thor now knows of. Though that's all a coincidence, correct?" Loki asked, clearly not buying into it.

"I have my own questions," Tony replied sharply. "Why didn't you tell anyone you were being controlled?"

Loki thought for a few seconds, trying to think of the best way to phrase it. It wasn't something he really wanted to hide, but he didn't want Tony to know, purely out of spite. Who was the human to march into his room, look through his book, and demand answers to questions he didn't have the right to ask? No. Loki didn't want to answer. He could, but it would be much more fun not to.

"Why do you doubt me?" Loki eventually answered.

Tony looked at the god with an amused smirk. He understood the answer he got, without it being an answer. No one would believe Loki. That's why the god kept it a secret. That made sense. The mechanic would accept that as an answer. He watched as the god leant against the wall, crossing his arms as he did. Loki wouldn't be fooled easily, Tony thought. He'd have to try a new tactic.

"Ikol?" He asked, which surprised Loki. He looked at the mechanic confusedly. "Why did you go with the name Ikol? Surely you figured someone would figure it out eventually."

Loki snorted amusedly and shook his head, seeming amused by it. Tony just looked at the god confusedly, not understanding the reaction the question got.

"It was a joke between a friend and I. He suggested the name," Loki replied.

That took Tony by surprise. How could Loki talk to a friend? No one but Frigga had been in the room, and Tony doubted that she was the friend. The guards all seemed to hate him, so how could he talk to someone other than Tony? He didn't get it.

"You have a friend?" Tony asked, trying to joke. Loki glared at him in reply, making Tony roll his eyes. "It was a joke, Hook. How did you talk to him, anyway?"

Loki shook his head and looked out the window. Tony knew he wasn't getting anywhere. Maybe he shouldn't have made that joke, but it was clear that Loki wasn't going to answer for whatever reason. He could feel himself starting to grow irritated. The god wasn't playing ball for a reason Tony couldn't see, so... maybe he had to take things into his own hands. Being just nice wasn't working, so maybe there was another tactic he could try. Was it cruel? Yes, but he needed answers.

"Look, I'm sorry. I should've realised that that would be a touchy subject. I just want to get to know you," Tony said softly, making Loki look at the human confusedly. "I... we're bound to each other, no matter what happens. So we may as well be civil and see where it takes us." Loki watched the human, clearly suspicious. He couldn't tell if the human was being honest, and it scared him. He'd always wanted to meet his soulmate. To have someone he could count on, no matter what. Then he found out that his soulmate was Tony. The man he threw out of a window. The person who thinks him a monster. "I'll give you some time to think about it. I'll see you later."

Tony got up and walked out of the room, the guards entering again, taking their usual posts. Loki thought for a bit without making a move, trying to process what Tony had said. Could he really believe Tony? After all, only twenty-four hours prior he'd said that he could never love a monster. Was he that desperate for love that he'd believe Tony, or was he just going to see where it goes? He didn't have a clue. He looked up and saw a guard smirk at him, making his heart drop. There was only one thing that that meant.

\------------------------------------------------

He tried telling himself things couldn't get any worse, but he knew they could. At least Loki had his room. Sure, it was full of guards, and he was still having to deal with them, but things could be worse. He could deal with the guards. He'd found his mind forgetting what was bits of what was happening, almost as if it was a defence mechanism. He hated it, he wanted to remember, he liked his memory, but at the same time, he didn't want to remember what was going on. He wanted to forget everything about it.

He kept his head down over his book, making it look like he was reading. He didn't want them to think that they were winning. He didn't want to give the guards that satisfaction, and he certainly didn't want to give Odin that satisfaction. He had to keep his head held high and take whatever came to him. They'd dampened his magic to the point where he could only put a glamour up, which easily hid his physical state. He missed his magic though. He wanted to talk to En, but he couldn't without his magic. He wasn't even allowed on the balcony. The only places he could go were the desk, bed and bathroom. He was lucky he could go there on his own.

Loki thought over everything Tony said, trying to figure out his intentions. Why would he change his mind over being nice? He said he wasn't interested in seeing where things are going, so why would he change his mind? The trickster was conflicted. He knew that Tony was just trying to get information, but what if he wasn't? What if there was that small chance that Tony actually wanted to see where things went between them? He had too many questions.

He heard the door open and he lifted his head to see what was happening, smiling ever so slightly when he saw Frigga. Frigga was the only one who came to see him, besides Tony, and he still missed her. She normally came once a week, but he knew that she had better things to do. At least it was actually her instead of an illusion. He appreciated that. He got up slowly, mindful of his body. Considering he couldn't heal himself, he was doing pretty good. He wasn't dead, which could be taken as a good thing. The guards left, knowing that Frigga would send them out anyway. Loki appreciated that. He liked having some time away from the guards.

"How have you been, my son?" Frigga asked, smiling softly. "I'm sorry I didn't visit sooner. The ball took over."

"It's no issue, Mother," Loki replied softly. "I've been well. How was the ball?"

"It was rather good. Thor has finally found his soulmate. They've not parted much since," Frigga said with a smile, not knowing about Loki's issue with Tony.

"Who is the lucky maiden?" Loki asked with disdain. Of course Thor would be lucky. Who wouldn't want Thor Odinson? Sure, he was happy for his brother, but he could still be jealous if he wanted to.

"Bruce Banner," Frigga answered.

Oh. That wasn't what Loki was expecting. He didn't know what to say. That's why Tony was staying on Asgard. Because Bruce was. That made sense. So Tony wasn't just staying to use him for information? That was a relief. So it meant that Tony really wanted to get to know him? Maybe Thor had done him a favour. Unintentionally, sure, but it was a favour nonetheless. Tony wasn't just using him and that made him feel... he didn't know how he felt. He didn't know how to deal with the information.

"Well, I hope the two of them are happy," Loki replied, smiling. "They deserve it."

He meant that. As much as he cursed Thor, as jealous as he was, he wanted nothing but the best for him. Even though he denied their relation in any way, he still thought of him as a brother and doubted he ever would see him as a true enemy. Even though he was scared of what Thor would say when he found out about Loki's heritage, he still cared about Thor. He would, no matter what. Even if he hadn't seen Thor since the whole New York incident, he still cared. He always would.

"They seem it," She smiled softly. "I wish you could be too."

Loki paused at that. Why should he be happy? He didn't deserve it. He'd killed hundreds, probably thousands of people. Sure, not all for a bad reason, but there were still at least one hundred that he killed in a negative light. He was a terrible person, so why did he deserve happiness?

"I believe it may be too late for that," he replied smoothly. "I'm responsible for my actions, and I must face the consequences."

"Is that regret?" Frigga asked, clearly hoping it was.

"No," Loki replied sharply. "It's taking responsibility for my actions and acknowledging my failure. It's acknowledging that even when I become the person everyone sees me as, I'm still not good enough. That I will forever be a monster." Frigga looked taken aback at that, but Loki cut her off before she could speak again. "It's in my blood, mother dearest, is it not?"

Frigga hesitated. She didn't know what Loki was thinking or how to reply. Loki sighed and closed his book, putting it back on the bookcase. He didn't know why he was so frustrated. He could pin it on Tony, but he had a feeling his emotions had accumulated and he was taking it out on anyone close to him. Was that fair? No. But it wasn't like anyone cared about him. About how he acted. They were leaving him with the guards who, with Odin's permission, were causing him no end of pain. He was doomed to fall into his title. He was hoping his family would see beyond that, but no. Odin only saw a relic. A frost giant that wasn't even good enough for his parents. Thor saw a monster. Frigga saw a charity case.

"Loki... though through blood you're Jotun, by upbringing you're Aesir. You get to make the choice of which one you wish to be," Frigga said softly, being careful of his mindstate.

"When I tried to make that choice I was thrown off the Bifrost. There's truly no winning. I'm doomed to be a monster, no matter what I do," Loki replied.

"You could've been forgiven for what you did here and to Jotunheim. Yet what's sealed people's opinions are your actions on Midgard. If you want to claim that others are pining you to be a monster, you should consider your own actions and how they're perceived."

Loki chuckled bitterly and shook his head. He looked at her with a smirk and leant back against the wall. He wanted to tell her the truth, but he couldn't do that. He was surprised that she didn't know, considering Tony did. Had Tony not told anyone? He doubted it, but if he did then Frigga would probably know. Tony hadn't said anything. The mechanic must've kept it a secret. Why? Surely he'd tell everyone. What was the point in not telling anyone? Unless he really wanted Loki to trust him. Maybe Tony was telling the truth.

"Was I not told from birth that I would be destined for a crown?" Loki asked, a vicious smirk on his face.

"You and I both know where that crown belongs," Frigga replied smoothly.

"Which shows that I will always be lesser than Thor. That we will never be equals," Loki stated. "Besides, as long as Odin is alive I can't claim the throne, and even then if I do it's a death sentence, considering Thor's views on Jotuns. It would be bad for both myself and the realm."

Frigga hesitated, clearly having not thought about it that way before. Equally, she was glad hearing him considering the realm in his calculations. At least it showed he cared, even if it was only a little bit. She was hoping that Loki could get better, but she knew that he probably wouldn't. He'd been through too much, and as a mother, she felt awful. She wanted to protect her sons, but sometimes she couldn't, and that was hard for her to accept.

"Thor loves you, Loki. He's your brother," Frigga replied softly. "I'm sorry that you feel that he'll hurt you, but he won't. He loves you too dearly to ever harm you."

"He already has," Loki retorted amusedly. "Though no one wishes to remember that. After all, he's the golden child."

"We... I love you both unconditionally. I have no favourites," Frigga frowned. "You're both my sons and I have a great love for you both. I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

Loki sighed and shook his head. He caught Frigga correcting herself. Sure, he knew that Odin hated him, but it didn't make it hurt any less. It always hurt. He didn't have a father. He never had. He'd killed his birth father. Did he regret it? Yes. He wanted answers, but he supposed he could get them through his birth mother, should he ever track her down. Sure, it could've been because of his size, but why leave him on a temple to die when Jotuns are religious creatures? He didn't understand. Plus, he wanted their side of the story, not just Odin's. 

"Perhaps that is the case, though we all know what Odin thinks. I'll be confined to my room for the rest of his days, and perhaps for Thor's too. Now that Laufey is dead, he has no peace to keep with Jotunheim, so he can do whatever he pleases with me," Loki replied, Frigga hesitating, knowing it was true. "Though I'd be dead if it wasn't for you. Odin is waiting for the opportunity to kill me."

"And how are the guards treating you?" Frigga asked worriedly. "Are they still causing you trouble?"

"No. I'm fine," Loki lied, and Frigga nodded, having no reason to doubt him. 

"Alright. Let me know if that changes," She replied softly. "I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere. I'll see you soon."

"Of course," Loki sighed, pushing himself off the wall. "Goodbye, mother."

Frigga smiled at him before she left, the guards instantly filling the room. Even though there were always people in his room, he'd never felt more alone. He'd never felt more isolated. He'd been abandoned by his family and those he considered his friends. How could he not feel alone? Sometimes he wished that Frigga would just allow Odin to kill him. Death would be a mercy, he didn't deserve it, but he'd accept it nevertheless. He would welcome death as he'd tried before. Though then he was awoken, which was something he didn't appreciate. He wished that he'd truly died, then he wouldn't have met the Titan. He could've saved lives. That was too easy. Thanos had his ways. Thanos was still looking for him. He knew that if the titan was successful in finding him... he’d long for death. Well, more than he already did. He thought it would be easier to just accept death there and then, but the last time he tried all sharp objects were taken from his room and there were guards constantly around him, who followed him everywhere. He was glad that they weren't that bad at that moment, that he could still shower in privacy. He knew that when he tried again, he'd make sure he'd be successful. Or he'd have to annoy the guards to the point where they killed him. If Odin hadn't told them to keep him alive, he knew he'd be dead. They wouldn’t risk killing him while Odin wanted him alive. Odin was keeping him alive to suffer. Even if he deserved it... He was done.


	8. 8. Darkened Nights and Violent Things

"Tony, this is a bad idea! What if he hurts you?" Bruce asked as he followed the mechanic down the hall.

Tony had explained his plan to Bruce. The one to get close to Loki and use the fact that they're soulmates to his advantage to get information. Was he proud of the plan? Not really. But what other choice did he have? Bruce clearly didn't support the plan, but he was more worried for Tony than anything else. If Loki found out, there could be trouble, and that's exactly what he wanted to avoid. He didn't want his best friend getting hurt just to get information. Well, he didn't want Tony getting hurt at all, but especially just for information. Then again, he knew that Tony did whatever he wanted. He was still working on trying to get the mechanic out of that.

"I'll be fine. The guards told me he can't use his magic at the moment, and we're always on opposite sides of the room. Anyway, I have my glove and the guards are only a call away. I'll be fine," Tony replied with a reassuring smile.

Tony didn't see why Bruce was worried about him. After all, he could take care of himself. Plus, he'd defeated Loki once, he could do it again. Though he couldn't stop thinking about what Loki said. 'I was defeated because I wanted to be defeated'. Had the god really gone out of his way to make his moves predictable so that they could beat him? Then again, if he wanted to lose, why not do it earlier? Or why just not attack New York? He didn't get it. He wanted, no, he needed answers.

"Just... if you're not careful and I think you're in danger, I'm telling the team. I don't want to underestimate Loki. He's smart. He's the god of lies. He might see through your plan, and... I don't want to risk you getting hurt. We could always come up with another plan," Bruce said with a small frown.

"No, Bruce. He won't tell us shit, this is the only way we could get information," Tony replied. "Anyway... there are things that bug me about him. Did you know that Frigga's the only one that visits him? And no one else knows that he was controlled because he knows that no one would believe him. So now the only person he has is Frigga. I don't know... I know I shouldn't, but... I feel sorry for him. I've only seen the real him a couple of times, and... he reminds me of myself, which I know sounds bad, but... it's weird. I want to help him."

Bruce couldn't help but smile at what Tony was saying. He didn't expect that from Tony, especially when he was talking about Loki. He felt like a proud father, in a way. When he first met Tony, he thought the mechanic was selfish and arrogant. He was glad that he was proved wrong. It wasn't long before he started seeing the real Tony. The one that wanted to make a safer world. The one that wanted to help others. And sure, he wasn't that kind of doctor, but he would always listen to Tony when he spoke about his problems and he tried to help as much as he could. Seeing the progress that Tony had made just made his heart burst.

"That's the soulmate bond talking," Bruce chuckled. "It'll be okay. It's okay to feel sorry for him. If he was really controlled, then he was as innocent as Clint in the whole thing. And... the Tony Stark I know helps people, especially those who are innocent. I have complete faith in you. I trust you, Tony. I know that you'll do the right thing. Just try to keep yourself safe this time."

"No promises, doc."

\------------------

Tony was used to it by now. He'd walk in, the guards would walk out, and Loki would get up from his desk and lean against the wall. Tony would either stay stood up for a bit or sit on the always immaculate bed. Tony knew he'd be there for a while, so he sat down on the bed. He always felt bad ruining the ever so tidy bed, but he knew Loki didn't mind. He looked at the god opposite him, seeing how he looked off. He couldn't tell how, but there was something different about him. It was worrying, but he just put it off to getting to know the god better. 

"So, Rock of Ages, how're you?" Tony asked curiously. He noticed the god look confused at the nickname but he just found it amusing. Of course Loki wouldn't know that film. 

"I'm alright, and yourself?" Loki asked in reply, his tone seeming more pointed than usual. 

That struck Tony. He wasn't imagining it. Something was definitely wrong. He watched the god closely, trying to figure out exactly what was wrong. He seemed to be leaning on the wall a lot more than usual, as if he was relying on the wall to keep himself up. He saw Loki watching him as if he was about to snap, so he quickly stopped trying to assess him. Maybe he was being paranoid. 

"I'm good. I just... long day, y' know? I didn't get enough sleep for this." Tony chuckled softly and shook his head, trying to pass it all off as a joke. He saw Loki's gaze sharpen and he realised that his words could easily be misinterpreted. "No, not for this, just to be awake in general. I can always spend time with you. Nothing could get in the way of that."

Loki's gaze softened at that. Did Tony mean that? Why would he mean it? No one ever wanted to spend time with him. So why would Tony? The man he threw out of a window? No. It didn't make sense. He deserved to be alone. Then again, why should he doubt Tony? He felt bad not believing the human. After all, after talking to Frigga, it seemed that Tony's intentions were genuine. He was incredibly conflicted, and he hated it. He wanted to know what Tony's intentions were. He didn't want to live in fear of people's opinions of him.

"Is that why you're here?" Loki asked, cocking a brow.

Tony got the feeling that Loki didn't quite believe him, but he swallowed his panic. He couldn't let the god see his nerves. No, that would only make matters worse. It would make his lies less believable. He was lying to the god of lies. Did he really think he could get away with it? Then again, he didn't know what to think. It seemed that Loki did believe him so far, but he couldn't be sure. He hated it. He wanted to know, but he didn't know how to tell. The god could be playing him, and he had no idea. Bruce was right. He was playing a dangerous game. One that could get him killed. But it could save thousands of lives, depending on how true the information Loki gave them was. It could all be worth it. Tony just needed to get through it.

"Because I wanted to see you? Yeah." Tony shrugged slightly. "I don't know how much longer I'm staying on Asgard, so I thought I'd make the most of my time with you."

"Ah yes, you're staying here longer as Thor and Bruce are courting," Loki hummed softly. 

Tony looked at the god confusedly. How could he know about that? He knew that Bruce hadn't seen Loki, he was too scared of the big guy coming out to even considering seeing Loki. Thor, apart from the occasional self-pity session, didn't mention Loki or even see him. Plus, the guards told him that Thor never visited. He felt bad. Practically everyone deserted Loki. Sure, he deserved it, but he couldn't even imagine how that felt. To be truly alone. Sure, Loki had Frigga and now Tony, but two people when everyone else deserted him, his father and brother practically ignoring his existence... The human couldn't begin to imagine how painful that could be, especially after years of being in a close and caring family. 

"How do you know about that?" Tony asked.

"Frigga visited yesterday. She informed me of the news," Loki replied. "I'm truly happy for them."

Loki didn't look that happy about it. He seemed more blank about it. As if he didn't know how to feel about it. Tony hesitated, not knowing how to go about it. What could he say? He didn't want to antagonise the god, he didn't want to touch on any rough subjects, but he was curious. Plus he was scared that Loki was going to do something. 

"Really? You don't look it."

"I truly am. I wish for happiness for the two of them. I'm happy that they've found each other." Loki shrugged. "Though Thor and I discussed marriage when we were younger. We were both young, mere children. At the age where love and marriage were becoming known to us. We would discuss our dream marriages. Thor's were extravagant, regal, everything of the sort. A perfect royal wedding. Mine was more minimalistic. Family and friends. Perhaps a nice flower arrangement. The complete opposite of Thor's, and in no way any form of a royal wedding. Though what they both had in common was that we would be by each other's side. We would be there for each other, to support the other endlessly. As siblings should. Now I won't be able to attend his wedding. Though I doubt that's something he cares about. He has no reason to. No. I'll be stuck in here, rotting, and he'll be wed. Living his life happily with his spouse. I'll be forgotten about, if I haven't been already, and he'll be wed. Living his best life. He deserves it. He deserves the best. Though it's still painful. I shouldn't feel like that. Though... it's weird to think that something we looked forward to as children will never happen. I won't be at my brother's wedding. I'll never see him again. I truly wish him the best, because that's what he deserves."

Tony's eyes widened as he thought over the god's words. He hadn't expected Loki to open up so soon. Or as much as he did. Or how emotional he sounded as he spoke. He sounded as if he was holding back tears, and he stared at a certain part of the bed as he spoke, his gaze never wavering. Tony had never expected that. He found himself feeling sorry for the god. It was something he'd clearly thought about quite a lot, reminisced about. He genuinely seemed sad at the thought of not seeing his brother again. The human knew that the god was meant to be imprisoned for the rest of his life, but he remembered Thor saying that he wanted to undo that when he became king, as long as Loki showed remorse. Clearly, Loki knew his brother well enough to know that Thor wouldn't give up on him so easily. It confused Tony as to why Loki thought that he'd never see Thor again.

"I thought you weren't brothers," Tony replied after a while, that being the only thing he could think to say. 

"We aren't, though I wish things hadn't changed. I wish I'd never learnt the truth," Loki answered before he chuckled at his words, shaking his head. "Regret. Who would've thought that something so simple could drag even the mightiest down?"

"Oh, you're cocky, aren't you?" Tony chuckled.

"It's not cocky to know your worth," Loki replied. "I know my strengths. I don't overestimate my abilities, though I know my place along with the soldiers I used to fight with. I know that my abilities matched Thor's, though no one wanted to see that. No matter how hard I tried, I could never live up to Thor. No one would see that. Though it only pushed me to train further. To do whatever I could to get myself seen. Who thought that the best way to do that was to almost destroy a realm and take over another?"

Tony felt his anger flare at Loki's words. How could he say something like that? How could he kill hundreds of people just because he felt left out? No. Tony wasn't going to take that as an answer. He couldn't. 

"No. Don't you even start to blame your childhood trauma on what you did," Tony replied. "I grew up always being compared to others. My father never accepted me as his kid because I wasn't good enough. I never lived up to his greatest creation. But hey, here I am, saving the world. I've always been looked down on, everyone's underestimated me, I've always been invisible to those that were supposed to care about me, but I never turned to murder. I never once tried to destroy a world or take over another because I have daddy issues. So don't even go down that fucking route. You're responsible for your own actions, so take accountability. Don't blame anyone else for what you did, because you did it, and that's your own fault. And hey, not everyone is lucky enough to have lived in a place like this. To have everything they could've wanted. To have such great parents. Odin and Frigga look like perfect parents. I'd kill to have parents like them. Parents that actually care about me. You have that, and yet you throw that all away, all because you want attention. No. That's no fucking excuse, Loki. No matter how much you want it to be."

"Don't pretend you know me, Stark. Don't pretend you know anything of my past or my supposed family. If this is why you came here, to ridicule me for my actions or for my emotions, then leave. You know nothing about me, about my past or the reasoning behind my actions. Don't make assumptions, as they will only come back to haunt you," Loki snapped. He didn't seem to have the strength to convey the anger he felt. It was as if he was too exhausted. 

They both went silent as if they were both waiting for the other to make a move to attack. Neither of them moved, though. Loki reverted his gaze to the floor as if he was too scared to see how Tony reacted to what he said. Tony kept watching the god, noticing the move. Loki was good at hiding his feelings, but Tony had hit a nerve. He'd left the god vulnerable. Even though Loki was hiding his emotions, Tony could see that the god was scared that he'd annoyed the human. Even that the god seemed too exhausted to even be angry. That, he found weird. Tony took a few deep breaths, trying to compose himself. He had to keep his cool. He couldn't blow his cover. Not yet.

"No, I didn't come to talk to you about that. I just... I guess it's a touchy subject for the both of us, and I'm sorry," Tony replied after a few minutes of silence, the two of them trying to manage the feelings from their brief spat. "I just wanted to get to know you a bit more. The real you. Not the person you let everyone else see, but the real you."

"I'm sorry," Loki replied after a little while. "I shouldn't have snapped. I'm simply unused to people seeming to care. I'm sorry."

Tony hesitated again, looking at the god. Not used to people caring? No. That couldn't be true. He had a loving family. Thor had said that they both had friends, a lot of them at that. No. Loki had always had people to care about him, but he just wanted people to feel sorry for him. Tony couldn't believe the nerve of Loki. How low he would go to get people to feel sorry for him. To excuse his actions. He couldn't believe he had to be soulmates with someone like Loki. He couldn't believe he felt sorry for him earlier. How could he be so foolish?

"Yeah. Life's shit," Tony sighed. He thought for a few seconds, trying to think of ways to get more information out of the god. How could he get Loki to trust him? Unless... he played his own game. That could blow up in his face, he thought, but what other choice did he have? "My father made Captain America. Made the serum. Steve was his greatest creation. His pride and joy. Then Steve was lost in the ice. So when I was born... No matter how hard I tried, I could never live up to him. I was never good enough. Even now, I take it out on Steve. I shouldn't. He's not responsible for Howard's actions, but... it's hard."

Loki watched Tony, trying to figure out why he was being told that. Did Tony trust him already? Someone trusted him? He couldn't believe it. No one had ever trusted him before. Well, maybe Frigga had for a while, but no one else. He was a trickster. God of Mischief and Lies. No one ever trusted him. Yet here Tony was, telling Loki a bit about his trauma. He didn't know how to feel. Someone trusted him... His soulmate trusted him enough to tell him a bit about his trauma. That... Loki didn't think that that could ever happen. He couldn't help but feel a little happy. Was that how people felt when they were trusted? He didn't know. 

"I'm sorry. That can't have been easy," Loki replied softly. "Father's who abandon their children, be it physically or mentally, deserve to rot in Hel for all of eternity." Loki thought for a few seconds. Tony trusted him. Should he return the favour? No. He couldn't. He couldn't risk Tony finding out about that. What else? Unless... "My birth father seemed to have left me for dead. He deemed me unworthy at birth. Odin took me in after he found me."

Tony's anger flared again. Odin took Loki in after the god was left for dead, and Loki still hated him? He still blamed Odin for his actions? The human couldn't believe it. Loki seemed to have everything. A caring family, a nice home, the best resources, yet he was still a spoilt, entitled brat. Tony smiled sympathetically, even he was impressed by how well he was hiding his anger. How well he was holding himself together.

"It's nice that Odin took you in though. Even if you are adopted, you've got a loving family right here," Tony said, making Loki smile sadly. 

Loki wanted to cry. A loving family? He'd never had a family. He had Frigga. He had a mother. Then again, even she was ashamed of him. She must hate him, he thought. After all, Odin was trying to grant him mercy. He wanted to kill Loki, end it right there and then. End his seemingly eternal suffering. Frigga wanted him to live. To suffer for the rest of his life. Wait until the titan finally found him. To finally make him pay. And Thor... Thor didn't care. He'd made it clear that he didn't care what happened to Loki. Frigga and Tony told him that he cared, they always tried to reassure him, but if the god cared, where was he? Loki hadn't seen him in a decade. That's how much the god of thunder cared about his younger brother. Then again, they weren't brothers, were they? Thor had finally found a way to escape. To forget about Loki. They weren't brothers, so Thor didn't have to stick around. Thor could finally forget about him, he didn't have to have the younger follow him around, be in his shadows, constantly make him look bad. No. He didn't have to put up with that anymore. Loki was as good as dead to him. It was then that Loki realised, that no matter what happened, whether he was dead or alive, Thor had no brother. Odin had no second son. Frigga didn't have another son. No. It didn't matter whether or not he was alive, he was dead to them. He didn't exist. He would never exist. He was as good as dead. 

"Yes. You're right," Loki replied, suddenly feeling sick. Should the room be spinning? He didn't know. He wasn't sure. The lights seemed brighter than usual. Were they? He didn't think they could be. 

"I think maybe you should talk to them. Try to figure out the whole family issues, you know?" Tony asked, but Loki wasn't listening. "I think you'll feel better once it's all sorted. It won't be easy, but... I think you need closure on this part of your- Gertrude?" Tony suddenly asked when he noticed Loki wasn't listening. He noticed that the god wasn't focusing on anything. That he was much paler and... flickering? That couldn't be good, Tony thought. He got up and walked over to him, noticing the god didn't even react. He gently touched Loki's shoulder, hoping the gesture would help ground him, but he gasped in shock and pulled his hand away when he felt how cold Loki was. He was stone cold. How was that possible? He noticed Loki flinch away from his touch and look at him in fear. Loki was scared. The god was petrified... Why? "Loki? Are you okay?"

Before he knew it, he saw the god start to fall. He quickly caught him and was surprised to find that the god was much lighter than he had expected him to be. He gently set him down on the floor to give him a quick check over but gasped in shock when he saw the state of the god. He was unconscious, but he had bruises and cuts on his face. They weren't there before. He'd never seen them before. Who could've done it? Loki was always alone in the room. Frigga was the last person to see him, apart from the guards. None of them would've done this to Loki. Was it an illusion? A way to get Tony to feel sorry for the god? No, it was too real. It explained why Loki was acting odd. It was too real to be an illusion. What could he do? Guards. He had to get help.

"A little help in here, please!" Tony called, hoping he'd been loud enough for the guards to hear. 

Luckily, he had been. The doors immediately opened, only for the guards to hesitate once they saw the unconscious god on the floor. How could Tony explain it? It looked like he'd done it, he realised. He hadn't thought that through. Then again, why would he call for help if he'd done that? Either way, he really didn't want to be charged with assault on an alien planet. That didn't exactly sound like a fun plan.

"He just collapsed, and now he looks like this," Tony explained, clearly worried. His worry surprised himself, he realised. Why was he worried? He was angry at the god only a few minutes ago, and now he was worried about him. Loki was covering for someone, and he had the opportunity to tell Tony, yet he never did. He stayed quiet. He never said a word. Was that worrying? Absolutely.

"We'll get him to a healer," The head guard said. "You go rest, Sir Anthony."

Something about how calm the guards were unnerved him. They didn't seem surprised or worried. They didn't seem to care. Why wouldn't they care? They were meant to look after him. Unless... they were the last ones to see him. They were constantly around him without any supervision. They'd even threatened him, and Loki seemed scared of them. Tony didn't want to believe it, but he knew that it was the most reasonable option.

"Get Frigga," Tony commanded. "I'm not leaving his side until she's here."

They all seemed to hesitate for far too long before one of them left. Tony could feel his anger rise again, not because of Loki, but because of the people trusted to watch over him potentially hurting him. How couldn't he have noticed before? Loki always leant against the wall for support. He winced whenever he stood up or even reached up for a book. It was blatantly obvious that the god was in pain, but he ignored it. Why? Because he wouldn't let himself care. Yet he realised, he cared about Loki more than he wanted to. He was worried about the god more than he was willing to admit. The god was hurting, and no one noticed. Soulmates were meant to notice these things. They were meant to care enough to know when the other was hurting, but Tony never did. He was a bad soulmate...

Frigga stormed in, being met with the one sight she'd feared to see again. Her son, unconscious and hurt. Though at least this time he wasn't alone. She saw Tony holding him, almost in tears. That explained why Tony visited her son every day. Though that was for another time. She walked up to them and crouched down next to Tony, gently placing her hand on his shoulder.

"It will all be okay," She said softly. "We'll get him to the healers and ensure those who did this will pay for their crimes."

And Tony hated to admit it, but he saw all of the guards look at Frigga in fear.

They hurt his soulmate, and they weren't going to get away with it.


	9. 9. He’s In The Best Selling Show

Tony didn't leave the god's side. Not since he collapsed. He carried them to the healers, Frigga leading the way. He put the god down on the bed and sat next to him while the healers worked on him. He refused to leave his side, even when Frigga suggested. She understood, luckily enough. She was nice enough to get him some water, offering food, but Tony wasn't hungry. He felt sick to his stomach. How could anyone hurt another being? For what reason? For fun? Revenge? Sure, he'd thought about taking revenge against the god. But would he? No. He was above that, and he knew just how bad it could hurt someone. No. The fact that this could've been happening for much longer than Tony could think... that scared him. No wonder Loki was so emotionless.

Tony had a thousand thoughts running through his head. He should've been there to protect his soulmate. He should've known what was going on and put a stop to it. Then again, why did he care? Why was he so torn up about the situation? It was awful. He shouldn't feel this way about Loki, yet he couldn't stop himself. He couldn't act as if he hadn't almost sobbed over his unconscious body. He couldn't act as if he wasn't worried sick. He couldn't act as if everything was okay. He cared about Tony, much more than he was willing to admit. Was he happy about that? No. But he couldn't deny it.

He couldn't deny the fact that he liked the god. Much more than he ever wanted to at that. He wanted it to stop. He didn't want to care. He didn't want to be in love with a monster. Because at the end of the day, that was all that Loki was. A monster. Someone who killed hundreds of people because he had family issues. No. He couldn't love a monster. He just had to hang around long enough to get the information he needed, then he could leave and never look back.

"You've been here a while, Anthony," Frigga said, snapping Tony out of his thoughts. She sat down on the chair opposite Tony, the other side of the bed. "Go get some rest. I'll call you if there's any change in his condition."

Tony felt dread at the thought of moving. He couldn't leave Loki like that. Sure, Frigga was there, but Loki needed more than just his mother. He'd suffered alone for long enough. He needed as many people as he could get. The healers said that there looked to be months worth of injuries, possibly more. They said he'd passed out from a mix of sleep deprivation and malnourishment. He'd been suffering in silence for so long, yet nobody noticed. Nobody saw him to be able to notice. He'd had enough of his magic to hide it, and that's what he did. He tried to pretend that everything was okay, and Tony believed him.

"No, I... It's fine," Tony replied softly, trying to be as polite as possible. "No, I want to stay with him. To be here when he wakes up."

Frigga smiled slightly, watching the human. Tony was worried, but there was something comforting about Frigga's gaze. Something motherly. He didn't know how she'd react to him completely disobeying her orders. She's the queen, after all. He didn't want to disrespect her and not do as she said, but he wanted to stay with Loki. No, he needed to stay with Loki. He couldn't leave him alone again. He had to stay with him.

"Make sure you look after yourself." Frigga smiled warmly, but it was clear that she was upset. "The guards have confessed again. They will no longer harm Loki. I'm bargaining with Odin in an attempt to release him from his punishment."

That surprised Tony. He didn't know how to feel about Loki being free. Was he dangerous? Absolutely. Could he be trusted? No. Was he evil? He didn't know. Nobody knew. Loki wouldn't let anyone know. It was all a guessing game. A way to keep everyone on their toes, and he hated the fact that it worked. It worked perfectly well, and Tony hated it. He hated not knowing. He just wanted to know. He wanted to know exactly what was going on.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Tony asked. "Not to disrespect or anything, I just... Can he be trusted?"

"I don't know," Frigga replied. "Though I know that my son is a good person at heart. Whether or not he wishes to show it."

"Someone can be good, but when they're hurt, they can break. They can snap. All of that good can be replaced with anger. Is that something worth risking?" Tony asked.

He knew all too well what that was like. After Saudi Arabia, after being betrayed by Obie... He broke. He was lucky he had Pepper and Rhodey to talk to. He couldn't imagine what he would've done without them. They helped him process his emotions, to direct his anger to something that wasn't going to harm him or anyone else. Loki didn't have that. Sure, he did now, but he hadn't had it for the past decade. What if they were too late?

"Anthony, I understand your concern, though I know my son," Frigga replied, keeping her voice calm.

"And I know him enough to see that he's unstable. He won't let the good show because he doesn't want to be vulnerable. He doesn't want... he doesn't want to be forgotten about," Tony added, remembering their conversation before the god passed out.

Loki was being hurt, and he didn't tell anyone. He could've gotten out at any point had he told Frigga about what was going on, but he never did. Why? It ran deeper than being forgotten about, Tony realised. It was about care. Did the god notice that people cared about him? Oh no. He was starting to sound like Bruce.

"He will never be forgotten about. His actions have made that rather clear," Frigga said softly, her tone more pointed.

"So why hasn't he seen anyone but the two of us in a decade?" Tony asked, clearly getting irritated.

Why didn't anyone see it? Loki had been on his own for essentially a decade, only being visited once or twice a week, if that. Tony was surprised that the god was still sane. Well, he definitely wasn't stable, but whether or not he was sane... that was something they'd have to figure out. The human felt awful. He wished he would've done something sooner. He wished he could've helped Loki far sooner than what he had.

"His actions have harmed hundreds. They're not something that can be forgiven easily. Though I believe that Odin and Thor should have visited him, they felt betrayed and angry."

Tony was angry and betrayed when Obie got him kidnapped and then tried to kill him. Tony was angry and betrayed when Pepper left him. Tony was angry and betrayed when Steve chose to go on the run rather than work with Tony to solve the problem. But Tony was always there for Pepper and Steve if they needed him, and vice versa. They were always there for each other. As soon as Steve needed him, he was there. Loki needed his family, and no one was there. Tony couldn't imagine how that felt.

"He blames you all for what he did," Tony said after a while.

"I know. Though he seems to have taken a bit of responsibility," Frigga replied softly.

"Yeah, but is that enough after what he's done?" The human asked, seeming confused.

"I don't know."

Tony knew that that was a dead end. There wasn't much else they could say about that because neither of them knew enough about the situation. He looked down at the unconscious god with a small frown. He looked weak and frail. Nothing like how he did when they met. He subconsciously reached out for his hand, gently holding it. He didn't know why, but it made him feel a bit better. As if the god wasn't alone anymore. He wasn't, because he had Tony.

"Why was he out of his cell, anyway?" Tony finally remembered to ask. "Both him and Thor gave me conflicting answers."

"The guards were hurting him. I thought if he was in his room then it would be easier to monitor," Frigga replied quietly, clearly fairly ashamed that she never noticed.

"But it wasn't." Tony frowned.

"No. No matter what he did, no one deserves to be harmed by those that are meant to protect them. He was being harmed for reasons beyond his control."

'For reasons beyond his control'? Frigga didn't know that Loki was controlled, so Tony didn't get what she meant. What reasons were good enough to justify hurting Loki that was out of his control? He couldn't think of anything. He tried to think of something that anyone had said that would make sense, but he couldn't think of anything. Loki's actions were seemingly in his control, so what was Frigga hiding?

"So what can we do to stop them?" Tony eventually asked.

"I have a meeting with Odin shortly to discuss our options. No matter what happens, I won't allow him to get hurt again," Frigga replied softly.

"Neither will I."

\------------------------------------

En. Why was En there? He was on Asgard. With Tony. Tony? Where was he? He went to sit up but found that he couldn't. That wasn't good. That was never good. He bit his tongue, trying his best not to show panic. En was there anyway, so he couldn't be in danger. He looked at the Elder, seeing he looked apologetic. Why did he look apologetic? Unless... No. He couldn't be. He couldn't be back there.

"Well, well, well. Look who finally decided to wake up," The god heard a voice coming from the left. A voice he hated. One he never wanted to hear again.

He turned his head to look, hating himself for doing so. Why did he move to look? He didn't want to. It was as if he couldn't control his own body. He saw the titan, standing tall and proud, a smirk on his face. No. No, no, no. He couldn't be back there. He tried moving, he tried doing anything, but he was stuck. He couldn't move. He was trapped in his own body.

"What should we do with the Elder?" He saw a man step forward, one that looked impossibly old and grey. Like nothing he'd ever seen before.

"The Elder has a name," En replied, his voice full of anger.

Loki couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't do anything. He was watching the events unfold. It all felt familiar. He couldn't place any of it, though. He noticed that they were on a planet. Had to be a planet. He was on the floor and he could see stars above him. Stars. Lots of stars. The floor felt hard, almost sandy. This was definitely a planet. He didn't know which though. It wasn't a realm or a planet he'd been on before. He could feel his side, but it was weak. It was just out of his reach. He looked back at the two aliens, trying to figure out what was going to happen next.

"The Elder has something I require," the purple man said, watching En as if he'd forgotten about the god on the floor.

"That's something you're not going to get," En replied. En was talking odd, Loki realised. He wasn't having fun with it. He was being serious. That scared him.

"Then let's play a game.” The purple man grinned.

Whoever he was, he knew about En. He knew who the Elder was. That was dangerous. Plus the fact that En was being serious and cautious. Why couldn't Loki move? He wanted to get to En. He wanted to be useful in the situation. He wanted to know what was going on. What were they bargaining over? Why was the wrinkly man watching him with a smile?

"What game?" En asked after a little while.

The purple man brought out a deck of cards and put them on a smoothed down piece of rock, one that was clearly used as a table. The cards came out of the packet and split themselves into two groups without anyone touching them. En didn't look like he was doing it. Someone had telekinesis. That was something Loki could tell. There were only two others in the room, the purple man and the wrinkly man, and the wrinkly man had his attention on the cards, so it had to be him. He could deal with that.

"First to get rid of their deck wins. You can only put the number below, above or the same number on top. Lying is allowed, though if I say you're lying and you are, you take the entire pile. If you're not lying, I take the pile." The purple man smiled.

"If I win, I'll keep the stone and take Loki," En said, still not looking at the god.

"If I win, I'll take the stone and keep the god," the purple man replied.

En could read thoughts. He'd be fine, Loki told himself. He didn't appreciate the fact that he was spoken about like an object, but it would work out. It had to. They kept mentioning a stone. Infinity stone? Why else would it be valuable? Did En have one? Oh, that lying little shit. Loki tried to move but still found himself bound. By what, he couldn't see. He just hoped that En won.

"Deal," En replied and walked to the table.

Talking was kept to a minimum. There was the occasional mutter of 'lie', but other than that, the place was quiet. Halfway through and En was winning. The purple man had over half the deck, En only had a quarter. Loki felt relieved. He was going to be fine. En was going to win. But the purple man looked calm. Too calm. Just as En was about to put the last card down, the purple man called a lie. En's face hardened as he took the pile, leaving the other player with less than half, nearing a quarter. Loki's heart stopped. He hoped that En could pull it back. Why wouldn't he be able to? He had the upper hand! Unless... they were both cheating. It was as if it happened in slow motion. The purple man put his last card down, sealing Loki's fate. En's face hardened as he stood up.

"Pay up, Elder," the purple man said with a smirk.

En looked at Loki with another apologetic look before he held his hand out, the golden stone appearing in his hand. Loki could've cried, but he kept a stoic expression. He could get through whatever was going to happen. He knew he could. He wasn't going to let anything bad happen. He'd survive in one piece. Even if he had to get his hands dirty.

"You're going to end up regretting this, Thanos," En replied, his voice strained with anger.

"No, I don't think I will." the purple man, Thanos, smirked. "After all, I am inevitable."

\----------------------------------------------

Loki woke up with a fright, shooting up to sit upright, trying to catch his breath. He felt something on his hand and he flinched away from it, retracting his hand. He didn't know where he was. He was on Titan, but he'd just woken up. Was it a dream? He didn't remember that ever happening. En had nothing to do with what happened. It was different from his other dreams. He didn't know that one. It unnerved him.

"Lokes? Hey, Loki, you're okay," he heard a voice say from his side. "You're in the healers' room. You passed out, so me and Frigga brought you here."

Loki looked to his side and saw Tony. His human. Tony kept a reassuring smile on his face, but his heart shattered at how petrified the god looked. Whatever he'd dreamt about, Tony knew that it had something to do with either the guards or New York. He'd have to ask when they were alone. Loki looked at the human's hand that was right next to his own, realising that that was what he could feel when he woke up. Tony had been holding his hand? His cheeks darkened slightly as he gently took Tony's hand in his own, finding a form of comfort in the action. Tony smiled softly, glad that the god was slowly trusting him. He knew it wouldn't be easy, but things would work out. He had to remind himself that he was only there to get information, that he'd have to leave after that. As hard as that seemed, he had to do it. He couldn't stay. He could never stay. Not with Loki.

"I'll go get a healer," Frigga said as she stood up, making Loki jump. He quickly put on an emotionless facade and he nodded in reply, freaking Tony out at how fast he could switch emotions.

Frigga left the room and Tony sighed in relief.

He could get some answers.

—————————————————

“So... what’s going on?” Clint asked, looking at Tony from the other side of the table.

Tony has called a team meeting, thinking that it would be best to talk through what had happened. He didn’t know how much he was going to say, but he wanted to keep the team updated. He almost snorted at the thought. Character development, much?

“I’m getting to know Loki a bit more and spoke to Frigga,” Tony replied, making Thor look at the mechanic confusedly.

“They’re my family. What would you know that I wouldn’t?” Thor asked, seeming defensive.

“Well, for starters you haven’t seen Loki in a decade, so I think I know him a bit better at this point,” Tony snapped. “And who found out that he was controlled?”

Thor went quiet, not wanting to admit that Tony was right. The rest of the team watched, Bruce staying quiet. He knew what game Tony was playing, but not to the extent. Not the information he got. Not that he was falling for the god. No. No one would know that. 

“So what else do you know?” Natasha asked impatiently.

“He feels bad, but he said he did it to get attention. He... he keeps changing his story, one minute he was controlled next it’s family issues. He’s unstable. I... that makes me want to say that he was controlled, especially with how defensive he gets over it, but he’s been alone for a decade. That’s enough to drive a person crazy. I don’t know how stable he is and I don’t really want to test it, so... I don’t know if I’ll be able to get answers for a bit,” Tony explained, seeming lost for words.

Tony didn’t know how to go about things. He didn’t want to tell them too much. Loki trusted him. He didn’t want to blow that. He wanted to build Loki’s trust further, but... what if the god was lying? What if he was being played? But there was too much going on for it to all be lies. Loki was being tortured by guards, and the look he had when he woke up? He looked petrified. He didn’t think anyone could fake that. Especially after they spoke. Sure, they didn’t talk about much, but he’d seen emotion. He’d seen true emotion from the god. He’d calmed him down, he’d reassured him, he’d even stayed with him while the healers were patching him up. He didn’t leave until Loki said he wanted to write a letter, so he gave him some privacy. He needed to talk things through with the team anyway.

“No, I’m with you on this,” Clint replied. “Something was up. He was hurt when he arrived on Earth, he kept disappearing to talk to someone. There was definitely someone else involved, and they were definitely hurting him.”

Thor looked surprised, but most of all, he looked sad. He’d been blind to his brothers suffering, and he felt awful for it. Then he’d ignored Loki for a decade because he couldn’t face seeing him, when he was a victim the entire time? Bruce frowned and gently squeezed Thor’s hand, trying to reassure the god.

“Where do we go from here?” Steve asked, trying to figure out where everyone was going. 

Tony was about to speak when a guard walked in, seeming almost scared. Tony didn’t recognise him so he knew he was an innocent one. 

“Your majesty, the King requests your presence in the throne room immediately,” the guard spoke, keeping his head down. 

Loki. It had to be about Loki. About the meeting Frigga had with Odin. Loki would probably be there. With Thor and Odin, who he hadn’t seen for a year and was fairly scared of. Thor got up and Tony followed suit, making everyone look at him confusedly.

“Look, it’s a long story but... I need to do this to keep Loki’s trust,” Tony explained.

“What does this have to do with my brother?” Thor asked, looking between Tony and the guard.

“It’s- it’s a trial, your majesty. To discuss Prince Loki’s punishment,” the guard explained, not looking at any of them in the room. Frigga must’ve traumatised him.

Thor looked at Tony, trying to figure out how the human knew before he did. He hadn’t been told anything about Loki being in the healers, but he knew that it was important for a sudden trial to happen.

“We’ll discuss this later,” Thor told Tony before The god walked out, the mechanic following along amusedly.

This was going to be fun.


	10. 10. I’m Ready to Learn

Sunrise. Garden. Drinks. Games. Competition. Hunting. Disappointment. Weak. Runt. Abandoned. Monster. Pawn. Disposable.

Loki shook the thoughts from his head, staying calm wasn’t working. Positive thoughts. They worked in the healing room, so why not now? Perhaps it was being guided. He was alone. Well, he wasn’t alone. There were guards, but he didn’t count them. They knew how weak he was. They knew what had happened. Why wouldn’t they just take their chance? They could quite easily kill him then and there. He was tempted to do something that would make them do it, but he was waiting. He needed answers before that happened.

Frigga had tried talking to him. He didn’t say much. What could he say? That he didn’t want to be awake? That he didn’t care about his future because he didn’t want one? That he was defeated. Destroyed. Broken. There was nothing he could do to ever change that, and he’d accepted that. He’d gotten past getting better a long time ago, so why would he bother again? Well, now he had Tony. Was the human worth it? Was it worth the possible heartache? To watch the human grow old and die while he was cursed to another few thousand years? He couldn’t do that. Even if Tony wanted him, which he doubted, he couldn’t watch him die.

He thought over what happened when he woke up. Tony was there. When Frigga left, Tony helped him calm down. He told him to go to a happy place, think of happy memories. To breathe in and out with him. To name some colours he could see, some things he could hear. He hated it, it made him feel like a child, but it helped. It was oddly comforting, but he didn’t want to accept help. He would never accept help. He thought about how Tony told him some stories, one being about the time he covered Steve’s entire room in post-it notes. He hated the fact that he found that story amusing. He didn’t understand why Tony was eager to help him, but he had to admit that he appreciated it.

Throne room. He was there. Sunset. Garden. Maze. Drinks. Tony. The doors opened and he was led in, luckily his hands only cuffed, no other bonds. At least they trusted him enough, he supposed. He looked around, seeing Odin on the throne, Frigga on one side of him, Thor on the other, and Tony next to Thor. Tony was there. Why? How? He wasn’t complaining. It made the situation easier. He was just confused.

Confused. Other. Titan. Three hundred and ninety eight. Fire. So much fire. They knew. They’d seen him dead. They saw his body. They knew. Fire. Burning. Eye. Eye?

“Loki,” Odin greeted, his voice echoing in the room.

Tony knew that something was wrong. Loki was dazed. He wasn’t there. He could see him blinking rapidly, as if something was wrong with his eyes. He went to move, but as soon as Loki heard Odin, he snapped out of it. The God’s cocky facade went straight back up. The blank eyes, the shit-eating smirk, the regal posture. Tony hated it, but he couldn’t help but love it any time he saw it. He knew that Loki was going to be a little shit, and he couldn’t wait to see how it played out.

“Allfather,” Loki politely replied, stopping a few feet ahead of them, the guards an arms length away from him. “To what do I owe this honour?”

“The guards have been causing you hassle, correct?” Odin asked.

They’d had a brief conversation before Loki walked in, just to explain to Thor the situation. He wasn’t pleased about it, in fact, he looked murderous, but he kept it under control. Tony couldn’t help but think that Odin was underplaying it by phrasing it as ‘hassle’. It was torture, but Tony kept his mouth shut.

“It was nothing I couldn’t deal with,” Loki shrugged, no emotion slipping through his facade.

“So that’s why you passed out?” Odin asked amusedly.

“I took it for a decade. I’d like to see you try,” Loki snapped. “Although, I doubt you would never allow that to happen.”

There was something in Loki’s voice that unnerved Tony. Something venomous. He could feel the hatred radiating from the god. Loki was hiding something. Well, he always was, Tony didn’t think he’d ever get to know all of Loki’s secrets, but there was something big. Something he needed to say, but wasn’t going to.

“We’re trying to grant you mercy, Loki,” Odin replied, seeming oddly calm. “I suggest you play ball.”

“So now you wish to ‘play ball’ with me?” Loki asked, seeming to give in to his emotions.

Tony was worried. He’d never seen so much emotion come from the god, even if it was masked by venom. He wanted to go to him and hug him, comfort him, tell him that everything would be okay, but... he’d have to wait.

“Now is not the time for family squabble,” Odin replied sharply.

“No, because I’m not family. You’ve made that abundantly clear,” Loki snapped.

Thor made a move to go to Loki, but Tony held a hand out to stop him. Loki wasn’t in his right mind. He could hurt anyone without realising it. As much as Tony trusted Loki, he knew that the god was unstable. Like a bag full of crazy cats.

“If you wish to go back to the cells, then you’re going the right way about it,” Odin stated, making everyone look at him. Loki seemed to get control over himself and his emotionless facade went back up, making Odin smile in victory. “We’re releasing you from your punishment. You will get free access to all of Asgard, though you’re not allowed to leave the realm unsupervised. Though one mistake and you’ll be back in the cells.”

The guards took the shackles off of the trickster, making him smile slightly. His seidr was in reach. He could feel it, waiting for him to reach for it. To grab ahold of it. He looked back up at Odin, not trusting him one bit.

“Then if that’s all, I’ll be returning to my room,” Loki replied, keeping a polite smile on his face. He didn’t wait for a reply, he walked out, going back to presumably his room.

Tony was in shock. What should he do? He looked at Frigga, who looked murderous. She was glaring daggers into Odin’s side. Thor looked shocked. As if he didn’t know how to deal with the situation. He doubted anyone did. So wordlessly, he walked out, beginning to follow the trickster.

Crimson. His? No. Couldn’t be. No. No, no, no. Safe. Safety. He was in it. Yes. Couldn’t be him. No, they wouldn’t allow it. Two hundred and thirty eight. What was that? Number. Important. Him. Counting. Counting what? He looked around, seeing a dark room. Think... memories, nonexistent... fight. Proxima. Hurt. Crimson. His. Definitely his. He looked down at his chest and saw a pole. Of course. He tried taking deep breaths, trying to stay calm. Help? No. No help. Never help. No seidr. Nothing. Laughing. Other. Other... hurt. Pain. More...

“Lokes-“ a hand touched his shoulder, making him jump, and though he wouldn’t admit it, a small yelp escaped his lips.

Tony. He looked around, seeing that they were in his room. How? Tony was there. Retracting his hand. Touched. No, not good. Hurt. Only ever hurt.

“I- Uh, Sorry,” Loki apologised quietly. “I, Uh, I didn’t realise you were here.”

Tony noticed that the tricksters voice was weak. He seemed disoriented and confused. He was thinking about words. He never did that. Something was wrong. He watched Loki, seeing his eyes dart around the room, as if he was trying to remind himself that he was there. That he was safe.

“Hey, no need to be sorry. Shit happens,” Tony tried to joke. “So... your room’s nice. Nicer when we’re unsupervised. Window’s got a nice view. Gardens are nice. Frigga really loves it. I can see why. Not a garden person myself, but it’s impressive. Bookshelf is overcrowded. Nice though. Impressive.”

Tony was trying to list things in the room or things that Loki could see that would remind him of where he was. He looked lost and dazed. Tony didn’t think he was really there. Not mentally, anyway.

“Yes...” Loki replied quietly, taking deep breaths. “Yes, indeed. Much nicer with privacy.” 

Tony watched the god struggle to keep his focus. He knew that something was wrong, but what? He didn’t think that Loki would tell him. No, he was much too ‘proud’ for that. He watched the got look at the bed, almost with a curiosity. Why was Loki curious about a bed? 

“Are you tired?” The mechanic asked softly, making the god shake his head in reply. He looked at Loki, seeing just how beaten up and exhausted he looked. He had a black eye, a scrape across his cheek, even bruises on his neck. Tony didn’t want to think about that. He took a small step closer to the god, making each movement clear. “Gertrude, not to be mean, but you look exhausted. Get some sleep.”

Loki shook his head again. He wouldn’t sleep. The guards would always enjoy it when he slept, and even though he knew they were gone... he was still scared. He especially didn’t want nightmares. They were worse than anything. He couldn’t deal with the thought of Thanos.

“No. I’m alright. I’ve slept enough today,” the god lied, moving to look at Tony.

Tony noticed something. Ever since Loki woke up, he was showing emotion. Did that mean he trusted the human? Hopefully. He wanted to show that he could be trusted. That he wanted to help. He gently cupped Loki’s cheek, having to go up on his tip toes, not that he would ever admit that. He stared into the gods eyes, seeing fear and pain. Wherever Loki was in his mind... it wasn’t good. Tony used to wonder how Pepper could always find out when he was drifting back, but now he knew. He used to hate it, but it was always comforting that someone cared.

“I’ll stay with you the entire time,” Tony replied softly. “I’ll stay away, if you want, but you won’t be alone.”

Loki almost cried at those words. He won’t be alone. He’d always been alone, ever since he was born. In some way, he was always alone. Now... now he had Tony, who seemed to care. Who seemed to want to help. Did he want the help? No. Did he appreciate it? Yes. He finally looked away from the mechanics eyes and nodded slowly.

“Thank you,” he managed to say, although it was quiet. He didn’t want to admit that he needed help. He didn’t want to admit that it was easier to sleep with someone around. He didn’t want to admit any of that, but here he was...

Tony smiled in relief and gently pulled away, moving to the bed. Loki watched, as if he was trying to figure out whether or not it was okay. As if he didn’t know whether or not it was a trick. Tony had to admit, that surprised him. The once proud god stood there, trying to see if he’d get hurt by just getting into a bed. His heart broke just watching Loki. He held his hand out, silently inviting him over, to which Loki took a few steps forward and gently took his hand. Tony was surprised at just how cold the god was. Was he meant to be that cold? Maybe some sleep would fix it. Hopefully, anyway. He gently guided the god into the bed, trying to be as gentle as possible. He didn’t want to scare him. That was the opposite of what he wanted to do. 

“How do you make everything look so... elegant and nice?” Tony eventually asked, making the god laugh softly. 

Tony couldn’t help but smile at that. He hadn’t heard the god laugh before. Not properly, anyway. It sounded nice. A sound he wanted to get used to but knew he probably never would. 

“Years of practice,” Loki replied amusedly, watching the human who was on the other side of the bed. They were still holding hands, but it wasn’t really enough. 

“What? Just sitting down over and over again until you make it look regal?” Tony questioned, an amused smile playing at his lips. 

“Yes, even competed and all,” Loki joked as he rolled his eyes fondly. “No, I assume I get it from Frigga.”

That was the first time Tony had heard Loki talk about a family member without seeming hostile about it. Then again, he knew that he was close to his mother. Part of him wished he could’ve had that. That he could’ve had a way to have at least one family member he could talk to. That he could’ve had someone to care about him. Well, he had Jarvis and Peggy, and they were like family to him. That didn’t distract from the fact that he’d never be enough for his parents, though.

“Frigga seems nice,” Tony said after a while.

“She is.” Loki nodded softly and closed his eyes. “She’s one of the kindest people I know. She fights for what’s right and she won’t back down. I only ever wanted to make her proud.”

Tony knew how that felt. To try to make someone proud only for it to backfire. He graduated from MIT within a year, coming out of the education system at age eighteen, but Howard reprimanded him for ‘having time to bum around the house’. He wasn’t proud. He was angry that his son was now home. It still hurt, but Tony pushed those feelings away.

“Loki... you’ve got so much time. Even if she isn’t proud, you can make her be. You can do so much to show her, to show everyone who doubts you, what an amazing person you are,” Tony replied softly. “You’ve still got time. Use it wisely, or you’ll end up regretting it.”

Loki was half asleep, Tony could see. He was struggling to stay awake. It was quite a sight, really. One that Tony wanted to keep forever. The god was curled up, his eyes closed, his hair falling neatly behind his ears. Tony found the god adorable. He moved closer to Loki, still holding his hand. In return, Loki shuffled closer, wrapping an arm over Tony’s waist. The mechanic didn’t expect that. He wasn’t expecting Loki to actually cuddle. He wasn’t in any means complaining though. He wrapped his arms around the god, resting his chin on the god’s head. 

“You don’t talk about your family,” Loki mentioned quietly, nuzzling into Tony. He couldn’t help but feel safe in the human’s embrace.

“No, I don’t have one,” Tony replied. “Died about thirty years ago. They hated me anyway.”

Tony would never let it show just how bad his parents death affected him. They hated him, so why should he care? Besides, he was a Stark. He didn’t mourn. He moved on.

“Doesn’t matter how they felt about you. It still hurts,” Loki hummed quietly. “Don’t need a mask, Tony. Not around me, anyway. I’m not exactly one to judge,” he chuckled softly, holding the human even closer.

“You can’t exactly talk about families. Yours seem nice,” Tony replied, avoiding the last part. 

“Frigga’s nice. She’s like a mother to me. Odin... there’s a reason the guards were able to get away with their actions undetected for so long. Thor’s nice. Despite what he did... he’ll always be my brother,” Loki explained tiredly. Tony made a mental note, Loki’s more open when he’s tired. “My birth parents... my father was a monster, though I don’t use that word lightly. I’m unsure who my mother is,” he added.

Tony didn’t miss it. ‘There’s a reason the guards were able to get away with their actions undetected for so long.’ Odin knew? Odin was letting them? Odin was covering for them? That made Tony sick. He thought Odin was respectable, but now he knew the truth.

“So Odin knew? That’s why it kept happening?” Tony asked in disgust.

“He wanted for it to happen, now stop changing the subject,” Loki replied softly. “You truly are a remarkable person, Tony. Unlike anyone I’ve met before. There’s no need for a mask around me. I want to see the real Tony Stark. Fair’s fair.”

Tony thought for a bit. Maybe Loki was right? Maybe it was time he trusted Loki? After all, if this was the real Loki... he couldn’t be happier. He watched the god with a grin. He couldn’t believe how amazing it was. He’d seen the person Loki was, not the person Loki wanted everyone to see. He had finally shown that he was trustworthy. Maybe it was his turn to learn to trust? He was about to reply when he saw that the god was fast asleep, still clutching onto Tony. The human smiled happily and held Loki close, never wanting to let go.

———————————————

Tony wasn’t sure how long it had been, but he didn’t mind. He was more than happy to cuddle. Not that he would ever admit to that. He knew that it was wrong. That he’d fallen for Loki, but then again, what was wrong about it? Sure, Loki had tried to take over earth and he did kill over a hundred people, but that wasn’t him. He knew that now.

He held Loki close, a smile on his face. He doubted he would ever get used to the feeling. Something about it felt right. It felt perfect, even. He was about to fall asleep when a light caught his eye. That couldn’t be good, he thought. He gently untangled himself from the sleeping god and sat up, seeing a letter appear on the desk. He knew to leave it, but... what harm could it do? He got up and quietly walked over to the desk, seeing the paper in perfect condition. Bright blue ink was covering the letter, luckily in English. What were the odds? 

‘My dearest Loki,  
I’m glad Frigga knows. She’ll deal with it perfectly. Can’t wait to see the blood staining the walls. I wish I could be there to help, though I fear my presence would make things worse. Perhaps I’ll have to visit soon. It’s been far too long. Besides, it may be time for Asgard and Sakaar to discuss the treaty. It has been a century, after all. I know I don’t need an excuse, but I like riling Odin up. I think we could have some fun with it.  
Anthony? Now I definitely need to visit. I trust your judgement, but I want to see if he’s worthy. You’re one of a kind, Lokes. Can’t be giving yourself away to everyone, now, can you? No. If he’s as good as you say, I’m happy for you. You deserve to be happy.  
I was hoping you wouldn’t remember. I’m unsure why you didn’t, but with the mind stone, I feared that that may have had something to do with it. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to scare you. I didn’t want to risk losing you. I didn’t think he would’ve won. We both cheated, and I lost more than I gave. Thanos knew what he was doing. Once he found you, he called me to bring you back. I didn’t even know that you had died. I did everything I could to get you back, but I had to play my cards right. After a month, he’d moved. I couldn’t find you. I really am sorry. I wish I could’ve gotten you back. I wish I could’ve saved you. Once I’m there, we’ll talk about it a bit more.  
I miss you.  
Yours delightfully,  
En.’

Tony bit his lip, trying to figure out what was happening. He didn’t know what to think. ‘My dearest Loki’. No. Loki was his. Not this random guy’s. And ‘can’t be giving yourself away to everyone’? Tony felt anger rise. Who was this person to insinuate that Loki’s a slut? Well, he didn’t know Loki’s sexual history that well, but he didn’t agree with slut-shaming. No. That was awful. But he seemed supportive, even if he did say that. Dead. Loki died. When? Year before the attack on New York. He remembered Thor saying that he thought that Loki was dead. Thanos. Name. Was that the guy? The guy in control of the entire thing? And who was En?

Tony had to do some digging.


	11. 11. Heaven Ain’t Close In a Place Like This

Tony was relaxing. He had his soulmate in his arms and a very good plaiting technique. Something he’d learnt from Peggy, funnily enough. He smiled softly as he plaited Loki’s hair, hoping he wouldn’t mind when he woke up. Maybe they could go to the gardens. Spend some more time together. That just sounded nice.

He was broken out of his thoughts by Loki’s temperature dropping. He was cold anyway, but now he was freezing. He saw that the god was still asleep. That can’t have been good. He gently shook his shoulder but had no response.

“Lokes?” Tony asked softly, still trying to shake the god awake. “Loki, babe?” Loki woke up with a yelp, scrambling away from Tony, but he ended up getting tangled in the sheets. He didn’t stop trying to get away, only for it to end with him falling to the floor. Tony shot up and ran to the God’s side, but was careful not to touch him. “Deep breaths, remember? Follow my breathing. You’re on Asgard, in your room. Guards are locked up. It’s just me and you. You’re completely safe.”

Loki looked around before he looked at Tony and nodded, following his breaths. He hated doing that in front of Tony, but at least the human didn’t seem to mind. He knew he couldn’t keep doing it, though. He was causing too much trouble. He was a burden. Tony deserved better.

“Thank you,” Loki replied quietly, keeping his gaze on the floor.

Tony gently held his hand, making the god look at him in surprise. Why would Tony do that? Why wasn’t he annoyed? Why didn’t he want to hurt him?

“With me, you’ll always be safe. I promise.” Tony smiled softly and gently kissed the god’s hand. Loki couldn't believe it. Tony was being nice. Really nice, not just fake nice. That was weird. He wasn't used to that. How could he be used to it? The one person that was nice to him was En, and even then, it was nothing like what he had with Tony. He felt safe with Tony. He still didn't know how to feel about the elder. Not after the dream, anyway. He saw the letter on the desk and he frowned slightly, Tony noticing. "It arrived when you were asleep."

"It's from a friend. I wasn't expecting a reply so soon," Loki replied quietly, feeling his nerves rise as he thought about what could be in it.

He thought over his dream. He couldn't stop thinking about how different everything could've been. He couldn't remember much, but he remembered enough. He was remembering more and more, which he was grateful for, but at the same time, he didn't want to know. He wanted to forget the entire situation. He wondered what would've happened if he'd stayed. Well, he didn't really want to picture it. Would they have kept him under the mind stone's influence forever? No. That would've been too easy. They would've used it to keep him in line. He couldn't help but wonder what happened to the others. He wondered if they'd realised what was going on.

"Who's your friend?" Tony asked curiously. He'd already read the letter and he was concerned about who this 'En' guy was. Not that he was jealous or anything.

"En," Loki replied softly. "I met him centuries ago. I was visiting realms and fell out of the Bifrost. I landed on Sakaar, where he... generously took me in."

Tony watched Loki suspiciously. Something was wrong. He seemed hesitant. Too hesitant to be sure of his own words. Tony thought that maybe he was being irrational by being jealous, but what if he wasn't? This En guy definitely sounded dodgy, and the mechanic definitely didn't approve. No. Even if Loki didn't have any other friends, it was better to be alone than to have toxic people around.

"You don't say that with much conviction," Tony teased, watching the god curiously.

"Sakaar is different, to say the least," Loki replied with a small smile.

"You called it home," Tony recalled, it being Loki's turn to look at the other curiously. "On the balcony. I asked you what planets you visited and which one was your favourite, and you said that Sakaar was like home."

Loki thought for a moment. Sakaar was like home to him. He was actually liked there. Well, maybe more tolerated, in his eyes. He didn't have to fear for his life. He didn't have to worry that people would hate him because they embraced difference. Plus, they knew how to have a good time, and that wasn't all that common on Asgard. Which was a shame, but he'd managed to convince a few others of the Sakaarian ways. Ever since then, they'd had some pretty good parties.

"Yes. It's the only place I've truly felt welcomed," Loki smiled at the memories of the planet. He couldn't wait to go back. "When I landed, I was shown mercy. I wasn't used for games- well, I was, but not the contest. I was shown mercy, and eventually it led to something more."

That sounded romantic. Tony didn't like Sakaar. He wanted to fight this En person, but he couldn't admit to that. Wait, why was he jealous? They were soulmates. Chances are nothing would happen. Wait, what would happen when Tony died? What would happen to the soulmates thing? How would that impact their relationship, should they have one? Would Loki want someone better? Someone less human? No. Tony wasn't good enough. Not for anyone. Not for the team, not for his friends, not for his family, and certainly not a god.

"That's cute. Maybe soon you could live there," Tony replied quietly.

"As much as I would love to... It would be impractical. Especially once Thor becomes king. Chances are I would become his adviser, and I'd be stuck here babysitting him. Besides, I still-" Loki stopped himself quickly, realising what he was about to say. "No, I still have to consider my duties. As easy as it would be to escape to Sakaar, it would be impractical. Though perhaps one day we could go there together."

Tony looked at the god. He would take him to Sakaar? Somewhere that clearly means so much to him? He didn't expect that. He was expecting to be cast aside, forgotten about after about a week. Now Loki was trusting him to go to his safe place? He didn't know how he could be so lucky. He really had found the perfect partner.

"Yeah, that would be nice," Tony replied happily. "So... what's it like? Who's this En guy? And what game did you play?"

Loki thought for a bit. Did he really need to go in-depth? Probably not. Was he going to? Yes. If Tony was going to go there, he needed to know what to expect. Tony was worried. The god going quiet was unnerving. What if Loki was more... sadistic than he expected? That Sakaar was full of violence and torture, and that was why he hesitated to talk about it? After all, En had threatened to kill the guards in the letter.

"I hadn't heard of Sakaar before I landed there," Loki started to explain. "I landed on a pile of rubbish. I thought I was alone, though I was found by a scrapper. I complied with everything they said, so they led me to this building. It was tall. Think of it as Stark Towers, but colourful. There I met this man called the Grandmaster. He said I had a choice. Go into the competition or go with a more exclusive game. The competition was a battle to the death in front of thousands, so I didn't go with that. Of course, at first I was complying as I didn't want to die, though soon I got to know the man and started to enjoy the games we played. There are Elders of the Universe, they've been around since the big bang and they're powerful. They have a specific thing that keeps them alive. The Collecter collects things and the Grandmaster plays games. That's En. Once you get past the games and the partying, he's an interesting man."

That only raised more questions. Aliens, he was used to. Sakaar just sounded odd. He didn't like it. He didn't want to like it, either. He didn't like that En guy, and he was sure that maybe he was a nice guy, but no. Loki was his. Besides, he was concerned that the 'games' were sexual. The fact that Loki refused to go into detail about it unnerved him. Why would he try to hide it if it was innocent?

"Grandmaster? Kinky," Tony joked.

"Yes, very much so," Loki chuckled as he looked to the floor. Tony's eyes widened. He was right. Of course. He didn't want to be right, but when was he wrong? "Though those days are behind us. Now he's a good friend."

Loki wasn't going to say that they still occasionally slept with each other because he could see that Tony didn't like the information he'd given. Besides, if things became serious between himself and Tony, he wouldn't sleep with En. It wasn't relevant information. Tony really would've hated to know that. He didn't think he'd live up to anything Loki had experienced, sex-wise. Or when it came to anything, really. He was human. Weak. Unworthy. No, he didn't deserve Loki.

"Gross," Tony muttered quietly.

"So you're not kinky? I'll have to remember that," Loki replied amusedly.

"No, as long as it's consensual and legal I'm chill when it comes to kinks," Tony started. "What's gross is thinking about others touching you in that way."

Loki could've sworn he heard the human mutter 'mine', which only made him smirk. Was it really that easy to make the human jealous? Oh, he could have fun with that. He'd learnt what worked with others, but with Tony, he was unsure. He watched over the human, trying to figure it out quickly. What was most prominent is how much of a control freak the human was. He knew he could have fun with that.

"Well you needn’t worry about that, my love, as I am yours and only yours," Loki said quietly, though his confidence was radiant as he watched the human with a smirk.

Tony looked at the god and felt his heart quicken. Was he really playing that game? Well, two could play it that game. Tony knew what worked for himself, and just how to rile others up. He moved to his knees so that he was taller and gently tilted the god's chin up to look him in the eyes, keeping his fingers there. He didn't think he would ever get tired of looking into the god's eyes. He may just be convinced that green was now the best colour to ever exist.

"I would hope that that's a given," Tony replied softly, his face merely an inch away from the god's. "You're mine, and mine alone. So be good and keep your eyes for me. Is that understood, princess?" Loki watched the human with wide eyes, his cheeks now a bright red. Tony couldn't help but laugh as he saw the trickster's reaction. So that worked. Loki slowly nodded, not trusting his voice. "Good. Now I've got to go check on the team. Can I trust you to behave while I'm gone, Kitten?"

"Yes," Loki replied quietly, still watching Tony with wide eyes. He really thought he had the upper hand, that he could get Tony flustered. Oh, how he was wrong.

"Good," Tony grinned, making the god smile. The mechanic gently pressed a kiss to the god's lips, which he wasn't planning to do, but it just felt right. Loki gently wrapped his arms around his soulmate, holding him closer. Tony smiled softly as he pulled away, looking at the god. "I'll see you in a couple of hours. Make sure you eat and drink, okay?"

"The same goes to you," Loki replied with a smile.

Tony gently kissed the top of his head before he walked out of the room, leaving the god astounded in the middle of the room. Tony was in shock. Why did he do that? How did it work? He really wasn't expecting it to work. He was proud. He did that. He seduced a god. At least he could check that off of his bucket list. He smiled as he walked to the golden room. Even though every room was gold, he still knew that as the main golden room.

"Tony! Glad you could make it!" Clint smiled, finally looking up from the apple he was eating. "Where were you?"

Tony thought back to his time with Loki and smirked. Natasha's eyes widened, and it seemed that she was the only one who got what had happened. Well, she probably thought that they went further than they did, assuming Thor told them that he was really with Loki. Only Bruce knew that they were soulmates, and Tony wasn't in a rush to let anyone else know.

"With Loki," Tonu shrugged as he sat down on one of the free chairs.

"So that's how you're getting your information?" Natasha asked. "You're sleeping with him?"

Everyone looked at Tony in shock, apart from Bruce, who just looked amused. Was it worth them knowing? Well... how bad could it be? Very bad. It could go so bad. Maybe he wouldn't tell them that they're soulmates. That wasn't to say he couldn't admit to other things. They were wondering how he was getting his information, after all. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to just... manipulate the truth. God, he was spending way too much time with Loki.

"Well, I've got to repay him for the info, haven't I?" Tony asked amusedly. "Speaking of, he got a letter, I secretly read it."

"What did it say?" Steve asked straight away, wanting to get straight to the point.

"Are we not going to discuss you laying with my brother?" Thor asked.

Thor didn’t like people using his brother that way. He’d seen how others would use the trickster. He was quite the charmer, after all. Thor realised that he was grown enough to make his own decision, but he was naive. He was impressionable. Thor didn’t like others taking advantage of his brother.

"Thor, this isn't the time,” Bruce replied softly.

"So what did you find?" Clint repeated Steve’s question.

"A letter from this guy called En,” Tony replied

"What does that... that psycho want with my brother this time?" Thor asked.

It was comforting to know that he wasn’t the only one who didn’t like En. Sure, he disliked him for a reason different to Thor’s, but the sentiment still stood.

"When Loki woke up, he was in a panic. He'd dreamt something, but he wouldn't tell me what it was. When I left he was writing a letter. I found a letter today, saying that he was worried that Loki's memory was affected by the mind stone. That he had a bet with someone and he lost, and from what I can tell, he lost Loki. He said that he didn't know that Loki had died but was called to bring him back. That he tried finding Loki after that but had lost him. He mentioned someone named Thanos,” Tony explained as best he could. 

"So this Thanos person is involved?" Steve asked.

"The two aliens at the ball kept mentioning someone they called Father, so that could be who Thanos is,” Tony replied.

"That En is nothing but trouble,” Thor growled angrily.

"He's coming soon. Wants to see Loki so he's arranging a meeting,” Tony stated.

Thor looked murderous. Well, at least if he wanted to kill the elder, Tony knew he’d have someone to help. He didn’t know why Thor hated the gamer so much, but he quite liked it.

"That bastard,” Thor snarled.

"Who is he and why don't you like him?" Clint asked curiously.

"Loki had been missing a while, so I went to find him. Found him on a planet called Sakaar. I landed on a pile of rubbish, and I was electrocuted until I was knocked unconscious. Then I woke up in a chair and I saw Loki, who wasn't tied to a chair, and we had a brief conversation. He seemed happy. Though then I met En. He sent me to the contest. I had to fight many. I even killed people. Though then he let me go. I assume Loki had something to do with that. I tried to leave with Loki, though my brother insisted on staying. Then I realised that En was taking advantage of him. That the pervert was using my brother for sex. Defiling him! Though Loki insisted that he was happy there,” Thor ranted.

That hit Tony like a ton of bricks. He’d heard Loki’s side of the story, how it was all consensual, but he didn’t think that Thor saw it that way. Loki was desperate for love. It would make sense that he would throw himself at anyone who gave him attention.

“Wow. Seems like an interesting guy,” Clint replied, his brows furrowed in confusion.

"Maybe so, but we could get information out of him,” Tony suggested.

"We could, but he's a telepath,” Thor huffed in reply.

"Well... we think of something else when we're talking,” Clint replied.

Everyone looked at Clint before they looked back between each other, trying to figure out a plan. Tony tried thinking about the letter before he figured out what could work.

“En made it clear that he cares about Loki, and he knows about me. I could ask En. He might tell me,” Tony suggested.

“If he’s a telepath he’d know you’re using Loki for information,” Bruce replied.

Shit. He hadn’t thought of that. Of course En would know. He couldn’t meet the elder. No. Not with the chance of Loki finding out that he was giving away all of the information he was giving. He was using Loki, and he felt awful.

“Then I’ll keep nagging Loki. We’ve made progress, so I know he’ll open up to me soon.” Tony frowned, running a hand through his hair.

“It’ll work out. Anyway, you’ve got a lot more information out of him than any of us would’ve been able to.” Steve smiled softly.

Tony felt awful. He really liked Loki. He didn’t want to blow it, but he couldn’t stop passing the information along. It was important. The world depended on it. He just couldn’t let Loki find out. He was scared that that would break the poor god.

“Well, we’ll continue this conversation another day. For now, we’re required in the dining room,” Thor said as he got up.

“Wait, is Loki allowed to come? Considering he’s allowed out now.” Tony was beyond hopeful. Some actual social interaction for Loki? That would help the god massively.

“I don’t see why not,” Thor replied with a smile. They could see Clint go to protest, but Natasha got him gently in the side.

“The more he trusts us, the more information we’ll get,” Tony clarified. “I’ll go get him now.”

“I’ll go inform my parents that he’s joining us,” Thor replied as he walked out, Bruce following happily.

Tony looked at the remaining avengers, seeing them look at him suspiciously. They were on to him. That wasn’t good. They’d kill him. He was as good as dead. 

Without a word, he walked out of the room. He didn’t know what to say and he wanted to avoid any conflict. He just had to convince Loki to go to the meal. That could be hard, he figured, but he was hopeful. He just had to word everything right. He stopped outside Loki’s room and gently knocked on the door, hearing a soft ‘come in’ from the other side. He saw Loki sat at the desk, reading a book. The letter was nowhere in sight, so Tony assumed he’d replied. He walked over to the god, who simply looked up at him with a smile.

“You’re free. You could be anywhere right now, so why are you in your room?” Tony asked as he gently combed his fingers through Loki’s hair.

Loki hadn’t done much since Tony left. He had a drink, he showered, he replied to En, and then he read. He wanted to take it easy, still in pain as his body healed. 

“It’s comforting.” Loki shrugged softly, closing his eyes. He loved it when Tony played with his hair.

“Okay. Well how about you come with me? Get some different scenery?” Tony suggested.

Out of his room. People could see him outside of his room. They all glared and sneered. Parents hid their children. The guards were all ready to attack. The warriors taunted mercilessly. He was a target outside. In his room, he was safe. But did he want to disappoint Tony?

“Where?” Loki asked quietly, trying to remain calm.

“Well... I was hoping you could join me for dinner,” Tony replied softly.

Loki hesitated slightly. There had to be a catch. Tony hesitated. He was hiding something. He tried to stay calm, allowing the human to carry on.

“Who else will be there?” The god questioned.

“Well... the rest of the team, plus Odin and Frigga,” Tony answered softly. “I’m just thinking that some social interaction would be good for you. It’ll get you back into the swing of life.”

He couldn’t. They hated him. They all hated him. He opened his eyes and tilted his head back so he could look at Tony.

“I don’t think I can. It would be too dangerous.” Loki frowned sadly.

“I’ll be there to protect you, don’t worry. Plus, there are others who can jump in if needed,” Tony replied softly. “I won’t let anything happen to you, kitten, I promise.”

Loki thought over it. Tony wanted him there. He was actively trying to get him to go. Could he risk upsetting Tony by disregarding his feelings? His needs? No. He had to do it. For Tony.

“When do we leave?”


	12. 12. There’s Magic Everywhere You Go

Loki had regrets. He really didn’t want to go for dinner with the Avengers, Odin and Frigga. Well, Frigga and Tony, perhaps he would. The rest of them? No. He wanted nothing more than to hide in his room for the rest of his days, which he doubted and hoped weren’t many. Then again, Tony looked so happy when he said he’d go. How could he turn back now? He saw his human smile so brightly. He knew he had to do it. For Tony.

“Damn, I should come here more often.” Tony smirked as he watched the god undress. He saw the green glow cover Loki’s body, so he knew that there was an illusion up, but he didn’t want to question why. If Loki wanted him to know, he’d say.

Loki snorted amusedly and shook his head. He’d put the illusions so that Tony couldn’t see his real body. He wasn’t as good as he was a century ago. Sure, he’d been working out, but his eating was restricted and he had too many injuries to still look how he wanted to. Tony guessed that it was to hide injuries, seeing that the bruises that were previously visible were gone. The healers told him that the god was malnourished too, so he guessed that that was another reason. He didn’t complain though. He knew that Loki would show himself soon enough. He just had to wait and be supportive.

“Perhaps if we skip the dinner I could give you a bit more of a show,” Loki teased as he pulled the leather trousers on.

Tony couldn’t help but laugh at Loki’s words, knowing that he would happily do that other than go to the dinner. Tony knew that the god really didn’t want to go, but he appreciated the fact that he was trying.

“Maybe later, kitten,” Tony replied softly. The human got up from the bed and walked behind the god. He wrapped his arms around his waist, having to go on his tip toes to be tall enough to reach the god’s neck. “But maybe later I can see the real you.”

Loki hesitated slightly. The real him was a monster. He couldn’t deal with seeing himself. Not with his heritage. He hadn’t seen his real self since he left Thanos, and he didn’t want to see himself again. He knew that Tony meant his Aesir self, which he was still up in minds about. He didn’t want Tony to see how weak he was. He wanted to be strong. He didn’t want Tony to see how vulnerable he was.

“Perhaps,” Loki agreed, feeling unnerved by the thought. He looked at Tony and chuckled softly. “You’re tiny.”

Tony gasped in feign hurt, but didn’t let go of the god. He loved seeing the teasing gleam in the gods eyes. He’d never seen it before, but he could see that the trickster was in his element when he was being mischievous. It made him so happy to see the god like that.

“I’m not tiny! You’re abnormally tall!” Tony defended himself, holding the god closer.

“No, I’m short,” Loki replied amusedly.

“You’re stupidly tall! In what world are you short?!” Tony’s voice was higher by at least an octave, not that he would ever admit to that.

“By Aesir standards, I’m short.” Loki chuckled softly.

“Yeah, and by human standards I’m tall!” Tony exclaimed, holding onto the god tightly.

“My love, you’re perfect the way you are, and I truly wouldn’t have you any other way.” Loki smiled softly, seeming completely genuine with what he said.

Tony smiled softly and gently kissed the tricksters cheek, both of them more than content with what was said. Tony had never felt anything like it. He felt so genuinely loved, and he smiled as adoring the feeling.

“Same goes for you, kitten.” Tony grinned. “Now stop distracting me and finish getting ready.”

Tony moved away from the god, despite the two of them wanting nothing more than to stay like that for the rest of the night. He sat back down on the bed and watched Loki, a small smile on his face as he did. He’d found his soulmate, and despite his initial worry, he couldn’t be happier. Sure, there were going to be a lot of worries, but in that moment... he was happy. He was beginning to see Loki for how he really was, and he couldn’t help but fall in love with the god he was seeing. He knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, that there were moments that would be hard, but maybe they’d be worth it. Loki was worth it.

He watched as the got put a shirt on, but the mechanic didn’t miss the small wince that graced the gods face when he moved his arms. He frowned slightly and got up, wanting to help. He hated seeing the god in pain. He found that amusing. A week ago he would’ve said he wanted to see the trickster suffer, to see him pay for what he did, but knowing that he had was painful. He realised that he’d never meant it, and no matter what Loki did, he didn’t deserve that pain.

He went to grab the coat Loki had set out on the chair and held it out for him, making it as easy as possible for him to get into it without moving much, hopefully making it less painful. Loki smiled sadly as he got into it. Though he appreciated the help, he wanted to do it on his own. He didn’t want to accept the help.

“My love, I’m perfectly capable of getting dressed myself,” Loki said with a small smile as he turned to face the human, making sure he didn’t look in the mirror.

“I know, but I want to help. So let me help.” Tony smiled softly as he gently held the gods hands, looking into his eyes. “How bad are you hurt?”

Worry was clear in Tony’s eyes. Loki felt bad, but he couldn’t quite place why. Was it because he was worrying Tony? Probably. He wasn’t used to people caring, so when people felt worried about him... he didn’t know how to react.

“Not badly,” Loki replied softly. “I’m still working on healing my ribs, though my seidr is still trying to get used to being used again.”

Tony gave the god a disapproving look. No. He noticed the god playing down his injuries. Sure, he didn’t know the extent of how bad the god was hurt, but he knew well enough that it was bad. Especially since he hadn’t healed himself completely yet. That was unnerving.

“Kitten, you don’t have to play down your injuries to me. I just want to know so I can help.” Tony frowned. “I wish I could take the pain away.”

“I’m fine, my love. You needn’t worry for me. I’ve lived through far worse than this. I’ll survive,” Loki replied with a small smile. “After all, now I have you.”

Tony smiled at the gods words. Sure, he was worried about what the god said, but he chose to focus on his last few words. He leaned up and gently kissed the god, who simply melted into the kiss. After a few seconds, the human gently pulled away and let go of one of the gods hands.

“Right, time to go,” Tony said with a smile, making Loki pout. “Nope. We’ve wasted enough time. I’ll make it up to you later, I promise.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Loki grumbled, clearly unhappy about moving.

Tony just laughed and led the god out of the room, towards the dining room. They passed a few workers and guards, which Tony was apprehensive about. He knew that the guards who hurt Loki were in cells, but what if a few got away? He looked at the god, who just kept a mischievous facade up. He felt his heart drop, but he knew that Loki was doing what he had to do. He looked at the guards, who avoided looking at the god, and the workers who looked at their entwined hands. Oh. Was that good? What if people found out? Well, some people had already found out, but what if the word spread?

As they got closer to the dining room, Tony gently let go of the tricksters hand, making Loki look at the human confusedly. Tony felt bad, but he didn’t think that it was the best time for everyone to find out about them.

“We’re getting close, and I don’t think it’s the best time for us to come out. I think we should give it a few more days for everything to settle,” Tony explained, making the god nod.

Loki looked away and carried on walking, the human having to speed up to catch up to the trickster. Loki wanted to believe what Tony said, but what if he was just ashamed? Ashamed of their relationship? After all, who would want to be seen with Loki? Especially romantically. He didn’t look at the human as they walked into the dining room, Loki keeping the proud and regal facade up, a smirk appearing on his face. He saw the avengers. His brother. His parents. He couldn’t tell how he felt, there were so many emotions. Fear, that’s something he could immediately pick out, maybe even guilt. There were so many, more than he’d felt in a while. He knew that it was a bad idea. He followed Tony over to the table, taking a seat next to Frigga, Tony settling next to him. Maybe he was safe there.

The table went quieter as Loki appeared. The conversation between Steve and Odin slowed slightly, the two of them watching for any hostile moves from the trickster. Steve didn’t mean to go quieter, but he was worried. What if something happened? He couldn’t risk anyone getting hurt. Not again. Loki noticed the silence but didn’t say anything. His smirk grew as he looked between Steve and Odin, noticing Steve’s hesitation and Odin’s tension.

“Do carry on,” Loki said, smirking amusedly. “Don’t let my presence stop you.”

Tony was starting to regret dragging Loki to the dinner. He could feel the tension, mainly from Odin, but it was prickling off of Loki too. He could see that the Avengers were wary, despite what they knew they still didn’t trust the trickster. Tony couldn’t blame them, but he still wanted everything to be better. Steve and Odin carried on talking, discussing their plans to heighten Earth’s security. It was something they’d talked about a few times before, just to figure out how they could protect the world from what could possibly come. Well, they knew what was coming, but Tony hoped no one mentioned it. He couldn’t have Loki knowing that he’d been passing information on.

“So how do you intend on creating suitable technology?” Odin asked, making Steve look at Tony for the answer.

Tony had just taken a mouthful of food as all eyes turned to him. He would’ve sworn if he wasn’t in front of royalty. Well, that never really stopped him before, but he wasn’t just in front of Thor and Loki this time. He quickly swallowed his food, almost glaring as he saw the trickster besides him smirk amusedly.

“Well, we’re reviewing threats we’ve had before, so Hydra, Extremis, technology, magic, and we’re figuring out their weaknesses and combining it,” Tony explained, Bruce nodding along every now and then. “We’re working with as many people as we can, so we’re working with a sorcerer, the royals of Wakanda, Thor’s being a lot of help too. We’re getting everyone we can on board to put suitable defences in place.”

Thor beamed when he was mentioned. He was clearly proud that he’d helped. Loki couldn’t help but feel jealous when Tony mentioned Thor. He could probably be more help! He didn’t say anything, though. He just kept listening, ready to chime in need be.

“So why haven’t you done this sooner?” Odin asked curiously.

“We did,” Tony replied hesitantly. “But we were messing with something we didn’t quite understand. Our original plan was to make a system that would protect the world, but instead it tried destroying it. We weren’t ready to work on something like that and I should’ve realised that we weren’t ready. We needed to learn more about the mind stone before we used it for something as big as that.”

“Yeah, it was a good attempt but we weren’t prepared for it. This time we’re doing more research and trying to find alternative things to use, things that we understand more about, or maybe even using some magic. It’s a collaborative project between a lot of us who want the same things,” Bruce added.

Loki hesitated slightly. They wanted to use the mind stone to do something so powerful? So risky? He thought over everything quickly, trying to think of the best course of action.

“Using an infinity stone to power something that would protect Midgard would work if it’s done properly, though it would have a distinct energy that would be noticeable to anyone who passes,” Loki began to explain. “It would make Midgard a target for those seeking the stones. The best course of action would be to combine science and magic, and perhaps enhance pieces with the powers of a stone, though using a stone as a power source would draw too much attention.”

Everyone looked at Loki, most of them surprised to find that he was trying to help. Tony wasn’t though. He smiled gratefully at the god, who smirked slightly in return. He knew that he wasn’t going to get genuine emotion from the god at that moment, but when they were alone again, he knew he’d have to thank the god.

“But what happens if we use a stone on its own?” Tony asked. “The time stone seems fine when it’s used, and when you used the stones it seemed... well, it seemed fine.”

“It’s not a continuous use and it’s not using it to its full capacity for a considerable amount of time,” Loki explained. “If it’s being used for it’s full power for over approximately a day, it would be easy to find. It’s best to avoid risking it.”

Bruce thought over what was being said before he straightened up. He was used to having these talks with Tony and Strange, but as much as the sorcerer knew about the time stone, they now had someone who had inside knowledge on the stones and the people looking for them.

“So what if we make another arc reactor to power it? The one powering the tower works, so what if we make another but maybe enhance it with magic?” Bruce suggested, Tony beaming as he did.

“That could work! We’d need to figure out what exactly we need to power, though. Unless it’s a continuous defence system around the world? And we have the system in the sky, we could even have that powered by it,” Tony replied.

Loki watched his soulmate, fighting back a smile. He seemed so excited by the idea. He seemed so passionate. It was clear that despite how much the human had changed, his passion for saving the world was still there.

“If you use the right magic you could keep the defences hidden from any form of magic and technology. You could perhaps summon it at any point, no matter where you are. It could all be controlled remotely, no technology needed. It would be a suitable backup if something goes wrong,” Loki added, making Tony smile at him.

Natasha looked between the two, hiding her suspicion with ease. She had a feeling that there was something more going on than what Tony was letting on. She could see the way they looked at each other, just how close they were. That gave her an idea.

“Loki, why don’t you come to Earth with us for a bit? We could use your help on it,” Natasha said, a sweet smile on her face.

Oh. Loki wasn’t expecting that. Realistically, was it a good idea? No. But did he want to do it? Yes, absolutely. It meant he could spend more time with Tony, so how could he say no?

“Yes, I’m more than happy to help. When do we leave?” Loki asked, seeming amused. It unnerved Steve, but he played it off as paranoia.

“Tomorrow,” Natasha replied.

Maybe the dinner wasn’t a bad idea.

———————————————

“That went amazing!” Tony grinned as they walked into Loki’s room. “Looks like you’re stuck with me a bit longer!”

Loki couldn’t help but grin, dropping the facade he’d put up. He gently pulled Tony into a hug, feeling his heart beating faster than what was comforting. He was dreading that, but after talking about the defence system, the subject was changed and no one looked at Loki. It was nice.

“That truly worked in our favour,” Loki replied quietly, holding the human close.

Tony couldn’t be happier. He didn’t have to say goodbye to Loki. He was dreading it. He really didn’t want to leave. Now the god was coming with him. They were working on a project together. The trickster could be safe on earth. He was beyond ecstatic.

“It did.” Tony grinned. “I’m proud of you.”

Loki hesitated. He’d never been told that before. Well, En had, but that was mainly after a sex scene. Sure, there were other times, but that was kept to a minimum. They weren’t emotional with each other. Neither of them were great with emotions, so they just avoided it.

“Why? Because I sat quietly around people that scare me?” Loki asked, looking away from the human.

That took Tony by surprise. Then again, he should’ve realised that the god would take it like that. He felt bad. He wasn’t sure what to say.

“Lokes... you’re facing your fears. That might not seem like a big thing in that mind of yours, but trust me, it’s a big thing. So yeah, I’m proud, because I know just how hard facing yourself fears is.”

Loki went quiet. He wasn’t sure what to do or say. He wanted to say something, to show how much he appreciated it, but he didn’t want to get sentimental. He was too tired to be sad.

“How many times have you given yourself that pep talk?” Loki asked, trying to joke.

“Oh, enough times to be able to recite it in my sleep,” Tony replied, chuckling softly.

Loki looked at the human with a smile, gently holding him closer. He couldn’t believe just how lucky he was to have Tony around. He’d never felt so happy, he’d never felt so loved. He couldn’t begin to process how he felt.

“Well, my love, now I’ll be there to give you that speech.” Loki smiled softly. “You are truly remarkable. The bravest person I’ve ever met. I saw that in you when we first met. You have a big heart, that I can see as clear as day. You gave me a chance when I truly don’t deserve one, and you see past what I want you to see. You see who I truly am, and as much as I hate that at times, I can’t thank you enough. You are a remarkable person, Tony Stark. I know you don’t see it, though you’re truly an incredible person. You’re so selfless and you’re much more heroic than you give yourself credit for.”

Tony felt himself tear up and he looked away. He didn’t know why he was so emotional. He didn’t know why he was so emotional after the gods words. He hugged the trickster tightly, hiding his face in his neck.

“No. Only I’m allowed to give pep talks,” Tony mumbled, trying not to cry. 

“My love, if we’re to do this, the pep talks will be mutual. I want you to see just how incredible you are.” Loki smiled softly as he held his human close. 

Loki wanted to show Tony just how important he was. He could tell that the human tried to act strong, but he could see right past the facade. He knew how it felt and he wanted to help. He wanted to help the mechanic. He wanted to help him get better.

“Unfair,” Tony grumbled as he pulled away, looking at the god. “Can I borrow some clothes please? I can’t be bothered to go to my room.”

Loki nodded and led the mechanic to his wardrobe. He opened the door, revealing the rows of armour, some more casual wear and even some dresses. Tony smiled softly as he looked in, finding comfort in the green, black and gold colour scheme.

“Take what you wish,” Loki said, watching the mechanic grin.

Tony walked in, not at all surprised that Loki had a walk in wardrobe. He grabbed one of the gods poet shirts and some loose bottoms, quickly changing into them. He caught Loki watching him and he smirked wickedly.

“Like what you see, Princess?” He asked, making Loki blush faintly.

“I’m certainly not complaining,” the god replied, a smirk slowly growing. 

Tony just chuckled and got into bed, watching the god with a smile. Loki pouted slightly, making the mechanic chuckle. He loved how the god reacted to him. He found it almost unbearably adorable. Loki huffed and started to undress, a gold glow surrounding him as his illusion fell. Tony watched, almost entranced. There weren’t many obvious injuries on Loki’s body, and if there were any they were almost completely faded. He did seem a little on the thin side, but his muscles were still oddly defined. Must’ve been a god thing, Tony thought. What unnerved the human was the amount of scars on Loki’s body. There must’ve been hundreds, some were small lines, others were like burn marks. Some even went up his neck, even on his face. Tony couldn’t believe it. How could anyone do that to someone? Loki put an oversized shirt on before he crawled into bed, instantly wrapping his arms around the smaller human. Tony held the god close, almost protectively. He wouldn’t let anyone hurt the trickster again. Never again.

“Goodnight, kitten.”

“Goodnight, my love.”


	13. 13. The Best Is Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of implied suicide, implied drug use, nightmares, threats of death, drinking   
> Description of chapter will be in the end notes!  
> Thank you all so much for reading this, it means the absolute world to me. Haven’t mentioned that in a few chapters so thought I would again!  
> Twitter- en_ydw_i Tumblr- enydwi  
> Enjoy!

How could things change so fast yet stay the same? Why did he still yearn for the end? He felt bad. He felt awful, actually. To finally find love, to be able to hold his soulmate in his arms, but still want to leave. He’d have to watch the human grow old. Die. He knew it was selfish, but he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t put himself through that. A part of him did notice, he wouldn’t be able to live through Tony’s death, so how would Tony react if Loki died? Truth was, who would care? Chances are there’d be parties in the street. No one would mourn. He’d be forgotten, just like the last few times. But then there was En. The person who kept bringing him back. And for what? To relive the pain? To live in fear? He didn’t understand.

He kept staring at the wall. The wall that had never changed. The room hasn’t changed since he was young. He remembered when he was young, he must’ve been around five, he thought, Frigga would read him stories before bed. She’d sit at the edge of the bed, and read from the book, a new one every night. She knew that Loki skipped sleeping in order to finish the book, so eventually she took the book with her when she left. He remembered when he was seven, whenever he’d have a nightmare, Thor would come and comfort him. He promised that he’d protect the younger from anything. That aged well. He remembered at age nine, crying himself to sleep after Thor and his friends mocked him for learning magic. Aged thirteen, throwing up in the bin as he faced his first hangover. Aged fifteen, almost burning his curtains as he struggled to melt the powder. Oddly enough, he didn’t try melting it again. Not until years later, anyway. He’d figured out other ways to get the high without injecting it. Aged seventeen, his first hookup. Not the best, but it was enough to convince him it was worth his time. The cycle continued. Nothing ever changed.

Despite seeing Thor at the dinner, they didn’t speak. They didn’t even look at each other. It was confirmation that the warrior truly hated him, Loki felt. That he really had lost his brother. And for what? The whole thing started with his existence. If he hadn’t have been born, Jotunheim would be fine. The people and buildings harmed by the destroyer would be flourishing. The people he killed in Germany and New York would be fine. They’d be with their families. Tony... he wouldn’t be so broken. He would probably be happy.

Loki took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He didn’t want to let himself fall into his emotions. Not as far as he was going to, anyway. He wished that he could take it all back. He wished that he could go back in time, to stop Odin from taking him. How would that have changed things? He would’ve grown up a monster. A feral beast. An animal that couldn’t control its urges. One that yearned for blood and death. All of that... that was still there, nagging at the back of his mind. Natural instincts, he supposed. Even if he didn’t want them... he could feel them. He wasn’t sure if it was him being paranoid or if they were genuinely there, but they scared him. He didn’t want to have that. He wanted it all to stop. He didn’t want to be Jotun. He didn’t want to be scared. He didn’t want to be sad or lonely or unworthy. He wanted to prove himself, but he knew that would never happen. He was tired. Tired of the pain and the suffering and the endless torture he always endured. He was tired. That feeling never went away.

Loki was pulled out of his thoughts as he felt Tony start to squirm. He looked at the human worriedly, loosening his hold on the mechanic. Tony whimpered quietly, trying to scramble away from the god. That couldn’t be good. Loki gently let go of the human but sat up, ready to catch him if he got too close to the edge of the bed.

“Tony? You’re safe, my love. It’s time to wake up,” Loki said softly, using a spell to ensure Tony heard it in his mind. He hated getting into the humans head, but he needed him safe.

Tony shot up as he awoke, his eyes darting around the room. His eyes settled on Loki. He panicked briefly before he remembered why he was there. That he was safe. Was he safe? Could he really trust the god?

“I-I’m Sorry,” Tony said quietly. “Did I wake you up?”

Loki frowned as he watched the human. He seemed so scared of the god, even if it was just for a few seconds. Loki didn’t miss it, and it added to the pain. He knew that Tony had every right to hate him, to even be scared of him, but it just confirmed what he already knew.

“You needn’t apologise, my love. You’ve not done anything wrong,” Loki replied softly as he reached to hold the humans hand.

Tony shakily took the god’s hand, instantly feeling comforted. He wasn’t alone. He was there. He hadn’t left. He’d reassured him. He didn’t leave. Not like Pepper. Why didn’t he leave?

“No, I... I really am sorry. I’m trying to stop them, I promise. It’s just a small slip up.” Tony felt as if he was reciting a script. That was what he told Pepper every night. Every time he woke her up when he had a nightmare, that’s what he’d say.

“You needn’t apologise to me, my darling,” Loki said softly. “I don’t mind if you have nightmares. Do I wish you could sleep in peace without being haunted? Yes, because you deserve peace. Do I wish I could help? Absolutely. I wish I could take them away from you. I want you to be happy, and to be able to sleep easy. You needn’t apologise nor explain yourself. I promise.”

Tony nodded as he looked around, desperately hoping to find a bottle. He needed to calm down. Drinking was the one thing he knew that worked. Alcohol was always there when he needed it, and it didn’t leave him. He could depend on it.

Loki gently cupped the mechanics cheek, making Tony look at him. The god remembered what Tony did for him when he had just woken up from a nightmare, and he wanted to help, just like the human had. He started breathing in and out evenly, exaggerating each breath. Tony started breathing in time with his soulmate, making Loki smile. That was worth it, the engineer thought. Seeing his soulmate smile. A few minutes passed and Tony’s breathing had regulated, but it was clear the human was still shaken up.

“I-“ Tony went to start speaking but was interrupted by the god giving him the look. “Did I wake you up? I didn’t mean to. I genuinely feel bad.”

“You didn’t, don’t fret,” Loki replied softly. “You needn’t feel bad, my love. I’ll always be here to protect you, to help you through your struggles, to be here when you have a nightmare. No matter what, I will always be here.”

Tony sniffled quietly as he hugged the god, but he refused to cry. He couldn’t cry. He wasn’t going to let himself cry. Especially in front of someone. He trusted Loki, but he wasn’t going to cry in front of him. He had to be strong. Loki gently rubbed the humans back, trying to comfort him as much as he could. He wanted to help his soulmate, even if he felt powerless. He didn’t know what to do, but he’d do his best.

“Thank you,” Tony said, his voice muffled by the god’s shirt.

Loki gently kissed the human’s shoulder before he got up, still holding Tony. He smiled softly as the mechanic clung onto him, holding him closer so he wouldn’t drop his soulmate.

“I’m assuming you need to pack,” Loki said quietly, making Tony groan. “Go make a head start. I need to pack and then I’ll come keep you company.”

Tony knew that he needed to pack, but he really didn’t want to. He wanted to stay in his soulmates arms forever. After a few more seconds, he sighed and got down, sending a glare to the god who merely chuckled in reply.

“You’ve got ten minutes,” Tony replied, clearly unhappy about leaving.

“Or what, my love?” Loki asked amusedly.

“Push it and you’ll find out, princess.”

————————————————

“Tony!” Bruce said as soon as he saw his friend walk into the room. “Where were you?”

Bruce had his guesses. After all, where would Tony be? Tony smirked at the memories but didn’t say anything immediately, making his way to the wardrobe to shove his stuff into bags. He’d stayed another five minutes before he left Loki’s room, the two of them making the most of their time alone together. Tony didn’t doubt that they’d have much more supervision on Earth, just in case Loki did something. He found it stupid, but he knew why it was happening.

“Loki’s room,” Tony replied as he cleared the wardrobe.

Bruce wasn’t surprised. He knew that there was nowhere else Tony would be. He hadn’t exactly been away from Thor since they’d danced together. They’d spent every minute of every day together, and it was something that filled Bruce with joy. He finally felt happy. As if he had something, or even someone to live for. All of the pain he’d previously felt was worth it.

“What’s going on between you two?” Bruce asked curiously, making Tony hesitate.

What was going on between them? They’d never spoken about it. They just acted. They did why they wanted. They did whatever they could as long as they were happy and comfortable. He didn’t have a clue what was going on between them.

“I don’t know,” Tony answered honestly. “I... we’re just taking things as they come, I guess.”

“As long as you’re happy and you think he can be trusted,” Bruce replied.

Tony smiled softly, knowing that Bruce would support him. He knew that no matter what, he’d have Bruce by his side to support him, and he couldn’t begin to explain how much he appreciated that. They’d had a rocky relationship, but they both knew that the other would always be there. No matter what.

Tony was about to reply when the door opened. The two humans looked and saw Loki walk in. The god’s demeanour changed when he saw Bruce, he wasn’t expecting him to be there. He smirked mischievously and leant against the closed door, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Doctor Banner, it’s lovely to see you again,” Loki greeted, his smirk unnerving the scientist.

“Yeah, you too, Loki.” Bruce nodded in acknowledgement before he turned to Tony.

Even knowing what he did about Loki, he could still feel the other guy battle to take control. He trusted Tony enough to believe everything he said about Loki, but he still didn’t trust the god.

“I hear you’re courting my brother,” Loki said, taking Bruce by surprise.

“I- yeah, I guess you could say that...” Bruce replied, looking at Tony for some backup, but the mechanic was far too busy enjoying the conversation as he packed.

Loki smirked as he pushed himself off of the door. Even in a shirt and trousers, Bruce found the god intimidating. The trickster walked towards where Bruce was stood and pulled a dagger out, holding it to the scientists neck.

“Hurt my brother and I will ensure that every piece of you is broken, and even when you think that nothing can get worse, I will always prove you wrong. You would live to regret harming him. You’d consider death a mercy compared to what I’d do to you,” Loki snarled, ignoring the scientists now green veins. Tony was about to pull the god off when Loki took a step back, his dagger disappearing. “I trust you will treat my brother adequately?”

Bruce glared at the god, struggling to stay calm. Tony was watching in shock, having never seen anything like that before. He went over to Bruce but was stopped by a shake of the scientists head, his veins going back to blue. Tony nodded and shot the scientist an apologetic look, which was accepted by a small nod before Bruce turned back to the god.

“I thought Thor wasn’t your brother,” Bruce said. “No. You’ve hurt him way too much to threaten me about hurting him. That’s just hypocritical. I’m picking up the pieces from your stunts. If you don’t want to hurt Thor, don’t go near him. Give him space. Let him be happy.” Bruce turned to Tony again, smiling at him. “I’ll see you at the Bifrost,” he told the mechanic before he walked out of the room.

The two remaining just stood in shock. Loki thought over Bruce’s words, trying to make sense of them. How had he hurt Thor? He hadn’t seen him in a decade. The last time they saw each other was when Thor dragged Loki back to Asgard. Besides, he’d forgiven Thor for everything he’d done. Couldn’t the older forgive him for whatever he might’ve done?

Tony was seething. He wasn’t expecting Loki to pull a knife out on Bruce. He expected better. He thought he knew the god enough to know what to expect. Clearly he was wrong.

“What the fuck was that?” Tony asked, glaring at the god.

Loki went to reply but he was taken aback by the human’s rage. Maybe that wasn’t the best idea. He just didn’t want Thor to get hurt. He wanted to protect his brother. Was that so wrong?

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t think-“ Loki replied but was cut off by the seething human.

“You didn’t think?! So when you don’t think you threaten people and pull knives on them? Don’t you realise what could’ve happened?” Tony was practically yelling at this point. “He could’ve lost it! Then what would we have done? And what? All because you want to stir shit?” Tony took a step towards the god, who in return flinched back, looking away from the human. Tony felt his heart stop. Loki was scared. The god was scared of him. In that moment, he was scared of getting hurt. “I’m sorry-“

Tony knew that apologising wouldn’t be enough. He felt awful. He saw the god finally look at him, fear consuming his eyes.

“It’s okay,” Loki replied quietly. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that, and I truly am sorry. I shouldn’t have even thought of doing that.” 

Tony was surprised. He wasn’t expecting Loki to apologise, but then again, he wasn’t expecting Loki to pull a knife out on Bruce. That really wasn’t ideal. He was trying to convince everyone that Loki was trustworthy, but the god had just undone all of his work. 

“I shouldn’t have yelled. I’m sorry. I just didn’t... why did you do that?” Tony asked, clearly in shock. Loki shook his head, not wanting to answer. “Lokes, talk to me.”

“I forgot to pack something. I’ll meet you at the Bifrost.” Loki didn’t give the human enough time to reply before he rushed out of the room. 

Tony didn’t know what to do. What could he do? He thought that running after the god would cause more harm than good. He groaned loudly before he finished packing, desperately excited to finally have a drink again.

—————————————————

Tony walked with the team to the Bifrost, albeit Thor. The god was talking to his parents, something about babysitting Loki, Tony assumed. Bruce seemed relatively calm, luckily enough. He’d calmed down from his encounter with Loki. 

“So... what’re we doing about the psycho staying at the tower?” Clint asked as they walked along the bridge.

“Tony can babysit, considering they’re close,” Natasha replied with a smile, earning a glare from the mechanic.

Tony went to reply but stopped when he saw a figure standing on the Bifrost. They were at the edge, unmoving. The rest of the team carried on walking, but they were still too far away to see who it was. They were close to the edge. Too close for comfort. Tony didn’t even think anyone else noticed. He quickly caught up to them, playing it off as nothing was wrong.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll make sure he doesn’t kill anyone, don’t worry,” Tony answered before speeding up, going over to the person standing on the edge.

He didn’t want to assume what was going on, but the fact that someone was so willing to stand so close to the edge... it was unnerving. He knew the feeling and he wanted to be there to help whoever he could. He wanted to protect people from feeling the way he did, from doing what he did. He was lucky, he guessed. He could be there to help. The closer he got, the more he recognised the figure. When the realisation hit, he stopped, his heart dropped. His blood went cold. He couldn’t believe it.

“Loki?!” He called, making the god jump.

Loki took a couple of steps away from the edge and net Tony in the middle, confused by his lovers concern. Why was he concerned? Why did he care? Why did he rush to the god? Loki couldn’t see why any of that happened. He didn’t know why Tony cared, why the human even wanted to know him. After all, he was a monster.

“What’s wrong?” Loki asked the human, a charming smile on his face. 

Tony hesitated. Why was Loki not being... well, Loki? He looked behind to see the rest of the team slowly catching up. Maybe that was it. Well, he hoped that it was, anyway. What else could it be?

“Why were you standing on the edge?” Tony asked in reply, receiving no visible reaction from the trickster.

“I was simply reminiscing, you needn’t worry,” Loki replied.

He wasn’t necessarily lying. He was thinking about the time he fell. About the actions that led up to it. He wanted to be free. He didn’t want to be a disappointment. He couldn’t help but be amused at that thought. Falling meant he tried to attack Asgard. That caused further disappointment. He couldn’t help but wonder if he fell again... would he finally be at peace? Or what if Thanos found him? He didn’t want to risk it. He couldn’t risk it.

“Reminiscing about what?” Tony asked before he remembered what happened. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

Loki was about to reply before the team finally caught up, all looking fairly confused, apart from Natasha, who seemed amused. Of course she’d know, Tony thought. Bruce hesitated when he saw Loki, still concerned after what happened. The god noticed and took a small step towards the scientist.

“I’m sorry for what happened earlier. It was wrong of me to threaten you, and I sincerely apologise for my actions,” Loki said, taking everyone by surprise.

“Who are you and what have you done with Loki?” Clint asked confusedly. Bruce just glared at the archer before turning back to Loki.

“It’s fine. I shouldn’t have said what I said, and I’m sorry for saying those things,” Bruce replied. “Let’s our all that behind us. Forget it every happened.”

Loki just nodded, making Tony smile slightly. They’d apologised. Everything was fine. Everything would be fine. Well, judging by Clint’s expression, things weren’t great, but he’d just have to keep Clint and Loki away from each other. The tower was big, so he was hoping it would be easy. 

“Friends!” Thor said as he walked over to them. “Let us depart!” He hesitated when he saw Loki, his smile faltering. Now Tony had to keep Thor and Clint away from Loki. That was going to be a nightmare. “Once we arrive, we must talk.”

Tony was going to regret this.

————————————————

Maybe it wasn’t so hard. Clint went straight to his room, Natasha following to make sure he was okay. Bruce went to the lab, followed by Thor, and Steve, after much persuasion from Tony, went to the gym. 

Something was wrong. He knew that. Something was bothering Loki, and it was worrying him. Hence why the first place he showed Loki was the bar. He noticed the god hesitate as they walked in, but he didn’t think much of it. He poured himself a glass of whiskey before he looked at the god.

“Would you like a drink?” Tony asked the god.

‘Stalling me won’t change anything’

‘No, no, threatening’

Loki looked at the human, seeing him stood behind the bar. The exact same place as before, pouring the exact same drink. He tapped his fingers against his thigh, trying to test it he was in control. He was. That was good. He looked at Tony again. He was safe. He wasn’t being controlled. The Avenger wasn’t hostile. He was safe.

“I’m alright, thank you,” Loki replied with a polite smile.

“C’mon, it’ll help you loosen up a bit,” Tony joker, pouring himself another drink.

Loki shook his head again. He looked out of the window, remembering the humans face as he fell from it. He saw the platform and remembered the aches of Thor beating him. The terror he felt as he realised what he’d done. 

Sentiment.

“No, no, I’m quite alright,” Loki said. “Besides, it’s not enough to affect me.”

Tony snorted amusedly as he finished the bottle, grabbing another as soon as the liquid ran out. Loki watched quietly, just wanting a way out. He didn’t like the human’s drinking habits, but he couldn’t be there.

“Alright, but I thought you were a bit more fun than that.” Tony chuckled amusedly as he poured himself another glass.

‘I thought you were more fun.’

‘Why are you so boring?’

‘Not joining? Aren’t you a prude.’

‘Why can’t you be more like your brother?’

Loki looked at the human, seeing he was preoccupied with his drink. That would be something to talk about another time. He remembered that Thor wanted to talk to him and supposed that he may as well be kicked while he was down.

“I need to speak to Thor. I’ll see you later,” Loki said, giving no time for the human to reply before he left.

It wasn’t long before the god realised he had no idea where he was going. He tried to think about the direction Thor went, but that just led him to a lift. He closed his eyes and focused on Thor before using his magic to teleport there. He opened his eyed and found himself in a science lab with Thor and Bruce looking at him expectantly. 

“Brother, what are you doing?” Thor asked, taking a step towards the god.

“You wished to talk. Here I am.” The trickster smirked in reply.

Bruce excused himself and walked out of the room, thinking that the conversation was best private. Loki looked at the warrior with a smirk, hoping that the meeting would be brief. He didn’t want it to be any longer than it had to be.

“You had no right to threaten Bruce,” Thor growled, walking closer to his brother who stayed in place.

“And I’ve apologised,” Loki replied, showing no fear.

“I don’t know what game you’re playing, but know that if you even attempt to harm anyone, and I mean anyone, I will show no mercy-“ Thor threatened as he pushed his brother against the wall, leaving marks that Loki was sure would bruise with time.

Loki watched his brother, insisting on hiding every emotion he felt. He wouldn’t show weakness. He wouldn’t let himself show it. Especially to Thor. The one person he could never live up to. The person he loved more dearly than anything. The person he considered his brother. 

“I’m glad to see you too, Thor,” Loki joked, a mischievous smirk on his face.

Thor gave one final shove before he let the god go. He took a few steps back before he turned to face the trickster again, rage clear in his eyes.

“There is nothing good about seeing you, Loki,” Thor said as he walked away, leaving Loki alone.

The god pushed himself off of the wall, blinking away the tears that threatened to fall. He wouldn’t be affected by that. No, he couldn’t be. Sentiment. He would never be affected by it. He took a deep breath before he staggered to find the bar. He found the lift and he pressed a button, hoping to have the right floor. After the third attempt, the doors opened to reveal the bar, and a drunken mechanic sat in front of it. Loki walked up to the mechanic, silently taking a seat beside him.

“If it’s all the same to you, I’ll have that drink now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki’s not doing great, struggling with not being okay despite having a soulmate and feeling as if he should be happy. How he struggled with loneliness as a child and how he turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms that he still struggles with. He wonders how life would be if he was never adopted by Odin.   
> Tony has a nightmare, peak comfort ensures. Tony apologises for said nightmare but Loki assures him that he doesn’t mind, that he wants to help. Peak comfort.   
> Bruce and Tony talk, Bruce sort of knows what’s going on between Tony and Loki. Bruce just wants Tony to be happy. Loki and Bruce talk, Loki threatens Bruce if he doesn’t treat Thor nicely, Bruce says it’s hypocritical considering all the hurt Loki’s caused Thor. Tony and Loki have a minor argument about this and Loki storms out.   
> When on the Bifrost, Thor tells Loki they need to talk.   
> When on Earth, Tony offers Loki a drink which causes a minor flashback. Loki then goes to talk to Thor, who scolds Loki for threatening Bruce, threatens Loki if he were to hurt anyone, then tells Loki that there’s nothing good about seeing him before storming off.   
> Loki then goes to Tony to get that drink. 
> 
> So a lot more happens in this chapter than I realised! But shit’s about to kick off so hold onto your seatbelts and have fun! 
> 
> See you next Monday x


	14. 14. I Dreamed a Dream In Times Gone By

Tony didn’t know what to think. One minute, he was planning on showing the trickster around the tower, next minute he was waking up in bed next to the sleeping god. 

He vaguely remembered the night. He drank on his own for a bit until Loki showed up, mixing his drinks with the alcohol he’d brought from Asgard. He’d never seen the Aesir drunk before, but he remembered him to be amusing. He remembered the Aesir dancing with him, being carefree. Something he’d never seen the god be before. He looked at the sleeping being next to him, seeing how peaceful he looked. The mechanic wished he could take the God’s pain away. He wished that he could show the Aesir that things could be okay. Then again, when were things ever okay? 

He got up slowly, hoping to not wake the god up. He needed a distraction. He didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to remember the suffering. That no matter what he did, it would never be good enough. He would never be good enough for Loki. After all, he wasn’t good enough for anyone else. What would be different for Loki? He was a god, after all. He could have anyone he wanted. Tony was human. He was weak compared to the god. He couldn’t figure out why the god wanted him. Sure, they were soulmates, but why did Loki accept him? Why didn’t the trickster laugh in his face and leave? He didn’t understand.

He walked over to the wardrobe and grabbed a t-shirt and jeans before he took his shirt off, getting his shirt ready before he heard a voice.

“Please take your time.” He heard from the bed. “I’m rather enjoying the view.”

He chuckled amusedly and shook his head, keeping his back turned to the god. He didn’t want to turn around. He didn’t want the god to see the reactor. He hated it. He hated the scars around it. He hated the memories. He hated everything about it.

“Oh, shut up,” Tony replied fondly, looking over his shoulder at the god.

Loki was laying on the bed, watching the human with a smirk. Tony’s heart fluttered at the sight, his previous worries silenced. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to the sight of the god laying in his bed. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to spending time with Loki. 

The god’s smirk grew as his eyes darkened, something that unnerved Tony. He trusted Loki, but never knew what to expect from him. The trickster got up and started to walk towards the human. Tony couldn’t help but smile when he saw the god in one of his shirts, it somehow almost touching the gods knees. He guessed it was magic. Loki gently wrapped his arms around the human, a wicked smirk playing on his lips.

“Is that a challenge, my dear?” He asked, his hands holding onto the humans bare waist.

Tony was about to object when the god started kissing his neck. The human practically melted into his touch, closing his eyes contently. Maybe he could go along with it. It was a nice hangover cure, he thought. He was dragged out of his thoughts by a bite to his neck, an impure sound escaping his lips in response. 

He could get used to this.

————————————————

“So what you’re saying is if we- well, you build another reactor and I use magic to enhance it, it could power defences around the world?” Stephen asked, leaning against one of the tables.

“We-“ Loki corrected. “We’ll use magic to enhance it.”

Loki wasn’t far from Tony, who was barely listening. Bruce was sat on one of the chairs opposite the mechanic, seeming unamused by the constant bickering from the two magicians. Bruce looked at the holographic models of what they’d thought of so far, trying to figure out how to make the reactor big enough.

“How can we trust you?” The sorcerer asked, glaring at the god. “You’re a threat to this world.”

“Trust that I have reason for helping,” Loki replied sharply. “I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t benefit from it.”

“Exactly. You’d know exactly how to work everything, and you’d be in control of it if your magic was in it,” Stephen explained with a glare.

“Yet you’d have magic from another realm helping to power the device. You’d have twice the magical power you would if only yours was used.” Loki pushed himself off the lab wall and took a step towards the wizard, starting to get frustrated.

Bruce was exhausted. The bickering had been going on since Stephen arrived. He just wanted a break. Tony didn’t even seem to notice. He seemed completely distracted. 

“Tony?” Bruce asked, getting to response. “Tony? You there?”

Tony looked at Bruce, finally registering what was going on. He saw Loki smirk out of the corner of his eye and he inwardly glared at the god. He’d get his revenge later. 

“Hm?” Tony asked, looking between everyone. 

He could feel the tension in the room. Stephen looked annoyed, Bruce looked exhausted and Loki looked amused. Everything seemed normal.

“Are we really trusting Loki?” Stephen eventually questioned, the god rolling his eyes in response.

“You were going to power the defences by using an infinity stone. The mind stone at that. I’m certain you could see the fault in that,” Loki replied. “Besides, it would draw too much attention from those searching for the stones. It’s best to keep them hidden.”

“That’s why you opened a portal into space using one?” The sorcerer asked, earning a glare from the trickster.

Loki was seething. He was almost shaking with anger. Who was the wizard to speak to the god like that? He hated the sorcerer’s ignorance. The mage was about to reply when Tony interrupted. 

“Alright, that’s enough arguing,” Tony said. “Loki brought up some points that would help us. He’s trying to help and so far he’s proved that he can be trusted. We’re just in the planning stages anyway, so when we’re designing everything, you two can go to trust exercises. That’s the plan and it’s not up for debate.”

Loki smiled smugly, earning a glare from the sorcerer. Bruce sighed and got up, swiping his hand through the hologram to close it.

“So let’s get to planning the new ones.”

————————————————

Loki had never been so relieved in his life. Him and Tony were finally alone in the lab, Stephen having left and Bruce having gone back to Thor. The wizard had finally started to warm up to him by the end of the six hours. Well, he’d stopped glaring. He took that as a win.

He sat on Tony’s lap and rested his head against the humans shoulder, closing his eyes. The mechanic gently wrapped his arms around the god, smiling contently. He was happy to have the trickster back in his arms. The meeting was stressful, much stressful than he anticipated, but he was glad that Bruce was there to help him keep everything under control. 

“That second-rate sorcerer is one of the most irritating beings I’ve ever met,” Loki grumbled, earning a small chuckle from the mechanic.

“He’s nice once you get to know him. Just give him time,” Tony replied softly, gently brushing gods hair with his fingers.

Loki practically melted into the human’s touch. Tony smiled softly, loving the consistent reaction that got. He knew that anyone could walk in at any moment, but no one had reason to. He thought that they’d be safe to be close in the lab. The only person that had reason to be in there was Bruce and he knew.

“He’s insufferable,” Loki hummed quietly. 

“He asked who was looking for the stones and you almost bit his head off.” Tony chuckled softly as he continued to play with the gods hair.

“Why should he know?” The mage asked softly.

“It would help to know who we’re facing,” Tony replied.

The trickster hesitated. Did he really have to say? Well... he could trust Tony. He knew he could. The mechanic hadn’t done anything to prove himself unworthy of trust. He made no effort to move, finding comfort in their position. He felt safe, and that was something he needed.

“The Black Order. Proxima Midnight. Trained assassin. Superhuman strength, speed, agility and durability. Last of her kind. Adopted by the Titan after he destroyed her home planet. Her husband, Corvus Glaive. Superhuman strength, durability and enhanced healing factor. Adopted by the Titan after he destroyed his home planet. One of the last of his kind. His biological brother, Cull Obsidian. Physically the strongest of the Titian’s children. Same enhancements as Corvus. Ebony Maw. Skilled sorcerer. Telekinesis, telepathy, levitation. Last of his kind. Powerful. Very powerful. The Other. Superhuman speed. Pain inducement. Last of his kind. The Titan’s right hand man.” Loki took a deep breath before continuing, seeing Tony was still creating the files of information through Jarvis. “Loki Laufeyson. Superhuman speed, strength, agility, durability, enhanced healing factor, mage, telepath, elemental abilities. Presumed last of kind.” 

Tony looked at the god curiously before. He thought that him and Thor were the same kind. That they were both from Asgard. The trickster kept his eyes closed, seeming oddly peaceful as he explained, despite his fidgeting hands in his lap.

“Presumed?” Tony hesitantly questioned.

“They and I all assumed. Turns out we were wrong. Hundreds live, though as far as I know, they’re unaware of that,” Loki replied softly. “I’d rather them not know. I don’t want to put anyone at risk.”

Tony made a mental note to ask later about that. Or ask Thor. He thought that maybe now wasn’t the best time to ask, considering what they were talking about.

“And the Titan?” Tony asked.

He felt the god tense even more, which he didn’t think was possible. He kept playing with the trickster’s hair as he created the files, hoping it would be enough to keep him calm. 

“Thanos. Superhuman speed, strength, agility, durability, stamina and reflexes. Regenerative healing factor. Seems to have some form of immortality. Last of his kind,” Loki explained quietly.

Tony thought over his words. He didn’t know how to feel. He knew not to underestimate any of them, especially if Loki was scared of them. Even if the god wouldn’t admit it, he could tell that he was scared. The fact that he counted himself in that... that scared Tony. It confirmed his fear of Loki joining them again.

“You wouldn’t join them again, would you?” Tony asked.

“Not by choice,” Loki replied almost instantly. “I would never join them by choice. My ideals don’t align with theirs.” 

The human nodded and gently kissed the top of the gods head, earning a small smile in return. Tony was petrified, but he wouldn’t show it. He couldn’t show it. He had to stay strong.

“How do we stop them?” The human asked.

“I don’t know.”

—————————————————

Some chocolate, a movie and lots of cuddles later, Loki fell asleep. Tony was glad that the god could rest. He’d called a team meeting, knowing he had a lot of information to share. He’d had Jarvis save the files of everyone Loki mentioned and added to Loki’s file, filling in the parts that they didn’t know. 

He quietly slipped out of bed and tucked Loki in, earning a hum of content. He smiled at the sound and gently kissed the top of the God’s head before he snuck out of the room. He felt awful sharing the information, but the team had to know what they were up against.

He walked into the living room, the rest of the team already waiting. He saw a smirk on Natasha’s face but he chose to ignore that and sit on the arm chair opposite her, ignoring her smirk completely. He knew that she’d figure it out, but he didn’t expect her to do it as fast as she did. He hated it.

“What’s up?” Clint asked, not wanting to waste any time.

“Is this about the meeting with Stephen?” Natasha asked, her eyes never leaving Tony.

Oh. He forgot about the meeting. He’d been completely distracted by Loki, which he wasn’t complaining about. He loved spending time with the god. He didn’t ever want it to end. He looked at Natasha before he nodded, explaining what happened. He explained how Stephen was willing to help, how they’d started planning the reactor and the defences. Bruce chimes in every now and then, but everyone agreed that the project was working well.

“That’s it?” Clint asked.

“No, I’ve got more information,” Tony replied quietly. 

“So what’s happened?” Steve asked, looking at Tony expectantly.

Tony hesitated. Was it a good idea? Did he really need to share the information? Loki trusted him. He trusted him enough to open up to him, to tell him about Thanos, about why he attacked New York. He was blowing that trust. 

But he had to.

“Jarvis, open the files from Black Order,” Tony said.

The holograms appeared and all of the files opened, revealing what Loki had said on each individual. The team read through them curiously, none of them saying anything in that time. There wasn’t really anything to say. Thor read through Loki’s file before he stopped.

“Presumed last of his kind?” Thor asked confusedly.

“I was hoping you could say a bit about that,” Tony replied.

The confusion was evident on Thor’s face. That’s when Tony realised that Thor didn’t know. The god had no idea what that was about. Was Loki lying? Trying to see if he was going to ask Thor? That wasn’t good.

“No. He’s Aesir. He’s adopted, but...” Thor trailed off.

“He said that they were wrong, that he wasn’t the last of his kind. There’s about a hundred left of them. He didn’t tell me anything else. I didn’t want to push it,” Tony explained.

Everyone went quiet for a bit again. Thor was deep in thought, trying to piece everything together. Bruce was trying to comfort him, but nothing was helping. Thor wanted to know, but knew that he couldn’t ask Loki. He wasn’t meant to know.

“So we’ve got all this information, what now?” Natasha asked, still examining each file.

“We wait until something happens, I guess,” Tony replied.

He closed the files and sat back, trying to think of a plan. He hated plans, but he couldn’t sit back and relax knowing that something could happen at any given moment. He couldn’t rest until they had a plan. Until they had the defences up. He couldn’t rest until the world was safe.

“And how long is that?” Clint asked. “How long do we have to sit and do nothing for? We need to start now.”

“We need to wait. We don’t know enough about this situation yet,” Bruce replied. “It would be suicide to go after them now.”

“And how are you even getting your information, anyway?” Clint turned to Tony with a glare. 

Tony couldn’t help but get annoyed by Clint’s attitude. There was something judgemental about the archers look. As if he was annoyed with Tony for even giving the god the light of day.

“By being nice,” Tony replied.

“By sleeping with him, you mean,” Natasha corrected with a smirk.

Tony looked at Natasha before he forced a smirk. Of course she’d think that. She knew his persona better than anyone else. She’d read the Shield files. She knew who he was in the public eye. Playboy.

“Well, I’ve got to repay him for the information somehow.” Tony chuckled. Thor glared at him and he sighed. “No, we haven’t slept with each other.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” she replied with a smirk. 

They all started talking about strategies, but Tony zoned out. He felt horrible for sharing the information. He’d betrayed Loki’s trust, even though he doubted the god knew.

Loki turned away from the door, feeling his chest tighten. He’d woken up and he wanted to find the mechanic. He’d finally figured out what floor everything was on, which he was grateful for. He wasn’t sure where exactly the engineer would be, but he eventually found his way to the living room. He saw everyone there and decided to listen in. He heard everything about the black order. Everything he told Tony, the entire team knew. Even the parts about Loki’s race. Thor now knew. Thor wasn’t the smartest, but he was sure the warrior could figure it out eventually. 

He walked away quietly, not knowing what to do. Everything hurt. It felt as if his heart was being ripped out of his chest. He was being used for information. Why was he always used? It was always the same. Whether it was for supplies, abilities, looks, rank... he was always used. No one ever cared for him. No, they only wanted what he had. They wanted his supplies, they wanted to use his abilities, they wanted him for his looks, they wanted him because he was the brother of Thor, Tony wanted him for his information. It all made sense. That’s how he got the human. That’s why he stayed. That’s why he changed his mind after calling him a monster. None of it had changed. None of it was ever going to change. All he ever wanted was to be wanted for himself, but that was never going to happen. 

He was trying to find somewhere safe, somewhere he could think without being interrupted. He didn’t want to be stuck somewhere with any of the Avengers. He didn’t feel safe. He wasn’t safe. He was never safe. He needed to get to Sakaar. He was safest there.

He was about to teleport away when he saw a ship in the sky. He wasn’t going to think much of it, but then he recognised it. He knew that ship. He knew it far too well. 

They’d found him.

Maybe that wasn’t a bad thing.

He used his magic to change into his armour before he teleported outside. He saw two figures drop from the ship, but he didn’t let that visibly affect him. He couldn’t let it affect him. He walked towards the site below the ship, feeling his nerves only get worse. If he was lucky, he’d die. That would be mercy, though he could hope. 

He knew that the Avengers would be coming, he knew he didn’t have long. He was hoping that he could get away. That he could get to Sakaar. He still could, but he knew they’d follow. They’d finally found him, and he needed to get them off his tracks. He needed to outsmart them. He didn’t know how. They knew his tricks. His abilities. His mind. They knew everything about him. He was doomed. He was defeated. 

“The traitor has decided to show himself!” The voice struck terror in him. Thanos wasn’t playing around. He’d sent Ebony and The Other. He was well and truly doomed. 

“I wouldn’t say that I’m a traitor,” Loki replied, grateful that his voice didn’t give away his fear.

The god put barriers up in his mind, not wanting anyone to see in. He knew it would irritate them, but he didn’t want them to know any easy targets. He didn’t want to be open to them. He had to get out of the situation, but he could see no way out.

“You his from us,” Ebony stated amusedly.

“I was imprisoned,” Loki corrected, clearly annoyed. “I attempted to escape, though every attempt was foiled. Turns out they aren’t very trusting of a god who tried to take over a realm.”

The mage heard the ruckus from behind him and he knew his time was up. He heard the familiar sound of metal hitting the ground. Tony was there. He felt rage start to take over from the fear, but he did his best to ignore it. He had to be rational.

“Yet it seems that you’re working with the team that defeated you.” Ebony smirked, eyeing the team behind him. 

“I don’t know who you are, but we’re not looking for a fight,” Steve said, trying to defuse the situation. 

“I’m not working with them,” Loki stated. “I wish for nothing more than to see them suffer as they realise that they’ve lost the battle. That despite winning a decade ago, they will have lost the war. For them to watch as those they love, those they desperately try to protect disappear.”

Tony was taken aback. He was hoping that Loki had a plan. That this was all an act and that he’d help them get rid of the two aliens, but something told him that it was real. Loki wasn’t being controlled. He didn’t have the mind stone. This was Loki. But it wasn’t. He saw the real god, and this wasn’t him. Something was wrong, and maybe it was just the fear of seeing two people he assumed were a part of the black order, but he knew that there was something more.

“You betrayed us, runt,” The Other said. “You lost the battle. I warned you of the cost.”

Tony watched worriedly. That was the confirmation they needed. Loki was controlled. He was telling the truth about that. At least that much was true. He took a step towards them which gained the attention of one of the aliens.

“I hate to interrupt, but I think it’s time for you guys to go.” Tony was hoping that everything would end fine, but even he couldn’t see that happening.

The mechanic felt the suit start to tighten around him and his eyes widened. He saw the squidward-looking figure tighten his fist as the suit tightened. He tried speaking but found he couldn’t move. The rest of the team got ready to attack but they all got thrown into the buildings behind them, the bricks enclosing them into the surface.

“Enough!” Loki roared, glaring at Ebony. 

“Is that sentiment?” Ebony asked, a smirk plying at his lips.

Loki couldn’t begin to explain how he was feeling. Sentiment? Perhaps, not that he would admit to it. His heart was still breaking and he couldn’t begin to process the pain he was feeling. Still, he kept his head held high and maintained a calm demeanour.

“No,” Loki replied, taking a step towards the two. “I wish to see them suffer. To watch as they realise they’ve failed. To have a front row seat in which to watch them lose the ones they worked so hard to protect. For them to know what it feels like to lose.”

The Avengers were taken aback, Tony especially. He felt his heart break. He wanted to trust Loki, but he knew that this was all Loki. That he wasn’t being controlled. That this was him out of his own free will. Even after their day... this is how Loki acted. He felt his heart being ripped out of his chest, but then again that could’ve been the metal of the suit being pushed into his skin. He couldn’t tell.

“You’re not to be trusted. You failed before, you’ll fail again,” The Other said calmly.

“Then I bring an offering in return for trust.” Loki took a deep breath before he held his palm out, a red stone appearing in his hand. Thor immediately started fighting even more against the wall, the realisation of what it was suddenly hitting Tony.

Ebony walked towards Loki, but the god didn’t back down. He kept ahold of the stone, not showing any sign of weakness. The older took the stone before putting it in his pocket. Loki put his hand down and watched the other, seeing Maw smirk.

“Perhaps your offering will be considered,” Maw stated, making Loki inwardly relax. He was about to reply when he felt a burning pain throughout his head, making him cry out in shock. The feeling stopped and he stepped away from the cause, seeing The Other by his side. Ebony grabbed the god by the jaw, forcing the trickster to look at him. “You’ll regret failing us, runt. Though we’ll make sure it won’t happen again.”

A beam of light surrounded the three of them before they flew up into the ship. The heroes left behind were freed of their encasements, the bricks tumbling to the floor and Tony’s suit returning to normal. Tony immediately stepped out of the armour, feeling his heart shatter into a million pieces.

He trusted Loki, and it all went to shit.

He fucked up.


	15. 15. Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag

Tony couldn’t begin to process his emotions, not that he wanted to anyway. He was confused, betrayed, sad, hurt, angry... he even felt stupid. He trusted the god of lies. What was he expecting? Why was he stupid enough to trust the god? He wanted to believe that Loki was just doing what he had to to survive, but he didn’t have to give them a stone. No, that implied that he was on their side. Then again, he’d had clear access to the mind stone. Why not take that? Why not hand that over to them too? Unless he didn’t want to be controlled. Tony grabbed another drink, wanting to get rid of his feelings, wanting to numb himself and the confusion that only grew.

He felt a hand on his shoulder making him jump in fright. He turned to look and saw Natasha standing there. He sighed and drank his drink in one before pouring another. He wasn’t ready for the lectures. It was all his fault, but what could he do now? It was over. He’d fucked up. He had to pay the price.

“You didn’t know he was going to do that,” Natasha said softly.

Natasha wasn’t stupid. She’d pieced together that the god and mechanic were involved romantically. She’d seen the way they looked at each other when they thought no one was looking, the way they’d spend so much time together, the way the god would cling to Tony. It was all too obvious.

“But I shouldn’t have trusted him,” Tony replied. “He does what he has to survive. That’s why I shouldn’t have trusted him. He only does what’s good for himself, and obviously working with them means he’ll survive.”

Then why would he keep us alive?” Natasha asked, earning a look of confusion from the mechanic. “He said he wanted to watch us suffer. They were going to kill us and he made it clear he wanted us to survive. Whether or not the reasoning behind it was true, he kept us alive.”

Tony didn’t reply. He didn’t know how to. He was beyond angry with the god, but more so at himself. What if he was just using Tony for information? To know how Earth would protect itself? Then again, why would he help if that was his plan?

The rest do the team accumulated in the living room, but Tony stayed by the bar, opting to keep drinking. He didn’t want to be sober. He didn’t want to be there. He heard the team start to talk, but he didn’t pay any mind to it. He didn’t want to talk about it.

“Tony? Are you even going to take this seriously?” Steve asked, Tony finally paying attention to them in return.

“Yeah, it’s pretty serious, but there’s not much we can do,” Tony replied. “We just need to sit around and wait. We’ll get the defences up as fast as we can and we work from there.”

“You told us we could trust Loki. You were the one that brought him here. You need to take responsibility,” Steve said, glaring daggers at the mechanic.

“What did he do that was so wrong? You were there. You saw and heard everything. He kept us alive. He gave them a stone, sure, but he had access to one here and he didn’t take it. He’s left us with a stone, and I don’t know why, but we need to give him that,” Tony explained as he poured another drink.

He wanted to give Loki the benefit of the doubt, that he was just doing it for information, to survive, anything justifiable. He just didn’t know. The god hadn’t even looked at him throughout the entire encounter. He didn’t even know that he was awake.

“He took the Æther,” Thor said. “It’s the reality stone. It was locked in the vaults of Asgard. I wasn’t even aware that he knew it was there. It was completely hidden.”

“Right, so they’ve got the reality stone, we’ve got the mind, Strange has time, is the tesseract still on Asgard?” Tony asked, Thor nodding in reply. “Then that’s four accounted for. We’ve just got to hope they don’t have the other two.”

Steve looked at Tony, the two of them having a mini stare-off. No words were exchanged, but neither were backing down. They’d protect their cause, no matter what. Sure, Tony knew that Steve was right, but he had hope. He was hopeful that maybe something good would come out of it.

Hope would keep them alive.

—————————————————

“Steve, are you sure this is a good idea?” Natasha asked the super-soldier.

Steve needed space. Besides, he had a mission. Sure, it had taken him for years so far, but he wasn’t going to give up. He would never give up. He just needed more time. Well, he had plenty, he thought. Unless he died in battle. Otherwise, he had plenty of time.

“I need to do this,” Steve replied. “Anyway, I need some time to calm down. I don’t want to argue with Tony more than I have to.”

The soldier did feel bad. He never meant to argue with Tony, it just happened. He hated narcissistic, egotistical, selfish people, and Tony just so happened to be all of them. He just wanted to see a good person in there, someone like Howard Stark. He didn’t see why Tony hated the man so much. That bugged him. Who would hate their parents?

“You don’t have to argue with him, point-blank,” Natasha said softly. “I know he can be irritating, but... he just wants to do the right thing.”

“Then why did he trust Loki?” Steve asked, making Natasha hesitate. “That was a stupid mistake that’s cost us.”

Natasha didn’t know what to say. She saw where he was coming from, but she saw where Tony was coming from, too. She was caught in the middle, and she hated it.

“Just take care of yourself, Steve,” Natasha replied before she walked out of the room.

Steve rolled his eyes as he grabbed his bag and went downstairs. Sure, it was a mission, but it was his. He wasn’t assigned it by anyone. He needed to do it for himself. He was glad that no one had caught onto him yet. He always said he was going on a mission, and no one questioned it. It was always more than a mission, though.

He didn’t talk much about the war. He didn’t want to. He remembered the fighting, the laughing, the blood, the loss, all like it was yesterday. He hated the thoughts of it. He hated the nightmares that infiltrated his sleep. He hated everything about them, but he was glad he fought. He did what he could for his country, and now he was protecting the world. He was making his ma proud.

He remembered waking up from the ice, realising what had happened. Technology scared him, he realised. He saw all of these screens, all of the cars, the phones, the quinjets, and all he could think was how much Bucky would’ve loved them. How much Bucky would’ve loved how the world progressed. He would’ve loved the technology, the advancements, how far they’d gotten in the fight for equality. Steve wanted nothing more than to have his best friend by his side, to see the world with him. Bucky’s death still haunted his dreams. Even though he knew that the other was alive, he couldn’t help but remember how he fell. How Bucky was willing to die for what he believed in. He wished he’d helped. He wished that he’d been quick enough to catch him. Maybe then Bucky wouldn’t be hidden away in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. He wished he could’ve been better. Maybe then his soulmate would be happy.

————————————————————

“Honey, I’m home!” Steve called as he walked into the house.

Home, he realised. Wherever his soulmate was, that was where his home was. He loved the tower, sure, but Bucky wasn’t there. That was the plan. One day, when the soldier was in a better mental state and was ready to be around other people, Steve would take him to the tower. It was a risk, he knew, that Tony could learn the truth, but it was a risk he was willing to take.

He dropped his bag by the door and smiled when he saw his love walking towards him. Bucky was beyond happy to see Steve. He hadn’t seen him in two months, and he’d been alone. He hated being alone. His paranoia always got the best of him as he thought that he was being watched and that Hydra had found him. When Steve was there, he had someone to calm those thoughts. He had someone to talk to. He could be happy with him.

“It’s good to see you,” Bucky replied as he pulled the younger into a hug.

They’d known since they were young that they were soulmates. It happened when Bucky first joined the army. As soon as that happened, tally marks started appearing on Steve’s arms. Then, when Steve became Captain America and started fighting, Bucky had marks start to appear. They’d managed to piece it together, but they had a day to think through it before Bucky fell. That had been beyond painful. Steve had just found his soulmate and then he was ripped away. He didn’t think anything could be worse than that pain. He still wasn’t over it, he realised. But Bucky was there, in his arms, safe. They were together again, something they would both forever appreciate.

“I’ve missed you,” Steve whispered quietly, not having the strength to speak any louder.

“I’ve missed you too,” Bucky replied just as quietly, trying his best to stay calm.

Bucky was always scared that Steve would never come back. That he’d either decide that Bucky was too damaged to be worth his time, or he’d get himself killed in a fight. The fact that he still had to worry about the latter amused him, knowing that some things never changed. He wished he didn’t have to worry about that, but there was something comforting in the familiar feelings.

Steve noticed that Bucky was struggling so he held him closer, gently rubbing his back. He hated having to leave his lover alone for so long, but he had no choice. He couldn’t hide away while the team were there. Besides, he was sure that they would kill each other if they were left alone for too long, and Steve had promised Fury that he wouldn’t let that happen. Despite everything, Steve was a man of his word.

“It’s okay. It’s all okay,” Steve said softly, gently swaying with the soldier in his arms. “I won’t leave for so long again, I promise.”

They stayed like that for a while. Steve lost count of the minutes after thirty. He didn’t mind, though. Neither of them did. They were both happy to be there. To be in each other’s arms. To be safe and happy. To not have to worry about people killing them. Well, they did have to worry about that, but they chose not to. They wanted to enjoy the time they had together.

They were interrupted by the oven beeping, making Steve jump. He wasn’t expecting the sound. He was worried that someone was breaking in, but was instantly calmed by Bucky’s laugh.

“It’s the oven, don’t worry.” Bucky smiled amusedly. “Now go sit.”

Steve smiled at Bucky’s words. After coming up from the ice, he didn’t think that the older would get to see the new ovens. That he would get to see the endless food options. That he would be able to cook. But there they were.

“Nope, I want to help,” Steve said, gently moving to hold the others cold hand.

At first, Bucky wouldn’t show his metal arm. Not even to Steve. He wouldn’t let the younger touch it, or even mention it. Now, he was wearing a t-shirt and he was letting Steve hold his metal hand. The progress made Steve ecstatic. Things were getting better.

“Fine, but don’t touch the oven,” Bucky replied amusedly. “My bandage supply still hasn’t recovered from last time.”

——————————————————

Steve has forgotten about the day’s previous events. He’d forgotten about the anger he felt, the rage he wanted to expel. Those feelings had been replaced by a feeling of serenity, of love, of happiness. As he sat across from his soulmate, eating and drinking to their hearts contents... he was beyond ecstatic.

Bucky was proud. For the first time, he’d successfully made a meal and pudding, and he’d gotten a nice bottle of wine. He’d realised that wine was hit or miss, but he’d managed to get a nice bottle and he was proud of that. He felt happy. He was with the person he loved more than anything and he was safe. He was in a place where no one knew where he was, and if he saw people, they didn’t know who he was. He was safe, and he couldn’t thank Steve enough for that.

“Buck, the food is amazing,” Steve said with a smile.

Steve had almost finished his food and was in heaven. He’d appreciated the fact that Bucky had gone through all the effort to do that. He was especially impressed by how good the potatoes were. That was something he would never get over.

“Thank you.” Bucky smiled, clearly proud of his work. “I did learn from the best.”

Steve smiled at the memories. Not long after he’s found Bucky and got him the house, he tried teaching the older to cook. It was a nightmare. Technology scared Bucky after his experience with Hydra, and he wasn’t used to cooking without rations. He wasn’t used to cooking with whatever he wanted. It had taken some time, and a lot of mistakes, but they’d gotten there. Steve couldn’t begin to say how proud he was of his soulmate. He didn’t think there were enough words to do so.

"I wouldn't say I'm the best. Remember the last time I went near the oven?" Steve asked, smiling at the memory.

He remembered going back to the tower, his hand still in bandages. Everyone asked, but he said that he grabbed a knife blade during a fight and it cut deep. Somehow everyone believed him, not even questioning his disdain of cooking for the next few days. He was proud of that. Sure, it hurt, but seeing the smile on Bucky's face as they joked about it, it was completely worth it. The pain was worth it if it brought amusement to Bucky. Thay was the one thing he could always guarantee. Bucky's happiness was worth the world, and he would do anything to see his smile. To make sure that he was happy.

"I was talking about Antoni Porowski," Bucky teased, earning a mock gasp of hurt from Steve. "No, I'm joking. No one can make soup like you. Even if you did almost lose your hand last time."

"It happened one time!" Steve exclaimed, trying to hide his smile by shoving some potato in his mouth.

Steve knew that once was enough for something to stick. The example that always came to mind was how he said language one time and now he wasn't allowed to swear. He put red in with whites one time and he wasn't allowed to do the washing again. Tony still hadn't forgiven him for that, but he still laughed at the memory of the engineer's face when he saw the pink clothing.

"One time was enough!" Bucky laughed fondly. "Cooking soup isn't the same without your screams."

"Damn, maybe that could be our plan for the week," Steve said without thinking.

"Steven Grant Rogers! When did you get so dirty?" Bucky gasped, looking at Steve with a mischievous grin.

Bucky knew that Steve wasn't innocent. He never really had been. Bucky had always been aware of that and was amused by Steve's public image. The soldier was in no way innocent. After all, he'd been in the army. With the things they talked about in the trenches, innocence was something they couldn't remember. Steve was by no means quiet during those conversations, either. He was one of the worst there. The memories were slowly coming back to Bucky, and they were the memories he liked to hold dear.

"I've lived with Tony Stark for a decade. He's starting to rub off on me," Steve replied as he shook his head amusedly.

"Yeah, I saw the news reports of the alien thing. How did that go?" Bucky asked, putting his cutlery down on the plate.

"Tony trusted Loki who is now missing. He gave the two aliens an infinity stone and he went with them," Steve explained.

Steve felt bad about how he reacted, but he couldn't keep brushing Tony's mistakes under the rug. He couldn't keep pretending that everything was fine when they weren't. He wanted nothing more than to get on with the mechanic, but Tony knew exactly how to annoy him. Whether or not he was doing it on purpose, it was working. Had been for a decade.

"Oh, shit." Bucky frowned. "How's Tony holding up?"

"I don't know. I didn't want to risk fighting with him again so I left." Steve shrugged as he stacked the dishes, getting ready to carry them to the kitchen.

"Steve..."

That tone made him stop. He wasn't even looking at his lover but he could practically see the disapproving look he was receiving. Steve knew that he was being too hard on Tony, but what else could he do? Tony didn't know how to behave and it drove the soldier nuts. All the mechanic cared about was work and alcohol. Steve wasn't sure how much more he could take.

"I know! It's just... He's had everything he ever wanted in his life, but nothing's ever enough. He's a spoilt brat and... he's nothing like Howard, he hates the guy, but he was so good. He was a genuinely good guy," Steve explained.

He didn't know much about Tony and Howard's relationship. Tony never talked about him. He did leave whenever the late inventor was mentioned though. That was something the entire team noticed. No one knew why but everyone knew better than to ask.

"To be fair... Howard died when he was young." Bucky shrugged.

Bucky hadn't long remembered about Howard. He remembered the dream vividly, and the more he thought about it, the more he remembered. As soon as he woke up from the nightmare, he phoned Steve, who tried to assure him that it was just a dream, but the more they dug, the more evidence came up to suggest that the Winter Soldier really did kill the two Stark's. Steve promised to keep it a secret. Only him and Bucky knew, and he hoped that it would stay that way.

"Look at us when we were teenagers, though. We knew well enough about how to treat people with respect," Steve said, trying to avoid talking about Howard.

"But he lost both his parents while he was in the public eye. He's never had closure on that." Bucky frowned.

Sure, Bucky didn't know Tony, but he felt awful. He'd killed his parents. Tony had still been successful, but it must've been awful to have lost both parents so young. Bucky couldn't imagine losing his parents. Well, he had, but to have been himself when that happened? He doubted he would've coped. Even at his age. The mechanic was young. He couldn't begin to imagine how it felt. Bucky felt guilty about every death he caused, but knowing that one day he'd meet Tony, knowing that a real-life human was directly affected by his actions... it made everything much more real.

"Buck, that's not your fault," Steve replied softly.

"Who killed them?" Bucky asked, finally looking at his lover.

Steve could see the guilt in the soldier's eyes. It made him feel awful. He knew that there was nothing he could do to make the situation better. He knew that no matter what he did, he could never take Bucky's guilt away. He could never make it easier. Bucky would always be haunted by the actions he was forced to do, and all because Steve couldn't save him. Because Steve wasn't fast enough to save his best friend.

"It wasn't your fault. It wasn't you. You didn't kill them," Steve answered.

"I did. I might not have been in control, but I still did it." Bucky got up, just wanting to leave the situation.

Bucky would never forgive himself for what he did, even if he knew that he wasn't in control. He still did everything. It was still his body and his mind. Sure, his mind wasn't necessarily his, but it was still his mind. He may not have had a choice, but he still killed those people. That would never change.

"But you can't hold yourself accountable because you couldn't stop it."

They'd had this conversation more times than either of them could count. Bucky was always falling into his guilt and Steve wanted to make everything better. They both acknowledged that they'd never agree with each other, that these debates would always go on for as long as they were together, but they were both stubborn enough to not back down from their points. These things always happened, from when they met to now. They were both as stubborn as each other, and it was something that they loved about the other.

"Have you told him?" Bucky asked.

"No."

They'd both agreed that until they knew everything, they wouldn't tell Tony. Steve didn't think that it was ever going to be a good idea to tell the mechanic. He felt bad, but he didn't know what else to do. If they told Tony, they'd run the risk of everything getting worse. They run the risk of Bucky getting hurt, and Steve couldn't risk that.

"Maybe we should," Bucky eventually said, which took Steve by surprise.

"And make things worse?" Steve asked. "Buck, it's too risky. Especially since he's wallowing in self-pity right now."

Steve got up, just wanting to hug the soldier. He knew how guilt could feel but he didn't want Bucky to be controlled by it. He wanted to make sure that Bucky was safe, and if anyone knew that he killed Howard and Maria... he wouldn't be safe.

"He needs to know the truth," Bucky replied softly.

"He knows enough," Steve insisted.

Steve gently wrapped his arms around the soldier, holding him close. Bucky leant into his touch, resting his arms on the hero's shoulders. They'd spent many a night like that. They'd turn some music on and dance the night away. It was always perfect, they both thought.

"He thinks it was an accident," Bucky mumbled.

"It was," Steve replied softly, gently swaying in place with the assassin in his arms.

"Oh, yeah, I accidentally pulled the trigger. Whoops, my finger slipped," Bucky said, looking at Steve with a cocked brow.

"Buck, you know what I mean. Don't be so hard on yourself about this." Steve frowned sadly.

Bucky looked away as he tried to stay calm. He just wanted to apologise to everyone he hurt. To turn back time and stop himself from ever doing what he did. To make sure he died when he fell. He hated how much pain he'd caused. He'd read up what he could about the people he'd killed. They were all good people. People who could've done so much for the world, they could've helped so many people... and he killed them. He didn't even understand why. He didn't understand why Hydra wanted them to die.

"That's one of the few things I remember," Bucky said after a few minutes of silence.

"Do you want to remember anything else?" Steve asked softly.

He couldn't begin to imagine how it would feel to remember doing what Bucky had done. To remember killing all of those people. He couldn't begin to imagine how Bucky felt even just knowing what he did, let alone remembering. Steve wished he could take all of the older's suffering away. To be able to help him through all of it and make sure that he was happy. Then again, he'd seen how much progress Bucky had made. Ever since Bucky dragged him out of the water, to safety, Steve could see how much Bucky had accomplished. He could see his best friend from the thirties again. He could see the person he remembered from before the war. He could see Bucky.

"I want to know what I did," Bucky replied.

"We know what you did," Steve answered softly.

Steve had gone through whatever Shield files he could. Everyone assumed that it was because he was mourning his 'dead' friend. Bucky had been pronounced dead after the helicarrier crashed, so everyone thought that Steve was in mourning. It worked in his favour, luckily. He could access the majority of the Winter Soldier's files, left behind by Hydra. Everything worked out, somehow.

"But how can we be sure? What if there was more? What if there were things that weren't caught on camera?" Bucky asked, looking at Steve again.

"Hydra documented everything. We've got all the information we can from those accounts and camera footage," Steve replied softly, moving his hand to cup the older's cheek. "We know everything that we could possibly know."

"I just- you don't understand," Bucky said with a frown, looking away from the Avenger. 

"You're right," Steve replied. "I don't, and I probably never will, but I will never stop supporting you. I won't ever leave your side. I'll always be here, Buck, and even if I don't understand, I'll always be here to help."

Bucky looked at Steve again and smiled sadly. He thought that he would never get Steve. When they realised that they were soulmates, he didn't think he was good enough for the soldier. That he'd only corrupt the hero. That was before he was taken by Hydra. He remembered the first time he heard about Captain America when he was with Hydra. When the news broke that Captain America had been dug out of the ice. How it was a rule that he could never have a mission on July fourth. How he reacted after the news of Captain America joining the Avengers. How he reacted when he and Steve finally met again. He remembered those moments clearly because the thought of Steve was enough to break him out of their control. Even when Steve wasn't aware of it, he was helping Bucky. So now to have the hero by his side... it all felt too good to be true. 

"Thanks, Stevie. I really appreciate it. I just- I want to know who I hurt," Bucky explained, looking at the Avenger with a sad smile. 

"I know, and hopefully one day you will." 

Steve meant that. He wanted Bucky to be at peace, and he knew that the only way he could achieve that was to get the answers he so desperately wanted. He wanted to give it all to the assassin, to be able to provide him with all the information he needed, but he couldn't. He could only be by his side and support him through everything. He would never leave the side of the assassin, and that was a promise. Both to himself and to Bucky.

"Stevie?" Bucky asked after a few silent minutes passed. 

"Mhm?" Steve asked in reply, still swaying with the assassin in his arms. 

"I think I'm ready to move in with you..."

And just like that, his day was perfect.


	16. 16. I Miss The Days When I Was Young and Naive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think there are any TWs in this but if I’ve missed any please let me know!
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos it means the world to me!! 
> 
> Stay safe and be you, and enjoy this chapter x

Thor didn't know what to think. Everything he knew was a lie. His 'brother' had given a stone to the enemy and blatantly betrayed them. They'd trusted him and he went against them. Now there's a chance he isn't even Aesir? He hoped that it wasn't true. With all of the information he had and piecing together the timeline, he had a few fair guesses on what Loki was. He hoped it wasn't true. He hoped and prayed to Valhalla that it wasn't true. Not just for him but for Loki.

He'd taken to hiding in his room. He wanted to be alone. After Steve left, he followed suit and decided to take some time for himself. He felt bad, but he didn't want to snap at anyone. After all, as much as the team wanted to blame Tony, they'd all decided to trust Loki. They were all to blame. He remembered when they were teenagers. Him, the Warriors Three, Sif and Loki decided to go hunting. It wasn't long after Loki started acting out. He was doing drugs, supplying said drugs to others, he was sleeping around, he was doing anything to get a reaction out of Odin. The Allfather wanted Thor to look after Loki, to make sure he didn't do anything bad, so Loki had to join them hunting. Not even an hour in, Loki had thrown a tantrum and stranded them in the woods without a map to find the way home. Loki was never trustworthy, he realised. He had never been trustworthy. He was a fool to think he could change. After all, it was in his blood.

The god wasn't stupid. He'd noticed the change in Loki since they went to Jotunheim. He thought that it was just because Odin went into Odinsleep. Then when he fell from the Bifrost, when Thor asked for answers he was just told that Loki 'freaked out' because he was adopted. That was all he was told. Now everything made sense. Now everything was falling into place. Everything was making sense and he hated it, but he finally had answers. He finally knew what was going on.

He remembered Bruce trying to reason with him, saying that maybe Loki isn't that bad. That maybe he was misunderstood. Thor was beginning to believe that. How naive were they all? They were all fooled by the trickster. Bruce tried to help. He only ever tried to help. Thor couldn't thank the scientist enough for that. He would always do what was right, and as much as Thor appreciated the sentiment, Bruce chose to see the good in people. He wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt. He admired that, though it didn't work. Especially when it came to Loki.

The god was pulled out of his thoughts by his door opening, revealing the scientist. He'd brought a plate of pop-tarts, which made Thor smile. They had a joke between them, how Thor would only stay on earth as long as they had pop-tarts. It was a joke that came about a few years ago, but it always cheered the god up. Bruce smiled at the reaction he got and sat next to the warrior on the bed. He wanted to help but he wasn't sure how. He wanted to be able to make everything better, but how? He was at a loss for what to do, but he would still try.

"I'm sorry," Bruce said quietly. "I should've listened to you. You know your brother better than I do."

Bruce felt bad. He'd told the god to trust his brother. That nothing bad would happen. That it would make everything better. Sure, that didn't work when Loki threatened him, that had caused more problems than they would've liked, but they still trusted Loki enough for him to stay on earth. Bruce could see how much his love was hurting and he wanted to help, he just didn't know how. He wanted to take the pain away but there wasn't a way for him to do that. He wanted to make everything better for his soulmate, but how?

"Don't be sorry. You didn't do anything," Thor replied as he wrapped an arm around his soulmate.

Thor had always been told that there was nothing to worry about. He hadn't started showing the markings until fifteen years prior. He assumed his soulmate would be Asgardian. All of his friends had markings from an early age. He didn't. He was beginning to worry that he didn't have a soulmate. He wasn't expecting to find his soulmate on Midgard, especially once he realised that his soulmate was Bruce. He didn't know how to feel. Then they danced together. They spent a night together, and Thor didn't expect to fall for the human so fast. It had been just over a week, and Thor had fallen hard. He didn't know if the human felt the same, but he was in love.

"You're hurt," Bruce mentioned.

"Aren't we all? Being confined by bricks is rather painful." Thor tried to avoid what Bruce was talking about.

Thor didn't want to talk about it. Everything hurt, both physically and mentally. He just wanted to watch a movie and eat Pop-Tarts with his soulmate. He didn't want to think about possible wars, his family, the team that seemed to be in trouble. No. He just wanted to relax and have fun.

"I didn't mean physically, Thor," Bruce noted as he looked up at the god.

"I'm fine," Thor replied sharply.

Bruce gave Thor a knowing look, receiving a sigh from the god in reply. Bruce could tell by his tone alone that he wasn't fine. He hadn't seen the god so upset. Thor was there for him whenever he was upset, whenever he was struggling. Thor always seemed to know what to do. He always made it seem easy. How did he do that? How did he make acknowledging pain easy? He was beginning to wish he'd taken up a PhD in psychology too. That was beginning to look like it would come in handy.

"You can tell me the truth," Bruce said softly.

"I am." Thor frowned.

"You don't have to be the Mighty Thor around me, love. You can be yourself," Bruce replied softly.

Thor hesitated. He knew that Bruce was telling the truth. He knew he could trust the scientist. He just didn't want to burden him. Then again, he knew how persistent the hero could be at times. He knew that no matter how much he tried to avoid saying how he felt, but he knew that the scientist would give him that look that would make him melt and reveal all of his darkest secrets. The scientist had the god wrapped around his finger, and they both knew it. Then again, they wouldn't have it any other way. Thor loved it, he loved the human, and he appreciated the fact he cared. He just didn't know how to talk openly about emotions.

"I'm disappointed but I'm not surprised," Thor eventually said.

Success, Bruce thought. He'd gotten the god to open up. Even if it was only a little bit, it was progress. Thor had admitted to feeling a negative emotion. Even though Thor always spoke highly of Odin, Bruce could see the damage done to both kids. Loki... was beyond words. Odin had a lot to answer for, Bruce thought, and he knew there was more to it than what he knew. And Thor... Thor wouldn't let himself feel any negative emotion. He wouldn't let himself cry. He wouldn't let himself be vulnerable, because Odin never let him. Bruce couldn't believe how Odin was ever allowed to be a father. Both of his children were facing issues because of him. Even though Bruce knew that the Allfather could end up being his father-in-law, he would never respect him. He may be a good king, but that didn't make him a good father.

"How come?" Bruce asked softly.

"This is what Loki does," Thor explained. "I trust him, he betrays me, and we always go in circles. He's not changed. He's the god of mischief, and it seems that that's all he'll ever be."

Thor didn't know how he didn't see it coming. Loki would do anything as long as it meant he'd be victorious in some way. He didn't think he had a chance at winning against Thanos, so he joined him. It was predictable at that point, Thor thought. He wished that the trickster would learn, that he would be a good person, but he knew that that would never happen. That Loki was trapped in his identity, and that there'd never be a change.

"It's not too late," Bruce pointed out.

Thor had changed. Steve had changed. Natasha had changed. Tony had changed. So in that sense, it probably wasn't too late for Loki to change. Especially if he was finally being shown love, but Bruce didn't say that out loud. He told Tony that he would keep it a secret, so he would. It wasn't his place to tell anyone anyway. Loki was finally being shown love, so maybe that could lead to change, the scientist thought. Sure, both Thor and Loki had Frigga, and Bruce respected her. She did what she could to show them both equal love, she pushed them to do better, to acknowledge and show emotions, no matter what they were. She cared for both of them greatly and equally, but not even she could stop Odin from affecting them so much. So Bruce was hoping that Tony could help open the doors for Loki to change.

"For him, I fear it may be." Thor frowned.

"We can change whenever we want," Bruce pointed out.

"Yet he doesn't seem to want to. It seems he's happy to hurt everyone who gets close to him as long as it means he's on top."

A classic example was Sakaar, Thor thought. Loki had the option of fucking his way to the top, so that's what the trickster did. He slept with everyone, he did whatever he wanted and whatever the Grandmaster asked him to do. Loki did everything he could to get to the top, and he did it. He was close to the Grandmaster, even acted as his advisor for a while. Thor didn't understand why that was something Loki wanted, or why Loki loved Sakaar so much. He didn't see the appeal. He never had.

"So what are you going to do?" The scientist asked softly.

"I don't know," Thor replied.

"What do you want to do?" Bruce questioned.

"Distance myself from him until he changes," Thor answered with minimal hesitation.

Bruce knew that that would never happen. Thor thought too much of Loki to ever do that. Bruce knew that as soon as they found Loki, Thor would give him a lecture before forgiving him and trying to change him. The scientist knew Thor well enough to know that he could be predictable at times. That was something Bruce loved about the god. He never gave up, even if everything was telling him to, he never did.

"He cares about you," Bruce said after a while.

"He has a peculiar way of showing it." Thor couldn't help but chuckle at the scientist's words.

"He threatened me with a knife to make sure that I didn't hurt you. He might not show it, but he cares," Bruce replied softly.

"He shouldn't have threatened you with a knife!" Thor exclaimed.

Thor was right, Bruce knew. Loki shouldn't have done that, but he could tell that the god was worried. He didn't want his brother to get hurt. Even though Bruce was annoyed by the trickster's actions, once he'd calmed down he appreciated the sentiment. He felt bad about what he said in reply, but they were both worried about Thor. They both wanted the best for the Avenger, and they were just looking out for him. Bruce saw that then.

"I know, love, but I think that that's his way of caring." Bruce sighed sadly.

Bruce gently held the god's free hand and looked up at him, giving him a small smile. Thor returned the smile, but it was clear that he was sad. He looked almost defeated. Bruce gently reached up and kissed his cheek, earning a brief smile of happiness from the god before he looked away, sadness plaguing his features once more.

"I just... I want my brother back."

Those words broke Bruce's heart. He couldn't imagine how Thor felt. He couldn't begin to picture how the god felt about the entire situation, but he wasn't ever going to leave his side. He was going to help Thor throughout it all, no matter what it cost. He wanted the god to be happy. He wanted to take the pain away from the god and show him that things would be okay. That everything could be okay as long as they tried. Bruce wasn't going to give up on the warrior. No matter how hard it got. He would always be by Thor's side. Until death do them part.

"I know. Thing's will work out, I promise," Bruce said in reply, hoping that the god would see his sincerity.

Thor looked at the scientist and smiled. He knew that Bruce was sincere in his promise. He knew that he'd always be there to help, and he truly appreciated it. He loved the human more than anything, and he could never express that. He could never express just how grateful he was for the scientist. He was beyond ecstatic that he had his soulmate in his life and that his soulmate was just so perfect. Bruce had his faults, but to Thor, he was perfect. He was perfect for Thor. The god couldn't help but grin as he held the scientist closer.

"I love you," The god admitted with a giddy smile.

"I love you too," Bruce replied. He pressed a gentle kiss to the gods' lips before he put the plate down. "Right! Movie time!"

At that moment, Thor couldn't help but think that things would be okay.

\----------------------------

Tony flinched at the noise brought by the glass hitting the counter, not noticing how fast he put it down. He'd spent almost every night at the bar, drinking away his feelings. He was occasionally joined by the odd house-mate. Sometimes it was Thor, sometimes it was Bucky. He didn't know what to expect when Steve asked if Bucky could move in. The soldier said that when on a mission he found Bucky and wanted to give him somewhere safe to stay. Of course, Tony didn't hesitate to say yes. He knew how much the assassin meant to Steve, so why would he hesitate? He seemed nice enough, anyway. The ex-soldier mainly stuck to his room and Tony stuck to his lab, so they didn't see each other often. They only crossed paths when they drank.

Tony had had more than enough time to acknowledge his feelings and move on. He'd had a year and two months, to be exact. Had he moved on? No. That wasn't the Tony Stark way. The Tony Stark way was to drink himself into oblivion as he buried himself in a project and somehow not die. Well, he had to thank Bruce for the not dying part. The doctor did a good job of keeping him alive. He'd made sure that the mechanic ate, drank water, slept, the whole lot. Bruce had been looking after both Thor and Tony. He didn't mind. He wanted them both to be safe, but he didn't know how much longer he could do it for. Tony heard footsteps behind him, but he ignored them. He couldn't find it in him to care. 

"Tony? It's a bit early, isn't it?" Steve asked softly.

Steve knew what time of year it was. He'd been around the mechanic long enough to know that this time of year, he got a lot worse. He didn't want Bucky to know. After all, if Bucky noticed, he'd instantly know why and then they'd risk Tony finding out. No. He just had to mourn peacefully. He had to carry on thinking it was an accident. There was nothing else they could do. 

"I'm fine, Cap," Tony replied, swirling around on his barstool to face the soldier. "What's up?"

Everyone knew that Tony was struggling but no one could tell why. They all assumed it was because of Loki, but none of them knew why. Well, Bruce knew and Natasha had her suspicions. Otherwise, no one knew. They assumed that Tony took it personally that Loki double-crossed them. Tony never told them. He didn't want anyone to know. He didn't want them to know that Loki was his soulmate. No, that would be too much. They all assumed that the god was dead. They hadn't seen any activity from him, so that was the only explanation they could offer. 

"Well... we're going to watch a movie. Thought you might like to join," Steve said with a small smile. "It's not an offer, by the way. You're coming."

Tony chuckled as he got up, finishing his glass as he did. He didn't want to go, but he knew that the soldier was strong enough to carry him, and he didn't really want that. He had legs, he'd rather use them. He followed Steve down to the movie room, seeing everyone else waiting there already. Tony sat down on an armchair not too far from the two-seater holding Thor and Bruce. Natasha and Clint were on separate armchairs and Bucky and Steve were cuddling on a two-seater. It didn't take long before they all figured out that Steve and Bucky were together. It gave Tony more of a reason to ignore them. Why would he want to spend time with happy soulmates when he'd just lost his?

Steve pressed play and the movie began. Hocus Pocus. Tony snorted once he recognised the movie. He remembered when it came out. He hadn't left his workshop in days, so Peggy dragged him out. They went out for food before they went to watch the movie. It was a nice day. He remembered it well. It was one of the few days around that time he could remember enjoying. He missed Peggy and Jarvis. They were better parents to him than Maria and Howard were. He wished that things were different. That his parents and Jarvis didn't die in that crash. That they could've played happy family a bit longer. It was nine days until the anniversary. It never got easier, Tony found. Then again, what was ever easy? Tony didn't watch the movie. He was too deep in thought. Well, he was, until he felt a small burn on his shoulder. He gasped in shock at the pain, drawing everyone's attention.

"Tony? Are you okay?" Bruce asked worriedly, leaning forwards, ready to go to him.

Tony moved a hand to his shoulder, feeling nothing there. That's when he realised what the pain was. Why it was familiar. Why it brought him a small amount of joy. Everything would be okay. He'd stopped searching, thinking it useless. That he wouldn't get anywhere. That the god was probably dead. But no. That pain solidified that they were wrong. That their assumptions were wrong.

"He's alive-" Tony grinned. 

"Who?" Steve asked, clearly confused.

Tony hesitated. He shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have said anything. What could he say? How could he cover for it? What lie could he possibly come up with that would cover for that small outburst? He was fucked. He'd have to tell the truth. He had no choice. Why was he so reckless? 

"Loki," Tony hesitantly admitted.

"How do you know?" Thor asked immediately, seeming concerned.

"He just killed someone," Tony replied quietly.

Steve paused the movie, knowing that they'd have to have an in-depth conversation about it. Natasha smirked amusedly, her whole demeanour screaming cocky. Tony ignored her, not wanting her to say about how she 'called it'. He didn't even want them to know. Thor hesitated, finally twigging onto what Tony was saying. Everyone had. 

"So that's how you were getting information?" Clint asked, seeming confused.

"Yeah. We got close. He trusted me to tell me things and I... used that to my advantage," Tony explained quietly. "He.... he was different. That's why I trusted him. He was himself. He opened up to me. That's why I trusted him."

"Because you loved him," Steve said quietly, making Tony look at him.

"Yeah," Tony replied after a few seconds. "I loved him. I still do. I just hope he has a good reason for doing what he did."

Everyone went quiet, unsure of how to deal with the new information. Bruce shot Tony a small smile, but he shook his head. He wanted to be happy that Loki was alive, but he felt three more burns on his shoulder. He wondered how there was still room there. He was glad that the god was alive, but he didn't know who Loki was killing. Whether they were good people or bad. He desperately hoped that they were bad. He wanted to believe that the god was still a good person. He just didn't know.

"Tony... things will work out. He'll come back, no doubt about it." Steve tried to help. Tony chuckled softly and shook his head. 

"Always have been the optimist, Cap," Tony said as he stood up. "Enjoy the rest of the movie. See you guys in the morning."

Tony didn't waste any time before he walked out of the room. He didn't want to be there. He wanted to be alone with the bar. Knowing that Loki was alive threw his plans. Everything got far, far worse and he didn't know how to cope. How could things possibly get worse? As soon as he reached the bar, he grabbed a bottle of whiskey and started drinking immediately. He didn't want to waste any time. He just wanted to drink himself into oblivion. What oblivion was, he didn't know. As long as he wasn't aware of what was going on, he was happy. He wanted nothing more than to forget about everything. He didn't want to do it anymore, but he needed to protect the world. He had to stick around. He needed to finish the reactor. He was about to grab another bottle before he heard a thump out on the platform. He pressed his watch, feeling the nanotech glove cover his hand. He tried peeking out but it was too dark to see anything. 

"Jarvis, who's there?" Tony asked, slowly inching closer to the window to see who was there. He was almost at the door when Jarvis replied.

"It appears to be Loki, sir."

Looks like things could definitely get worse.


	17. 17. You Will Be Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW- mentions of torture! Brief description of chapter in the end notes! Stay safe x

Loki didn’t know where he was. He saw an opportunity to leave and he took it. He was drained. He could barely keep his eyes open. Everything hurt and with each passing breath the pain only grew. He didn’t know where the tesseract had taken him. He just opened a portal and hoped for the best. He could hear footsteps getting closer but that was the least of his worries. He just needed to get away. He needed to find somewhere safe. He wasn’t safe and he didn’t know where safety was. Where could he go? He could probably push it to Jotunheim, but would they want to see their prince hurt and weak? No. That wouldn’t work.

The god opened his eyes, looking around the city he instantly recognised. He looked down at the floor and inwardly groaned. The universe really hated him, he thought. Why else would he be on earth? In the avengers tower? He put an illusion up to hide his injuries and looked behind him, seeing Tony walk towards him.

If he had the strength, he’d feel annoyed. He’d feel angry. He’d acknowledge the betrayal he felt from that day. He trusted the human and he got hurt because of it. Why would he trust him again? Why would he make the mistakes over and over again? He’d tried to figure out how he went wrong. He was vulnerable and Tony took advantage of that. His soulmate took advantage of his vulnerability and that hurt. He loved Tony. He didn’t want to, but he’d never stopped loving the human. He hated it. He wanted to move on. He wanted to hate him. He wanted to be alone.

“Lokes?” Tony asked, getting closer to the god who slowly got up, the tesseract being left on the floor.

Tony didn’t know how to feel. After over a year of waiting, Loki was back. With the tesseract. Tony wasn’t expecting that, but he decided to think of it as a plus. The god brought a stone back. He couldn’t have been bad.

“I didn’t mean to land here,” Loki replied, though he tried to keep his voice strong, it was strained by pain and exhaustion. “Give me a minute to regain some energy and I’ll move along. I apologise for intruding.”

Tony didn’t know what to think. Why did Loki want to leave? Wouldn’t he want to stay? Didn’t he want to be with Tony? Wasn’t the human good enough? Tony pushes those thoughts away as he moved closer to the god, making sure to keep an eye on the tesseract on the floor.

“No, don’t be sorry. I’m glad you’re here,” Tony said softly. “Are you okay?”

“Perfectly fine,” Loki answered sharply.

Tony knew he wasn’t. He hated the fact that the god felt he had to lie. Why? Why didn’t he trust the mechanic? Tony felt awful. He didn’t know how to feel. He couldn’t process anything that was going on, but he put that down to the alcohol. Everything felt like a dream.

“Jarvis, run scans on Loki for any injuries,” Tony told the AI.

“Stark, that’s truly unnecessary,” Loki replied.

He didn’t want Tony to know. That’s why he couldn’t go to Sakaar. He didn’t want En to see him like that. He had to patch himself up. He couldn’t have anyone else to help him or to see what had happened.

“It seems that Mr. Laufeyson has multiple burns, stab wounds and broken bones. Medical assistance is advised,” Jarvis said.

Loki let out a breath of relief as the AI stopped. He didn’t say the full list of injuries. Why? He didn’t know, but he appreciated it. He just wanted to take care of himself alone. He looked at the human and saw that he looked concerned. Why? Was it all an act to get the god to trust him again? No. He wouldn’t fool for it again.

“Lokes, come inside. I’ll get Bruce to check you over.” Tony went to hold the God’s hand, but he moved away.

“No. I will deal with this myself. Thank you for the offer, though I’m alright to deal with it on my own,” Loki replied as he grabbed the tesseract, getting ready to leave.

“Kitten, talk to me. What’s going on?” Tony asked.

He didn’t know why Loki was acting so harshly towards him. He wanted to help but he wasn’t being allowed. Was this how the team felt towards him? It was annoying. He’d have to apologise to them, he thought.

“Why? So you can tell the rest of your team?” Loki questioned, letting his emotions get the best of him.

Tony stopped. He looked at the god, who stared back emotionlessly. That made sense. Of course Loki knew. That’s why he left. That’s why he was annoyed. Tony felt the guilt suffocate him. He couldn’t believe he’d done that. He couldn’t believe Loki knew.

“I’m sorry.” Tony frowned. “I just... the first time you told me something I relayed the information but then we got close and... I couldn’t stop. I wanted to make a better world. I shouldn’t have told them everything you told me. I should’ve kept your secrets. There’s no excuse. I’ve regretted it since I first did it. I do genuinely feel awful. And I know you’ll never trust me again, and I deserve that, and I’m so sorry, I can’t begin to explain how sorry I am, but... let me take care of you. Please. Stay here until you feel better, then do whatever you want. Leave. You don’t have to see me ever again if you don’t want to, but please... let me help you.”

Loki hesitated. He knew that the more he moved the longer it would take for him to heal. He knew that his best bet would be to stay with Tony, but he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to risk falling in love with the human again. He didn’t think he’d ever fallen out of love, but he’d pushed the feelings away enough to ignore them. He didn’t want to feel them again.

“Fine,” Loki replied sharply. “Only until I’m in better. I’ll continue on my own once a week passes.”

Tony smiled sadly and gently took the god’s hand, grateful that he didn’t pull away this time. He led the trickster inside, ignoring the tesseract’s disappearance. He knew Loki had it. He trusted that he wouldn’t use it. After all, he was the reason Loki went with Thanos. He’d messed everything up, and he had a week to fix it. He gestured for Loki to sit down on the sofa, and the god hesitantly listened. Tony grabbed the first aid kit from behind the bar and mixed some salt water to clean some wounds. He sat in front of the god, putting everything to his side.

“Show yourself, love. I can’t patch anything up if I don’t know where they are,” Tony said softly, gently rubbing the God’s knee.

Loki didn’t want to. He didn’t want to give Tony the satisfaction of seeing him. He didn’t want to trust Tony enough to see him. He thought for a few seconds before he realised that it was his only choice. He broke the illusion, looking away as he did.

Tony couldn’t help but gasp as he saw the state of the god. Thin, scarily thin. Pale, like a piece of paper. He had bruises and faint burns on his neck, some going up to his jaw. His mouth was sewn shut, possibly the part that hurt Tony the most. He tried to get the God’s shirt off, only to be stopped by his hand. He looked at Loki, giving him -the- look, which subsequently led to Loki letting him. He took the gods shirt off and bit his lip when he saw the amount of burns and cuts along his body. He felt awful. This was all his fault, he thought. He was to blame. He went to take Loki’s hand but stopped when he saw metal. He looked at his am, seeing that it was mainly metal. Still bits of skin, but interrupted by metal. That went up to his neck, reaching his jaw and behind his ear. Tony couldn’t stop the year that rolled down his cheek as he clutched Loki’s hand, unable to stop the tears that kept falling.

“I’m so sorry,” Tony said quietly. He was overwhelmed by emotions. He’d been sobered up and now he had to confront how he felt, and he just wanted to cry. He sniffled quietly, straightening his back as he did. He tried to calm himself down before he carried on. “Any down your legs?”

“No,” he heard Loki’s voice reply from his side. He looked over and saw an illusion of Loki, uninjured, a couple feet away from him. “No, nothing. I’m being truthful.”

Tony nodded and started cleaning some of the cuts, trying to avoid the burns. He didn’t know how to deal with them. He took his time, trying not to aggravate any of the injuries. He saw Loki tense every now and then, but he didn’t make a noise. Well, it was hard for him to. Once the cuts were clean, he got up and grabbed a pair of scissors. He was dreading that part, but he didn’t have a choice. He had to do it.

“I’m sorry if this hurts,” Tony said before he cut the first thread. He felt Loki flinch away, making his heart stop. He hated hurting him, but he had to. “How long have they been in for?” He asked, referencing the stitches.

“I’m unsure. My best guess is three days,” The illusion replied.

Tony nodded and carried on, trying to be as gentle possible. Any time Loki showed any sign of pain, he apologised. He never got a reply, though. Not even from the illusion. He knew he didn’t need one, though. Once the stitches were out, he gently wiped the blood away and sat back, trying to think.

“How’s the magic situation?” Tony asked.

“Weak. It’s not strong enough to quicken my healing,” the illusion replied, making him look at Loki curiously. “It hurts to talk.”

Tony gently held the gods hand, and to his surprise, he wasn’t pushed away. He felt the trickster gently squeezed his hand, as if to comfort him. Tony was a mess and he was sure it was obvious to see, but it was all his doing, he thought.

“Water?” He asked, earning a nod in reply.

The mechanic got up and went to the bar, grabbing a bottle of water. He opened it for the god before he walked over to him. He looked so weak, so frail. It hurt to see him in that state. Tony handed him the bottle and Loki took a sip, grateful for the water. Tony knew that the god was probably dehydrated, so he made a mental note to keep an eye on it.

“Thank you,” Loki said, the illusion disappearing.

Tony smiled softly and gently took the gods hand, glad to see that he wasn’t pushed away. He inspected the hand, seeing the metal going through three fingers, just the top, leaving the palm as is. Tony didn’t understand the placements of the metal. It was in Loki’s skin, there was nothing they could do to get it out. It was a part of the god now. Tony just didn’t understand why it was only in parts of him. Sure, it was better than the whole area being replaced with metal, but Tony found it peculiar.

“Okay. I think you might need some stitches. I don’t even know how to deal with burns,” Tony said with a small frown. He felt useless. “What’s going on with the metal?”

Loki hesitated, but hid it by drinking. Tony caught on, but didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say. He couldn’t blame the god for not wanting to talk about it. Tony didn’t want to talk about Afghanistan, so he understood. He hated even thinking about it.

“It’s for losing,” Loki eventually replied. “It’s something that the Titan does. For a fight lost, a body part is replaced with robotics. I was fortunate. I didn’t lose a body part, though I did gain robotics. I’ve not had an opportunity to see what they’ve changed.”

Tony looked at the god before he gently kissed his hand, the god looking at him confusedly. He wasn’t expecting Tony to do that. He wasn’t expecting the mechanic to be okay with the metal in his body.

“I’m sorry. This whole situation is... it’s fucked. But I’m here to help,” Tony said softly. “How’s your back?”

Loki hesitated before he got up and turned around, revealing the numerous cuts and burns on his back. Even some more robotics. They were all connected, Tony noticed. It was all one continuous piece, but it went down to his ribs. Tony gently touched it, making Loki flinch away. at least he had feeling there. He cleaned the cuts, noticing some of them were deep. He knew he’d have to call for help. Loki noticed Tony hesitate and he frowned.

“What? Are you going to spread the news to your friends?” Loki asked, the hurt clear in his voice.

“Lokes, no,” Tony replied instantly. “I just... I’m not a doctor. This isn’t something I can do. I think I need to call Bruce.”

Loki immediately moved away, turning to look at the human. He saw that Tony looked genuinely guilty but he ignored that. He didn’t want to risk trusting him again. He couldn’t.

“No. I believe we’re done,” Loki said, watching the human.

Tony knew that he’d pushed too far. Of course, the god didn’t trust him or Bruce. They’d done nothing to earn his trust. He felt awful, but he knew that Bruce was the best person to look over Loki’s injuries. Tony just couldn’t do it. He saw the god turn to leave before his mind raced with ideas. How could he get the god to trust him?

“I’m scared of water-“ Tony blurted, causing the god to stop. “Can’t go near it. Showers are fine as long as the water doesn’t touch my head. I... I drink as a way to distance myself from reality... it’s coming up to a year since my parents and butler died... my butler, Jarvis, and my father’s friend, Peggy, they were more like parents to me than my actual parents. Jarvis’ death hurt more than my parents did. Peggy died a couple years ago and I couldn’t go to her funeral. That’s one of my biggest regrets. She was like a mother to me and I didn’t get to say goodbye. I want the reactor out but I don’t want to risk losing the suit. My father cared more about Captain America than he did me. My favourite Disney princess is Rapunzel. And... my favourite colour is green.”

Loki thought over all of the information. Tony was trusting him and telling him some private things. He was trying to earn his trust. Obvious tactic, but it did help. Loki did appreciate the sentiment. After a few moments of thinking over the information, he turned around. He had information personal to Tony. He knew that they were even.

“Fine. Though he mustn’t speak a word of this to anyone,” Loki replied.

Tony smiled and sent a text to Bruce, not wanting to risk anyone else overhearing if Jarvis called. He got a thumbs up in reply. He put his phone down and turned back to Loki, who looked so frail. Tony didn’t know what to think. He felt awful, knowing that his actions drove Loki to Thanos.

“I’m sorry,” Tony said. “I shouldn’t have told them. I shouldn’t have done that to you. And I know that no amount of apologising is going to fix it. I just... I want you to know that I’m genuinely sorry. I just wish I could go back and stop myself. Maybe then you’d be okay.”

Loki frowned and took a step towards Tony, taking the mechanics hands in his. He felt awful that the human felt that way.

“Anthony, what you did hurt, yes. Though you aren’t the reason I went with Maw and the Other,” Loki replied softly. “I would’ve gone anyway. I had no choice. If I’d have fought then you all would be dead. I had to go willingly if I wanted you all alive. I had to offer them a peace offering to guarantee your survival.”

“Was it worth it?” Tony asked.

“Yes,” Loki answered softly. “If all of you were dead, who would protect Midgard? Besides, I retrieved the stone.”

Tony looked at the god with a grin. Tony couldn’t believe how fantastic the trickster was, in his eyes. He couldn’t believe how unpredictable the god was.

“You’re fucking brilliant, you know that?” Tony asked with a manic grin.

Loki was about to reply but was interrupted by Bruce’s entrance. Bruce wasn’t sure why Tony wanted him, he’d just been told that there was an emergency. When he saw the state of the god he froze, not expecting that. He wasn’t expecting Loki at all, but especially not in that state.

“What happened?” Bruce asked as he walked towards the pair.

Loki stepped away from the mechanic, aware of the added person in the room. He didn’t want Bruce to see him like that, but what choice did he have? He needed everything to heal as quickly as possible, and he couldn’t do that alone.

“Thanos happened,” Tony replied. “I need help to patch him up.”

“Yeah, yeah, absolutely,” Bruce answered, looking over the god. “Probably better to do it in my lab.”

“Then let’s not waste any time,” Loki said as he walked towards the lift.

Tony chuckled and followed. He was glad that some things never changed.

————————————————

It was deafeningly silent in Bruce’s lab. No one said a word as the doctor stitched and bandaged Loki up. The god was unnervingly silent the whole time, Tony noticed. It was worrying.

“You know, we’ve got a new guy. His name’s Bucky. Think you two would get along pretty well,” Tony told Loki, earning a small chuckle from Bruce. “Birds of a feather, as they say.” 

Loki looked at Tony, clearly unimpressed. He didn’t know who Bucky was, so he didn’t get the joke. Loki just wanted out. He wanted to go home. He didn’t know where home was. He didn’t have one, but he wanted one. He wanted one more than anything. He was simply lost. Him and En always joked that that was why he was drawn to Sakaar. ‘A home for lost and unloved things’. That’s what Loki was. Lost and unloved. He’d never be anything different.

“Tony, that was mean,” Bruce replied amusedly.

“Meh. I think he can take it. We have the same humour.” Tony smiled, watching the god.

Tony sighed when the trickster didn’t react. He didn’t know what to do. He just wanted to make the god smile. He wanted to do something to cheer him up. Sure, he wasn’t in the best position, but the god deserved to be happy. He wanted everything to be okay.

Bruce carried on patching Loki up. He couldn’t imagine how much pain the god was in. He didn’t know how a person could withstand that much pain. Once everything was done, he pulled a holographic screen up with a scan of the gods body.

“Couple broken ribs but they’ll sort themselves as long as you rest,” Bruce explained as he examined the scan. “Are you meant to be that cold?” 

Thor had opened up to Bruce over the year. The god had told him that Loki was a Jotun. Frost Giant. The warrior had gone to Asgard shortly after Loki left to get confirmation, and it turned out he was right. Bruce knew that Loki was meant to be that cold, but he wanted confirmation.

“Yes. It’s perfectly normal,” Loki replied, clear pain in his voice.

Tony frowned and gently held the gods hand. The trickster finally looked at him, making the mechanic smile. He knew that Loki wasn’t okay, and he doubted he would be for a while. He’d always be there, though. He’d always be there to help him. 

“Then it looks like you’ll be fine with some nourishment and rest,” Bruce said with a small smile. “Just make sure you take it easy.”

Bruce put the equipment away before he left the room, saying a small goodnight as he did. Tony looked at the god sat on the medical bed, wishing he’d look back at him. He sat down next to him and gently wrapped his arm around the trickster, finding comfort in the cold. The mechanic held his soulmate close, hoping to help, at least a little. He didn’t know how to cope. Everything was happening at once and not that Tony would ever show it, but he felt as if he was drowning and there was no escape. He wanted to be better, but he couldn’t. No matter what happened, he was never enough. He could never be good enough. He could never be better. It was the Stark curse, he supposed.

“You’re too hard on yourself,” Loki told the mechanic, making him look at the god confusedly. “You’re a fantastic person, Anthony. Best I’ve ever met. You’re truly a hero, even I can see that. You’re everything Midgard needs to succeed. You’re good enough, Anthony. You truly are. It confuses me how you don’t see that. You truly deserve better. If someone says you’re not good enough for them, believe that it’s the other way around. You’re far too good for humanity. You’re too good for me, even. You deserve far better than what you’ve been given. I just wish you’d see that.”

Tony looked at the trickster in shock. How would he know that? How would he know to say any of that at that specific time? But why did the god seem sincere in his words? Why did he want to believe him.

“Wha-“ Tony began to ask, but was interrupted by the god.

“Telepathic as long as I have contact with the person. I usually use my seidr to stop it, though... I need to regain my strength in order to do that,” Loki explained, finally looking at the mechanic. “Believe my words, Anthony. You truly are enough. I wouldn’t lie to you.” 

Tony looked at the god worriedly. He should move away. He shouldn’t trust the god. He could be lying. Every word he said could be lies. Then again, he trusted the god. Did he? Or was he so desperate for love that he would do anything he could to earn it? He looked at Loki and he instantly knew the answer. He knew that he could trust the god, no matter what. 

“Thank you,” Tony replied with a soft smile. “I... I honestly don’t know where I’d be without you.”

“Well, you wouldn’t have nightmares, for starters. You’d still be engaged. You-“

“I’d be dead. Alcohol poisoning,” Tony interrupted. “Yeah, what happened ruined a lot of things for me, but it opened my eyes. The world needs heroes. I won’t stop until the world can survive without me. I either die in battle or not at all.”

Loki smiled sadly and gently kissed the human’s cheek. He hated to see the mechanic suffer. He hated to hear his thoughts, the ones filled with such negativity towards himself. Tony didn’t deserve that, Loki thought. He only deserved the best.

“You still deserve better, my love,” Loki replied softly. “Now off to bed. You’ve not slept in days, though we can discuss that in the morning.” 

Tony couldn’t help but smile at the god’s words. He looked up at him with a giddy smile.

Maybe things weren’t so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki’s back and pretty beaten up, Tony apologises to Loki and in attempt to regain his trust he shares some of his deepest secrets. Tony patches Loki up and then they go see Bruce. Tony and Loki sort of make up. 
> 
> See you next week! x


	18. 18. We Could Be Happy Forever and After

Tony woke up peacefully. No screaming. No pain. No fear. Peacefully. He couldn’t believe how good it felt. He’d missed not having nightmares. Every time he tried to sleep, he had nightmares. No matter what he did. If he drank until he passed out, sure, it worked, but Bruce never let him do that. He slowly opened his eyes to see what was different, wondering why he hadn’t had a nightmare. When he opened his eyes, he was met with his favourite sight. Loki, fast asleep, curled into him. The god’s head was nuzzled into his neck, and he could feel every breath against his shoulder. He smiled happily and held the god closer, his smile widening when the trickster nuzzled into him.

Tony had missed it. He’d missed waking up to the god next to him. He’d missed the trickster more than anything in the world. Sure, he’d rather Loki not be injured, but he’d take what he could get. He could see that the cuts on Loki’s body were completely healed, so he hoped that the ones hidden by bandages were too. He wasn’t hopeful, but he wanted the god to get better. He hated seeing him in pain. He wanted to take it all away from him. He didn’t know how the god was still functional. Well, as functioning as he was, anyway. After Afghanistan, Tony was a mess. He couldn’t do anything, and if he did, it was something that would kill him. He just wanted it all to end. Loki didn’t show those tendencies. Well, not that he could see, anyway. He just wanted to take all of his pain and suffering away. To see him truly happy, without the pain of having gone through everything he had. Tony felt awful. Even though he couldn’t have prevented what happened from happening, he still felt bad. He wanted the god to be happy, because that was what he deserved. He deserved to be happy. He deserved better. And that better wasn’t Tony. He deserved someone who could show him the love he deserved. Someone godly. Not human. Not weak like Tony. He gently held the god closer, pressing a gentle kiss to the tricksters head. He wanted to protect him. To make sure nothing bad ever happened to him again. He wanted to see him happy.

“You think loudly,” the god said quietly, making Tony jump.

The god didn’t open his eyes. He didn’t move either. He just laid there, looking as if he was asleep. Tony sighed softly and held the god closer, never wanting to let him go. Even though he knew that Loki could hear all of his thoughts, he didn’t care. He trusted him.

“Sorry,” Tony replied softly. “Did my thinking wake you up?”

“I heard negative self-talk. I’m now awake.” Loki smiled softly as he opened his eyes. “You’re not weak. My love, you’re stronger than the majority of warriors I’ve fought alongside. Physically, perhaps not. Though you’re perhaps the strongest person I’ve met, mentally. Your mind is brilliant. You’ve been through so much yet still strive to protect people, despite seeing what harm they can do. That’s admirable. You’re one of the strongest people I know, and I will always be here to remind you of that.”

Tony shook his head and looked away. He didn’t know what to think. He wanted to believe the god, but he still had doubts. He was in a team alongside Hawkeye, Black Widow, Thor, Hulk, Captain America... what did he have against them? He shook his head and turned back to the god, being met by a disapproving frown.

“How’re you feeling?” Tony asked, wanting to change the subject.

“I’m fine. A few aches here and there, though better than last night,” Loki replied quietly, trying to push his feelings away. He felt awful. He knew that no matter what he did or said, Tony would never see how incredible he was. He’d never see that he was more than enough. “Thank you for everything. I truly appreciate it.”

Loki hated himself for forgiving Tony so fast. Well, no, he wouldn’t say the mechanic was forgiven. He’d accepted his apologies, but he hadn’t forgiven him. He didn’t think he could forgive him. He hated how fast he ran back to him, though. To run back into the mechanics arms as if his actions were forgotten. Was he that desperate for love that he would run back to the man that broke his trust and used him for information with no hesitation?

“Don’t thank me. I just want you to be okay,” Tony said softly, gently rubbing the gods back. “I need to get up. Stephen’s coming down to check on the project.”

“Can I come?” Loki asked, surprising the mechanic. He hadn’t expected the god to want to get back into everything so fast. “I’ve missed irritating him.”

Tony laughed fondly, the sound making Loki smile. Tony didn’t know what he expected the God’s reasoning to be, but he wasn’t surprised. It was perfectly Loki. Besides, those two bickering was always amazing entertainment.

“Yeah, sure,” Tony replied as he got up, letting the god go as he did. Loki breathed a sigh of relief as his mind went quiet, only his thoughts filling it. Tony caught it, catching onto the reason. “Are my thoughts that loud?”

“No, no. It’s simply disorientating to have two lots of thoughts running through my mind,” Loki explained as he sat up, wincing in pain as he did.

“Sorry. I won’t touch you if it’s easier,” Tony replied softly.

“No, it’s no trouble. As long as you don’t mind, of course.” Loki frowned slightly, knowing how awful it could be to have someone in your head.

Tony frowned slightly and gently held Loki’s hand, showing that it was okay. He trusted the god with his life. He didn’t have anything he wanted to hide from him, so why would he protest?

“It’s fine, Kitten. I trust you.” Tony smiled. “Stay there, I’m going to get some bandages.”

Tony didn’t leave any time for Loki to reply. He went to the en suite to get to the bandages. Loki sighed and started to take what bandages he could off. He was glad when he saw the cuts had all either healed or healed enough to resemble scratches more than stab wounds. The burns hadn’t healed, not that he expected them to. The burns always took a long time to heal. It was the worst form of physical torture, he thought. Tony walked back into the room and smiled slightly at how fast the god healed. He sat down opposite the god on the bed and gently checked him over. He saw that almost all of the cuts were healed, which definitely made him smile, but he noticed the burns weren’t any different. He didn’t know anything about Loki’s heritage, so he didn’t know why they weren’t healing. Loki picked up on his confusion and frowned slightly.

“It’s because I’m Jotun. Wounds caused by heat heal considerably slower,” Loki explained quietly.

Jotuns. Tony remembered Thor mentioning them. He said that Loki had killed a lot of them after he tried destroying Jotunheim. Then it clicked. That’s why it was presumed that Loki was the last Jotun. It must’ve been a relief to find out he wasn’t, Tony thought. He couldn’t imagine being responsible for wiping an entire race out, especially one of his own. He gently dressed the burns, making sure each piece of padding had some aloe vera on them. Once he was done, he couldn’t help but look over Loki’s arm. It looked... weird. Why did they only do bits? Why not the entire area? What was the reason? Unless... it was to remind Loki that they were in control. That they would always have a piece of him. That they would always be there. That he belonged to them. The realisation made Tony feel sick. The god deserved far better than that.

“I want to kill those fuckers that did this to you,” Tony growled.

“As do I, my love, though we must wait. I’m unsure where they are, though I know they don’t have any stones. They should be searching for them, which leaves both Asgard and Midgard at risk. It may not be long until we face them,” Loki explained quietly.

Loki wanted nothing more than to see them dead. Sure, he’d killed some of them when he was escaping, and that was beyond satisfying, but he knew that the worst was yet to come. Thanos still had two of the most powerful of the black order, which lowered the odds in their favour considerably.

“Then it won’t be long until they die,” Tony replied.

“The Titan only has Maw and the Other left. The Other will be the easiest to kill. Maw is hard to get close to, so shooting from afar is the best course of action. The Titan... if he has any stones, he’ll be hard to get to. Though... aim for the head.” Loki looked at Tony, but noticed the human’s confusion. “It would be useful if others knew this, not just me. After all, we’re going against them together as a team.”

Tony looked at the god happily. He’d never expected to feel so excited at the thought of fighting alongside the god, even having the trickster as a part of the team, but the thought was beyond exciting. He didn’t realise how amazing that would be.

“That sounds like a plan,” Tony said before he thought over the gods words. “Wait, what about the other three? I- oh-“ The mechanic’s eyes widened at the realisation. “So they’re who you killed?”

“They tried to stop me from leaving.” Loki shrugged. “Besides, they had it coming.”

Tony couldn’t help but chuckle at the gods words. He couldn’t begin to think how amazing that was for the god. To have his revenge on those who brought so much harm to him.

“Alright, Velma,” Tony said with a smile. “The wizard’s almost here and I don’t think he’d appreciate us keeping him waiting.”

“Fuck him,” Loki replied, Tony’s eyes widening at the gods words. How could someone swearing sound so hot? “I have something I want to do first.”

Stephen would definitely have to wait.

———————————————

“Stark, I’m on a tight schedule, I don’t appreciate being-“ Stephen started to rant but stopped when he saw the god trailing behind the mechanic. “Oh. He’s here.”

Stephen still didn’t trust Loki. Especially after he went with Thanos and his minions. The god was a threat to the world, and Stephen hated having to be nice to him. Loki was nothing but trouble, and he didn’t get how he was trusted by the avengers.

“Yeah, Sorry, had something I had to take care of,” Tony replied with a sweet smile.

Loki walked to a chair and sat down, a mischievous smirk on his face. Bruce didn’t like having the god there, given the state of him, but he seemed to be taking it easy, so he couldn’t complain. He knew a lot more about their threats than they did, after all.

“Nice to see you too, Doctor,” Loki said, his smirk only seeming to grow. “I thought you would’ve missed me after all this time.”

“What’s there to miss?” Stephen asked, causing Loki to chuckle softly.

Loki actually liked the doctor. He liked his wit. He admired his dedication to protecting the world. He didn’t like the fact that the sorcerer didn’t like him, but he could see why. He knew why, he just wasn’t happy about it.

“Apart from my dashing good looks and remarkable wit?” Loki questioned in reply.

Tony snorted at the two’s bickering as he went over to Bruce, going through the plans they already had. They’d made some parts to the reactor, but nothing set in stone. They were trying to make the prototype perfect so that they didn’t have to make an actual one. That would save them a lot of time.

“Or your unstable, murderous, benevolent and psychotic mind?” Stephen replied, glaring at the god.

“Oh, please, I left the murderous, benevolent, psychotic mind on Asgard.” Loki smirked.

Tony didn’t miss the fact that Loki didn’t say unstable, but then again, who would be stable after what he’d been through? He doubted any of them in the room were actually stable, but that was just a fun thing they had in common.

“Right, we’re not here to argue,” Tony said, a small smile on his face. He brought up the files of the black order and marked Corvus, Cull and Proxima off as deceased. “We’re down three, which makes things a bit easier for us.”

Bruce looked through the intel they had on Thanos, The Other and Ebony, glad to have pictures of the latter two. At least they knew who they were looking for. Stephen looked over the files too, about to say something when Loki beat him to it.

“They don’t have any stones, either,” Loki explained. “I’m trying to keep the stones to one location so they have no choice but to come here. Five stones are accounted for, though there are mere legends of the soul stone. No one knows of its location."

Tony smiled as he listened to his soulmate speak. Of course he had a plan. When didn't he have a plan? Sure, half the time Tony doubted whether or not they were good plans, but they were plans. Tony never had plans, so he appreciated the sentiment of Loki's habit of looking to the future. Tony knew that the god always planned everything. Every move, every word, every take of breath, all of it was planned. That was something that would be useful if they had to fight something. He'd be handy to have on the team.

"What if we draw them in? We set a trap so that they come here? If they're at their weakest now, we have a better chance," Tony suggested.

"We'd be outnumbered. They have an army. Even though they're down core fighters, it's still too much of a risk. The Titan wouldn't do his own fighting unless he deemed it necessary. He's the one we'd need to get to in order to stop the army," Loki replied, seeming oddly bored as he sat in the chair.

"How can we trust you?" Stephen asked the bored god.

"I've just spent a year with them, listening to their plans. I know all of their tactics as well as what intel they already have. I have information that you all need," Loki replied, venom lacing his voice. "I've reason to want my revenge on them, so please, keep doubting me, though by doing so you're only harming yourself and the world you strive to protect."

Loki liked the doctor, he just didn't like his constant attitude. He understood why he wasn't trusted, but it still irritated him endlessly. He wanted to be trusted. He wanted to have people understand why he did what he did and respect the fact that he was merely a pawn in the game. He could see the sorcerer take a closer step towards him, his hostility prominent to the god. Maybe he should've stayed in bed.

"What? You regret attacking New York because you failed so now you turn around and say that you want to take them down?" Stephen questioned. "What have they done to wrong you? Let you fail? That's not enough reason for you to be trusted!"

"I never wanted to succeed. I let myself fail to the best of my abilities-"

"Oh, so you wanted to fail but still killed all of those people? Real nice," Stephen interrupted, rolling his eyes at the god's excuses.

"I wasn't in control of my actions!" Loki exclaimed as he stood up, taking a step closer to the sorcerer. "I apologise for the deaths that came by my hand and I feel tremendous guilt for everything that I did, though I couldn't stop. I did what I could to fail while sticking to the plan without making it obvious."

Loki hated having to explain what happened. He hated having to acknowledge the weaknesses. His weaknesses. He was weak enough to be controlled. He was weak enough to be beaten into submission. He hated the reminders. He could hide the scars with clothing, he knew that, though he couldn't hide the robotics so easy.

"Playing the mind control game? Smooth. Maybe they'll believe it, but I won't," The sorcerer replied, watching the god.

"Why would I lie? What reason do I have to lie? I want to see them dead more than anyone, believe me." Loki rolled his eyes, preparing himself for the whole 'you're the god of lies' speech.

"How can I believe you?" Stephen asked.

Loki was surprised that the doctor didn't use his title against him. He hesitated, wondering whether or not to show him. He needed the doctor to trust him, and if he didn't give him a reason then and there, he feared he wouldn't have another chance. The god took a deep breath as he broke the illusion he'd put up, revealing himself. Revealing the newly formed scars, the robotics, some bandages visible through the shirt he was wearing. He rolled up his right sleeve, revealing the robotics that broke his skin.

"I wouldn't do this to myself,” Loki said quietly, not looking at any of them.

Stephen nodded, now more inclined to believe the god. Loki put the illusions back up before he sat down, feeling weakened by his excessive use of magic that he didn’t have at that moment. He knew he only had a day before he’d regained his energy, but even that seemed too long. He didn’t want to wait. He wanted to be okay, but then again, when was he ever okay?

“So... science stuff!” Tony broke the silence, feeling the awkward tension in the room.

It would be a long few hours.

—————————————————————

Loki was relieved when the doctor and scientist left. He felt drained. Having to think about the Titan and keep himself calm wasn’t the most relaxing of things, but he’d done it and he was glad it was over. As soon as the two left, the god stood up and walked over to the mechanic. He dramatically collapsed onto the human’s lap as he broke his illusion, sighing in relief at how good that felt. He didn’t have the energy to keep it up. 

“I’m proud of you,” Tony told the god as he wrapped his arms around the taller. 

“Why? Because I made it through a simple meeting without having a breakdown?” Loki asked in reply.

Tony hesitated. That was partially what he meant, but judging by the god’s attitude, it wasn’t something to congratulate him on. He made a mental note of that as he started to play with the gods hair, smiling as Loki practically melted into his touch.

“Because you sorted things out with Stephen,” Tony replied with a small smile. “How’re you feeling?”

Loki had to think. He felt exhausted, drained, petrified, sad, sentimental, anxious, numb, even. He felt awful, but he wouldn’t tell the mechanic that. No. He had no right to feel so down when he had his soulmate and said soulmate was welcoming him into his home, he thought. He felt awful.

“I’m good. Tired, though I’m fine,” Loki answered quietly as he nuzzled into the human’s shoulder. 

Tony thought for a few seconds. Was it a good idea? Probably not, but he thought that maybe Loki could do with a bit of socialising. Hopefully, anyway. Plus, none of the Avengers, minus Bruce, knew that Loki was back. 

“The team are having a mini-party tonight. Just us and a couple of friends. Do you want to come?” Tony asked softly. 

Loki hesitated. Was it a good idea? He checked the time, seeing it wasn’t even two. He assumed he had a couple of hours, so he had enough time to regain his energy before dealing with people. It still didn’t sound fun, but he didn’t have an excuse to not go. Besides, if they were going to fight the Titan together, they had to be civil enough to work together.

“If you’re going,” Loki replied. He wouldn’t go without his soulmate.

Tony smiled happily, glad that the god was cooperating. He wanted nothing more than to see the trickster happy. To see him genuinely fine. He wanted him to get better and he wanted to help, and even though he didn’t know how, he wouldn’t ever stop trying. He wanted Loki to be happy, because he deserved to be. It hurt to know that the god was struggling but refused any aid. 

“Then it’s settled!” Tony grinned. “We’ve got four hours, so eat and sleep, baby!” 

Loki chuckled softly at the mechanic’s tone, finding him simply adorable. He opened his eyes, his smile growing once he spotted the mechanic’s dizzy grin. He reached up and gently pressed a kiss to the human’s lips as he wrapped his arms around him. Tony melted into the kiss, holding the god closer. The mechanic didn’t think he’d ever get used to having Loki. Sure, he’d been in relationships before, but the god was different. His soulmate. Plus, they were on the same wavelength and as scary as that was, it was far too entertaining. Loki gently pulled away and opened his eyes to look at the mechanic, grinning giddily as he did.

“I love you,” the god said.

Tony stopped. He wasn’t expecting Loki to say that. He didn’t think he’d ever hear the god say that. He couldn’t do anything to hide his smile that only grew once he opened his eyes to look at his soulmate who was dramatically yet gracefully sprawled over his lap. He couldn’t believe the happiness that washed over him, or the wave of relief that crashed into him. He couldn’t begin to process his emotions as he processed the Tricksters words. 

“I love you too.”


	19. 19. It Probably Happens at Night, Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow look at me updating on time

Loki didn’t know how to process everything. He needed a drink. Everything was building up and he didn’t know how to handle it. He’d never felt so loved before. He’d never felt so cared for before. He didn’t know how to process everything. He’d never been one for processing emotion. He was one to push it all away and hope for the best. Sure, he knew that wasn’t good, but it was better than dealing with everything.

On Asgard, he’d deal with everything by either hiding in his room, fucking, or he’d go through his supplies. He was surprised Odin never found out about his drug supply. Especially considering he was the one everyone went to for it. He missed it, but he doubted it was hard to find in New York. Loki just wanted to let go. To be able to relax for a little while. If he had to live, he wanted to do it his way. He looked over at Tony, seeing the mechanic tinkering with something on his desk. The god felt bad. He felt like he shouldn’t feel as awful as he did. He felt numb, almost. That made him feel guilty. He had an amazing soulmate and a place to live in. Shouldn’t that be enough? Yet he still found himself wanting the peace of death. He wanted a drink. He wanted to get high. How hard could it be to find something, he thought. He watched his soulmate, seeing how content he seemed when he was working. He knew that the human wasn’t okay, not in the slightest, but he was semi-functioning. He carried on because people needed him. People didn’t need Loki, the god thought.

He slowly got up and walked over to the mechanic, seeing he was tinkering with a small box. It looked like metal, but Loki wasn’t sure. He knew that nothing was ever what he expected when it came to Tony. The human looked at him with a smile, one that broke Loki’s heart as he smiled back, knowing that he would only drag the mechanic down. He would never be good for him.

“Hey, Kitten. How’re you feeling?” Tony asked as he gently held the god’s hand.

Tony wasn’t stupid. He knew that Loki wasn’t doing great, but he thought that things were okay. That things were getting better. He wanted nothing more than to show the god what it was like to live properly, to not be constricted by rules. He remembered how it felt when he could live freely. He didn’t know what to do. He drove around the island for a while but then slipped into not sleeping and running off of alcohol and coffee. Not great, but it worked well enough.

“I’m okay, and you?” Loki asked in reply, giving the human’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“I’m good! Just wanted to squeeze in a bit of work before the party,” Tony explained, finally putting down the cube.

Loki smiled softly as he wrapped his other arm around Tony. He was slowly getting used to seeing the metal plate run throughout his right side. He by no means liked it, but it didn’t surprise him when he saw it.

“I’m going to head outside for a little while, will you be okay while I’m gone?” Loki asked softly as he rubbed over Tony’s hand with his thumb.

“Where are you going?” Tony asked in reply.

Tony was beyond worried. He was scared that he’d lose Loki, or that he’d end up with Thanos again. He didn’t want to ever lose the god again. He knew that he was probably being paranoid, but he was scared.

“Outside. I saw a park not that far away, I may visit there,” Loki replied softly. “I’m simply going out for some air. I’ve not been out since we went for coffee, besides, I want to see the area.”

Smooth lie, the god just wasn’t sure if Tony would believe it. The part about not going out was true, he hadn’t been outside since him and Tony went for coffee when they arrived on Earth, but he had other motives for wanting to go out, of course. He wouldn’t tell the mechanic that, though. He didn’t want the mechanic to know how weak he was. How much of a disappointment he was.

“Oh, yeah, that’s... I didn’t realise. I’m sorry,” Tony said softly, clearly feeling bad. “Just stay safe, yeah? Wait, won’t you be recognised?”

Tony felt awful. He didn’t realise. He didn’t know why he hadn’t. It was obvious the god wouldn’t have had any time to go outside since. He remembered the coffee date, though. That was one of his favourite days. He remembered how they walked together for hours after he called for coffee. He didn’t think it would be, but that was his perfect day.

Loki smiled as he shifted his form, now seeming much more feminine. Tony’s eyes widened, watching as the God’s form changed. Of course, he recognised the form. How could he forget? Loki smirked as she quickly checked her appearance in the mirror, putting an illusion up to hide all of the injuries and the metal in her arm.

“If you didn’t recognise me like this, I’m confident no one else would.” Loki chuckled as she held the mechanic closer.

“Pronoun check?” Tony asked, of course wanting to say other things, but that was his priority.

“Female in this form, male in my other form,” Loki explained, an appreciative expression on her face.

She took a step back as she started to get changed into some skinny jeans and one of Tony’s t-shirts was the mechanic watched in awe. He made a mental note to make something for Loki to show her pronouns, just in case she didn’t feel comfortable shifting forms for whatever reason. Pronoun bracelets? Tony almost applauded himself for the idea. Cute and affective.

“You look... holy shit...” Tony said as he watched agog, making the god laugh.

“We can have fun with this later, my darling.” Loki smirked as she fixed her hair.

Loki didn’t hide who she was, but she wasn’t exactly out. She didn’t care about her gender, she just embraced it, but she couldn’t come out on Asgard. So to be safe around Tony... it meant a lot to her. She loved him and wanted to be able to show herself to him. Sure, not her Jotun form, but she didn’t exactly count that as herself anyway. She didn’t want to.

“Yeah, I’m holding you to that,” Tony replied, a smile on his face. “You never cease to amaze me. Like... damn. When am I ever speechless? This isn’t fair.”

Loki chuckled softly and gently pressed a kiss to the mechanic’s head. She didn’t know how she got so lucky. She didn’t deserve the mechanic, she thought. He was brilliant. He deserved so much better, but there he was, welcoming his soulmate with open arms. She didn’t deserve him.

“I’ll make sure to make it up to you once I return,”  
She said softly as she made her way to the door. “Goodbye, my darling! Love you!”

“Love you too, Princess.”

She wouldn’t ever get used to hearing that.

————————————————

Bucky didn’t know what was going on. Then again, he barely ever did. He looked in the mirror as he held the gloves in his hands, his mind racing a million miles an hour. He knew the team enough to trust them, but he’d still not uncovered his arm around them. They knew, he knew that they knew, but he didn’t like anyone seeing his arm. Tony had, but that was because Steve practically forced him to get his arm checked out. Bucky understood, and he was grateful, he’d been made a new arm that felt like his, that felt better than the Hydra one. He appreciated it. It made him feel worse about everything.

They all knew that the mechanic was struggling, so they hoped that by having a mini-party that it would boost his moral a bit. None of them, apart from Bruce, had seen the engineer since movie night. Bucky understood. He remembered when he felt a mark form after Steve was brought up from the ice. That was one of the few things he remembered. He felt bad for the mechanic. He didn’t know what was worse, a soulmate being dead or a soulmate being alive but lost.

Steve gently wrapped his arms around his soulmate, Bucky instantly melting into his touch. He finally felt safe. That was something the assassin hadn’t felt in a while. He had a fantastic group of friends and he had his soulmate. Sure, he’d struggled. He didn’t know how to cope, but he had a support network. He wasn’t okay, but he was getting there. He was alive. He was remembering. He was dealing with everything. He was processing his actions and he was slowly starting to come to terms with everything. He couldn’t turn the clock back. He couldn’t take his actions back. He just had to face everything, and he was grateful he didn’t have to do it alone. He had his soulmate, and he couldn’t begin to explain just how grateful he was for that. For Steve.

“I’m proud of you,” Steve said quietly, looking at his soulmate in the mirror.

Bucky stared at the mirror, in awe of what he was seeing. Him and Steve. Both alive. Both living in a world they never thought they’d see. Together. In love. Bucky looked back at Steve through the mirror, his smile more genuine than it had been in a while.

“I... thank you,” Bucky replied with a grin. “You’ve done so much for me. You’ve never given up on me, even when I did. Thank you.”

Steve’s smile only grew. He’d helped his soulmate out from his worst. He hated seeing Bucky so low, but he never gave up. It hadn’t been easy for himself, either. Steve couldn’t count the amount of sleepless nights he had, wondering if he’d still have his soulmate the next day. It took so much out of him, but seeing Bucky smile like that... it gave him hope.

“I’m with you ‘til the end of the line,” Steve said quietly.

He remembered those days. He remembered the days he was sick, the days he was so close to death, the days he struggled to even breathe. Bucky was there, he’d never left his side. Bucky never gave up on him. So why would Steve leave the other when he needed him most? He would never leave his soulmate’s side. That was a promise.

“‘Til the end of the line. Punk.”

Steve looked at his soulmate with a grin. Bucky hadn’t called him that since before the war. He didn’t even think that the assassin remembered it. He couldn’t believe how happy he was, how incredible hearing just that one nickname made him. He was ecstatic.

“Jerk,” Steve replied with a smile.

“I love you, Stevie,” Bucky said softly, turning away from the mirror to look at his soulmate.

“I love you too, Buck.”

———————————————

The room went quiet. They were debating who was going to fetch the mechanic from his lab, but were interrupted by the man himself walking into the room, a woman following. Clint’s eyes widened as he was the first to react. He wolf whistled, looking at the woman with a smirk.

“Damn, Stark, didn’t expect you to bring your mistress,” Clint said, his eyes never leaving the figure following the mechanic.

Tony had to stop himself from laughing at Clint, but did look at Loki to make sure she didn’t have any daggers. The god knew that she looked great, but it didn’t give Clint the right to objectify her. To humiliate her. To treat her as a piece of meat. She looked at Tony for a brief second before she walked up to the archer, seeing him dumbfounded. He had a wife, Loki knew. He wouldn’t make a move. Not without further humiliating himself. He was just about to speak before she pulled a dagger out of her pocket and held it to the agent’s neck. Everyone watched, grabbing their weapons in case they had to do something.

“I am not a piece of meat for your enjoyment, Barton,” Loki growled. “Now, I may be forgiving, though you best not objectify or sexualise someone that isn’t consenting. I won’t hesitate to drive this dagger through your eyes and chop your dick off if this happens again. Understood?”

Clint nodded, watching the god with wide eyes. Loki smirked and put the dagger away, walking back over to Tony. The mechanic hated to admit it, but that made him feel things he really didn’t want to feel in front of people. He gently snaked his arm around the tricksters waist, and she happily leant into him as they walked to the sofa. Everyone was staring at them in shock. No one quite knew what happened, but they all pieced things together.

“Brother?” Thor asked, earning a glare from the other god. “Sister?” Thor questioned, in return Loki’s glare softened, but remained nonetheless.

“We’re not related,” Loki replied, confirming everyone’s thoughts. “I would’ve thought you’d have accepted that, considering.”

Tony didn’t know much about Loki’s heritage, but he knew enough to know that it was a touchy subject for both gods. He would just be there to support his trickster and be there when she wanted to talk about it. He would just go with the flow.

“I thought you were with Thanos,” Natasha said, wanting to distract from the hostility.

“I escaped,” Loki replied sharply, turning his gaze to Natasha. “I returned last night. I’ve been regaining my energy since, so I apologise for the lack of appearance. Though I don’t want to distract from tonight or dampen the energy, so please, let’s move on.”

Tony smiled softly and gently pressed a kiss to the god’s cheek, earning a sweet smile in reply. The trickster rested her head on his shoulder, relaxing into his side. Tony lived for those moments, where they were together, happy. Where they were together. Alive and kicking. In love.

“So... drinks?” Steve awkwardly offered.

The super-soldier didn’t want for any replies. He just got up and went to the bar, Natasha following. Bucky just watched, not quite knowing what to do. He’d heard about Loki. Steve had explained the entire situation to him. He didn’t know what to do. He thought that it would be nice to have someone that understood just a bit about what happened. For both of them, he thought.

Loki knew nothing. She hadn’t been told anything about Bucky, rather than just they’d ‘get along well’ and that they’re ‘birds of a feather’. She didn’t have a clue why Tony told her those things, or why Bruce remarked that Tony was a terrible person for saying those things. That was until she saw the assassin’s metal arm. She held back a chuckle as she turned back to the mechanic.

“You’re a horrible person,” Loki said, watching the mechanic with a fond smile. Everyone looked at the couple confusedly, dumbfounded as to why the god would say something like that. Tony was confused for a second before he realised, making him laugh.

“Just you wait, it gets better,” Tony replied. Bruce got it and rolled his eyes.

“You’re both awful,” Bruce remarked amusedly.

Loki chuckled softly and leant into her soulmate, ignoring all of the puzzled looks they were receiving. She felt a lot calmer than she had in a while. More at peace. Tony noticed that she seemed different, and it confused him. He didn’t know what was up, but he was hopeful. He hoped that that was a sign of the god getting better.

Steve and Natasha came back and handed out drinks. The two of them always avoided drinking. Steve couldn’t get drunk, so why even try? Natasha didn’t drink because she liked to be in control. She didn’t like her senses being dampened when drunk. Bucky didn’t drink either, having the same problem as Steve. He missed drinking. He remembered going out to bars, always in attempt to hook up with whatever girl was looking for a fun time. He always loved it. He loved Steve, sure, but they couldn’t be together. Not in the time they were in. Now? They wouldn’t be killed for holding hands with each other in the street. Well, the risk was significantly smaller. It wasn’t illegal.

Four drinks in and those drinking were relatively drunk, providing great entertainment for those who weren’t. Even Thor was tipsy, having drank the alcohol he’d brought from Asgard. Loki stuck to the whiskey provided from the bar, wanting to stay alert. Besides, she was still riding a high. She didn’t need alcohol to help.

“Y’know, I feel like some entertainment could’ve livened the party up,” Clint exclaimed before he took a sip of his drink.

“You guys are entertainment enough,” Natasha replied amusedly.

The drunken four kept talking about the most random things, from the theory of alphabets to the logistics of Jurassic Park. Loki didn’t know anything about the movie, but the fact that all she knew about it was ‘cannibalistic dinosaurs’, she added it to her watchlist.

“For you, yeah!” Clint replied as he put his empty glass down on the table.

“What? Entertainment such as strippers? I thought you were married, Barton,” Loki said, watching the archer with a sharp gaze.

The tension between the two was tense, considering their history. Clint still didn’t like Loki, and the god didn’t like the archers attitude towards women. Everyone in the room could guess the tension that would eventually grow between the two, but opted to stay out of it.

“No! I meant Monopoly! That game is amazing, but it’s so much better when drunk!” Clint laughed, making Loki relax.

She downed the remaining liquid in the glass before she put it down on the table, making Tony whine at her movement. She chuckled softly and leant back into his side, making the mechanic him contently. She liked how cuddly he was when he was drunk, but knew to watch his alcohol consumption. She didn’t want him to get hurt.

“Do strippers still exist on Midgard?” Thor asked curiously, which made everyone laugh.

There were brothels on Asgard, Thor knew that fairly well, but he knew that they didn’t exist on earth. He didn’t use the brothels frequently. Why would he? He was a prince of Asgard. He could get anyone he wanted, he didn’t have to pay. Loki... she used them, but not in the same way Thor did. In disguise, of course.

“Thor, buddy, for your stag do we’re off to a strip club,” Tony said with an amused smile. “Do you have them on Asgard?”

Loki grabbed one of the glasses of whiskey from the table, Steve having given up with the constant trips and just bringing a few trays of drinks to the table. It was a good idea, the god thought. Effective, anyway.

“Not so much strippers, though sex workers are common, considering the popularity of brothels,” Thor replied.

“Brothels? Damn, I thought Asgard was better than that.” Tony rolled his eyes before he downed the next to his drink, only to be met by the god next to him holding his hand. Smooth way to stop him, she supposed.

“Compared to what? Your laws on sex work?” Loki questioned, pulling their entwined hands onto her lap. “They’re safe and they’re all there by choice. Asgard May be sexist and much more, though sex workers are protected far more than they are on Midgard. It’s not perfect, but I’d hope that that’ll change soon.”

They all looked at the god in shock. No one expected her to be so passionate about sex work, but then again, no one knew what to expect from her in general.

“What? You planning to go into prostitution?” Clint asked amusedly, watching the god. “Or stepping into dominatrix work? I feel like that’s on brand for you.”

Tony almost choked on his drink at the archers words, making Loki glare at him. Tony shot her an apologetic glance, but it was clear that his amusement hadn’t ended. Why would it? He couldn’t get the thought out of his head.

“No, I’m putting those days behind me,” Loki replied. “I’ve got Anthony and I needn’t anything else.”

This time, Tony choked on his drink. He wasn’t expecting that. He didn’t know why. From what was said about Sakaar specifically, it made sense that Loki would’ve dipped into sex work every now and then. He found the part about him sweet though. He was glad that she thought that.

“Yeah, that explains a lot,” Tony said, remembering their evening.

Loki gently whacked his arm, making the mechanic laugh. He gently held her closer, which she didn’t protest to. She nuzzled closer to the mechanic, making him smile. He loved being around Loki. He loved everything about her. Especially when she was so calm. So peaceful.

“I knew Sakaar was bad for you,” Thor grumbled, clearly annoyed by the situation.

“No, what I did on Sakaar I wouldn’t exactly fall prostitution as I never did it for money. That was all leisure. What I did on Asgard...” Loki smirked.

Bruce gently held Thor’s hand, seeing him get annoyed. The alcohol definitely didn’t help the God’s growing rage. Loki just held Tony’s hand as she relaxed into his side, seeming unfazed by the situation. Tony didn’t know how to feel. He didn’t mind anything that Loki had said, if anything, it excited him, but he didn’t know that about the god. He never knew that. He didn’t know anything about the god. Sure, he knew what happened to her when she was with Thanos, he knew a bit about her punishment on Asgard, but that’s all he knew, he realised.

“Damn, at least I know who to go to if I need a good time,” Clint said, clearly unaware of Thor’s mood.

“Hey, you’re married. Keep your hands to yourself,” Tony replied, holding his god closer.

Loki rolled her eyes fondly, choosing to ignore the growing nerves as she felt Thor’s glare. She knew that he was annoyed at En. That the god blamed the elder for his younger siblings corruption. Truth was, Loki was selling herself for a while before she met En. He just taught her a lot of new tricks.

“You’re all so childish,” Steve replied, amused by everyone’s squabbles.

The super-soldier held his soulmate closer, to which Bucky didn’t complain. He was glad for the comfort. To feel somewhat grounded. The assassin hated being reminded of what he did, and being near Tony was a direct reminder. He looked at the doting couple on the sofa opposite them, seeing that something was wrong. Tony was glaring daggers into the god, while she looked almost surprised. It was as if they were talking to each other without saying words. Bucky could see Tony’s phone open on the table, being able to read the words ‘Howard Stark’. He felt awful. That had probably upset Tony. Why wouldn’t it? He couldn’t imagine how hard it was for the mechanic. Sure, Bucky had lost his parents, but he was under when it happened, he didn’t know when it happened. He was older and he had closure because they’d said goodbye before the war. He didn’t think Tony had that. He saw Tony move away from the god, moving to the other side of the sofa. He didn’t miss the hurt on the tricksters face before she quickly covered it up, a smooth smile gracing her face. He was confused, but he didn’t say anything about it. Instead, he grabbed the empty trays and went to get some refills.

Loki wanted out. She didn’t want to be there. She was almost shaking, from what, she couldn’t quite pinpoint. Anger? Sadness? Nerves? She didn’t know. Perhaps a mix of three. The words kept running through her head. ‘How can I trust you?’ ‘Maybe everyone was right about you. You just use people to get what you want.’ ‘I don’t know shit about you. Thats what you want though, so you can leave and not have to worry about any secrets being spilled. You’re a waking pity party. You only give the information you want out and when it’s shared you play the victim. You run into the arms of people who torture you and for what? As a punishment for me? To make me feel guilty? You’re the god of mischief. Lies. You were always meant to be evil. Just like me to not see it.’ All that because she was worried about the mechanic. That he was drinking too much. That he wasn’t coping with the anniversary of his parents death. She saw Bucky’s actions before she decided to help. She grabbed all of the empty glasses before she walked to the bar, putting them in the dishwasher.

“I don’t think we’ve met,” the assassin said as the god was working next to him. “I’m Bucky.”

Loki looked at him and forced a smile, though it seemed graceful and genuine. She thought over what Tony had said about her and Bucky, but pushed those thoughts away. She didn’t want to think about the mechanic. Not for a while, anyway. 

“I’m Loki. It’s nice to meet you,” The god replied. 

She helped the assassin pour some drinks before she excused herself, taking that moment to leave. No one but Bucky noticed, she was happy about. She just wanted to be alone. She wanted to wallow in the self pity that she drowned herself in. She’d found something good, something that made her happy, and she ruined it. How? She didn’t even know. Because she worried. Because she tried to stop Tony from having another drink. She knew that he was drunk and upset but everything that was said still hurt. She wanted to leave but where else could she go? She had nowhere. She was done. She couldn’t cope, so why should she try?

She was done.


	20. 20. That’s All a Part of This Freak Show

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day I will actually remember that it’s a Monday and that’s when I update  
> Until then, enjoy the random upload schedule!! There’ll definitely be one chapter a week, unless I do completely forget and then it’ll be a double update!!   
> Next update (unless I forget) - 26/10/2020

Loki could see the sun coming up, only making him feel worse. Physically, he was better, but he didn’t have any energy. He looked at his palm, conjuring his seidr. A green mist appeared in his hand, not as strong as he would’ve liked, but it was there. It was progress.

He’d meant to sleep, but what was the point? He’d only be woken up by a nightmare. Besides, was he safe to do so? Could he really risk it? He felt defeated. What could he do? He’d never be seen for who he was. He’d only ever be the titles forced upon him. He’d only ever be seen as the god of mischief, silvertongue, trickster, monster. He’d never be anything else. He couldn’t shake Tony’s thoughts out of his head. He just wanted to help. He wanted to make sure the mechanic was safe. The human had seen an article mourning the death of Howard and Maria Stark, and his thoughts turned negative. Loki knew that he was drinking to avoid the feelings so he tried to stop him. He knew what that was like. He knew what it was like to want to feel free, to have a method of doing that but only to be denied by those who tried to care. He knew how that felt, and he knew that Tony was only reacting out of that, but it still hurt. It’s as if the human knew every single way to hurt Loki and he just let loose. It hurt.

The god watched the sunset from his window. He hadn’t been in the room before. When Tony was showing him around, he passively said that it was Loki’s room, but they both knew they’d be sharing the human’s room. Loki didn’t think he’d ever use that room, but there he was. Curled up in the corner of the room, leaning into the wall. He couldn’t stand to be on the bed. The floor felt right. It felt fitting. He didn’t know why, but he felt like it was better to sit there. He supposed it was the comfort of having something to lean on.

He’d hoped that it would be a new beginning. Being with Tony, he could be happy. He could forget about everything that happened and they could be happy together. Nothing would ever come between them. If only it was that easy. He was beginning to lose hope. He hadn’t had hope in so long, but when him and Tony fell in love... he felt it. It pushed him to get better. Now... what was the point? He’d never be happy. He’d never get anyone to see who he really was. He’d never be free, so what was the point? Nothing would ever be okay. Not really. He wished it could be, but he’d learnt enough to know that it could never be okay. He’d never be okay. He was a lost cause.

Loki finally found the motivation to move. Well, the motivation was the come down and he didn’t want to face his problems. Not sober, anyway. He made his way over to the drawer, pulling out a bag of white powder. He’d missed it. He hadn’t been able to get ahold of some in years, and he found that he’d missed the high. It wasn’t anything compared to some of the things he’d tried on Sakaar, but they were good enough.

Anything that would help. No matter what the cost.

——————————————————

Tony woke up with a groan, his body feeling too heavy to move. He felt warm. That was unusual, he thought. He was normally cold when he woke up, purely because of the ice block he shared a bed with, but said ice block wasn’t there. His eyes snapped open, seeing he was alone. That wasn’t good. He remembered their night going well. Well, he couldn’t remember much of it, but what he could remember was good. Apart from Loki threatening Clint, that wasn’t great, but the night got better. He didn’t know what was going on.

“Jarvis, where’s Loki?” The mechanic asked as he got out of bed.

“Loki is in his room, sir,” The AI replied.

Tony hesitated. Something bad happened. He couldn’t remember what it was, but it must’ve been bad. At least he was still in the building. At least he was still safe. That’s what the mechanic thought, anyway.

“Play whatever footage you have from last night.”

A hologram appeared not far from the mechanic, relaying the events of the previous night. After requesting for it to be sped up, the AI increased the speed of the video. It was a long night, Tony remembered, so he wanted to get through it quickly. He got changed as he watched it, having fallen asleep in his clothes. He told the AI to slow down when he saw something between him and the god change on the screen. He looked annoyed and Loki looked sad. They weren’t saying anything, they were just looking at each other. Then Tony moved away from Loki and she left not long later.

That was great. The hologram disappeared and Tony leant against the wall. He had no idea what he was thinking last night. He was drunk. He didn’t know what he could’ve thought. It must’ve been enough to really hurt the god, Tony thought. He knew that the best course of action was to talk to his soulmate, but he was scared. What if Loki hated him? What if the trickster never wanted to see him again? He’d ruined everything because he was drunk. Because Loki seemed to have tried to stop him from drinking more than he had. He’d messed up, and he didn’t even know what happened.

“Captain Rogers is requesting everyone in the dining room,” the AI announced.

Tony checked the time, finding it was four in the afternoon. He’d massively overslept. That was fine, he thought. It meant he could work later to make up for it. He wanted to work, but he knew he’d get a lecture off of Steve if he didn’t go to the dining room. Would it do any harm? He couldn’t remember the last time he ate. Besides, Steve was many things, a good cook being one of the positives. It wouldn’t be so bad, he hoped. Plus, Loki would be there. Food first, work later, Tony decided.

The mechanic made his way down to the dining room, seeing everyone already at the table, minus Clint and Loki. He assumed the archer had gone home, having a family to see to. Tony envied that, not that he would admit to it. He wanted to have a family to be able to be a part of, but he didn’t. He’d never had a proper family. He didn’t think he could until he met Loki. He didn’t have a clue why the god wasn’t there. He was about to go get him, but Bucky stood up.

“I’ll get him. You sit down and eat,” Bucky said, leaving the room before the mechanic could protest.

Tony hesitantly sat down, staring down at the plate of noodles. He felt awful. He’d messed up, and he wanted to fix it, but how could he when he didn’t know what he did? He looked at everyone in the room, seeing they didn’t even look phased. He remembered in the video that Loki and Bucky had spoken, not much, but he was the last person to speak to Loki before the god left. Maybe he knew a bit about what was going on.

Maybe it wasn’t too late to fix everything.

—————————————————

Bucky loved the AI. Jarvis was a lifesaver, he thought. He’d only dreamt of technology like that. He remembered seeing Howard Stark’s hover-car and how incredible he thought that was. That was nothing compared to what they had now. Sure, no hover-cars, but there was so much to make up for the lack of them, Bucky couldn’t find it in himself to care about that. He was just in awe of the world he lived in.

He was hoping that Loki would’ve emerged at some point, but he knew that something happened at the party. He didn’t think that Tony was even aware of what happened. The only person who knew was Loki, and Taft was a recipe for disaster. Bucky wanted to help. He didn’t know how he could, but he felt like he could relate to Loki. They’d been through similar experiences, and he wanted to help. He thought that maybe he could have someone who he could sort of relate to.

He knocked on the God’s door, but had no response. Jarvis had told the assassin that the god was in his room, and Bucky was certain he had the right room. He’d checked. He knew that Loki was inside. He could’ve been sleeping, but surely a few strong knocks would’ve woken him up.

“Loki?” Bucky called, to which he had no response.

He took a breath before he opened the door, happy when he found it was unlocked. He pushed the door open, seeing the god on the balcony. That explained the lack of response. He walked out to the balcony, hoping not to scare the god.

Loki heard the footsteps and braved himself for Tony. He didn’t want to see him. Not yet. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t think of where to begin. He knew that no matter what, he’d always run back to the human. He’d always chase love, no matter how much it hurt. He hated that. He was aware of it, and he wanted to change it but never could. No matter what, he’d always run back to the human, and he despised it. He took one last drag of his fag before he put it out and made it disappear, not wanting the human to see it. He exhaled the smoke, hoping it could be seen as breath in the cold air. He turned around and saw the person he really wasn’t expecting to see.

“Barnes,” Loki greeted with a polite smile. “Is everything okay?”

Bucky hesitated. He’d seen the smoke, and knew it was smoke, he wasn’t stupid. He’d been around enough smokers and had smoked enough himself to know exactly what that was and to recognise the smell. He didn’t say anything though. It wasn’t his place. He assumed that it was something the god openly did. After all, could it really hurt a god?

“Everything’s fine,” Bucky replied. “Just wondering where you were, is all. Food’s ready.”

Loki hesitated. He didn’t want to eat. That wasn’t safe. He couldn’t. Especially with other people. He’d never had a problem before, but Thanos had made sure he couldn’t even eat. He couldn’t handle the thought of doing so.

“I’m not hungry, but thank you.” Loki smiled politely, wanting to be left alone again.

Bucky sighed and moved to stand next to the god, looking over the balcony. Loki looked at the assassin curiously before he looked out, seeing the city under them. It was truly beautiful, he thought. Nothing like any other realm he’d ever seen.

“Everything’s changed since I was young,” Bucky said. “The city looked nothing like this. Granted, I only went to New York once, for Stark Expo. That was the night before I went to England to fight in the war. It was nothing like this. There was no big buildings, hardly anyone out in the streets, certainly no tech like this. It was scary when I first saw it like this. Well, when I was in my right mind. I can’t remember the first time I saw New York like this. In this century. But when I saw it, I... I was really speechless. It’s incredible.”

Loki looked back at the assassin, unsure of why he was being told that. He knew that the war was eighty years prior... if Bucky fought in the war, he shouldn’t look as if he was in his mid thirties, Loki realised.

“Yes, it’s beautiful,” Loki replied as he looked back over the balcony. “I remember the first time I saw it in this century. It... it was truly beautiful. Seeing it from a height... I hadn’t seen it since war time, the difference was rather shocking.”

“You were around during the war?” Bucky asked in shock.

Loki thought back to the times. He’d caught the tail end of the war. He wasn’t even aware that there was one until he arrived on Earth. He quickly tried to help, ending up fighting in America for roughly a year. He stuck around for a few years after that. He watched as the world picked itself up. It was fascinating. It was nothing like what happened on Asgard.

“Yes, it was accidental, though I learnt a lot from it,” Loki replied softly. “I remember the news of Captain America being lost in a crash. It was rather surprising to come across him in Germany.”

“Yeah. I... I remember thinking when I fell off the train that I’d never see Steve again, and then seventy years later, the little shit turned up again.” Bucky chuckled softly, trying to find joy in that.

Bucky didn’t remember much. He remembered falling from the train, but he couldn’t remember much about the events that led up to that. Steve had told him, and it sounded familiar, but he couldn’t quite remember it. It bugged him, but he didn’t dwell on it.

“You fell off a train?” Loki asked curiously, interested in what Bucky was saying.

“Uh, yeah, we were fighting on a train, and somehow I ended up falling out of it, off of the edge of a cliff. I don’t remember much about it. I don’t remember much about anything, really. Hydra made sure of that.” Bucky sighed sadly.

Loki looked at the assassin with a sympathetic frown. He’d vaguely heard of Hydra. He asked Tony about the sceptre and the mechanic mentioned Hydra, but not much about it. All he knew was that it was an organisation that didn’t seem that great.

“I was fighting on the Bifrost. A bridge above nothing. It’s... I struggle to remember it. I remember Thor throwing me from it, though... I don’t remember it clearly. The Titan ensured that I only know what he wanted me to know about that time,” Loki explained.

He knew how it felt to open up to someone, to be vulnerable. He could even relate somewhat to Bucky’s situation. He felt less alone, he felt as if he wasn’t the only one to have been through a situation like that.

“Looks like we were both forced to do shit by shitty people,” Bucky replied with a smile, trying to find light in the situation. “Nice to know that I’m not alone. I’m always here if you want to talk about it. But for now, we’ve got food.”

Loki felt his heart stop. That wouldn’t be fun.

—————————————————

Noodles. They could’ve been cooked with poison. The sauce could be poisoned. Everyone was eating, but what if theirs were fine? What if his was the only one with poison? It could’ve been added afterwards. He didn’t know. Loki stared down at the plate, completely missing everyone’s concerned glances towards him. He didn’t even notice Tony, sat opposite him, watching him with pure worry.

Tony was petrified. The god looked as if he was shutting down, but he knew that there was something wrong. He was scared. Why was he scared? Was he scared after what happened the previous night? Tony shrunk back in his seat, feeling awful. Everyone started to leave, having finished by the time Bucky and Loki emerged. None of them knew what had taken them so long, but neither seemed hurt so it can’t have been that bad. Eventually, it was just Loki and Tony. Tony had long finished, but he was scared for the god. The mechanic got up and moved to sit next to the trickster, but it didn’t seem as if Loki noticed. He gently pressed a hand to Loki’s shoulder, the god immediately flinching away, looking at Tony in fear.

“Are you okay?” Tony asked softly. It was a stupid question, he knew, but he had to ask. Loki shook his head and moved away from the human, trying to stay calm and composed. “Look... I can’t remember last night. I want to apologise, but I don’t know what I did. Whatever I thought... you can try it now. I only hold love for you, Loki. You’re my world. I love you with all my heart, and nothing will ever change that. I don’t know what I thought last night but trust me, I would never intentionally hurt you. I love you, Loki. That will never change.”

Loki didn’t want to think. Everything was building up and it was as if his mind was too full to begin to comprehend anything. He didn’t find himself too worried, though. It was as if his mind was overwhelmed with panic, but his body was calm. That didn’t help. It only worried him more.

“It’s... it’s fine. You were drunk. You were angry. It’s fine,” Loki replied, just wanting to leave. He wanted to be alone.

Tony frowned and gently held Loki’s hand, stopping in shock when he was met with warmth instead of the cold. He didn’t know if that was good or bad. He didn’t know what to think.

“Lokes... eat. Please,” Tony begged, his worry only growing when the god shook his head. “If you eat... we’ll watch Jurassic Park. How does that sound?”

Loki hesitated. Bargaining was something he was used to, but to do something in return for something positive? That never happened. Especially when it came to eating. It was normally ‘eat or suffer more than you would if you had.’ Not ‘eat or we’ll do something nice.’

“Jurassic Park?” Loki asked quietly. “Just a movie? Nothing else?”

Tony looked at the god confusedly. Why would he question that? The fact that he did broke his heart. The fact he had to question positive motives made his heart break. No one should feel the need to do that.

“Just a movie. Just you and me,” Tony replied softly. “Just eat, please. I promise it’s good. Steve’s a good cook, surprisingly. Have you had chow mein before?”

Loki looked at the noodles with a small frown before he shook his head. Steve cooking them eased his worry slightly, but he was still worried. If he wasn’t so panicked he would’ve laughed at himself. He couldn’t even eat without feeling immense fear. Tony caught onto the God’s panic and picked up the fork, taking a little bit for himself to prove to the god that it was fine. That eased Loki’s worries slightly. Why would Tony eat it if he knew it would hurt him? There wasn’t any logic in it. Well, none that Loki could see. So when Tony held the fork holding noodles up to the gods mouth, he hesitantly ate it. He smiled slightly at the taste. It tasted good. The food he was given by Thanos never tasted good.

Tony smiled as he fed his soulmate, trying to reassure him that it was all okay. That eating wasn’t bad. The plate wasn’t even half empty by the time Loki refused today eat any more. At least he ate, Tony thought. He gently kissed the god’s cheek, saying how proud he was. Loki looked at the plate, fear building again. What if it was poisoned? What if it didn’t affect humans?

“Hey, it’s all okay, you did great. I’m proud of you,” Tony said as he wrapped his arms around the god. It unnerved him that the god felt warm. Even if the trickster was wearing a jumper, was he meant to be warm? “You’re warm.”

Loki hesitated. Would Tony react well to the truth? Probably not. He didn’t know why he didn’t think about that sooner. It was obvious that something was probably going to give him away. He should’ve thought about that. Loki shrugged, looking at the human.

“I’m adjusting to the temperature on Midgard.” Loki shrugged, hoping that that would be an acceptable answer.

Tony nodded, making a mental note to keep an eye on it. It wasn’t that Tony didn’t trust the god, he was just worried. He didn’t want to risk ignoring something that might have a big impact on the gods health.

“Just let me know if you don’t feel well,” Tony replied softly. “Do you want to talk about the food situation?”

“It’s nothing,” Loki replied instantly. He definitely didn’t want to talk about it. “I ate. Are we going to watch the movie?”

Touchy subject. At least Tony knew, the mechanic thought. He could keep an eye on the situation and try to deal with it. He didn’t know what the causes of the fear was, but he’d figure it out. He’d have to experiment. That could be fun, he thought. He knew unearthing the trauma would be hard for the god, but they had to deal with it. Loki couldn’t live being afraid of food. Tony didn’t want to know what had happened to make the god react to food like that, but he had to be there. He had to support his soulmate through it. It would be unfair, otherwise.

Loki was more than happy to go his life without eating again. It would speed up the inevitable, he thought. He felt sick. Thinking about it made the feeling worse. He couldn’t stomach it. Between the fear of what was in the food and the memories of eating before... it was all too much. His body was calm, as if it wasn’t registering the fear his brain was trying to produce. It was oddly relaxing, but it was unnerving at the same time. It was exhausting. He was exhausted. He always was, but this was different. It was amplified. He didn’t know how or why, but his exhaustion was affecting him differently. He felt the need to sleep, but he couldn’t. Especially since the memories were threatening to take over.

“Of course, kitten,” Tony answered with a smile. “Bedroom, here we come!”

At that moment, Tony had hope.

Hope that everything would be okay.


	21. 21. For A Time You Belonged

Tony hadn’t watched Jurassic Park in years. Not since it came out, he thought. That made him sound old, didn’t it? He didn’t like that. That scared him. He didn’t want to get old. Would he ever get old? What would Loki do when it came to that time? Would the god really want to be in a relationship with an old man? Were they even in a relationship? What were they?

He took a sip of his drink, trying to calm his thoughts. Tony hated thinking. Sure, people thought that it was his strong point, but his strong point was his intelligence. Not his crippling self-doubt and self-destruction. That was his thinking. His workings out and his skills at engineering were his strong points. He found it amusing how the fact that something he started as a coping mechanism was the thing that he was known for. The Iron Man armour, sure, was a way to get out of his capture, but it ended up being a coping mechanism. A way to distract from the situation. His coping mechanism was somehow saving the world. How ironic was that? Something that was saving him was saving so many other people too.

Tony turned to the god in his arms, seeing that he was fast asleep. He smiled softly, glad that the trickster was able to rest. They hadn’t talked about what happened, Tony didn’t want to push the situation. It took him ages to settle the god and he didn’t want to overdo it. He knew what it was like to be pushed to talk about trauma and he didn’t want to make anything worse. He wanted the god to trust him. It was a good distraction from all of his problems, he thought. He felt bad using Loki’s trauma as a distraction, but it was good for both of them, the mechanic thought. Loki was processing his trauma and Tony was avoiding his. Boom. Win win situation.

He finished his glass of whiskey before he reached for the bottle, cutting out the glass. What was the point? He would probably finish the bottle anyway. He remembered the first time he got drunk. He was hoping that it would make Howard want to spend time with him. After all, when Howard was home he was drinking, so Tony thought it would be like bonding. It wasn’t. The mechanic was sent to his room and Howard avoided him for a week. Good old dad, Tony thought. Always finding ways to avoid his son. Would he be proud of Tony? If Howard could see him now, would he be proud? Or would he forever be disappointed in his son? Those were questions Tony longed for answers to. He wanted to know if he could at least make him proud at some point. He was fighting side by side with Captain America. What wasn’t there to be proud of? He remembered what Peggy told him before he died.

‘Howard would be so proud of you.’

Peggy knew Howard better than anyone, besides Jarvis. Peggy had told Tony a lot, but that was something that really stuck with him. The mechanic wasn’t sure if he believed her, thinking that it was something she’d said to try to cheer him up before she died. Didn’t work, but he appreciated the sentiment. He just wanted to be worth it. He’d never been enough for anyone. So why would he be enough for Loki?

The god deserved better, he thought. He found it amusing how a little over a year ago he’d dreamt of seeing the god suffer, but knowing that he had made him sick. Change of heart, the mechanic had to laugh at the thought. He wouldn’t have ever thought he’d be laying in bed with Loki, but there he was. It was funny how things changed. Soon enough, that would too. Loki would realise that Tony wasn’t worth his time, and leave. The mechanic just wanted to make the most of the time he’d have with his soulmate before he left. That was inevitable. Everyone left Tony. No one ever stayed. He wasn’t good enough.

He smiled bitterly as he reached for another bottle of whiskey. It was one of those nights.

——————————————————————

Tony was going mad. No matter what he did, nothing worked. He just wanted to see everything get better, but would they really? He needed a break. He was sick of the press, specifically, and he knew that he was taking it out on everyone around him, including himself, but he couldn’t help it. He’d argued with Steve more than usual, mainly about the mechanic avoiding everyone but Loki and Bruce, but Bucky jumped to his defence. He appreciated that. He simply couldn’t cope with people. The press kept bringing up Howard and his legacy and how Tony ‘didn’t compare’ to the late mechanic. He was one headline away from a breakdown.

Loki wasn’t doing well, but he seemed to be doing great. He was constantly battling restless nights, but on the bright side he didn’t have many, if any nightmares. He barely ate, much to Tony’s annoyance. He did make a new friend though. He finally understood what Tony meant when he said that Loki and Bucky were ‘birds of a feather’. The god actually considered Bucky a friend. He didn’t fully trust him, but they’d found comfort in their similar situations.

The god checked the time, seeing it was almost midnight. He hated those nights. The ones where Tony would bury himself in his work and forget to look after himself. Most of the time Loki would have to fetch the mechanic to remind him to eat, drink and sleep. Well, drink something that wasn’t alcoholic. He kept an eye on the engineer’s alcohol situation, but Tony stopped drinks when he needed to, so he wasn’t too concerned about the situation. He just wished that the mechanic would stop. Then again, he couldn’t say much.

Loki got out of bed and walked down to the lab, glad to see that everyone else was in bed. Sensible fuckers, he thought. He walked through the lab doors, being met with the sight of Tony working on the reactor. He knew how important it was for the mechanic to get it done, he understood how scary the situation was, but they didn’t stand a chance if the mechanic wasn’t up and running. They needed Tony. He walked over to the engineer and gently wrapped his arms around the mechanic’s waist from behind, resting his chin on his hair.

“It’s late, my love,” Loki said softly, watching as the mechanic kept working on the reactor.

Tony didn’t want to go to bed. Every day they were at risk of Thanos trying to get a stone and they didn’t have many recourses to help get him away. He knew that Loki had said that it wasn’t likely that Thanos would come soon, that he didn’t have a stone and he’d lost two of his team, it would be in his best interest to lay low for a while. Tony understood, but that wasn’t guaranteed. It could happen at any given moment. They didn’t have time.

“I know, I just want to finish this part,” Tony replied, not even stopping to look at his soulmate.

“Love, you’re going to bed, even if I need to carry you,” Loki stated, his tone making it clear that he wasn’t going to accept any arguments.

Tony huffed and put the tools down, looking at the parts with disdain. It was taking a lot longer than he expected, which only made his mood worse. He wanted everything to go smoothly, but that never happened. Everything had to be complicated.

“I don’t have enough time to sleep, Lokes.” Tony frowned.

The pain in Tony’s voice broke the god’s heart. He wanted nothing more than to take all of his pain away, but the god knew that Tony would never let that happen. Besides, it was that pain that pushed the mechanic to help. To be a hero.

“Even with the help of this system, if you’re not up to parr, we wouldn’t have a chance. We need you healthy, Tony,” Loki replied softly, holding the human closer. “I know that he could come at any time. I understand that, but we need you, my love. I need you. So please, come to bed.”

Tony could hear the worry in Loki’s voice. He wasn’t blind. He knew that the god wasn’t sleeping well, but he put that down to nightmares. He hadn’t seen the god eat a decent amount in days. He’d tried to figure out why, but Loki didn’t let anything on. He loved the god, he loved how stubborn he was, but when it came to trying to look after the god, he hated the stubbornness.

“I... you’re right. I’m sorry,” Tony said, turning to look at the god.

Tony found it hard to understand that someone cared about him. It was weird. He couldn’t get used to the fact that that was a thing. It put him under pressure. He couldn’t let the god down, and he felt as if he was. He wasn’t good enough.

“Don’t be sorry, my love,” Loki replied with a soft smile. “Let’s go to bed, okay?”

The mechanic nodded and so they both made their way to bed. Tony felt awful. He’d worried the god. Loki had enough going on, he didn’t need Tony to add to that. The human felt guilty. His mind started to race with ways he could make it up to the god. Normally he’d buy stuff for people, but what could Loki possibly want? Unless it was something stupidly crazy, Loki didn’t seem to be one for gifts. How else did people apologise? A date? That sounded like a nice idea. Then again, there was the issue of food. It couldn’t be out anywhere, just in case it made the situation worse. Miami? Loki had said that he wanted to see more of the world, Miami wasn’t too far if something happened but it was far enough. Plus, they could stay in Tony’s house. The human had to hide a grin as he plotted, excited to be able to pull it off.

As soon as they were in the bedroom, Tony practically threw himself onto the bed. He felt softer clothes replace his previous do, humming in appreciation. Magic made everything easier, he thought. He felt the god lay next to him and he immediately wrapped his arms around the taller, smiling as he did. He didn’t realise how exhausted he was. He was practically fighting to stay awake, which never normally happened.

“Love you,” Tony mumbled, making the god smile fondly.

“Love you too, elskan mín,” Loki replied softly.

Tony was out before he could ask what that meant. Loki smiled as he watched the human. He felt bad for putting him under a sleeping spell, but he knew that the human wouldn’t sleep otherwise. He just wanted to be able to help. He didn’t doubt that Tony would be annoyed when he realised what had happened, but the god was prepared for that. He had the mechanic’s best interests in mind, and though he knew he should’ve asked, he knew that the reply he’d receive would’ve been ‘no’. He couldn’t let the human suffer any longer. He just wanted to help.

Loki knew that he’d probably be killed if Tony learnt the truth about what he was doing. He’d be crushed if he found out that Tony had turned to drugs, but then again, the mechanic relied on alcohol. Even Loki could see that. Tony turned to drinking rather than process his emotions, and that crushed Loki. He couldn’t say much, he turned to drugs to avoid his emotions, but that was different. His body could handle it. Somewhat. It could handle the effects. He needed a lot of it to feel anything, but the high was worth it when it hit. He knew that he was dependant on heroin. He wasn’t stupid. He noticed as soon as he started having withdrawal symptoms that he was fighting another addiction, but he’d faced plenty. What was different about that one? Loki knew that he couldn’t risk Tony finding out. He couldn’t risk upsetting the human. Then again, who would care? Why would anyone care? He deserved it. He deserved the pain. He deserved to die. That’s what he told himself. Every time he got a new needle or a card, or when he got his dagger, he deserved it all.

Loki looked at the sleeping human, his thoughts racing. He was only hurting the mechanic, he thought. It was his fault that Tony was working himself to death, that he was relying more on alcohol as the days passed. Loki couldn’t see the bigger issues, as he thought he was the issue. He thought that Tony would be better off without him, just like everyone else would be.

Maybe that was a plan.

——————————————————

Tony was ecstatic. Beyond that, even. Everything was working out. He’d gotten up before Loki, so he made a couple secret phone calls, then took a smoothie up to the god once Jarvis notified him that he’d awoken. The god didn’t seem to mind drinks, so smoothies were Tony’s go to. He was like an excited child. He’d planned the perfect weekend for them. He figured that they both needed a break, so why not? Besides, it would give Bruce some time to look over what was ready of the reactor and figure out what they’d need to make it more prone to magic.

Steve was worried. Tony was happy. That never happened. The whole team were suspicious, but then the mechanic explained his plan, and it fell into place. Tony was proud of himself. He wasn’t really one for romantics, but when he met Loki... it never seemed romantic to him. It was more attempts to make the god happy rather than romance.

Loki was drained. He felt as if he hadn’t slept in centuries. He could see the appeal in coffee, he thought. He missed sleeping properly, sans the nightmares. He wished to never have them again. That was the one plus to being woken up in the nights by shivers and nausea, he thought. At least he could sneak out without drawing suspicion, he supposed. No one ever went into his room, so he could hide everything in there. It worked well, all things considered.

The god was about to get up in order to search for his soulmate when the door opened. He looked up and saw Tony, looking unusually happy as he held two smoothies. Loki was getting used to smoothies. He was actually enjoying them, which he didn’t expect. He sat up with a tired smile, watching the human.

“Good morning, my love,” the god greeted.

“Morning!” Tony grinned as he sat next to the trickster, handing him the green smoothie. “Your favourite.”

Loki smiled and sipped the drink, appreciating the coldness of it. He especially loved the fact that every smoothie Tony made him was green. It was something small but it was a detail that never ceased to make the god smile.

“Thank you,” Loki replied, clutching the glass in his hands. “When are we meeting Stephen?”

Surprisingly, Loki and Stephen had started to get along. It made working so much easier. Bruce was basking in the lack of migraines after the meetings. Tony wasn’t sure what happened, but after Loki showed a bit of humanity, the doctor eased up on him. They were in no means friends, but they were civil. It was enough to make life easier.

“We’re not. Bruce has to do some checks over the reactor so we’re putting it on hold for the weekend,” Tony explained. “Which means that we can have some alone time.”

“Oh.” Loki’s wyes widened, a hint of a smile on his face. “Alone time? How?”

Tony smirked mischievously, wanting to keep the whole plan a secret. Was that a great idea? Probably not, but he wanted to do something nice for his soulmate. Plus, they could actually figure out what they were. Tony was excited for that.

“We’re going for a weekend away,” Tony replied. “We’re leaving in three hours, so we should start packing at some point.”

Loki couldn’t stop the smile that grew. A weekend alone with Tony? That sounded like heaven. They’d never really had any alone time before, so it would be nice, the god thought.

“Where are we going?” The god asked curiously.

“My house. Well, one of them. It’s probably my favourite. Best view,” Tony replied with a smile.

Tony put his empty glass to the side and wrapped an arm around his soulmate, a smile prominent one his face. He realised that Steve was right. He was completely smitten. He was head over heels for the god. That scared him. Petrified him more than anything. Loki had thrown him out of a window. He’d almost killed them. He’d killed hundreds of people. Tony was petrified, but he loved it. He loved being with the god.

“That sounds lovely,” Loki said, nuzzling into the mechanic’s side as he sipped his smoothie. “You truly are incredible, my love.”

“I guess I am,” Tony teased, making the god laugh happily.

Tony would never get used to that sound. That sound was music to his ears. Loki being genuinely happy just made everything... worth it. It wasn’t often that he saw the god happy, but when he did, it melted his heart.

“Never underestimate your worth. You truly are remarkable. I’ve not met anyone like you, anyone so heroic as you. You give so many people hope, and that’s not easily accomplished. You’re truly remarkable. Please never doubt your worth,” Loki said softly as he rested his head on the humans shoulder.

“That’s easy for you to say, princess.” Tony sighed as he held the god closer.

Loki used his magic to put his empty glass on the bedside table, not wanting to move. He hated how little Tony thought of himself. He wanted to show the mechanic just how amazing he was, but he knew that the human would never listen to him. It pained him.

“Anthony, I wouldn’t lie to you, especially about this. The realm is lucky to have you. I’ve not seen anyone fight so selflessly nor met anyone who cares so deeply about humanity than you do. You give a fair fight, and you work yourself endlessly to see everyone’s safety. Yet you give everyone a chance, even if they don’t deserve it. You seek justice rather than revenge. That’s something not many do. You truly are remarkable, for more reasons than I can count.”

Tony thought about those words. The meaning behind them. The intent. He appreciated the sentiment, but something jumped out at him. He had a feeling that Loki never wanted to survive after attacking New York. That he wanted to be killed during it. It was the way he said ‘you seek justice rather than revenge’. It was unnerving, but he knew better than to comment on it. He didn’t want to ruin the moment.

“Lokes, I appreciate you saying that, I really do, but it’s a bit hypocritical,” Tony replied. “Are we going to ignore what you think about yourself?”

“No, today we’re appreciating you,” Loki answered with a sweet smile. “I love you with all my heart, Tony. Please never doubt that. You... you deserve far better yet here you are. You’re by my side, giving me a chance. That’s something very few would do. I love you, Tony. I simply wish you could be happy.”

“I love you too, Loki. And I wish you could be happy, too.” Tony smiled sadly. “Oh! I almost forgot!” 

Loki looked at the mechanic curiously as he ran to one of the drawers. Tony was always confusing, but now more so than usual. He never ran unless it was into danger. It was mildly concerning, but Loki tried to see the ‘cute’ side to it.

”What is it?” Loki asked softly.

Tony grabbed a box from the drawer before walking back to Loki. The box was black velvet, but too big to be a ring. “I had a thought the other day, pronoun check and all that jazz.” He opened the box to reveal three bracelets, a blue, a pink and a yellow. “Blue is he him pronouns, pink is she her pronouns, yellow is they them pronouns. If I’ve missed any just let me know. I just thought that if you’re in a situation where you can’t shift forms, this will help just a bit.”

Loki looked at Tony with a smile, his eyes burning with tears he was desperately trying to hold back. He couldn’t believe that anyone would go through the trouble to do something like that. He couldn’t believe Tony was so accepting. He didn’t deserve Tony.

“Thank you.” Loki grinned as he pulled the mechanic into a hug. “Thank you so much.”

“No need to thank me, kitten.” Tony smiled as he returned the hug. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

————————————————

“Bruce Banner, love of my life, my soulmate, would you do me the honour of accompanying me to the ball next weekend?” 

Bruce watched the god with an amused smile. He would never get over how dramatically Shakespearean Thor could be at times. It was one of his favourite things about his soulmate. He’d never seen anything like it before but it was adorable, he thought.

“Of course,” Bruce replied with a giddy smile. “What’s the occasion?”

“The ruler of Sakaar is coming to Asgard to go over their truce. They’re throwing a ball to welcome him,” Thor explained.

Thor wasn’t excited. At all. He didn’t want to see En. He didn’t want to have to be nice to him. He didn’t want to even have to look at him. Then again, it was more time spent with Bruce on Asgard. He had a plan. Tony had helped him, but he’d sworn the mechanic to secrecy. Tony knew Bruce better than anyone else on the team, so Thor trusted his judgement. He just hoped that they’d been right. 

“A weekend away sounds nice,” Bruce hummed softly. “We can finally have a peaceful night without being woken up by screams and moans.”

“And you expect different on Asgard?” Thor asked. “Especially with the Grandmaster there. We won’t have any peace.”

Bruce chuckled softly as he leant into the god’s side, relaxing when he felt two arms wrap around his waist. He was already exhausted from working on the reactor, but he was glad to have time to run his own tests on it. He was especially glad to not have to put up with Loki and Stephen bickering for the weekend. That was a blessing.

“It’ll be nice to be away from here, though. Less stress. More drinking and dancing,” Bruce replied. “Anyway, we never got to go to the woods last time.”

Thor smiled at the mention of the woods. He used to spend hours there as a child. He and Loki used to go there to play, Frigga would have to chase them in when the sun set. They both loved it there. They used to, anyway. Thor always went there when he felt nostalgic, when he missed his brother. He didn’t think that Loki even remembered about it.

“Then that will be our priority when we arrive.” Thor smiled.

“I’m holding you to that, Odinson,” Bruce teased amusedly.

“I don’t doubt it, Banner.”

Oh, how he longed for the day where Bruce would take his name. Soon, he thought.

Hopefully.


	22. 22. You Make Me Strong

Tony was petrified. He didn’t know how Loki would feel. Had he ever been on a date before? Probably. He was over a thousand years old. He’d probably been on hundreds of dates. Would this one even compare? Tony was bricking it. He didn’t want to let the god down. Loki was probably used to being showered in gifts, being constantly bowed down to, knelt to, even. Tony was normally materialistic, he’d normally buy his favourite people everything he could, but he didn’t feel like he had to with the god. He felt as if he should, but did Loki seem to mind? Not really.

Loki watched his soulmate suspiciously. He knew that something was going on. He knew that Tony was worried about something, but any time he asked he was shut down. On the jet, the mechanic had been bouncing his leg and now in the car, he was tapping his fingers on his leg. It was worrying the god. Loki desperately wanted to help, but how could he when Tony wouldn’t tell him what was wrong?

The car stopped outside the house, it being right at the edge of a cliff and away from civilisation. It was completely isolated, but it was beautiful. Loki couldn’t help but smile at the view, seeing the sea. He hadn’t seen the sea in so long. He got out of the car, his eyes wide as he inspected the view. Tony watched with a grin. At least he’d gotten that part right. He walked to the gods' side, his eyes never leaving his soulmate.

“This view is beautiful,” Loki said, inspecting the waves with such excitement.

“Eh, not as beautiful as mine,” Tony replied.

The god turned to look at Tony to see where he was looking, only to laugh when he realised. The mechanics' smile only grew. He hadn’t seen Loki laugh so genuinely in so long. He’d done well, he thought, to have planned a getaway. He was just hoping that it would really help the god.

“You truly are something, my love.” Loki smiled happily.

“Yeah, I try.” Tony chuckled softly as he went to the boot to grab their bags.

They didn’t pack much, the house was stocked anyway, all they really needed was some of Loki’s bits. Equally, Tony was expecting his clothes that were already there to start to go missing too. The god had a spell to change the sizes of objects, which led to a lot of Tony’s clothes growing in order to be oversized on the trickster. The mechanic didn’t complain, he found it cute. After a bit of bickering on who would carry the bags in, they settled on taking two each. They were both as stubborn as each other and they’d learnt to meet each other halfway where they needed to.

“Do you come here often?” Loki asked curiously, examining the building as they walked towards the door.

“Not anymore. I used to live here, popped into the tower whenever I needed to, but... switched it about two years ago,” Tony replied.

He and Pepper used to live there. He offered the place to her when they broke up, but she refused. They were still on good terms, luckily. Tony didn’t know what he’d do without his best friend. She’d always been there for him, no matter what. He was sad when they broke up, but he knew that it would never work. He knew that they were destined to fail romantically. He’d accepted that long before they broke up.

“It’s beautiful,” Loki said, standing by the mechanics' side as he unlocked the door.

“Welcome home, baby!” The mechanic grinned as he pushed the door open, revealing the interior.

Loki followed the human in, looking around with a smile. It was quaint, he thought. Definitely more exquisite than the tower in its own way. The tower was technological, big, a statement, whereas the house was big and noticeable, it was secluded, and the inside was modern with an elegant twist. It was truly Tony.

“This truly is beautiful,” Loki said with a smile.

Success, Tony thought. The god liked it and he hadn't even seen the surprise yet. Tony was ecstatic. He'd never cared so much about what people thought before, but Loki... He valued his opinion over everyone else's. He was making it his personal mission to show the god how loved he was, completely disregarding his own health to do so. Was it healthy? No. What did Tony do that was even mildly healthy? He went for the occasional run. Those runs were primarily running away from either his problems or people who wanted to kill him, but they were runs nevertheless.

"Glad you think so, Kitten," Tony replied with a sweet smile. "Now, let's get this shit away and get on with our night!"

Loki chuckled as he followed the seemingly energetic engineer through to the bedroom. The tower was split into floors for each person and a communal floor, it was easy for Loki to find his way around despite not knowing the building at all, whereas the house was massive with no set place for anything. Though the god was used to palaces and big living areas, he knew that it would still take some time to get used to the area and know where everything was. He kept an eye out for any useful things, such as hiding spaces or quick exits and made sure to remember each one. He couldn't be too careful. Once they reached the bedroom, Loki used his magic to unpack, everything being away within seconds of the couple entering the room. Tony looked at the god with wide eyes, in return, Loki shrugged.

"Did you want to waste time putting everything away?" The god asked, an amused smirk playing at his lips. "After all, I could think of much better ways to spend that time."

Tony didn't miss the way the god's eyes darkened, the way he stepped closer to him, his smirk showing something more than mischief. Tempting, Tony thought, but he had a plan and he was going to stick to it. Well, first time for everything. Steve would be proud. Tony gently wrapped his arms around the god's waist, pulling him into a kiss. Loki easily complied, wrapping his arms around the mechanic and pulling him closer. Tony smirked into the kiss, moving a hand into the god's hair, ever so gently tugging it. Then he pulled away.

"Race you to the kitchen!" Tony said with a grin before he ran out of the room.

Loki looked at the door the mechanic had just run through with a confused look. What the fuck was that, he thought. He had no idea what that was about. He was genuinely speechless. He had no idea what Tony was playing at. The god was confused, but at the same time, he couldn't help but be amused. The whole situation was... peculiar, but he loved it. He loved how unpredictable the mechanic could be. The god couldn't help but smile as he thought about what had just happened. He teleported to the foyer, opting to attempt to find the kitchen from there. He walked over to the right-hand side, remembering they'd gone left to go up to the bedroom and they passed a door that looked to lead to a common area. As he walked down the hall, the god heard footsteps. He was going the right way, then. They weren't running, more of a relaxed pace. He had time to make the mechanic regret it, then. He was definitely going to make the mechanic pay for being such a tease. The trickster grinned when he saw the door that revealed the kitchen. He walked in and sat on the island, waiting for the engineer to walk in. He didn't have to wait long. Merely a few seconds later, the mechanic walked in, a mischievous smirk on his face that became more confused as he saw the god.

"You took your time," Loki teased as he got down from the island.

"How the fuck?" Tony asked, clearly more amused than confused.

The god walked over to the human, his smirk only growing. A few years ago that would've unnerved Tony, hell, it still did to a certain extent, but he trusted the trickster. He trusted him with his life. It was hard to be unnerved when he knew that he wasn't going to get hurt. Well, without consent. Loki gently pushed Tony's chin up with a bent finger, leaning closer to the human. Tony's heart was racing. He watched the god, waiting for his next move, feeling almost excited to see what he'd do next. Fuck the plan, he thought. He had much more pressing things to do. The trickster leant in, a smirk on his face.

"I'm not one to be challenged, Stark," Loki said quietly into the human's ear, his accent thicker than usual. The god wrapped his arms around him, to which Tony was practically melting into, his heart beating a million miles an hour. He was in too deep, he realised, but he didn't care. A gentle bite to his ear brought him out of his thoughts, a gasp escaping his lips. Loki chuckled softly and pulled away, moving back over to the island. "So what compelled you to come in here so bad?"

That dick, Tony thought. Then again, he was getting a taste of his own medicine. Still, unfair. He tried to get his thoughts straight, trying to remember why he wanted to go to the kitchen. His thoughts were everywhere, he was unable to focus on anything but his growing lust. He was starting to regret teasing the god. He wanted nothing more than to bend him over the island, to take him there and then, but he had a plan. They could do that later, he thought. After all, if the final product was as good as the samples, he had to squeeze it into the plan.

"Kitchen..." Tony mumbled, trying to remember. Loki's smirk grew as he saw just how much he affected Tony. He loved it. "Ah yes! We're going to make food!"

Simple plan. Loki wouldn't eat anything, but he never had anything to do with the making of food. He didn't react badly to food unless he had to eat it, to which Tony came up with a plan. If they made food together, the god there the entire step of the way and even helping, then maybe it would work. Risky, but he wanted to get to the bottom of the issue. The god couldn't just go without eating for much longer, especially with the state that he was in. Loki nodded, having thought over the plan and found nothing wrong with it. If they both made food, he could see what went into it. He could make sure that there was nothing that would hurt him in it. He was happy to go along it.

"Where do we start?" Loki asked, a sweet, innocent grin replacing his smirk. He would be the death of the mechanic, Tony thought.

Tony wasted no time to get the ingredients out, having planned tomato pasta and garlic bread. Easy to make and light enough for the god after not eating for so long. The mechanic was hoping he could get some answers out of Loki, but he doubted it. He understood that he'd broken his trust, and though he'd been forgiven, it didn't necessarily mean that he was trusted. He'd wondered why Loki forgave him so fast. He'd literally given away the majority of his secrets, and for what? He wouldn't forgive anyone who did that to him, so why would Loki? Why would someone who put guard after guard up, who never let himself be vulnerable, who knew better than to trust people, forgive him for breaking his trust? It didn't make sense. Unless the god was that desperate for love. After all, who ever showed him love? He was abandoned by his parents, his adoptive father called for his torture, his brother ignored him for a decade and he had one friend that anyone knew about. Of course he was desperate for love. Tony was the same once upon a time. It hurt to realise why he'd been forgiven so easily. He looked at the god, seeing that Loki was watching him. He saw that the god was about to speak, clearly about to voice concern for Tony's mood change, but the mechanic didn't want to talk about it. Not now, anyway.

"I'm okay. Just... remembered something," Tony said, forcing a smile. "I... first thing's first, we need to make the pasta."

Loki watched the mechanic, noticing he seemed off. He walked over to the human and gently pulled him into a hug, not quite knowing what else to do. Tony immediately hugged back, even though he felt bad doing so. He didn't deserve that. Why was the god trying to comfort him? He didn't deserve it. Especially after what he did to the trickster. He'd been awful. He pretended to like him to get information out of him. Did the god even know that he did that? He was an awful person, he thought. They'd have to talk about it eventually, but Tony found himself hesitating at the thought. What if Loki left him? He... He couldn't have that. He couldn't lose his soulmate.

“My love, the past is the past. It will never hurt you again. Though it feels as if it will, I can assure you it won’t. They’re merely memories, and though it hurts, they won’t ever do you any harm. Not again,” Loki explained, holding his soulmate close as he did. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Tony replied quietly.

The mechanic felt like shit, but he’d power through. He wanted to make the weekend perfect for Loki. That meant a lot of cuddles, a lot of intimacy, and less alcohol for Tony. That, he wasn’t excited about, but he’d try. Besides, what could go wrong when they were on their own? Well, besides Tony’s crippling self hatred and doubt. Why did he say he’d cut down on alcohol for the weekend?

“Now, pasta?” Loki asked, sensing that Tony didn’t want to dwell on it.

Tony perked up after that. He started teaching Loki how to make pasta. Of course, he played it as if he was a natural, but truth was he’d studied a recipe while he was planning the weekend and was hoping he could pull it off.

He could.

Loki, being the mischievous trickster he was, decided it would be fun to throw some flour at the mechanic. Cliche, Tony thought, but impossibly adorable. That ended in a full on flour war, which made Tony regret giving the cleaners time off. He really didn’t want to waste time tidying that. Then, within a second it was all gone. He looked at the god and smiled, earning a smile in reply. The god would be the death of him.

“You’ve got flour on your nose,” Loki said with an innocent smile. Tony wiped it away as he chuckled.

“You’re a mischievous little shit,” Tony replied with a grin.

“But you love it.”

“I do.”

The soulmates looked at each other for a few seconds, taking in their situation. They should’ve hated each other. They should’ve been trying to kill each other, but they weren’t. They were playing with each other, expressing their love for each other. Who would’ve thought?

“What’s next?” Loki eventually asked.

“Oh, bread,” Tony replied.

Tony knew how to make a good loaf of bread. Jarvis had taught him when he was young. He could also make a pasta sauce. He’d just never made pasta before, he’d always bought it. It could go wrong, but given Loki’s current eating, it was worth a shot.

Loki wasn’t bad at cooking, which surprised Tony. He hadn’t expected the god to be so confident in the kitchen, given the fact that he was royalty. Oh god, Tony was dating a prince. What did that make him? Would it mean he’d have to become royalty if they married? Oh that was hilarious, Tony thought.

“This is gross,” Loki remarked as he knead the sticky mixture.

“You don’t normally complain at sticky things,” Tony replied without thinking about it.

Loki couldn’t help but laugh at Tony’s statement. He didn’t know why he didn’t expect that. He’d come to expect a lot from the mechanic, yet he still had that unpredictability about him. It was exciting.

“Smooth, Stark.” The god chuckled.

Tony smiled innocently before he got the tin out, instructing the god to put the mix in there. Once done, the mechanic set the bread to rise next to the pasta dough. He set a timer for half an hour before he walked back over to the god.

Loki, being the mischievous shit he was and seeing that Tony was back to his chirpy self, remembered his revenge. As if covering the mechanic in flour wasn’t enough. He gently hugged the engineer from behind and started to kiss his neck, smiling as the human melted into his touch. The god ran his hands down the mechanic’s waist, smirking when he heard a small gasp emit from Tony as he gently bit his neck. He made sure to leave plenty of marks before he walked away, going back over to the ingredients.

“What next?” Loki asked.

Tony watched the god with wide eyes, realising that the torment probably wouldn’t stop. Tony wasn’t complaining, but he knew he’d have a hard time focusing.

“Uh- sauce! Yes, sauce.” Tony had to double check, his trial of thought having been thrown.

Loki was having way too much fun. He loved winding people up, especially when they'd attempted to do the same to him. Seeing Tony flustered made Loki much happier than he'd admit. Did that make him a bad person? He chuckled to himself as he let himself enjoy the sight of Tony flustered as the mechanic got the ingredients out. Loki was enjoying himself far too much. Tony was cursing himself. What did he expect to happen after teasing Loki? He wasn't complaining, but he did wish he could just take what he wanted there and then. That would get the innocent smile off of the god's face.

"How do we do it?" Loki asked curiously.

Tony took great pride in teaching Loki how to cook human food. Knowing something the god didn't? He was loving it. He felt useful. The mechanic made sure to be as helpful as possible, which sounded easier than he thought. He noticed that the heat was seeming to affect Loki so the god took over chopping vegetables while Tony fried them. Then it came to the most cliche moment he had planned. It wouldn't last long as he didn't want the giant icicle around the oven for too long, but he wanted to be cute. As Loki stirred the sauce, Tony went behind him and wrapped his arms around him, one hand covering Loki's as they stirred the sauce slowly, making sure it didn't stick. Tony was loving it, he normally hated cliche's but he loved being so close to Loki. The god found it amusing, seeing how much shorter Tony was, but he loved it. He leant into the mechanic's touch, wanting nothing more than to cuddle. Then again, he really wanted food. He was starving, not that he would admit it. He didn’t want to be a problem.

“I love times like these,” Tony said quietly. “I love you.”

“As do I, my love,” Loki replied with a smile. “I love you too.”

Tony grinned as he held the god closer. He felt at peace. He wasn’t expecting that. He wasn’t expecting to really be happy and content, but he was. He knew that he had a lot he should be doing instead of having a romantic getaway, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He was happy with Loki. Happy with his soulmate. He wanted to take the time to be selfish, like he’d never been before. He looked at the god with a smile before he let him go.

“Get away from the cooker. You’ll melt before long,” Tony told the god with a smile.

Loki chuckled softly and stepped away from the cooker, finding he felt hotter than usual. He’d never felt comfortably hot before, he found himself quite enjoying it. He couldn’t explain it, but he loved it.

“I feel rather useless now that everything is cooking,” Loki said, leaning back against the counter with a smile.

“Babe, you’re literal royalty. Surely you’re used to having everything done for you,” Tony replied amusedly.

Loki feigned hurt, putting a hand to his chest as he gasped. He hated having the ‘you don’t do anything for yourself’ thing plastered on him. He made sure he did whatever he wanted himself. He’d gone to different realms and planets to learn new skills. He made his own armour and clothing, he made his own weapons, he did whatever he could on his own. Mainly because he hated people thinking he did nothing for himself.

“I try not to let that happen,” Loki answered. “I dislike taking advantage of people.”

“You really are something.” Tony smiled as he pulled some bowls out. “Can you chuck the garlic butter onto the bread?”

“Manners, Anthony,” Loki replied. “Just because I like doing things doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate manners.”

“Mhm, sure thing, princess.” Tony chuckled. “Can you butter the bread please?”

“Of course,” Loki replied with a smile.

Loki spread the garlic butter they’d mixed together onto the sliced bread as Tony dished up the pasta. Loki hadn’t had human food in a while, but that looked better than anything he’d had in... years, really. He followed Tony, carrying the plate full of garlic bread. Tony was excited. They were going to the main surprise, and he couldn’t wait.

Tony led Loki out to the balcony, revealing the surprise. There was a den made out of sheets, held up by poles, fairy lights running through and around it. It pointed out to the sea so that they’d have a nice view. Inside we’re pillows and numerous bottles of wine and water. There were candles, all lit. It had taken Tony a while to set it up, it was clear to see. Loki gasped as he saw it, following Tony inside.

“Surprise, Princess.” Tony smiled happily.

Loki was almost in tears. He’d never had anything like that before. Anyone who tried to court him only ever gave him material objects in hopes to win his love, trying to get closer to the throne or to Thor. En... En did his best. He did what he knew. That meant materials and sex. Loki didn’t complain. He thought he loved the Elder. They’d just misunderstood the love they shared. Of all the people who had tried to court him, no one had done that. No one had gone through so much effort for him. No one had cared enough to go through the effort that Tony had. Maybe he was wrong, maybe he was just blindly searching for love, but it felt real.

“I... you did this?” Loki asked, looking at the human with wide, ready eyes.

“Well, I planned and helped,” Tony replied softly. “I just... I wanted to show my appreciation. You’ve done so much for me, and I wanted to thank you.”

Tony watched the god, seeing how emotional he looked. The mechanic put the plates down on the cushions and walked back over to the trickster before pulling him into a hug. He gently rubbed Loki’s back, wanting to comfort him.

“You’ve nothing to thank me for, Anthony,” Loki said softly. “You’ve done so much for me. You’ve given me a place to live, you’ve treated me better than anyone has in a long time, you’ve shown me love. You’ve shown me that happiness is possible. Truly, it’s I who should be thanking you.”

Tony pulled away, looking at the god with a soft smile. He’d never felt anything like he had before. He loved Loki with all his heart. As much as he hated it at the start, he started to love it. The feeling was exhilarating. He never wanted it to end.

“No. Lokes, trust me on this. I’m showing you the love you deserve. I’m treating you the way you deserve to be treated. Whatever anyone else is doing... fuck them. They don’t deserve you. You deserve so much better than what you have,” Tony explained.

“And trust me. I can see that you’re hurting, that something pains you, and I want to help. I want to show you that happiness is possible. That you deserve to be loved. That you are truly a good person. I want to do for you everything that you’ve done for me,” Loki replied softly.

“I’m happy, Lokes. Look at me, I’m sober, I’m not working, and I’m with my soulmate, having the time of my life. I’m happy, and that’s because of you. You’ve made me happy, Loki. You’ve reminded me that love exists. You’ve done so much for me, and I can’t thank you enough.”

“And you make me happy, Tony. Truly, remarkably happy. Thank you.”

Tony smiled happily as he pressed a gentle, quick kiss to the god’s lips before he pulled away. He gently held his soulmate’s hand and gently pulled him to the cushions. The mechanic sat down and poured them each a glass of wine before he handed the now sat down god cutlery. He couldn’t describe the feeling of excitement and relief when the god willingly ate. He didn’t panic. He didn’t start dissociating. He ate. It was cooking food from scratch then. Tony didn’t mind, he enjoyed cooking with the god. The reasoning behind why Loki wouldn’t eat anything he didn’t see being made, Tony could guess. It made him unreasonably angry, but that was something for later. He wouldn’t let that ruin their night.

“The view’s beautiful,” Tony said softly.

“Not as beautiful as you,” Loki replied without missing a beat. 

Tony chuckled at the god’s quick response before he carried on eating, nudging closer to the trickster. He was surprised at just how good the food was, having not made pasta or garlic bread before. He supposed the fun they had making it helped too. He’d never had so much fun cooking. It was something he was looking forward to doing a lot more. 

“Y’know,” Tony started to speak once they both finished eating. “If you’d told me eleven years ago that we’d be here right now, I would’ve told you to fuck off.”

“I would say the same,” Loki replied with a light chuckle. “I figured it then that we were soulmates. I kept getting the marks and I felt connected to you, if that makes sense.”

“Same here, kitten,” Tony said. “Completely ignored it, didn’t really want to face that issue. Forgot about it until we got to Asgard.” 

Loki smiled sadly and gently took Tony’s hand in his. He hated how they first met, but he was beyond glad that they’d worked it out. That they were there, happy, alive, in love.

“Speaking of Asgard.” Loki smiled sheepishly. “There’s another ball taking place next weekend. Would you care to join me?”

“And be able to dance with you this time? Definitely,” Tony replied with a grin. “What’s the ball for?”

“En is coming to Asgard. Odin likes to appease guests that may be a threat to him, so he’s throwing a ball to welcome him,” Loki answered softly.

That ruined it. Tony didn’t have anything against En, other than the fact that he seemed dodgy, possibly used Loki for sex, ran what was essentially a world of dubious consensual sex work and murder, and was Loki’s ex. Tony wasn’t jealous. At least, that’s what he told himself.

“Well... looks like we’re having another romantic getaway!” Tony smiled.

Loki chuckled softly and gently pulled Tony into a kiss, sensing his disdain over the mention of his ex. If even the mention of him was enough to make the human jealous, he couldn’t wait for the weekend. After a few seconds, the god gently pulled away. 

“We should clean up,” Loki said, making the human scoff.

“Oh, please, you’ve been teasing me all day, let me have this,” Tony replied, moving closer to the god.

“My love, I’ve not stopped you all day,” Loki stated amusedly. He loved winding the human up far too much.

“Well... fucking under the stars is more romantic than over a kitchen counter, right?” Tony asked with an amused smirk. 

“You’re remarkable,” Loki replied as he shook his head, trying not to laugh.

“Is that a no?”

“Just fuck me, you fool.”


	23. 23. Doubt That The Sun Doth Move

Loved. Something Loki rarely felt, but it was there. He felt happy. He felt loved. Their night was perfect. After they’d finished, they fell asleep in the den. It was peaceful. It was perfect. Well, until Loki woke up. He ignored his shaking hands and his lowering temperature, opting to enjoy the view. He hated the fact that he was so dependant on something. He hated the fact that he couldn’t stop. He always found himself running back to the needle, despite his own wishes to stop. He knew how to stop. He’d been through it enough times to know what to do. He just didn’t want Tony to know. He couldn’t know.

Loki stared up at the stars, finding both fear yet peace at the sight. He knew what was up there. He knew what was waiting for him. He knew that the next time he came face to face with the Titan and his children, he wouldn’t be able to escape. Not again. He’d managed it twice, there wouldn’t be a third. He couldn’t help but wonder if it was worth it to end it there and then. Would that be cowardice? If he died, he wouldn’t be able to stop Thanos. He wouldn’t be able to aid in the battle that was sure to come. Then again, if he died, three stones would be eliminated. They were in Loki’s ‘space pocket’, as Thor had once called it. Only he could get to them. The tesseract, the aether and the orb were in his space pocket. If he died, Thanos wouldn’t be able to get to them. If Thanos wished to get to them, he had the means to do it. Torture wouldn’t work on Loki. The Titan had learnt that. The god would take whatever, without spilling any information. Loki had other weaknesses. He had Thor. Frigga. Tony. Hel, perhaps even the whole team. The god was worried that Thanos would target Tony. Why wouldn’t he? That was a perfect way to get to Loki. Target his soulmate. There was no way Thanos didn’t know. Loki had to protect Tony.

How would the mechanic react if Loki died? Would he really care? Or would he carry on as if nothing ever happened? Would he cry? Would he mourn? En didn’t. No, he just brought the god back. Time and time again. It became a routine. Loki would die, En would bring him back, they’d talk, then carry on with their lives. Loki hated it. He just wanted it all to be over. He remembered the first time he opened up to En about it. It was after his ninth attempt after meeting the Elder. En brought him back and Loki broke down. He asked why the Elder wanted him to suffer, why he made Loki live despite the pain that never ended, why he hated the god. They got closer after that. Loki couldn’t remember it very well, but En had told him. He’d assured him that no matter what, he’d never let the god die because he deserved to see happiness. En cared. The god knew that and he appreciated it. He knew he had a friend in En, no matter what happened. Even though they hadn’t spoken since Loki had that dream, since he remembered his capture, the god knew that the Elder would always be there. After all, why else would he be going to Asgard? Loki remembered the first time Frigga found him dying. He couldn’t quite remember how old he was, but thought perhaps twenty three. It was his third attempt, first one that brought him close to death. Frigga brought him back. He said it was an accident, that a spell backfired and he didn’t realise it would be so bad. The excuses only grew in amount.

En had always made it clear that he cared and that he would never let the god die because ‘he didn’t deserve to die’. Frigga, once she realised what was going on, seemed distraught. Took away all of the sharp objects in the cell and made sure that the guards were with him at every moment. Of course, she regretted that once she realised what was going on. Once he was in his bedroom, there were no sharp objects in there either. They never talked about it. They never found reason to. How would Tony react? Would he not care? Would he wish that it had happened sooner? Or would he care? When he attempted again, Loki would use the excuse of ‘hiding the stones from Thanos.’ Did he even want to die? Loki had found himself in the odd position of being content. Of being happy. It was weird, he thought. Besides, he knew that if he attempted again that En would bring him back. Maybe if he left a note, he wouldn’t? Well, that didn’t work so well before. He vaguely remembered that once he left a note saying ‘let me die’ which was blatantly ignored by the Elder. En never took orders from anyone. It was irritating yet admirable, the god found. If he made it clear that while he was dead the stones were protected, would they allow it? Would he be happy? Loki would be in Hel. There’d be no happiness there. There’d be no Tony. He was happy. He was loved. He shouldn’t be thinking of death, he thought. He shouldn’t be thinking of excuses as to why he’d kill himself. He couldn’t help but feel guilty that he felt that way. He was taking drugs, he was hurting himself, but he had more than he ever had. He had his soulmate, he had people he could talk to. He had happiness. So why did he still want to die?

“Doubt thou the stars are fire.”

Loki was brought back to reality by the words spoken behind him. He turned around to see Tony sat up in the den, watching him. Tony had been awake for about a minute, and even though he was concerned as to why the god was awake, he seemed peaceful. Loki was staring up at the stars, his scarred back lit by the endless fairy lights around the den. Tony was surprised Loki was still himself, minus all illusions. He didn’t expect the god to stay in that form. He was complaining. He just wished the god didn’t have that much pain to process.

“Doubt that the sun doth move,” Loki said softly, a small smile on his face. Tony got up and walked over to his soulmate, a smile on his face. He stopped next to the god, leaning against the balcony with a grin. “Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.”

Tony couldn’t help but smile. That quote embodied Loki, he thought. He could hear the sincerity in the god’s voice as he spoke, his gaze only full of love as he recited the quote. He felt genuinely happy. Loki seemed much more relaxed, and that made him feel so much better. His plan had worked.

“Who would’ve thought you’d be so lovey-dovey,” Tony teased, clearly amused by the situation. When he first met the god, he’d never expected him to be as romantic and loving as he was.

“I’m full of surprises,” Loki replied amusedly.

Loki had always been a sucker for love. He’d tried to avoid it. Ever since he was young he’d do anything for love. He couldn’t get love from his ‘father’ so he’d try to get it anywhere he could. From random hookups to possible suitors. He couldn’t help it. He tried to stop it but nothing ever worked. Hence why he started to become a lot more sexual. He thought that maybe if he couldn’t have a long term lover he could have multiple short term ones. Ones that were only around for a night. Sakaar definitely didn’t help that. En did, but then they broke up for the final time. Then he went back to sleeping around. It worked. It did the job. But it didn’t compare to the love Tony showed him.

“Have you had relationships with anyone before me?” Tony asked, looking at the god curiously.

Tony realised he didn’t know much about the trickster’s past and he wanted to know more. He wanted to know exactly who he was with. He thought that maybe asking about relationships was a good start, especially since they were on the topic.

“Yes, not many. My first was a woman named Sigyn, though we broke up after a couple of years. She was lovely. Then there was En. We were on and off for a few centuries, though nothing ever came from it. We realised that we were better suited as friends.” Loki explained. “And you?”

Loki remembered his previous relationships well. He remembered Sigyn. He wondered what ever happened to her. He knew that they didn’t end their relationship for the best of reasons. She was the only one who saw Loki for Loki. Not the prince of Asgard. Not Thor’s brother. Not the god of mischief. Loki. She was one of the nicest people he’d met on Asgard. He truly had nothing but love for her. Friendly love, of course. En... was En. He didn’t care about Loki’s family or his titles. After all, what would En get out of it?

“Well... serious relationships? Only Pepper. We were engaged. It’s just... after everything... she couldn’t handle my ‘mental instability.’” Tony shrugged, looking back out over the balcony.

It still hurt, weirdly enough. No, Tony didn’t miss being with Pepper. They still talked. She ran the company, Tony just built stuff. Loki felt awful. He knew that he contributed to with Tony’s ‘instability’. He’d heard enough about it and he’d seen enough of Tony’s thoughts regarding it. He felt awful.

“I’m sorry. That must have been horrible,” Loki replied softly.

“Why are you sorry? You didn’t... you didn’t break us up.” Tony looked at the god with a frown. “Believe me, I was highly unstable before we met. Less unstable now, I think. I don’t know. I don’t think about it.”

“You should,” Loki replied. “It’s not good to ignore your pain.”

Tony shrugged and looked away. He didn’t want to seem weak. After all, that was the one thing Howard didn’t want. He didn’t want the Stark name tarnished in any way. He had to uphold that in some way.

“And what do you do?” Tony asked, making Loki go quiet. “Why don’t we talk about it now? A little therapy session can’t hurt.”

Loki looked at his soulmate wordlessly. What was there to talk about? There was nothing that the god wanted to talk about. Nothing that was worth talking about. He wanted to ignore the feelings he desperately tried to run from. What was the point? He may as well try to be happy.

“A therapy session? Anthony, you do truly amuse me.” Loki smiled tightly as he looked away, his hair falling in front of his face.

“Then I’ll start,” Tony said. “I feel awful about what I did to you. I abused your trust and that... that wasn’t okay. At all. And I don’t know why you’ve forgiven me so fast, I just-”

“Our time is limited. I don’t want to waste it by holding petty grudges.” Loki interrupted. “It’s not the worst thing anyone’s ever done to me. Besides, I threw you out of a window. I feel that perhaps that’s worse.”

“Know your worth, Loki. You deserve someone who won’t do that to you. Who’ll treat you like the royal bitch you are,” Tony replied.

“I know my worth. I’ve made that abundantly clear. I wouldn’t forgive you unless I had reason to, Anthony. Believe me, I hold grudges on those who deserve it. You do not.” Loki finally looked at Tony, both still leaning against the balcony. “Besides, who said I’ve forgiven you? The damage has been done. Trust is broken. Though I’ve decided not to dwell on it. What’s the point? I could hold a grudge for the next century, though that’s time we don’t have. Even the next decade would be too long. I was planning on leaving. I didn’t want to stay knowing what you’d done, though I realised that by doing that I’d be torturing myself. Despite that situation, you treat me better than anyone ever has. You treat me like a person. Not a monster, not Thor’s brother, not royalty, but me. I love you. That will never change. You’re the only person I want. I love you, Anthony. Despite everything, despite what you did, nothing will ever change the fact that I love you.”

That shut Tony up. The mechanic took the time to process what the god told him, trying to figure out how to feel. Loki had a point, he thought. With Tony’s lifestyle, with his job... he didn’t have long. If a bad guy didn’t kill him, the alcohol would. That wasn’t long for Loki, he knew that.

“We don’t have to do this.” Tony suddenly blurted after a minute of silence. “I just... is this worth it to you? I mean... I’ve got what? Twenty years tops? And that must be like twenty minutes to you. I’m just a human, Loki. I can’t give you anything special. I can’t do anything that’ll blow you away. I’m just me.”

“For someone so intelligent, you really are dim.” Loki chuckled softly, gently taking the human’s hand in his own. “Has it ever occurred to you that I simply want you? You’re enough. You always have been and always will be. I love you. Isn’t that enough?”

“You’re a god! I’m what? Why can’t you understand that?” Tony asked, looking at Loki with such pain in his eyes.

Loki looked away, trying to think. He understood. He knew what it was like to feel inferior. To be with someone that you felt you could never give anything to. He looked back at the mechanic, not even trying to mask the pain he felt.

“I understand, my love. I truly do. I wish you’d see your worth. You’re far more than I could ever be. I wish you could see that. No matter what you are or what you have, I will always love you. What can I do to show you that? Tell me, Anthony, and I will do it. I promise.” Loki never looked away from his soulmate, wanting him to see just how sincere the god was being.

“Nothing. There’s nothing you can do. I’m sorry.” Tony frowned as he looked away. “I need to get through this myself. This is something I need to do myself. I’m sorry.”

Loki gently pulled his soulmate into a hug, his mind racing with ideas. He had a plan. A risky plan, but one that could pay off. He just wanted to see Tony happy, to see him assured in their relationship. He didn’t want to think about what would happen if he failed. If it worked, if Tony accepted, they’d have so much more time together. They needed that.

“And I’ll be here to support you every step of the way,” Loki replied softly, smiling as he felt the human hug back. “No matter what. I’ll be by your side. I love you, Anthony. Please never forget that. I will always love you.”

“I love you too, Loki. I love you more than anything,” Tony mumbled into the god’s shoulder.

Loki smiled sadly as he gently rubbed the mechanic’s back, wanting nothing more than to take his pain away. He wanted to see the mechanic happy. He wanted to see his smile again. Not the smile that he put on around other people, no, but the smile like the one on his face when they were cooking. When they were eating and talking. He wanted to see his soulmate happy, because that’s what he deserved.

“Have I ever told you that you’re the best thing to ever happen to me?” Loki asked softly.

“Fuck off, you sap,” Tony replied with a smile, trying to hide just how big it was.

Loki chuckled softly and gently kissed the top of the mechanic’s head. Tony would never admit it, but sometimes he liked being held. He liked being showed that he was loved. The god knew. It wasn’t hard to figure out. Of course. He was happy the mechanic whatever he wanted. He just wanted Tony to be happy. Besides, he loved taking care of his soulmate.

“You love it,” Loki said softly.

“I do.” Tony agreed. “You’re cold.”

Loki hesitated. He was hoping that the genius wouldn’t notice. He didn’t have to worry about that the last time he was addicted. The spell Odin put on him made him Aesir in every way. Once that was broken, he was Jotun in every way besides his looks. He could shift that. At least his skin couldn’t burn anyone, he thought. He wasn’t that cold in his Aesir form.

“Well, we are standing outside while naked,” Loki replied amusedly.

“Are you complaining?” Tony asked, raising a brow as he looked up at the god.

“Why would I?” Loki asked in reply. “No. I’m rather enjoying.”

Tony smiled as he gently pulled away. He saw a couple of bruises on the god’s shoulder and his smile grew, glad that they hadn’t healed yet. Loki caught him staring and he couldn’t help but blush as he looked away. Tony smirked amusedly, he loved how the god reacted to him. He loved how only he got to see Loki like that.

“Don’t act all innocent. You and I both know you’re far from it.” Tony smirked as he cupped the god’s cheek, making him look at him.

“You’re insufferable,” Loki eventually said, a smile on his face.

“Mhm. You weren’t complaining earlier,” Tony replied amusedly. “Now come on, it’s cold and I want cuddles.”

Loki chuckled softly as he gently took Tony’s hand in his. He knew that if he went back to the cushion-bed then that he’d struggle to get away without waking the mechanic. He didn’t want to risk Tony finding out. What would he do if he knew? Loki didn’t think he wanted to know. After all, Sigyn left because it was too much. What would stop Tony from doing the same?

“I’ll join you in a minute, my love,” Loki said softly, a small smile on his face. “I trust you’ll keep the bed warm.”

“Of course. Now hurry up, I want to cuddle,” Tony replied.

Loki chuckled softly and walked inside. Tony smirked as he noticed the god had a small limp. He did that, the mechanic thought. His smile only grew as he got back into the den, curling up in the blankets. Loki seemed different, he thought. More like the old Loki. The one a year ago. The one before the party. He still wasn’t sure what happened that night, but it didn’t seem to matter. He hoped it didn’t. He hoped he hadn’t said anything bad. He didn’t trust his drunk self. He knew that he could be vicious when he was drunk. Just like his father.

That was coming up. The anniversary of their death. One day. He wasn’t looking forward to it. The world was already in mourning again. They all compared him and Howard. They all talked about how much of a disappointment Tony was compared to his father. After all, Howard had helped in a war. What had Tony done? Oh, just saves the world from multiple creatures. Nothing big. He couldn’t do anything right when it came to living up to his name. People were already complaining about how he didn’t have an ‘heir’. He didn’t care. Tony didn’t think that he was ready for kids. Besides, if he had them, they’d be a target. He was Iron Man. He had countless enemies. Throwing kids into the mix would end badly. No, he couldn’t have kids. He’d have to figure out what would happen to the company another time. Pepper could look after it, he thought. But then again, who would make things? Who would be the brains? Pepper would be the boss. After all, she was doing a great job. What would be the point of chucking her out? It would kill the company. Stark Industries wouldn’t survive without Pepper. It just left the question of who would take over after Tony’s days.

“Are you alright, my love?” Loki asked softly as he sat next to the mechanic.

Tony jumped, having not seen the god come back. He immediately wrapped an arm around his soulmate, bringing him to lay down by his side. He could feel Loki start to warm up, which he didn’t question aloud, but he had his suspicions. He was worried that Loki was getting ill. Did frost giants struggle with earth’s weather? Was it dangerous for Loki to be there for long amounts of time? Then again, Asgard was hotter than earth. Why was the god still freezing on Asgard if it was just him ‘getting used to the weather?’ 

“I’m alright. I just missed you,” Tony replied with a smile.

“My love, I was only gone for a minute.” Loki chuckled softly as he nuzzled into the mechanic.

“A minute too long.” Tony hummed contently as he held the god closer. “Do you know how to tango?”

Loki looked at the human confusedly. He would forever be confused by the mechanic’s thought process. Then again, he loved it. He loved how unpredictable his soulmate was. After all, they were as crazy as each other, and it was brilliant.

“I do. Why?” Loki asked curiously.

“Do you have a dramatically long tight black dress?” Tony asked. “Never mind. That was a stupid question. Of course you do. You’re just that dramatically seductive. It’s on brand for you. You’ve got a very specific brand and I’m here for it.” 

Tony held the god closer as he hummed tiredly. He was exhausted. He was barely even thinking as he spoke, struggling to stay awake.

“Are you okay?” Loki asked softly.

“I’m picturing you as Morticia. I’m more than okay,” Tony replied with a smile. “Do you know who that is or are we going on an Addams binge tomorrow? You’ll love it. It’s great. I’m sure you’ll relate to them.” 

“Anthony?”

“Yes, Morticia?”

“Go to sleep.”

“Fine.” 

Tony huffed as he pulled the blanket up, still holding the god close. Loki couldn’t stop smiling as he watched his soulmate, finding his tired rambling one of the most adorable things he’d ever seen. He had no idea what the mechanic was talking about, but it was adorable. Tony was adorable. Loki watched as the mechanic fell asleep, finally looking at peace. The god practically clutches onto the human as he closed his eyes, feeling his body relax into the numerous cushions under them. Despite everything, maybe things would be okay. They’d talked. They’d opened up to each other. That was progress, right?

Then why did he still want to die?


	24. 24. You Can’t Cover Up What You’ve Done

Tony didn’t want to open his eyes. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to face the world. Even though he hadn’t opened his eyes yet, he knew that it was going to be a rough day. December sixteenth seemed to last forever, and though he’d only been awake for a few seconds, it already felt like hours. He remembered the first anniversary. That was one of the worst. At that time, he didn’t have any self-worth. He was still low from everything his parents said and did, and he thought that maybe by dying he’d make them proud. That the company wouldn’t go to someone who ‘didn’t deserve it’ or ‘wasn’t smart enough for it’. He thought that he could finally do something right. Peggy essentially babysat him for six months after that. Then there was the fourth year. Peggy was working a mission and he was all alone, so he tried again. Rhodey found him, but he wasn’t sure how. He couldn’t remember the night that well. After Saudi Arabia, he stopped trying. He realised what harm he’d done to the world and he wanted to fight to fix his mistakes. It was hard. Every now and then he kept thinking that maybe, just maybe, everything would be better if he wasn’t there, but then he looked at his soul mate... those thoughts went. He was staying alive to protect his love. To make the most of the time they had together. After all, it was limited.

Tony thought over the words that they hadn’t discussed. The day after it they pretended as if those words hadn’t been said. It had only been two days but those words stuck to him. Loki forgave him because they don’t have much time together. Well, not to the god, anyway. Tony had the rest of his life, however long that would be. He wished that there was a way to go back in time so they could meet sooner. Or become a vampire. That one would be amusing, he thought. Then again, he didn’t want to be anything but human.

Thinking of his soulmate, he realised that he was alone. He sat up in the bed, seeing that the room was void of any other life. He sat still for a few minutes as he tried to gain the motivation to move. He felt horrendous, and he couldn’t even begin to unscramble his emotions. He felt grief, sadness, relief, but still felt numb. Did he want Loki to see him like that? At quite possibly his worst? The mechanic couldn’t wait to get back to the tower so he could drink. He could drink the night away and come somewhere near close to peace with his thoughts.

He slowly got out of bed, standing for a few seconds while he gathered some sort of control over his emotions. Moving seemed like a lot of work, like it was almost too hard. He almost laughed at how familiar the feeling was. He could never seem to escape it. He walked downstairs, thinking it would be easy to call for the god, but couldn’t find the strength to even whisper, let alone shout. So he searched the living room, then went to the kitchen, relieved to find the god cooking. That was new, he thought. Sure, they’d cooked together while they were in the mansion, but Loki hadn’t cooked on his own before. The god turned and smiled when he saw Tony.

“Good morning!” Loki smiled. “How did you sleep?”

“Good,” Tony replied, a bit quieter than he wanted to. “What’re you doing up so early?”

“Woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep.” That wasn’t technically a lie. The god woke up, shot up, then started worrying about what the mechanic would do if he got caught. The worry stopped him from sleeping, so he asked Jarvis for a recipe for pancakes, and got to work. “Now the same question to you, my love. You should be resting.”

Tony looked at the god suspiciously. Loki knew, he thought. He didn’t want to be waited on, he didn’t want to be treated any different to how he was any other day. He wanted it to be a normal day, hence why he wanted to stay in the mansion for as long as he could. He wanted to hide.

“Woke up. Couldn’t go back to sleep.” Tony shrugged as he sat down on the counter. “You don’t have to do this, y’know?”

“But I want to,” Loki replied. “Anthony, this weekend has been perfect. You’ve done so much for me, let me do this for you. It’s the least you deserve.”

Or it’s a way to make sure Tony eats. That’s what the mechanic thought, anyway. He was tired of people lying to him, trying to mask the fact that they were babysitting him. He hadn’t told Loki about the date, but he was sure that someone else had, or even if he’d just seen it plastered over social media. Did the god even know that social media existed? Either way, Loki had probably found out some way or another. Now he had another person walking on eggshells around him.

A plate of pancakes appeared in front of the mechanic, breaking him away from his thoughts. He looked up at the god and did his best to smile, wanting to seem okay. He didn’t feel it, but he tried.

“Thank you, kitten,” Tony said softly.

Loki sat opposite him and started to eat, Tony following suit. Their weekend had been going amazing, just as the mechanic wanted, but he always knew that that day would be the hardest. He felt bad, but he needed to be away from the team for the majority of the day, at least. He was hoping Loki wouldn’t notice, but he knew that he was dealing with someone just as smart as he was. He knew that the god would notice, he just hoped it didn’t ruin their day.

“What do you wish to do today?” Loki asked in between bites.

“Uh... maybe we could watch some movies?” Tony suggested. “Considering that went so well yesterday.”

They’d spent the day watching renditions of The Addams Family. They watched the movies, the TV show, even the musical. Loki absolutely loved it, much to Tony’s delight. At one point, they even danced together. It really was the perfect day, Tony thought. It was everything he wanted.

“A lazy day sounds nice. It would be nice to relax before we return to the tower,” Loki replied, a small smile on his face.

Loki wanted to stay, but knew that it was impractical. He liked the team, it wasn’t anything to do with them, but he enjoyed the serenity of being alone with Anthony. He could let his guard down, he didn’t have to worry about anyone finding out things he didn’t want them to know. He could relax. He loved it.

Tony wanted to reply, but it felt like his mind was stopping him. Like he didn’t have the energy to even move his mouth. Loki noticed, having been watching his soulmate the entire time. So he started talking. Rambling, even. About their previous day, about the comparison to dancing in Asgard, anything he could. Tony couldn’t help but smile softly at his soulmate’s actions. Maybe Loki genuinely did care. He loved the fact that only he ever saw the god in that light. The caring, selfless, loving asshole that he was. Then again, he wished that the god could open up to others. Maybe Bucky would crack him, he thought, remembering the two were getting close back in the tower. They would be such a chaotic duo, the mechanic thought. The chaos that would erupt would be hysterical.

Once they were finished eating, Loki used his magic to clean up. Tony loved that. He loved not having to clean, it just being done in seconds. He noticed that the god was concentrating on it, something he’d never seen the god do when it came to magic. He normally did it as if it was effortless. That was different. He remembered Loki doing the same as they took the den down, that he was concentrating on that too. It wasn’t effortless. It was as if it was hard.

“I’ll set the DVD up. Meet you in bed?” Tony asked, opting to ignore his thoughts. He was probably overthinking it, he thought.

“I’ll be five minutes,” Loki replied. He pressed a gentle kiss to the mechanic’s cheek before he went out to the living room to grab some blankets.

Tony went to the bedroom and made a dash straight to the DVD drawer. He flicked through some titles before he found Tangled. That would definitely do, he thought. He put the DVD into the player before he sat on the bed, waiting for the god.

It was going to be a long day.

—————————————————

Tony couldn’t believe that something like Tangled could be so interesting to the god. Loki was completely enthralled. He seemed to love the movie, so Tony made a mental note to put some more on back at the tower. A small sniffle brought Tony back to reality, seeing that the god was almost brought to tears. The god found the tale oddly relatable. It really didn’t help the tears. Tony gently hugged his soulmate, chuckling softly as the god fought back tears.

“Are you okay?” Tony asked softly.

“I’m fine,” Loki replied softly. “A movie has no right to be that moving.”

Tony actually laughed. Something he didn’t think he’d do until he was drunk. He was completely sober. He didn’t think he’d ever laughed on the anniversary before. It was new. He felt like the feelings of grief could easily pass. It didn’t feel as if it would last forever as it usually did. Normally it was evident for months, he didn’t think it ever went away, it just got worse as the date got closer. But he wasn’t alone, and that felt amazing.

“That’s Disney for you.” Tony smiled softly.

The god stayed like that for a few moments, relishing in his soulmate’s hold. Tony found the trickster unbearably adorable, but he didn’t say anything. He let the credits of the movie run as he held his soulmate, finding peace in the fact that he wasn’t alone, and he never would be again. The god finally shifted, his tears successfully having been held back. He got up and went to the en suite, wanting to wash his face so he didn’t look so... well, as if he was about to cry.

Tony couldn’t help but laugh as he got up. He turned the TV off before he grabbed whatever Disney DVDs he had, putting them into a suitcase. He started to pack their things, knowing that Loki could do it with magic, but he wanted to prove to himself that he could function. He went through the wardrobe, packing some of his clothes that he wanted to take back, and grabbed Loki’s, making a mental note to get the god some clothes for the mansion. He moved onto the drawers, grabbing what they’d need from each one, going through each drawer one by one. He got to the top right, opening it without much thought. He grabbed the shirts that were in there and put them in a bag, recognising them as Loki’s. He was about to close the drawer when something caught his eye. A small plastic pouch. He picked it up, seeing the powder in it.

His heart stopped. There was no way there’d be drugs in the mansion. No one ever went in there. The only people who had been there in the past six months were the people he paid to set the den up, himself and Loki. And they were hidden under the god’s clothes. Tony didn’t want to believe it. He thought through the past weeks that Loki had been back for, thinking about how his behaviour had changed. After the party, he seemed much more alert, much chirpier. That’s why he was warm, he thought, and why he was acting ‘odd’ on the balcony, why he was cold and shaky. Tony practically kicked himself for not noticing sooner. He felt awful. Worse than he already did. He completely missed that the god was suffering. He heard footsteps come close but they stopped suddenly.

“How long?” Tony asked, finally looking at the god. Loki looked unreadable. The mechanic couldn’t tell what the trickster was feeling.

“How long have I been doing drugs? Since I was seventeen,” Loki replied, dodging the intention of the question. The glare he got in return made him tell the mechanic the answer he wanted. “The day of the party. I never intended on using it, though... I made a mistake.”

Tony was seething. As if his day couldn’t get any worse, his soulmate was a junky. Great, he thought, just his luck. He couldn’t even think about it. Everything was telling him to fight, to take out his anger.

“You made a mistake?! A mistake is adding salt instead of sugar. Doing drugs is more than a fucking mistake!” Tony yelled, his mind not even processing the flinching god.

“I’m sorry-” Loki started to say, but was interrupted.

“No! This isn’t something you can just apologise your way out of! This... This is serious, Loki!"

Tony couldn't stop himself from shaking. He'd broken away from the nothing he felt, now feeling anger and disappointment and even guilt. He didn't notice. How bad was that? He really was the worst, he thought. He didn't notice his partner struggling so much that he needed to turn to drugs. He was angry, but angry at himself too. It was a bad day, and it only seemed to be getting worse.

"I know that this is serious! Do you not think me aware of my actions?" Loki asked, trying his best to stay calm.

Loki didn't want it to turn into a hostile situation. He didn't want them to argue over it. The god wanted to stop anyway. He wanted to give drugs up, but... it was the one consistent thing in his life. No matter what happened, no matter who came into his life or who left, he could always get high. After all, once Tony was gone... what else would he have? He didn't have a family. En... was En. He couldn't constantly rely on someone. That was unfair. He couldn't expect En to pick up all his pieces for him. He felt awful for all that the Elder had done for him already, he didn't want to add to that.

"Honestly? No. I don't think you understand the weight of this! Do you realise how bad this could get? How bad it already is?" Tony asked in reply. He now understood how Pepper felt about his drinking.

"Anthony, it's not bad!" Loki replied, growing even more agitated.

"You've had withdrawal symptoms, Loki! That night on the balcony! How is this not bad?"

Loki hadn’t thought that he was obvious. Well, he couldn’t have been at the time. Tony didn’t mention it. He must’ve pieced it together, the god thought. He loved having someone intelligent around, but at the same time, it was draining.

"I'm not delicate, Anthony! You needn't try to protect me from anything that may cause harm!" Loki said. Everyone treated him like a china doll once they found out about his issues. He didn’t want that to happen with another person.

"If I don't you're just going to get yourself killed!" Tony replied.

Tony had hoped for an easy day. He wanted to relax before going back to the tower. Was that too much to ask? Why did everything go wrong? Why was it any time he was even vaguely happy, something would happen and throw it all? 

"I know what I'm doing!" Loki snapped. He’d been doing it for centuries. He knew enough about what he was doing to be able to do it.

"Clearly, you don't! Otherwise, you wouldn't be doing this!" Tony waved the bag for dramatic effect, making the god roll his eyes in reply.

"I'm not a child you need to look after!" Loki hated it when someone thought that he had to be protected. To be looked after. He could look after himself. He had done all his life. 

"Then why do you act like it?" Tony asked.

Tony wanted to talk about it calmly, but it was a case of the wrong time. Generally the wrong place, too. It would’ve been better if they weren’t somewhere that reminded him of the numerous arguments he had with his ex about his drinking. 

"You're hardly innocent, Anthony!" Loki replied.

There we go. Tony felt his anger consume him. His feelings of guilt disappeared, leaving him with only the copious amount of rage that never seemed to end. It scared him. He’d never felt like that before. 

"Don't try to distract me!" Tony yelled, completely ignoring the god taking a small step away from him.

"What of your drinking?" Loki asked, trying to calm himself.

"I'm here sober, aren't I? I haven't gotten drunk or touched anything but wine for this whole weekend!" Tony replied.

Tony had a point, the god thought. He hadn’t seen the mechanic drink anything heavier than wine and he hadn’t gotten drunk. Loki was beyond proud, but he knew that it would all be over as soon as they got back to the tower. 

"Though as soon as we return to the tower, you're going to drink! It will kill you!" Loki snapped. He didn’t want his soulmate dead. Well, dead sooner than he should be.

"And drugs will probably kill you! So why bring it up?" Tony asked.

"Because I'm worried about you!" Loki replied, his voice softer. He wanted the mechanic to believe him, because it was true.

"And this is when you choose to bring it up? To distract from the real problem?" Tony questioned. 

Tony didn’t want to talk about his drinking. Quite frankly, he was too sober for his liking. It had been manageable over the weekend, but after finding the drugs... He needed a drink. Desperately.

"I would count yours as a much more urgent problem, Anthony! I've got at least a century until this starts having a lasting effect on my body! Your alcohol consumption is already doing harm!" Loki answered.

"Just stop, Loki! I'm not getting into this. Not today." Tony shook his head, wanting to leave.

The mechanic out the pouch into the bag he had been packing before he moved to walked out of the room. He needed to calm down. He shoved passed the god, not stopping to see his reaction. He couldn’t find it in him to care. He was just about to walk out of the door when he heard a small voice.

"For what it's worth, I truly am sorry,” Loki said quietly.

"Too little too late. The car's arriving in ten. I'll see you there." 

———————————————————

The car ride was tense. They sat as far away from each other as possible. Loki could smell the vague hint of whiskey from the mechanic, only making him feel worse. He’d ruined everything, he thought. The god couldn’t help but want to laugh at the situation. Three relationships, all ruined because of his problems. Why did he think that he could do relationships? No. He had to go back to other ways of getting love. Maybe he could go to Alfheim? No, thay would be a mistake. They hated him there. Niflheim could probably work. That could be a plan, he thought. 

Tony didn’t say anything. He stared out the window, watching the world go by. He’d put sunglasses on, passing it off as it just because it was sunny, but mainly to hide that he’d been crying. He doubted it worked, but he tried. He sat as far away from the god as he could, not trusting himself or his temper. The alcohol had helped him calm down ever so slightly, but he didn’t trust himself. Part of him wanted to apologise, but why should he? He didn’t know. He was conflicted. Why should be apologise? Did he do anything wrong? He hesitated. The night of the party. They argued that night.

“Was it the argument?” Tony asked. Loki jumped in surprise when the mechanic spoke, but Tony didn’t say anything about it. “You said you started using the day of the party. Was it whatever I... thought?”

“No,” Loki replied without hesitation. “I went out for a walk before it. It was a coincidence that the day I received them was the day we argued.”

Tony nodded, still looking out of the window. He had a million questions. He felt like Pepper. He felt awful. He’d already sent her a bouquet of flowers with a note vaguely apologising. He must be so hard to deal with, he thought.

“You never told me what happened that night,” Tony said after a few minutes of silence.

“I didn’t.” Loki agreed.

Tony finally looked at the god, hoping he’d clarify, but there was nothing. That was endlessly irritating, the mechanic thought. He could see Loki’s hands shaking, making him hesitate. Was it a good idea to push the subject? Well, yes. But there were better times to do so.

“When was the last time you had some?” The mechanic asked.

“Before the movie,” Loki replied quietly.

“That was four hours ago,” Tony said.

“I’m aware.”

Loki didn’t want to talk about it. He could feel the growing nausea and the cold envelope him. He wanted it to be done. He didn’t want to be reminded of who he was. What he was, even. He just wanted to forget. Maybe Thanos was onto something... 

If he couldn’t die, he could forget.

Maybe that would be enough.


	25. 25. Feared What We Became

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As an apology for being so bad at updating rn (and as a celebration that I’ve actually finished writing this) here’s another chapter! Just out of curiosity, would anyone like another fic after this? Maybe alongside it? It’s a supernatural au, with frostmaster, ironstrange and stucky! Lmk in the comments if you’re interested!
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!!

The plane ride was tense. Neither of them spoke to each other from their opposite sides of the tube. Loki wanted to say something. He wanted to apologise endlessly to the human, to beg for forgiveness, even. He wanted to talk about it, which surprised him. The silence was torture and he wasn’t sure for how long he could cope with it. He wanted to make everything better, but how could he do that? Was there a way to do that? All Loki ever wanted was to be good enough. To be worthy. The older he got, the more he realised that he would never be either of those things. He wanted to be upset, he wanted to feel anger towards the fact, but all he could do was laugh bitterly. Of course he wouldn’t be either of those things. He was Loki. What could he be other than a disappointment? A let down? A mistake? A monster? He’d only ever be his titles, and no matter what he did, nothing would ever change that.

Tony was slowly calming down. Slowly, but calming down nevertheless. Why couldn’t everything be okay? Why couldn’t it all just go to plan? The god said that they only had a limited time together, but then he went to spend that time high. Tony almost laughed at how fucked up the situation was. All he wanted was a peaceful weekend away, more so for Loki. That went well. Why did all of his pals backfire? He wanted to do something nice, but it blew up in his face. Why couldn’t anything go to plan?

The car ride to the tower was the same as the one to the airport. Tony didn’t look at the god, Loki stayed quiet. Tony noticed the god’s hands shaking, despite how much the trickster tried to hide it. Tony did have to wonder, how different was a high to a god than a human? Withdrawal symptoms set in later, he realised. They made Loki more upbeat, not as much as it would a human. Maybe that was something to look into. That wasn’t a priority, though. He had to finish the reactor, Tony thought.

As soon as they reached the tower, Tony went straight to the lab. He needed time to calm down. If he stayed with Loki, he knew he’d lash out. He didn’t want to do that again. They could talk once the situation calmed. He didn’t want to risk either of them hurting each other. They’d done enough of that.

Tony was glad to see the reactor already on the workbench. That was a good distraction, he thought. What better way to get drunk than to do it while working? After going through Bruce’s notes with Jarvis, Tony got to work. The threat of Thanos was only ever growing. Sure, the titan was down two of his team, but what if he had an army? Could the world really handle fighting that? Especially if there were only, what, fifteen of them? He couldn’t guarantee a number of people fighting alongside the team, which only frustrated the mechanic. He waned to be confident, to know that they could fight to protect Earth, hell, the universe, but could they? He wanted to save lives, but it was hard to guarantee that when they didn’t know what they were going up against. Loki never said anything about an army. He never said anything about any of Thanos’ allies. Tony was beginning to see just how little the god ever told him. He knew about the black order. He knew a bit about why they attacked earth. That’s it. The only thing he knew about Thanos’ motive was that he wanted to get rid of half the living beings in the universe.

He knew nothing about Loki, he realised. He only knew the bits about what caused his trauma. Then again, how much did Loki know about him? Whatever Clint had told him and the little Tony had told him. They knew nothing about each other. He took a sip of his drink at the realisation, just wanting it all to be over. Why couldn’t he just have a normal relationship? Why did it have to be full of secrets and strangers? He wanted to have a loving relationship. Sure, him and Loki were loving towards one another, but they were essentially strangers. Two individuals so damaged that they couldn’t even let their soulmates get to know them. The mechanic laughed bitterly at the realisation. They were beyond damaged individuals, but they still loved each other.

“Tony?” The mechanic heard from the door.

Tony didn’t even notice anyone walk in. Out of everyone, Steve was the last person he wanted to see. It was nothing personal, but especially given the day, Steve was the last person he wanted around. He didn’t want to be reminded of how much of a disappointment he was. His thoughts were giving him more than enough of that.

“Cap!” Tony greeted, forcing a smile. “How are you?”

“When did you get back?” Steve asked.

Straight to the point, Tony thought. Could be worse, he supposed. It could just be straight to a lecture. That would’ve tipped the mechanic over the edge. He checked the time, surprised at how much time had passed while he worked. 

“A little over an hour ago,” Tony replied as he turned back to the reactor.

“How was it?” Steve questioned. 

“Great. Lovely time. It was relaxing. I managed to go the whole weekend without working. Miracles happen!” Tony grinned. 

Steve almost rolled his eyes. The mechanic’s attitude always managed to rile him up. He wasn’t sure if Tony did it on purpose, but it annoyed him nevertheless. He wanted to keep an eye on the engineer, scared he might do something. The entire team was worried about Tony, especially Bucky, so Steve wanted to try to keep an eye on the business man. It was the least he could do, considering.

“So why are you down here?” Steve asked.

“I need to get back of the world. It won’t end for me to have a romantic weekend getaway, Steve.” Tony smiled as he carried on tinkering with his work.

“Where’s Loki?” Steve questioned.

Toy realised he had no idea. He had no idea where the god was or what he was doing. In hindsight, that was bad. He should’ve asked Jarvis to keep an eye on Loki. He’d have to ask the AI to babysit the god for when Tony wasn’t around. That was going to be the next plan once Steve was gone.

“Jarvis?” Tony asked.

“Mister Odinson is in his room, sir.” Jarvis replied.

Tony knew that Loki’s last name wasn’t Odinson, that the god despised that name, but he never told Tony his real name, the mechanic realised. All the engineer knew what was Loki killed his real father. That was something else he needed to ask.

“What’s going on, Tony?” Steve asked softly.

“Why do you want to know, Rogers?” Tony questioned in reply.

“Have you eaten today?”

Tony almost laughed at the question. Of course Steve had only come to babysit. He used that. He hated the team treating him like a kid. Like he was unstable. He was, but that wasn’t the point. He was a grown man, he didn’t need anyone to look after him. 

“Yeah. I’m not totally incompetent, y’know.” Tony rolled his eyes.

“When did you eat?” Steve asked.

“Like... midday?” Tony replied hesitantly.

“Tony, that was eight hours ago.”

Again wit the babysitting, Tony thought. He wanted to live his life without having someone constantly in his ear about unhealthy his life was. Sure, it was unhealthy, he knew that, he didn’t need anyone to tell him. He just wanted to be alone.

“I’ve had a busy day.” Tony attempted to defend himself.

“What happened?” Steve asked.

“Nothing. Me and Loki had a disagreement, that’s all.” Tony shrugged.

“About what?” Steve questioned.

Tony put his spanner down and turned to look at Steve. He didn’t want to be nagged about his and Loki’s relationship. He just wanted to work and mourn in peace. Was that too much to ask?

“Why do you want to know?” Tony asked in reply.

“Because I care, Tony!” Steve snapped. “I thought that a weekend away would be great, especially considering today, but now you and Loki have argued?”

Tony felt the rage he’d managed to calm start to bubble again. He didn’t want to explain himself to the super-soldier. Especially to the super-soldier. Steve was the last person he wanted to open up to, especially considering their past. He just wanted to be alone. 

“You don’t need to remind me what date it is, Steve. I have a calendar.” Was all that Tony could reply.

“I know, and I’m sorry. I’m just worried. We all are,” Steve replied softly.

“You don’t need to me. I’m an adult, I can take care of myself.” Tony didn’t believe his words for a second. He knew that Steve didn’t either. 

“Then why are you in the lab, sulking like a kid?”

That was the final straw. The solider had no right to prance into his workshop, try to get him to open up then insult him, Tony thought. The mechanic was beyond seething. He sent the captain an icy glare.

“Get out.”

“Tony... I just want to help.” Steve frowned in reply.

Steve wanted to try to fix things. Ever since the incident, him and Tony had barely talked. He wanted to make things right. He missed his friend. He missed being able to just talk to Tony without arguing. He missed being a team. 

“I don’t need any help,” Tony replied defensively. 

“It’s okay to admit that you do.” Steve pushed. 

“But I don’t.” Tony insisted. 

“It’s a tough day.” Steve pointed out. 

“Yeah, no shit. Now fuck off,” Tony replied before he turned back to his work.

Why didn’t the soldier get the message? Tony didn’t want help. He didn’t want to be babysat by the people he was meant to be equal to. Then again, he wasn’t, was he? No, he wasn’t good enough to be an Avenger. After all, he was the merchant of death, no matter how hard he tried to make up for it. 

“Look, we’ve had our disagreements in the past, and I’m sorry. I know that I’m probably the last person you want to see today, but I want to help. I don’t want to be hostile towards each other anymore,” Steve explained.

“You want to go back to the way that we were?” Tony asked in surprise.

They hadn’t spoken about the situation before. Well, not since it happened. Neither were innocent, Tony knew that, but it still hurt. He was betrayed by the person he thought he could trust. After that, he distanced himself from the team more than he already had. He didn’t want to get his hopes up that things could change. 

“The closest that we can get to it,” Steve replied. “We can’t forget about what we did to each other, but we can move on.”

“We did a lot to each other.” Tony recalled. 

Tony couldn’t remember much of it. The whole thing was fairly fuzzy. He knew that Jarvis had records of it, but he didn’t want to watch it. Not yet. Tony remembered that they’d argued, which ultimately led to Steve disappearing. Tony just wanted to forget it all.

“Yeah, but we can work on it,” Steve replied.

“Yeah. Maybe.” Was all that Tony could say.

“Maybe’s enough for me.” Steve couldn’t help but smile.

“Good, because that’s all you’re getting,” Tony said, turning his focus to the metal in front of him. 

“And that’s more than I was expecting,” Steve replied.

Tony nodded and went back to tinkering. Why did Steve have to remind him of that? The day was bad enough, he didn’t need to think about their fights. They kept trying to be civil, but they always argued. No matter what they did, they always argued. 

“Steve?” Tony asked after a few moments of silence. 

“Yeah?” Steve questioned in reply. 

“For this to happen, stop comparing me to Howard,” Tony replied. “He wasn’t a god. Stop worshipping him.”

Tony wished he could tell everyone that. At times it felt like the whole world was comparing him to Howard, that the whole world worshipped the late mechanic. It was awful. Tony just wanted to be his own person. Tony Stark. Not the son of Howard Stark. 

“Yeah. I’m sorry that I ever did that, Tony. It was wrong.” Steve frowned. “How are you feeling?”

“No different to every year,” Tony answered.

“Want to talk about it?” Steve asked softly.

“No,” Tony replied. 

“Okay. How about Loki?” Steve questioned. 

“No,” Tony replied again. 

“Okay.”

Tony carried on working on his invention. He didn’t want to think about what was going on. He just wanted to forget about everything. What had he done for everything to be so bad? How could he handle it? How did he sort the situations that only seemed to get worse, no matter how hard he tried? How could he fix things?

“Steve?” Tony asked after a few minutes of silence. 

“Yes, Tony?” Steve asked in reply. 

“Hypothetical question...” Tony proposed, knowing that Steve would catch on but it sounded better if he started with that. “If you knew Bucky was doing drugs, what would you do?”

Steve caught on. He realised that that was what Loki and Tony had argued about. He had to say, he was surprised by the fact that the god was doing drugs. It seemed so un-Loki like. 

“Depends what drug,” Steve replied. “Weed? His choice.”

“Heroin.”

Tony wasn’t stupid. He didn’t have to ask the god what he was taking. He knew heroin when he saw it. He was brought up in the party scene, after all. 

“Oh... I don’t know,” Steve answered. “In theory... I’d like to help, but... I don’t know. I guess what I’d want to do isn’t what I’d really do. Emotions factor in, I guess.”

Emotions... Tony regretted reacting to Loki the way that he did. He felt awful. Then again, how else would he have reacted? He wanted to say that he would react calmly, be nothing but supportive and loving, but he was the exact opposite. Then he ended up hiding from the problem. He felt awful. 

“Yeah. That’s understandable.” Tony sighed.

“How long’s he been using?” Steve asked.

“Since the party,” Tony replied. 

“Oh, shit.” Steve’s eyes widened.

“Language.”

Steve looked at the mechanic confusedly, the mechanic just smirking in reply. The soldier was confused, considering Tony had a worse potty mouth than he did, which was impressive considering Steve was an ex-soldier. 

“How did you find out?” Steve asked after the silent exchange. 

“Found some,” Tony replied with a frown. 

“When?” Steve questioned. 

Tony was confused by the amount of questions, but it felt good to talk about it. It felt nice to be able to confide in someone, to be able to trust someone enough. It felt nice to have someone listen. 

“Earlier,” Tony answered, realising he didn’t know the exact time. 

“And you argued?” Steve asked.

“Yep,” Tony replied. 

“What did he say?” Steve questioned. 

“Tried saying that it wasn’t as bad as my drinking.” Tony frowned. 

“Your drinking is concerning.” Steve agreed.

“Not the point, Rogers.”

Steve sent the mechanic a pointed look before looking at the bottle of whiskey besides the reactor. Tony sighed and put the lid on the bottle. He put the bottle to the side before sending the soldier an innocent smile.

“Is he still...?” Steve asked, changing the subject. 

“I don’t know.” Tony frowned. “Jarvis?”

“Mister Odinson is currently displaying symptoms of withdrawal, sir,” the AI replied. 

Tony felt awful. Loki was suffering and he was sulking in his lab. How could he ever fix that? The god needed him and Tony wasn’t there. He was blatantly hiding from the god. How awful was that?

“At least he’s not using,” Steve said, noticing how down Tony seemed. 

“Not the point, Steve,” Tony replied as he turned back to the reactor. 

“Look...” Steve started as he searched for the right words to say. “Not talking to each other isn’t going to go well for either of you. You’re hardly okay, and I doubt he is either. You’re both going to get worse if you ignore each other.”

Tony thought over what Steve said, realising he agreed with everything the soldier said. He felt stupidly guilty. The rage had calmed and he was left with a never ending pit of guilt, one that felt like it would never dim. 

“I... I guess.” Tony frowned. 

“Trust me, Tony, you don’t want to lose your soulmate,” Steve said. 

He remembered what it was like when Bucky fell from the train. He felt his heart shatter, his whole body physically hurt. He couldn’t begin to even comprehend the pain he felt. Knowing he had to live the rest of his life without Bucky by his side... it physically hurt him. He didn’t want anyone to go through that pain. 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Tony replied, knowing enough about Steve and Bucky’s history. “Thank you, Steve.”

“No problem.” Steve smiled softly. “Make sure you eat, okay?”

“I will, don’t worry,” Tony replied with a small smile. 

“Goodnight, Tony,” Steve said softly.

“G’night, Cap.”

Steve walked out of the lab after he sent the mechanic a sweet smile. Tony smiled to himself, feeling refreshed. That was the first time that they’d talked without arguing for... years. The mechanic felt impressed. He took a look at the whiskey bottle he set aside before he put it in the cupboard. He wouldn’t solve anything by drinking. Besides, he had to set an example.

Tony walked to the elevator, his worry only growing. What if Loki didn’t want to see him? What if the god hated him because he just abandoned him? Tony felt awful. He was an awful partner. An awful soulmate, even. The mechanic couldn’t help but hesitate once he reached Loki’s door. What if he wasn’t wanted? No. He had to do it. He had to help. He knocked on the door, then waited for a response he desperately hoped he’d receive. 

Loki jumped when he heard a knock on the door. Who would want to talk to him? Did he even want to talk to anyone? Besides, could he move to answer the door? His whole body was aching, he didn’t want to even think about moving. Then again, he couldn’t seem weak. No matter how he felt, no matter how much everything hurt, he had to be okay. He had no other choice. 

“Come in,” Loki called out to whoever was outside. 

He instantly regretted that. He should’ve checked to see who it was, he thought. It could’ve been Thor. He loved his brother dearly, but their last conversation ended with Thor threatening him and a fairly bad argument. He didn’t want that again. He was somewhat pleased to see Tony walk through the door, but a part of him was petrified. What if he came to argue again? 

“You look like shit.” Was the first thing Tony said. 

Tony couldn’t believe how rough the god looked. All illusions were down, revealing just how awful he looked. He looked thinner than what was healthy, he looked exhausted and ill. Tony felt awful. He’d left the god alone when he was suffering. He felt worse than he had in a while. 

“You truly do know how to make one feel good about their appearance,” Loki replied with an amused smile. 

“I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry.” Tony frowned. “I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“It’s alright. I’ve had far worse.” Loki smiled sadly.

Tony frowned as he walked to the bedside, taking a seat beside the god. He wanted to take his hand, but felt as if he couldn’t. He didn’t think he deserved it, or if Loki would let him. After all, he’d abandoned the god. 

“How are you feeling?” Tony asked. 

“Not bad,” Loki replied. “It could be worse.”

Tony remembered Loki saying that he’d been taking drugs since he was seventeen, so he wasn’t sure why the god saying that it could be worse surprised him. Tony wanted nothing more than to take the pain away from him, to protect him. It killed him that he couldn’t. 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Tony questioned, earning a shake of the head from the god. “I’m sorry... I shouldn’t have yelled at you earlier.”

“Anthony, I should be the one to apologise. I shouldn’t have started this.” Loki frowned. “I have caused far too much harm and I truly am sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

Tony looked at the god before he gently took his hand, wanting to provide some sort of comfort. He felt awful, and knowing that Loki felt guilty made him feel worse. 

“No. We’ve both messed up and we both need to fix it,” Tony said. “So, in my attempt to fix things, I’m sowing down on the alcohol. Won’t drink so much, won’t drink to avoid my feelings. If I want to avoid my feelings, I’ll do it in a healthy way, however that is.”

“And in return you wish for me to get clean of drugs,” Loki replied, earning a nod from the mechanic. “I’ll try. I wish I could promise I will, though I pride myself on being a person of my word. I promise I’ll try.”

Would he though? He said that every time, but he always found himself going back to the things that gave him a sense of purpose. A sense of life. Not a good life, admittedly, but was his usual life any better? He knew the route he was going down. He didn’t want to say that he was addicted again. Sure, he knew he was, but he had pride. He didn’t want to damage that. Why should he play along when it would never end? No matter what happened, he’d always go back down that hole. He was hopeless. He was a lost cause, he thought. He knew that Tony was smart, that he would notice if the withdrawal symptoms suddenly stopped, but would he notice afterwards? Once the symptoms had cleared, he could go back. Well, not straight away. Tony would be watching. But a week. That was his plan, he thought.

“That’s all I ask.” Tony smiled. “Anyway, I think some distractions would be good. Agree?”

“What are you suggesting?” Loki asked, looking at the mechanic curiously. 

“A distraction. This can’t be fun, so maybe something to focus on will help. So we get to know each other. I want to know you, not your trauma. So that’s what we do. Sound good?”

Loki looked at the mechanic with blatant curiosity. No one ever wanted to know him. Not the real him, anyway. They only ever wanted to know the prince or the brother of Thor. Not Loki. Never Loki. Did he really want to open up to someone? Was that an option? He wanted to, but could he? Especially after what Tony did. Could he trust the mechanic? Could he try? 

“That sounds good,” Loki replied with a small smile.

Tony grinned at the possibility of getting to know his soulmate. He wanted to have a normal, healthy relationship. Not whatever they had going. He loved it, but he preferred something healthy. Something happy. 

“Great!” Tony beamed. “But first, food. Are you okay to go to the kitchen?”

Loki couldn’t help but smile as he slowly over to stand up, sending a look of gratefulness to the mechanic as he helped. Everything hurt, but he wanted to spend time with his soulmate. 

For a brief moment, everything got better. 

It was as if everything would be okay.


	26. 26. Things are Looking Up

Tony could see his lover deteriorate with each passing minute. He felt awful, why, he didn’t know, but he felt guilty. Maybe it was because he ignored all of the warning signs. Maybe it was because instead of talking about it, he just yelled. Loki had said that it was okay, but Tony disagreed. He thought he should’ve been nicer. Then again, Steve was right. Emotions came into it. Tony wanted nothing more than to come up with some miracle cure to end the god’s suffering, but he knew that that was unlikely to happen, no matter how smart he was. So he was just going to support his soulmate endlessly, no matter what.

“Favourite colour?” Tony asked the god.

They were both sat at the island in the kitchen, eating the ramen they’d made. Loki was string better at cooking, the mechanic noticed. He found it stupidly adorable. Loki was picking at his food, but Tony assumed that that was down to nausea. Hopefully, anyway. He didn’t want to blatantly ask, but he was worried.

“Gold,” Loki replied with a smile. “And yours?”

“Green,” Tony answered with no hesitation.

They both smiled at each other, both wondering when they became so romantic. Loki loved gold, yes, but he loved it even more because he associated it with Tony. Sure, there was red, but red was too close to Thor. Tony loved green, but he especially loved it because it reminded him of Loki. Neither thought that they’d ever become that infatuated with anyone, but there they were.

“What is your favourite food?” Loki asked.

They were playing what Tony had called ‘twenty one questions’. Loki understood the purpose, but thinking of relevant questions was confusing. What counted as a personal question? Was there anything that was too personal? He game confused the god.

“Ooooh... Probably pizza. Pepperoni, maybe. All pizza is good pizza,” Tony replied. “Yours?”

“Possibly tomato pasta.” Loki shrugged, making Tony smile. Loki was much more romantic than the god wanted to admit.

“How did you get your powers?” Tony asked, taking Loki by surprise.

“Frigga gave me some of her seidr as a base and that allowed me to expand it, making it into my own,” Loki explained. “She taught me a lot of what I know. She’s incredibly gifted, perhaps the strongest magic wielder’s on Asgard. I truly learnt from the best.”

Tony took some time to think over what Loki said. He didn’t understand magic at all. When he asked Stephen, he just had a sharp ‘it’s science that you don’t understand’ in reply. Stephen wasn’t much help. Loki seemed like he had enough of an understanding Enough to be able to work science with magic, anyway. 

Tony couldn’t help but think about what they could do if they mixed science with magic, or if Tony could comprehend the mechanics of magic enough for it to become science. If Ultron would have been better with magic involved. What their new workings would be like with magic. Stephen said he could put defences around them to keep them safe and Loki said he could hide them, make them invisible to everything. That was perfect for what they wanted. But what if it didn’t work?

“What’s seidr?” Tony asked curiously. “And how does it work? How do you grow it?”

“Seidr is a form of magic, one drawn from Yggdrasil,” Loki replied. “It’s grown by learning more about it, learning spells. Anyone can wield it, so long as they can harness the power of Yggdrasil. Though harnessing too much of its energy can cause madness. It’s a powerful energy, it’s important to know one’s limits when wielding it.”

Loki wasn’t used to talking to someone who had a genuine interest in his magic. Sure, En did, but he knew a lot about how seidr worked. Normally he was teased for harnessing seidr, but Tony seemed genuinely interested in it. It was refreshing. It was nice, actually. The god found it weird to talk so openly about it and not have any teasing in reply. 

“Yggdrasil is the world tree, right?” Tony questioned, earning a nod in response from Loki. “And you harness the power from that? Is that where Thor’s magic comes from?”

“Technically. Any power an Aesir has is more than likely a form of seidr. Especially since he’s a direct relative of both Odin and Frigga, it’s far more likely that it is a form of seidr.” Loki hadn’t thought about that before, but part of him was amused that Thor had endlessly teased him about his seidr when Thor was harnessing some of his own. 

Tony hesitated when Loki mentioned that Thor was Frigga and Odin’s blood. That was why Frigga gave Loki some of her own, the mechanic thought. Or was it?

“Tell me if you want to stop with these questions, we can move on from this topic, I just want to learn a bit more about it,” Tony said. “Would you have had any source of seidr if Frigga hadn’t given you some?”

“Possibly, though it wouldn’t have come so easy as I would have had to have learnt it all myself and it wouldn’t have been so strong.” Loki shrugged. “I suppose I was born with some trace of seidr, the magic is drawn from Yggdrasil, though it’s a much more specific form.”

“And what is that?” Tony asked curiously. 

Loki hesitated slightly. He’d never show anyone that form of magic. He was still learning about it, how to use it and its limits. It was fascinating, he had to admit, but he didn’t like it. He didn’t want to like it. He’d been fascinated by it ever since he used the casket of Ancient Winters, but didn’t have the opportunity to learn about it afterwards until he was confined to his room. 

He realised that learning about his ice magic came with a lot of repressed self hatred. It wasn’t easy, he hated it, and that stopped him from getting too deep into it like he wanted to. His mind was stopping him and he knew that he just had to let go, but that seemed impossible. He knew that there was more he couldn’t do, but he was making progress. 

The god put his cutlery down before he held his hand out in a palm, a small mound of ice forming. He saw his palm develop a blue tint before he stopped, not wanting Tony to see that form just yet. Or ever. He made it disappear, knowing that it could freeze anything he tried putting it on. It wasn’t safe.

“I’m still learning about that,” Loki said. “When Odin put the spell on me to conceal my heritage, it concealed everything to do with Jotnar biology and capabilities. When that broke, I was able to form ice, I was able to withstand cold weather, I was much colder, even in Aesir form.”

“Why didn’t you put the ice down on something?” Tony asked. 

“Jotun ice is different to yours. It’s stronger. It can harm even the Aesir with one touch. It’s harder to break than your ice. It will freeze anything it comes in contact with, it was best to be rid of it rather than break anything,” Loki explained softly. 

“So... what are Jotuns?” Tony asked. “I did my research, but I don’t know how reliable mythology can be.”

“It varies, I’ve found.” Loki shrugged. “Jotuns are frost giants. They’re fierce warriors, they’re in afraid to play dirty. I only know what I found on Asgard, so that’s biased. Once I realised that I stopped searching for information there, none of the information I could find was reliable. I wish I could give you information on them, though I don’t know anything of use.”

Tony looked at Loki with a small frown. It must’ve been awful to not know anything about what you are, the mechanic thought. Especially when all the information that could be found was biased and probably harmful. Tony wanted to help, but what could he do? He only knew Thor, and he doubted that he knew anything different than Loki. 

“Why don’t you go to Jotunheim and find out?” Tony suggested. 

“I would, though I don’t know how friendly they would be to the person that killed their king,” Loki said after a seconds thought. What difference would it make if Tony pieced together that his father was the king? “It’s risky. I’ve thought of it, though for now I have no reason to see. Perhaps later.”

Tony thought for a few seconds, trying to absorb the information. Thor had mentioned that Loki had killed their king in order to protect Odin, so he had no reason to question it. He wanted to ask Loki why he killed his father, but he thought that that was a bit too personal. They could talk about that another time. 

“At least in the summer I’ll have my own personal ice pack.” Tony smiled when the god laughed at his words, seeming genuinely amused. “So Stephen’s magic is different to yours?”

“Yes, he’s a sorcerer, I’m a mage,” Loki replied. “He gets his magic from Midgard specifically, whereas mine comes from Yggdrasil. That’s what differentiates our capabilities.”

“That’s pretty interesting. So different forms of magic?” Tony asked. 

“It depends where you draw your powers from. Sorcerer’s from Midgard, Mages from Yggdrasil, Elders get theirs from the galaxy in its entirety, it’s rather interesting,” Loki explained. “Though you’ve asked a lot of questions. I’m certain it’s my turn now.”

Loki wanted to be as honest with Tony as possible. He knew what the mechanic had said was true, they didn’t know each other that well, and he wanted to change that too. He wanted to know his soulmate and he knew that that was a two way street. He wanted to build up trust again. 

“Yeah, definitely. Sorry, I got carried away.” Tony chuckled. “Shoot.”

“What got you into creating inventions?” Loki asked curiously 

Loki had had a brief description of each Avenger from Clint, but only relevant information. He remembered what he was told about Tony. ‘Genius, playboy philanthropist who doesn’t play well with others. Selfish, will do whatever he wants whenever he wants. A threat if he works with the team.’ Loki couldn’t believe just how untrue that was. It made him realise that him and Tony had a lot more in common than he originally thought. They both played the roles that were forced upon them.

“Coping mechanism when I was young, just so happened that I was good at it,” Tony replied. “My dad always ignored me, so I thought that by making stuff like he did, he’d be proud. That just turned into a distraction.”

Loki smiled sympathetically as Tony spoke. He knew what being ignored by a parent felt like, and it was probably one of the worst things ever, the god thought. It brought no end of trauma. It definitely left a scar, being ignored by the people that should love you unconditionally. It felt awful. No one should have to go through that, the trickster thought.

“You truly are magnificent at it. Better than your father, even,” Loki replied. 

“You knew Howard?” Tony asked in surprise.

No one had ever compared him to Howard in a positive light. He was always told that he wasn’t good enough, that he didn’t live up to the late Stark. Hearing Loki say that he was better, or the possible hint of Loki knowing his father, that surprised him. 

“Not all that well.” Loki shrugged. “I met him not long after the war ended. He was peculiar, to say the least.”

“Good way or bad?” Tony questioned. 

“I’m unsure,” Loki replied. “He seemed nice, he was very nice to me, though I do have to question his intentions. Though what I thought of him then means nothing to me now. All I have to see is the harm he caused you to know what I think of him now.”

Tony nodded and looked away. He knew that that was Loki’s way of saying ‘he seemed nice enough but he was a knob to you so I don’t like him.’ It amused him how polite Loki was about it. He would happily accept Loki calling Howard a knob, in all honesty it would be amusing, the mechanic thought. Loki calling anyone a knob would make his day.

“Yeah. I keep seeing people talk about how great he was, but... I know he did a lot of good, I know he did a lot to help with the war, but... I saw him when he wasn’t playing the role for the cameras. He hated me. When we weren’t in public he just pretended that I didn’t exist. My mother wasn’t much better. They keep getting praised, and I’m expected to talk highly of them, but how can I when I saw the opposite of what everyone else saw?”

Loki gently reached over to hold the shaking mechanic’s hand. He certainly wasn’t steady either, but he wanted to provide the mechanic with some comfort. He didn’t know quite what to say. He wanted to help, but how could he? What could he say that would make everything better? There was nothing to do that. 

“You know the truth. If everyone else wishes to ignore that, then pay them no mind. You deserve far better.” Loki gently squeezed Tony’s hand in an attempt to comfort, earning a small smile from the mechanic. 

“Yeah, I guess. It’s just hard, y’know? Especially with Steve. He knew Howard from the war, and he doesn’t get why I don’t like Howard. He always compared me to Steve, always prioritised finding him rather than taking care of his own son. He kept calling Steve his greatest achievement. Peggy moved on faster than he did, and she had been in love with Steve at one point. I just.. sorry. This is a lot.” Tony frowned and gently pulled his hand away from the god. 

“My love, you needn’t apologise for having emotions. I’m always here for you to talk to. I’d rather you talk to me than let it all build up. Believe me, if there was... if there was a way I could take all of the pain away, I would. You deserve true happiness. You deserve the world, Anthony.”

Tony looked at the god, seeing the sincerity in the god’s pained eyes. He’d never had anyone he felt like he could trust fully, and he loved the irony of that one person being the god of lies. He couldn’t help but laugh at how badly that could end, but he knew in his heart that it wouldn’t end badly. He knew that he could trust Loki, no matter what. 

“I... Thank you. I really appreciate it. The same goes to you.” Tony smiled softly. “I’ve just realised that we’re stupidly alike in an odd way. Endless self hatred, daddy issues, playing roles and trauma! Who would’ve thought?” 

The pair couldn’t help but laugh, knowing that those words were true. They were much more alike than they could’ve guessed, in a very odd way. Neither of them would’ve guessed that when they first met. How things have changed since then, the mechanic thought. He never would’ve thought that he would have ever accepted Loki as his soulmate, but there he was. There they were. It was surreal, Tony thought. 

“Do people know that we’re together?” Loki asked. “Other than people we know, I mean.”

Tony thought for a moment before replying. “I don’t think so. There haven’t been any reports on it. I don’t even think anyone knows that you’re on earth, actually.”

Loki nodded, surprised by the fact that no one knew. It was amusing, really. He hadn’t hidden the fact that he was there, he hadn’t tried to hide. He just assumed that everyone had forgotten about him. 

“At least your reputation hasn’t been damaged, then,” Loki replied. 

“Are you really worried about that?” Tony asked. “Loki, I don’t give a shit what anyone says. I love you. I know who you really are, and I’m in love with you. They don’t know you. They don’t know the truth, so they can’t judge. I don’t care what anyone says when they find out about us, because I will never stop loving you. Anyway, they don’t have to know if you want to keep it a secret. I don’t mind.”

“Though what would they say? After what I did, you could be called a traitor.” Loki frowned, watching the mechanic curiously. 

“If you’re worried about that, we could release a statement on what really happened before anything comes out. It’s entirely up to you.” Tony shrugged. “Anyway, I think they’d be more concerned about not having an heir for Stark Industries than anything else.”

Loki chose not to say anything about that. He didn’t know much about Jotnar, but he knew about their biology. Well, he didn’t even think that he could have children with Tony. The mechanic was human, chances are it wouldn’t work. There weren’t any known cases of it, anyway, and if humans were harmed so badly by a touch of a Jotun, pregnancy wouldn’t work. 

“They expect you to have a child?” Loki asked. 

“Yeah, they want to know who SI would go to when I die. I’ve thought it through, but... I don’t know. I’d leave it to Pepper. She knows how to run a company, and I trust her to do that. I just don’t know who’ll keep the inventing up, y’know? Pepper’s smart, but not when it comes to making stuff. And sure, if I have a kid I could teach them what I know, but... I don’t want kids. Do you?”

“I’m uncertain,” Loki replied. “I’m unsure what it takes to be a good parent. I wouldn’t want to make the same mistakes Odin did. I wouldn’t want to be Odin.”

Tony nodded in agreement. “The closest I had to parents were Jarvis and Peggy. I guess I could learn from them, but... I don’t know how to be a parent. I don’t know what parents are meant to be like. I don’t want to screw a kid up.”

Loki nodded at Tony’s words. He completely agreed with everything the mechanic said. He didn’t know what parents were meant to do. He had Frigga, he could learn from her, but he still couldn’t bring himself to actively want children. He didn’t think that it was something he’d ever get over. 

“Peggy and Jarvis?” Loki questioned. “Jarvis as in the AI?”

“Oh, sorta,” Tony replied. “I named Jarvis after him. Jarvis was Howard’s butler for years, since the war, I think. He was... amazing. He cared for me like his own and I can’t thank him enough for that. Peggy was Howard’s friend from the war. They worked together on Steve’a case and stayed friends afterwards. She was like a mother to me. Same as Jarvis, she treated me like her own. She was amazing. Her and Jarvis were great. They were like parents to me and I can never thank them enough for that.”

Tony still wasn’t over their deaths. He hadn’t had any closure with Jarvis, he died with his parents. He thought it was bad that his death hit harder than his parents in an odd way, but he was closer to the butler. He wished he could’ve seen Peggy again before she died, but him and Steve had argued and he was scared that she’d hate him. They used to talk on the phone weekly, he’d get lectures on how he wasn’t taking care of himself all the time. It was hard to watch her as she got older, but Tony was always there to help her out. Paid her medical bills, her rent, everything he could to keep her comfortable. He never told her that it was him, but she was smart enough to figure it out. Then him and Steve argued, and not even a week later he had a phone call saying that she’d passed. He didn’t even get to say goodbye. He couldn’t even go to the funeral because Steve was going. It was hard, but he was a Stark. Starks were made of iron. 

“I’m certain they know that you’re grateful.” Loki smiled softly. “They sound like good people.”

“They were.” Tony nodded. “I don’t know where I’d be without them. Well, dead, but that’s not the point.” 

“If it’s any help, I’m glad that you’re alive,” Loki said softly.

“I think that’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me” Tony teased, making the god laugh. “No, same goes to you. I’m glad you’re here. Even if it was a painful journey. Can I ask you a question?”

“You can ask, though I can’t guarantee an answer,” Loki replied with a mischievous smirk. 

“What happened between you and Thor?” Tony asked, taking the god by surprise. “He says that you two were really close. I guess what happened shook things between you, but even now you two haven’t spoken since last year.”

Loki thought over everything. Was it fair to say? Then again, he assumed that Thor had explained his side of the story numerous times. No one ever believed Loki’s side, Thor being the golden child and Loki being the liesmith. Would Tony be any different?

“We were close in the beginning,” Loki answered. “Though then he became friends with the Warriors Three and Sif. They didn’t like me and constantly betrayed me, and Thor being impressionable, he joined in. Between that and my jealousy, we drifted apart. We barely spoke, at times t felt like he forgot I existed. Well, that went for everyone, though it was different when it was Thor. He was my brother. We had previously been close, he was my only friend, and losing him hurt. He, like everyone else, treated me like a burden. Then his coronation came. We spoke civilly for the first time in centuries. It truly felt like I had my brother back. Then the frost giants came, I may have accidentally convinced Thor to go to Jotunheim, he got exiled, I became king, we fought on the Bifrost, I.. I ended up floating through Yggdrasil, New York happened, we had a brief discussion on Asgard, then a decade passed. We haven’t spoken since he threatened me after what happened between Bruce and I.”

Tony’s eyes widened as he registered the information he was given. He wasn’t expecting Loki to open up as much as he did, but he was glad. He wanted to be able to be someone Loki could talk to. 

“What happened with the coronation? The whole Bifrost thing?” Tony asked. 

“My plan didn’t go as I planned,” Loki replied, staring at a cup on the table. Tony didn’t miss his hesitation, but waited for him to carry on. “Thor wasn’t ready to become king, so I had arranged with some Jotuns to sneak in and steal the Casket of Ancient Winters. I knew that they’d be killed within seconds of entering the vault, and they were. The coronation was disrupted and it didn’t go ahead. Thor was angry and I used that to my advantage, to show everyone that he was too impulsive to be king. That he had a lot of growing to do. Then he went to Jotunheim, myself, the Warriors Three and Sif joined. Laufey, their king at the time, mentioned that someone in Asgard had let the Jotuns in, then we fought. We would have died if Odin didn’t come. We returned to Asgard, Thor was banished, and I stayed on Asgard. On Jotunheim, a Jotun touched my arm. It should’ve burnt me. It burnt through my armour, though when it reached my skin, it turned blue. So on Asgard, I went to the Casket. It was then that Odin’s spell broke.”

“You have a different form?” Tony asked curiously. 

“Yes, this is my Aesir form, I have my female form, and my Jotun form,” Loki replied. “Seeing my Jotun form in that moment... everything made sense. Odin’s disdain for me made sense. Odin found me and he told me the truth. That at the end of the war, he found me on a temple, he assumed that I was left to die. He took me back to Asgard with him. I was merely a trophy, an artefact to flaunt Asgard’s victory and a form of keeping peace with Jotunheim. He fell into Odinsleep, so with Thor gone I became king. The Warriors Three and Sif were suspicious of me, especially after Laufey had confirmed that there was a traitor amongst them. They didn’t think that I was capable. They wanted Thor back.”

“They didn’t give you a chance?” Tony asked. “They didn’t even ask you about it?”

“No. My titles give them no reason to trust me,” Loki replied. “They went to Midgard to retrieve Thor. Heimdall let them. I thought I could vaguely trust him, though I understand now that I wasn’t stable. I don’t know what I would’ve done if Thor hadn’t returned. I went to Jotunheim and spoke to Laufey, I told him I could get him into Asgard unnoticed and he could kill Odin. Thor was about to return to Asgard at this point and I didn’t want him involved, so I sent the Destroyer after him.”

“The big armour thing?” Tony asked, Loki nodding in reply. “Yeah, Shield showed me the footage of that. Was weird seeing Thor so.. powerless.”

“I don’t know why I went that far. I never wanted to harm Thor. I was scared. I wanted to show Odin and Frigga that I was good enough, and Thor returning would’ve compromised that. I regret everything I did.” Loki frowned. “On Asgard, Laufey snuck in, he was about to kill Odin, though I killed him. Then Thor returned. He was going to stop me. He knew of my plan, so I threw him out of the place. I knew it wouldn’t kill him. I used the Bifrost to destroy Jotunheim. Leaving it open on a realm would destroy it. I wanted to do what I thought Odin wanted.”

“But it wasn’t what he wanted.” Tony frowned.

“It wasn’t.” Loki agreed. “I don’t remember what happened after that. It’s all hazy. I... I remember Thor destroying the Bifrost so I couldn’t escape him, Frigga watching and trying to help Thor. Odin telling me that I’m a monster, that I don’t deserve to live. Thor throwing me off the Bifrost. Though it’s hazy, it all seems... forced.” He paused for a few seconds, as if debating whether or not to say something. “Thanos had the mind stone when I was with him. I fear he may have used that to manipulate my memories. He made me forget how I wound up with him, I only remembered when I woke up with the healers. En confirmed it, that the possibility of Thanos using the stone on me was great, only confirmed by the fact that I couldn’t remember that until recently. There’s so much I can’t remember from my time with the Titan, so much that I don’t know if it’s true or not.”

Tony hesitated. That wasn’t good. He knew that Loki wasn’t stable at the best of times, but added with the mind stone being used to manipulate his mind... it wasn’t great. At all.

“I don’t know what happened. All I know is what Thor told me,” Tony said. “He said that you two fought. That the Bifrost broke during it, to save Jotunheim. Frigga wasn’t there, I don’t think. You ended up falling off the side and you chose to fall. You let go. That’s what Thor told me.”

“That sounds realistic.” Loki smiled bitterly. “So it seems Thanos has been through my memories. That makes sense.”

“How would you know if he has?” Tony asked softly. 

“The memory of the Bifrost is hazy. It feels detached from my mind. I suppose I need to do some searching to find if anything else feels the same.” Loki shrugged. “Is that why you seemed panicked on the Bifrost? Because I’d fallen from it before?” Loki looked at Tony for the first time since he started explaining. He seemed almost distant. 

Tony had almost forgotten about that. When they were leaving for Earth, he remembered seeing Loki at the edge. He’d completely forgotten about that somehow. It was odd.

“Yeah. Knowing that you’d... you’d done that before, I... I freaked out, I guess.” Tony shrugged. 

“You needn’t worry about that for the time being, Anthony. I meant it when I said that I want to make the most of my time with you,” Loki said with a small smile.

Tony oddly wasn’t reassured by those words. He got the message behind it and it scared him. He gently took Loki’s shaking hands in his own, looking the god in the eyes.

“I don’t want you doing that after I die either, Loki. I want you to live your life, to be happy. Don’t throw your life away just because I’m gone,” Tony replied softly. “Promise?”

“I’ll try. I promise I’ll try.”

Tony remembered Loki’s promise about using. He couldn’t promise he wouldn’t relapse, but he’d try not to. It was the same for killing himself. He was worried about Loki, more so than ever, but he didn’t know how to talk about it. 

“Okay. That’s good enough.” Tony lied. “Now it’s getting late. You need some rest.”

“As do you, my love,” Loki replied softly.

“I’ll try, Kitten.” Tony smiled softy. “Do you need any painkillers?” The mechanic asked as he got up to get some, ignoring the god either way.

“It seems you’ve decided for me,” Loki replied fondly. 

“Can’t be too careful!” Tony grinned. “Plus, I think it’s about time we watch Phineas and Ferb. It’s a TV show, you’ll love it.”

Tony wanted something easy for Loki to watch as a distraction. He knew that the god would think about what Tony had told him, but he knew that that could end badly. He didn’t want Loki working his mind so hard that he ended up remembering too much or hurting himself. Tony hadn’t seen any signs of the god doing that, but he couldn’t be too careful.

“You truly are too good for me,” Loki said with a smile.

“Same could be said the other way around, darling,” Tony replied with a lopsided grin. “Now let’s go!”

Eve after what they’d spoken about, the two couldn’t help but feel the same way.

They were both happy. 

Maybe things were looking up after all.


	27. 27. We All Want to Be At Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost on time!! Happy December everyone!! Think I’m going to post ‘mini-chapters’ for this, I’m currently writing one that takes place in the beginning of this chapter! I’ll let you all know when I post it!! Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos, and I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Days had passed with much more improvement. The first day was hard, Tony thought. Loki wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t sleep. When the god wasn’t throwing up he was curled up in pain. Tony felt awful, but he knew that it was what needed to happen. He felt responsible for it. He felt as if it was all his fault. If he was good enough, then Loki would be happy. He wouldn’t be relying on drugs.

Tony couldn’t stop thinking about everything Loki said the previous day. He didn’t know how stable the god was; he didn’t necessarily trust the god on his own, either. Especially when he was going through withdrawal. It was hard. Tony didn’t expect it to be so hard. He thought that he could support Loki with little to no effort. He was very wrong. It physically hurt to see his soulmate in so much pain. Especially when he wasn’t sure how much pain the god was in emotionally. It was hard. Stupidly hard, the mechanic thought. He thought that maybe he was being selfish, that he shouldn’t find it hard, but he couldn’t help it.

The second day wasn’t as bad. The god didn’t seem to be in so much pain, but he was still sick. Tony sat by his side the entire time, providing endless smoothies and cuddles, holding his hair back when he was throwing up. He was there the entire step of the way, just like the previous day. Tony had looked into withdrawal, seeing it could last weeks, so seeing the god look a little better was surprising. He was hoping for Loki’s sake that it wouldn’t be long. Then again, he wasn’t sure how drugs affected gods.

Tony had gone through most of the box sets he could find. Phineas and Ferb had gone down a treat, as did Gravity Falls. Tony had tried the god on Kim Possible, and he seems to enjoy it so far. Tony hadn’t expected Loki to like Disney. It was oddly adorable, the mechanic thought. Plus, he was enjoying it himself. He was using it as an excuse to watch shows and movies he hadn’t watched in a while, and he was loving it. He felt a bit guilty using the god for that, but it was worth it.

The third day passed, and Loki could get out of bed. He was still shaky, still throwing up every now and then, but rarely. Tony was relieved to see the god looking better. At least he wouldn’t be so cold to cuddle. Tony hadn’t explained why both him and Loki were hiding, but he assumed that Steve was taking care of it. He felt bad for leaving Bruce to the meetings with Stephen, but they were both smart enough to figure out the scientific aspects to what they needed to do. Loki had told him to go to the meetings, but he didn’t want to leave the god alone. Both out of lack of trust and guilt.

Loki had managed to convince Tony that he was well enough to go to the kitchen. Tony was apprehensive, but he knew that the god needed to eat. Tony was going to carry the god, but Loki had protested. ‘What if someone sees?’ It reminded Tony that they needed another weekend away. Maybe a week after Asgard. He knew that that would be hard, so he hoped that a week away would help.

“What do you fancy?” Tony asked as he racked through the cupboards. “How about... jacket potato? That’s a good light food.”

Loki nodded, not fussy. He felt bad about not helping, but he was still shaky. He didn’t trust himself to stand for too long. He caught sight of his reflection in a window and he flinched away. He looked awful. His hair was damp from sweat and his face dewy, his figure thinner than what was healthy and his complexion deathly. He looked awful, but he didn’t feel any better. He caught sight of the robotics travelling up his arm and he frowned, wondering if Thanos could figure out what was going on. Were they connected? Was there a tracking chip? He didn’t know, and there wasn’t a clear way for him to find out. It was driving him mad.

Loki needed to be better to go to Asgard. Even if he didn’t want to go, he wanted to see En. He hadn’t spoken to the Elder since he went to Earth. He wasn’t sure how En knew that he was back from being with Thanos, or even that he was with the Titan in the first place, but that was En. He did mysterious things and never gave anything away. It was irritating, but Loki loved it.

“Do you still wish to go to the ball this weekend?” Loki asked softly, taking Tony by surprise.

The ball had been nagging at the back of his head, but he chose to ignore it. Loki getting better was his main priority. Sure, he knew that it was probably important to go, but why would they if the god was still ill? No, Loki’s health was more important than a party.

“If you’re better, then yeah,” Tony replied. “If you’re still bad then we’re not going. You can party another time. Your health comes first.”

“Though this is important. Odin would have my head on a stick if I don’t go.” Loki argued. “It isn’t an option for me not to go. Odin is yet to strip me of my title so I’m required to go.”

“And it has nothing to do with seeing your best friend?” Tony asked.

Tony tried to hide the fact that he didn’t like En. He wasn’t completely sure why he didn’t like the elder, but he didn’t. Jealousy, he thought, but he didn’t like that so he chose to ignore it. He just wanted to make everything okay, but for some reason that was impossibly hard.

“I wish to see him, though it would be preferable to do so on Sakaar,” Loki replied. “I’m required to attend public events, considering I’m free. I was wondering if you still wanted to go.”

“I do. I’d love to go. But if you’re still ill, you’re taking it easy. Maybe Odin would let you off if he knew you weren’t well.” Tony shrugged.

Loki gave him a look, one that Tony instantly understood. Odin wouldn’t care. If anything, that would make things worse. The Allfather would probably go out of his way to make things harder for Loki. It wasn’t a good idea.

“Besides, I don’t want Frigga to know,” Loki said. “Everyone on Asgard knows, though Odin, Frigga and Thor are blind to it all.” Tony went the god a questioning look, but it was clear that there was slight disbelief in there too. “At parties, I’d normally gather different kinds of drugs, whatever I could find, and sell them. It was a way to get people to like me, I suppose. At the ball, I was hiding outside because it was where I’d be if I was normally selling. I still managed to get a good amount of produce sold. At this point it’s become a game of ‘how long until someone finds out?’ It’s rather fun.”

“You’re unbelievable.” Tony chuckled. “But you’re not doing that this time. You’re staying away from drugs. Does En know?”

“Yes, he’s aware of my vices,” Loki replied. “He’s a telepath. I can’t hide anything from him. Annoying, though it works to my advantage at times.”

Tony nodded and put the potatoes in the oven. He could use En to his advantage, he thought. He could get a bit of help. He could use the information En had on Loki to his advantage. At least then he’d know how to help the god a bit more. Tony felt bad for wanting to use En to his advantage, but if Loki wouldn’t tell him how to help, he had to take things into his own hands. He hated himself for wondering if he could get to know more about the god by using En. To know the things Loki wouldn’t tell him. After all, he still didn’t know... he did. Loki had indirectly told him about his biological parents. He remembered the trickster saying that he didn’t know his biological mother but had killed his father. He mentioned that he killed his father, and also the king. Tony had thought that they were desperate people, but then he remembered about the information Loki gave him about the Black Order. Laufeyson. From what Tony knew, it was a god thing to have last names based on their fathers, like Odinson. He remembered Loki saying that the king was called Laufey. He knew that the god knew what he was doing. He was probably seeing how long it would take before Tony figured it out. 

That little fucker, Tony thought. 

“You know if we ever got married,” Tony started to say. “Would that mean I would become royalty?”

Loki looked at the mechanic for a few seconds before he smiled softly. He hadn’t really thought about it. He didn’t even know what would happen with his position on Asgard, whether or not he’d be stripped of his title at some point. He didn’t care, but he hated the uncertainty. 

“For Asgard or Jotunheim?” Loki asked, knowing that Tony had worked it out. 

“Both,” Tony replied. “How long did you think it would take me to figure it out?”

“Considering all that’s going on, I was expecting a week. Three days is rather impressive.” Loki smirked. “On Asgard you would become a prince, on Jotunheim, depending on whether I claim the throne, you could become king.”

Tony froze, his mind trying to comprehend the information. He could be king of a realm. How wild was that? King Tony Stark. That was petrifying. Even prince was too much for him. Would he be able to deal with that responsibility?

“Would you take the throne?” Tony asked curiously. 

“I’m undecided. Jotunheim currently has no ruler. Well, not a true one. If I were to claim the throne, it would provide Jotunheim with stability and room to restore it to its former glory,” Loki explained. “Though by doing so, I would put the realm in danger. I have no doubts that Odin would strip me of my Asgardian titles, perhaps even go so far as to disown me and banish me from Asgard. I could possibly start another war with Asgard by claiming the throne. I could wait for Thor to become king, though even then it would be dangerous. Thor and I were raised to believe the Jotnar to be monsters, and though I can adapt to the truth, Odin is able to manipulate Thor. Thor doesn’t trust me, and I fear by taking the throne of Jotunheim, the trust may disappear completely and we could cause more chaos and harm than intended. He may think it’s an elaborate scheme of mine and we could start a war. Odin’s ensured that I would never get a throne, though I’ve never wanted one. I simply want what’s best for my realm.”

“You don’t trust Thor?” Tony questioned. 

“I do, though I don’t trust Odin. I don’t trust the information Odin has given him and Odin’s power over Thor. Thor loves his father dearly, he trusts everything that the All Father says, which is understandable. He’s loyal, and Odin takes advantage of that. That’s what I don’t trust,” Loki answered. 

Tony didn’t know what to suggest. He was surprised that Loki had given it so much thought, but then again, was he? He knew that the god thought everything through, it would make sense for him to have thought about Jotunheim. He felt bad, but he couldn’t help but feel angry too. Why did Odin set Loki up to fail, no matter what? Thor had always spoken so highly of the All Father, and Tony had no reason to question him. Not until he heard Loki’s side. He wanted nothing more than to punch the king in the face. 

“Have you talked to Thor about it?” Tony asked, earning a shake of the head as a reply. “Maybe it’s worth talking things through. If you can’t do it when Odin’s in power, plan something with Thor. He wouldn’t do anything bad when he knows your intentions. Not purposely, anyway.”

“I can’t,” Loki replied after a few seconds hesitation. “Thor hates the Jotnar. Odin ensured that he did. He brought us up to hate them, to want to slay them. Thor promised that he would slay all of the Jotnar one day. I expected Odin to tell Thor of my heritage after what happened, though he never did. Of course, now he knows, and we’ve not spoken since.”

Tony bit his lip and looked down at the table, feeling the guilt overwhelm. That was his fault. He told Thor that Loki wasn’t Aesir. He didn’t know he was putting Loki in danger by doing so. He was such an idiot, Tony thought. 

“I’m sorry.” Tony frowned. 

“You needn’t be sorry,” Loki replied. “He was going to find out at one point or another. If anything, I’m glad that I wasn’t there and that I wasn’t there for the aftermath. Ideally, he would never know, though that would be impossible. You’ve nothing to be sorry for. You did me a favour.”

Tony looked at the god, seeing the sincerity in his eyes. A bit of pain too, but he knew that that was physical more than mental. He grabbed some painkillers from the cupboard before passing the god a glass of water and two tablets, earning a small thank you in reply. 

“Have you really not spoken to Thor since?” Tony asked curiously. 

“No. We may have said one or two things at the party, though that was kept to a minimum. We’ve not spoken since the day I came to Midgard,” Loki answered, taking Tony by surprise. 

“Don’t you miss him?” Tony questioned. 

“We’ve gone longer without speaking in the past.” Loki shrugged. 

“He doesn’t hate you,” Tony said. “I don’t think he could ever hate you.”

Loki shook his head before he took the tablets, taking a sip of water afterwards. He didn’t want to think about Thor. Not at that moment, at least. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was genuinely scared. The god was scared about what could happen. He’d planned out as many possibilities of the future that could happen and he hated how bad things could turn out. He just wanted to be happy with Tony, but he knew that that was unlikely to happen. 

“Would you ever consider marriage?” Loki asked after a few minutes of silence.

“I mean... yeah, I would,” Tony replied once he got over the initial shock. Why would Loki ask? What if... no. He wouldn’t. Coincidence, that’s all. A weird coincidence. “When the time is right, absolutely.”

Loki smiled behind his glass, but Tony didn’t miss it. He found it absolutely adorable. He hadn’t thought about marrying anyone before, not even Pepper, but Loki... once everything was running smoothly, he would without a doubt. He was in love with the god, and he wouldn’t hesitate to marry him. 

Tony put the plates of food down on the island and sat opposite the god. He couldn’t stop smiling the entire time, his cheeks aching from it. He didn’t know why he was so happy. He thought that maybe it was because it was the first time he could relax after the few days they’d had. Maybe it was because Loki could actually leave the bed. Maybe it was because he was in love. 

The two made small talk as they ate, talking about nothing in particular but finding it enthralling none the less. Tony could listen to his soulmate talk for hours on end without complaining. It scared him, but he loved it. Being in love scared him more than anything, the fear of being vulnerable was more intense, but he triune himself looking passed all of that. He knew the risks, but what was the point? He wanted to be happy. The fear was worth it, he thought. 

Loki used his magic to clean up, still having to focus, but not as much as usual, Tony noticed. He could see a clear improvement and it made him happy. Relieved, even. Things were getting better. Tony went to give Loki a hand to go back to the bedroom, but was surprised when Loki shook his head. 

“I’m going to get a drink. I’ll meet you up there,” Loki said with a smile. 

Tony was surprised, but he smiled nevertheless. It was good to see Loki back up and running. He was surprised that it had only been three days. He was expecting it to take weeks, but he supposed it was the whole being a god thing. It was weird, but completely fascinating. A part of him was worried about leaving Loki alone, but Jarvis would alert him if anything happened. Plus, he wanted to trust the god. 

“I’ll set a movie up, then,” Tony replied, smiling as he did. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Loki gently kissed the mechanic’s cheek before he walked to the fridge, Tony going his own way to the bedroom. 

Loki was pouring the juice into the glasses, pouring one for his soulmate too, when he heard footsteps behind him. Someone was entering the room, he realised. Heavy footsteps, so he knew it wasn’t Natasha or Clint. They walked silently, he’d learnt. It wasn’t Bruce either, Bruce was light on his feet, though not silent. It was either Steve or Thor. Loki could feel the energy of magic coming from the person, so he knew that it was Thor. He was hoping that the god would just stay silent, that he could leave the room without a word, but he knew he wouldn’t be so lucky. 

“Brother,” Thor greeted. “It’s good to see you.”

“I thought it was never good to see me,” Loki replied, recalling their last conversation. 

Thor winced at the memory, the guilt instantly growing, consuming him. “I was stupid to say that. I was angry and I didn’t think, and I really am sorry.”

“You always are sorry, Thor.” Loki sighed as he put the carton back in the fridge.

Thor knew that it would be hard to talk to Loki. He had wanted to do it earlier, but he hadn’t seen the younger. Steve had said that Loki wasn’t feeling well, but that was all the information he could get. Steve wouldn’t let him see Loki, which had irritated him, especially since the god looked fine. 

“How are you feeling?” Thor asked. “The Captain had said that you were unwell.”

“Better,” Loki replied. “It was a mere case of heatstroke. Nothing too bad.”

“Is the heat truly that bad?” Thor asked curiously, making Loki tense. Thor believed him, which was good, but they were getting too close to something Loki didn’t want to talk about.

“I’m adjusting. It’s more uncomfortable than anything.” Loki shrugged. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Thor questioned, his heart still heavy that his own sibling didn’t trust him enough to tell him the truth. To tell him what he was.

Loki’s mind was racing. What could he possibly answer with? He couldn’t tell the truth. Thor would probably kill him, which wasn’t ideal. He could lie, but what would be believable?

“I assumed Odin and Frigga would,” Loki replied. “I wasn’t aware that you didn’t know.”

That worked well enough, Loki thought. Not that far off of the truth either, so even if Thor could tell that he was lying, he wasn’t necessarily. He was just leaving certain information out. 

“Loki... that doesn’t change anything. We’re still family.” Thor frowned. 

“Thor, we’ve not spoken in over a year, and that was an argument. Before that we hadn’t spoken in a decade. I tried to kill you multiple times before that. That’s not family,” Loki replied. 

“And I’m sorry. I really am. I... I want to make things right. Is it too late?” Thor asked.

Loki looked at his brother, trying to figure out what to do. He could see that Thor was sincere, he could see that he was genuinely guilty, but was it worth it? It always happened. They would apologise, they would try things again, and it would blow up in their faces. It never worked.

“We can try,” Loki replied. “All we can do is try.”

“And that’s enough. It truly is.” Thor grinned. “I won’t keep you waiting any longer. I’ll see you later?”

“See you later, Thor,” Loki replied before he walked out, gripping the glasses tight in order to minimise the shaking of his hands.

Loki rushed up to the bedroom, not realising just how overwhelming that exchange had been. He found himself questioning Thor’s intentions. What if Odin was using Thor to get information out of Loki? What if Thor was using him for entertainment? But then Thor seemed sincere. He wasn’t lying, Loki could tell. 

Thor just wanted his sibling back. 

Tony looked at the god worriedly as he walked in. Tony had asked Jarvis if Loki was okay when he realised it had been a while, and was even more concerned when he had the reply that Thor and Loki were talking. He wanted to listen in to make sure that things were okay, but it wasn’t his place. He just asked Jarvis to keep him updated if things got hostile. 

“Are you okay?” Tony asked.

“I’m okay,” Loki replied as he handed Tony a glass of juice, earning a thanks in reply. “You know of what happened?”

“I was worried when a few minutes passed, I asked Jarvis where you were and he said that you were talking to Thor. I didn’t listen in, I didn’t watch or anything.” Tony clarified. “How did it go?”

“Better than expected. He said that he wanted to fix things between us.” Loki shrugged. 

Tony smiled slightly, knowing that he was right when he told Loki that Thor could never hate him. Tony just wanted Loki to have a sense of family, and even though Odin wasn’t exactly the best, he still had Thor and Frigga. Tony knew that the two accepted Loki as a part of their family, even if Odin didn’t. Tony knew that after he was gone, Loki would need as many people as he could get. He wanted to hope that he’d have his family there to help, but the mechanic knew that things were complicated. 

“And what did you say?” Tony asked. 

“I agreed,” Loki replied, making Tony smile in relief. “What harm can it do?”

“None. I’m glad you’re doing this.” Tony smiled. “I’m not going to say I told you so, but... it’s implied.”

Loki laughed softly and shook his head, leaning into the mechanic’s side. Tony smiled and gently hugged the god, feeling genuine hope. Hope that things were going to be okay. Hope that things were going to get better. Hope that they would be okay. 

“You’re insufferable” Loki teased.

“But you love it.” Tony smiled. 

“I do,” Loki replied happily. 

Tony lead the god to the bed before he wrapped his arms around him, holding him close. The glasses had been placed to the side, out of the way. Tony just wanted to appreciate the quiet time, the time they didn’t have to work. He knew that it wouldn’t last long. The mechanic pressed play on the movie, the opening titles of Hocus Pocus beginning to play. He thought that it was a very Loki movie. As he watched for the god’s reactions to the movie, he realised that he was right. That yes, it was a very Loki film, and that things were looking up. 

That maybe he was right after all. 

He could only hope.


	28. 28. I’ll Make the Best of Being Flesh and Bone

After living for so long, living through so much pain and grief, it wasn’t hard to see why it was so tedious to live through. No matter what happened, knowing that the faint feeling of happiness wouldn’t last, it made everything worse. Knowing that it was just a phase, that once it was over it would only get worse... was it worth it? Was it worth seeing the person he loved suffer through age, only for it to end abruptly? Was it worth it?

Nothing ever seemed worth it. Knowing that the pain would never end, that the people he could never love because they would only die or leave. Death seemed to be his worst enemy, though he’d welcome it with open arms. Seeing the harm and chaos that only grew, he should love it, but he didn’t want to see it. He knew that it was inevitable. He knew that no matter what happened, he couldn’t stop it. None of them could. If he lived long enough l see it, it would only get worse. So why wait around? They couldn’t stop it. Failing would make it worse. What was the point?

He wanted to appreciate what he had. ‘Live in the moment’, he’d been told. He couldn’t stop thinking about the future, planning all of the possibilities, finding which one would be the least painful. He couldn’t stop thinking about the past. How could he, when his whole body was a reminder? His whole existence was a reminder. There was nothing that could take it away. There was nothing that could make it any easier.

He was causing more pain than necessary. He was only hurting the one person he wanted to protect. He wanted to save everyone. He wanted to help. He couldn’t. It would never work. He could never do any good, no matter how much he wanted to. He would only ever hurt people. He was better on his own for that reason. Why did he ever think that that could work? He was destined to be alone. That was his punishment. To be alone for the rest of his life. Having a soulmate was just cruel. It would never last. Never.

Why did nothing ever work? Why could he never be happy? He knew that things were going well. He was sober, the withdrawal symptoms were almost completely gone, and he wasn’t in as much pain as usual. It was nice. Peaceful, almost. So something was going to happen. Something always happened to disrupt the peace. He hated the taunting. The quiet before the storm. He just wanted it all to happen. He wanted Thanos to come out of hiding. He didn’t want to wait. Waiting was the worst part.

He would either die or suffer, and although death was a mercy, even though it was the cowardice choice, he would welcome it. He wanted it more than anything. It was painful, knowing that no matter what, he would be brought back. He didn’t want that. He wanted it all to be okay. Nothing was ever okay. Nothing ever would be okay. He had to live throughout the endless pain that would haunt him for the rest of his life, and for what? What could he possibly do that would be worth it?

Forgetting was the next best thing. He could feel the haze lighten around the memories that Thanos had manipulated, they were haunting him in his sleep and in his thoughts. He couldn’t escape it. He didn’t want to remember. Though remembering would grant him more power, he didn’t want any more pain. He didn’t want to remember his attempts on Thor’s life. He didn’t want to remember what caused him to fall from the Bifrost. He didn’t want to remember the endless torture Thanos inflicted on him. He didn’t want to remember. Knowing that the mind stone was in his reach and he could wipe the knowledge, he could forget everything... it was tempting. He could live a new life. He could maybe even be happy. It was impractical. He knew that if Thanos found him that it would be even worse. He had to remember. Well, until Thanos died. That would be too good to be true.

He didn’t deserve happiness. He didn’t deserve his soulmate. He didn’t deserve a family. He didn’t deserve to live when so many were dying, so many were suffering, and for what? For some people to hold higher power? For some people to feel the rush of control whilst others scrambled to their knees, unable to provide for their family, reliant on kindness that didn’t exist? He’d seen it all. The pain, the control, the suffering, the partying... it felt wrong. He hated it. He hated the way society worked. On every realm and planet he visited, it was the same. And he couldn’t do shit to change it.

The familiar burn in his throat finally gave him the motivation to move. He ran to the bathroom, making it just in time to empty the contents of his stomach into the bowl. He was beginning to hate the room, associating it with vomit and pain. He felt warm hands hold his hair out of his face, something he’d grown to get used to. It was mildly comforting, despite the situation. Knowing that he wasn’t alone was bittersweet. He was grateful to have someone, but he hated that. He hated having someone. To have to think about someone else, that someone else was affected by his actions. Even if they were realms apart, they were connected. Tony would always be affected by his actions, by his doings, no matter what. Quantum entanglement was a spooky thing.

A glass of water being passed over pulled the god out of his thoughts. He took it and slowly sipped it, too exhausted to say anything. It was weird, to feel drained of both energy and mentality. It was a feeling he’d grown used to, but it was weird nonetheless. He put the empty glass to the side, finding himself surprised at the sound. Why was that shocking? He couldn’t tell. It sounded weird. It sounded far away.

He felt a hand touch his cheek, but it took a few seconds to register. He didn’t know what was going on. He turned to look at the figure by his side but it took a few seconds for his eyes to catch up to the movement. Everything felt disjointed. It was as if he wasn’t there. Was he there? What if it was another hallucination? He hated the possibility of that being true. He thought that they’d stopped. He saw his soulmate in front of him, looking at him with clear worry in his eyes. Worry. He was causing a negative emotion. How could he stop doing that? Why did it seem impossible?

“Lokes?” Tony asked.

He sounded like he was miles away, Loki thought. It felt as if he was watching from afar. It was unnerving. He hated it when that happened. His mind felt detached from his body. It hasn’t happened in a while. It was disorientating. He tried to shake it off as he attempted to gain control over his own body.

“I’m fine,” Loki replied.

He slowly pushed himself up, then walked to the sink to cleanse the foul taste out of his mouth. He missed the look of concern on his lovers face as he denied himself the privilege to look at the other.

Tony knew that something was wrong, but he couldn’t tell what. He was petrified. He didn’t know what was going on, but he knew that Loki wasn’t okay. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to help but he felt powerless, as if nothing he could do would ever be enough.

The mechanic walked back into the bedroom, leaving the god in peace. He felt helpless. He rubbed his eyes, the light burning ever so slightly. He checked the time, seeing it was later than he expected. They were leaving early the next day for Asgard, so Tony had wanted to pack beforehand, but that sounded like a lot of work for when he’d just woken up.

He saw Loki sit on the bed and stare at the floor, making him sigh. He’d never seen the god like that before. Sure, he’d seen him panic, but never zone out. Tony tried to think about how to help before he remembered what Pepper used to do when he zoned out. He doubted that cold things would affect Loki, but he didn’t want to do anything hot. He looked at his drawer before he decided. It was mean, but it could work. He grabbed a sweet from the packet before he handed it to the god, giving him a soft smile as he did. Loki put it into his mouth and sucked on it for a few seconds before he spat it into a bin, his face twisted at the taste.

“What the fuck was that?!” The god cursed, gratefully taking the glass of water the mechanic passed him.

Tony laughed amusedly, watching the god. “Never heard you swear before. It’s cute.”

Loki glared at the mechanic, seeming more aware of his surroundings. Tony felt bad, but it worked. Giving the god a sour sweet seemed successful. He now had a pissed off god to deal with, but at least he wasn’t zoned out.

“What was that?” Loki asked, his mouth still burning from the sweet.

“Toxic waste. Gross, but it got you back,” Tony replied. “I’m sorry about that. I just... got scared seeing you like that. Are you okay? How long were you like that?”

“I’m fine,” Loki answered softly. “I’m unsure for how long, though it can’t have been long. I’m sorry for scaring you.”

Tony sat next to the god and gently wrapped his arms around him, his ease growing when the god leant into his touch. He knew that things were hard. He never expected it to be easy for the trickster, but it didn’t make it any easier for him to watch.

“Don’t apologise. Shit happens, I get it,” Tony replied. “Just... talk to me. Tell me how you’re feeling. If you don’t want to do words, let’s do numbers. Scale of one to ten, and I’ll do the same. At least then we get a base of where we’re at, yeah? I don’t want you to suffer in silence. I’m here for you. I always will be. You’re not alone anymore, Lokes. Just talk to me, okay? This is a two way street. Communication is key. I don’t expect you to open up to me straight away, but just give me something to work with. Let me help. I’m always here for you, and I don’t want you to forget that.”

Loki didn’t look at the mechanic, instead nuzzling into his shoulder. He thought over everything that was said, unable to shake the guilt. He felt weird. It was a feeling he couldn’t quite understand. Loved. He felt loved. He didn’t know how to feel about it. He wanted to be happy, but he knew what was coming. Was it worth it?

“That sounds good,” Loki eventually said. “I’m sorry. It’s... it’s hard to do this.”

“I know, but it’ll get easier. Talking about emotions gets easier with time. It’ll be good for both of us, I think.” Tony smiled softly. “I’m at about a five. I need a coffee before I can think.”

Tony didn’t know if it would work. It was a cheap shot, but it was a shot nevertheless. He needed to open a communication pathway, otherwise nothing would ever get better. He knew that it wouldn’t happen straight away, but it was something that had to be done. They could work it out eventually.

“Three,” Loki replied after a minute of thinking.

Tony smiled softly at the fact that Loki was going along with it. He wasn’t expecting it. He wasn’t expecting Loki to even think about going with it, but the fact he was made the mechanic relieved. Happy, even. Things were getting better.

“Well, lets see if coffee and waffles help,” Tony said with a smile.

Tony pressed a gentle kiss to the god’s hand before Loki sat up, a small smile on his face. Tony helped him up before he led him to the kitchen, hoping he remembered how to make waffles. How hard could it be? It was a grilled pancake. It couldn’t be hard.

The mechanic got the ingredients out as the god got the bowls and equipment. Tony didn’t like the fact that Loki was moving so much, but he opted to keep pan eye on him, just in case.

“What do you want to do today?” Tony asked softly.

“Some fresh air sounds rather nice,” Loki replied.

Tony thought over it, knowing how risky it could be. He didn’t know if it was the best time to risk being caught together, both for Tony’s reputation and Loki’s health, but he knew that the god needed fresh air. Maybe the woods would be quiet. Hopefully, anyway.

“Then that’s a plan!” Tony smiled. “Let’s be one with nature, baby!”

Loki laughed amusedly, even if he was fairly confused. Spending time with Tony without the pressure of being who he had to be always made him feel better, even if it was just a little. Tony helped him get better, and he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

Tony kept the small talk going, wanting to keep the atmosphere light. He wanted to help the god feel better, even if he didn’t know how. He thought that maybe distractions would work. He guessed that between withdrawal and the worry of facing Odin... Tony could see why Loki wouldn’t be great. It felt good to know that he was trusted enough to be able to see how the god was feeling. He knew that there was still some more work to do before Loki was completely open around him, but he could wait. He would be worth the wait.

The waffles were more or less waffles, Tony thought. They weren’t perfect, but considering they weren’t using a recipe, they were pretty good. Loki seemed to like them too, which was nice. He’d noticed that the god seemed to like human food. Tony didn’t mind the food on Asgard, it wasn’t that bad. Weird, but not bad. Then he remembered about Loki’s eating. It wouldn’t go well on Asgard. Not unless they’d solved the problem. Tony wasn’t hopeful, but he could try. He could trial it later, he thought. They could eat with the team and see what happened. Hopefully that would work.

Cleaning up ended up with making more of a mess. Not ideal, but it was fun. Throwing bubbles at each other, what flour had spilt over the counter ended up in their hair, soap was everywhere... they were making a mess, but it was worth it. Turns out they weren’t great at cleaning, but they could make a pretty good mess. That could count for something, Tony thought. At least they were alone and they didn’t have to worry about keeping up appearances.

It was scary, Tony thought. He felt safe around Loki. He felt like he could just let who everyone wanted him to be go and just be himself. It was weird, petrifying, but he loved it. He loved being able to let go. He didn’t feel pressured to be anyone else, he could trust Loki enough to just forget about it. He could be who he wanted to be, not who everyone else wanted to be. It was scary, being that vulnerable, but it was amazing. It felt amazing. It was weird to feel so safe around someone, but he wouldn’t change it for the world. He just twisted that one day Loki could feel the same.

Loki wanted to let all of his defences down, to be who he really was around Tony, but was it safe to do so? He wasn’t sure. Tony was directly affected by everything he did, whether or not it was big or small. He would put Tony in danger, more than he already was. He couldn’t risk doing so even more. It was exhausting, it was guilt wracking, but he had to set boundaries. He had to protect Tony. Then again... Tony was human. He knew that the mechanic would take anything private to the grave. That was the one advantage to Tony being human, he wouldn’t have to keep the secrets for long. But Tony being human put him at even more risk. If Thanos got to Tony... Loki didn’t want to imagine what would happen. He wanted it all to be over. He didn’t want to have to second guess every single decision. He wanted peace. He wanted to forget.

As they got ready to go out, Tony found himself wondering just how different their relationship would be if they were normal people. How different they would be if they were normal people. Would it be good? Or would it be bad? Maybe even the same? Would they be happy? Because Tony wasn’t dumb. He knew that neither of them were too happy. Happier than usual, yes, but truly, one hundred percent happy? No. Even if that was possible, it would take time. Time that they didn’t have together. 

Did Tony want an elongated life? He didn’t know. He’d tried to think of the pros and cons, even if it wasn’t possible. Pros: living with Loki, more time to protect the world, expand his knowledge. Cons: living longer, seeing the people he cared about die, seeing how shit the world really was. Was it worth it? He didn’t get how Thor had lived so long and remained so positive, intact, even. Loki hadn’t, Tony knew. He could see both consequences of living a long life, one being living without thinking of your actions, the other being plagued by actions that define you for the rest of your life. Could Tony deal with that? He could barely deal with the fifty years he already had. 

“Loki?” Tony asked, getting the gods attention by doing so. “What will you do when I die?”

The god stopped to think for a few seconds before replying. “I don’t know. Why?”

“I’m just thinking.” Tony shrugged. “It’s going to happen eventually. I just... I want to know if you’ll be okay.”

Tony didn’t want to know what the god would do. He didn’t want to think about that. He thought that maybe if they talked about it, set up a mini plan, then it would be okay. That the god would be okay. 

The god would not be okay. Loki knew that once Tony was gone, he’d have nothing. Tony showed him happiness, he had a chance at joy with the mechanic, without him... what would he have? Grief? Sorrow? A deeper sense of hatred? He didn’t want to think about it. 

“Why do you want to talk about this now? Is there something you’re trying to tell me?” Loki joked, making the mechanic smile slightly. 

“No, I’m good, as far as I know,” Tony replied. “I just... I almost die daily at this point. I want to think I’ve got a while, but I think we both know that I could die at any point. I want to know that when that happens that you’ll be okay. That you’ll stay alive. After all, I need someone to carry on my legacy, right?” 

“Anthony... would you be okay if I died?” Loki asked softly. 

“No, but... I’d try to stay alive because I know that that’s what you’d want.” Tony shrugged. 

“I’ll try.” Loki sighed. Wasn’t technically a lie, but wasn’t the truth either. 

Loki didn’t want to think about what would happen when Tony died. He didn’t wan to imagine it. Maybe he could get En to bring the mechanic back. He knew that En wasn’t meant to bring anyone back, having made a deal with death and all that, but he always brought Loki back, so what was the difference? He remembered En telling him that he’d made a deal with death so there wasn’t a massive group of people that died at the same time, or souls being ripped from the underworld when they were in the middle of transition or doing a job for death. There was less of a risk of that happening if the person was brought back immediately, but it was still dangerous. Death could rip a soul apart, bringing them back could cause no end of trouble. En respected that until it came to the people he cared about. It caused Loki no end of trouble. 

“How does the soulmate thing work? Like did you have one before me? And will you have another one after?” Tony questioned.

“Not that I know of,” Loki replied. “You’re the only one I’ve had. Or noticed, at least. I had my first mark twenty eight years ago.”

Tony looked at the god curiously, taking a moment to think. “How many do you have?”

“I’m unsure. They cover two arms.” Loki shrugged. “How many do you have? How did it work, with me having killed so many before you were born?”

“Born with marks,” Tony answered. “They’re all over my body. When did you figure it out?”

Tony couldn’t remember if he’d asked that before, but he was curious. Was it obvious that they were soulmates? For Loki, at least? He’d always heard the stories that finding a soulmate was the most obvious feeling in the world. He was always told that he’d ‘just know’. He didn’t understand it. He always questioned how he’d know, but it made sense. It made sense the moment he saw Loki, especially when they spoke on the balcony on Asgard. He just knew. 

“I had my suspicions beforehand, after we saw each other and spoke for the first time, though my suspicions were confirmed when marks started appearing when the chitauri arrived.” Loki hated himself the moment he realised. He remembered it somewhat well, and the feeling crushed him. He thought that he’d blown it, that he’d be alone forever. “What of you?”

“Same moment. When you killed Coulson and I got that mark... it made sense. I didn’t want to accept it, though. So I pretended that it wasn’t true until we talked on Asgard.” Tony shrugged. “Why did you stick around to talk to me?”

Loki thought for a second, trying to gather his thoughts. “I’m unsure. Part of me wanted to see how long it would take you to figure out that it was me, the other part of me wanted to see if you would like me if you didn’t know that it was me.”

Tony smiled softly as he took a step closer to the god. “Well, you got both.” He smiled. “Now! I believe you wanted some air and I wanted to show you a nice place! Let’s go!”

Tony didn’t want to dwell on the negatives. He didn’t want to think about the past or the future. He wanted to stay in the moment, only for an hour or so. Maybe that would help. Help who, he wasn’t sure, but he wanted to do something good. He wanted to prove that things could be okay. 

After all, everything was okay, and things were just getting better.


	29. 29. There May Be Trouble Ahead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra update ?!?!  
> Idk I reread this to try to find some inspiration and this chapter’s already been edited so... here’s an extra update!!! Enjoy!

Thor wasn’t quite sure how to feel. Excitement rushed through him at the thought of going home, but nerves threatened to take over as realisation hit him. Tomorrow he’d have an answer. He wanted to do it privately, knowing that Bruce didn’t like being the centre of attention, but royal tradition kicked in. There was going to have to be a public announcement, preferably at a ball to meet the new member of the royal family. Sure, it could be seen as disrespectful to the Grandmaster, doing it at the ball thrown for him, but that made it even better for Thor. Maybe he wouldn’t do it at the ball, En did scare him after the events of their last meeting, not that he would admit that. So he’d do it just before and announce it at the ball. That sounded like a plan.

He wanted to trust that Bruce would say yes. They were soulmates, so why wouldn’t he? The nerves were still prominent, though. The thoughts of ‘what ifs’ never seemed to stop. The ring he’d chosen was one of the grandest he could find on Asgard, created specifically for Bruce by the best jewellers on the realm. He would only do the best for his soulmate. He knew exactly what Odin would ask, though.

‘He’s mortal, how can he uphold our realm?’

Thor hadn’t figured that out yet. Odin didn’t approve of Bruce for the small fact of the human being... well, human. He wanted Thor to find an Aesir to wed, but Thor thought long and hard about that. He came to the conclusion that maybe he could take a page out of Loki’s book. After all, he could learn a lot from his younger sibling. He wasn’t going to let Odin stand in the way of love. He was going to defy his father.

That terrified him more than anything.

He remembered the last time he did that. That... he didn’t want to think about what happened. It worked out for him, eventually. Not for others affected by his actions. He still felt bad about that. If he hadn’t have reacted without thinking... maybe they’d be okay. But if he hadn’t, would he have met his soulmate?

“Thor?” A soft voice brought him out of his thoughts. “Are you alright?”

Thor turned to look at his soulmate with a smile, desperate to hide everything he felt. He was an open book, he knew, and he didn’t mind that, but he didn’t want Bruce to be suspicious.

“I’m alright,” Thor replied. “Simply excited to go home.”

“Or excited to annoy the Grandmaster, or whatever he’s called.” Bruce chuckled.

“I may as well! It’s not as if he can kill me, especially on Asgard.” Thor grinned in reply, beyond pleased that Bruce didn’t question his thinking. “You know me too well.”

“Mhm. Just don’t kill anyone and don’t get yourself killed,” Bruce said. “I think a nice relaxing weekend is called for.”

Thor nodded in agreement as he wrapped an arm around the scientist’s waist. He saw that Bruce was packing some paperwork, ones he recognised from the weekend he’d spent mercilessly nagging the doctor to stop working.

“A nice relaxing weekend doesn’t include working,” Thor replied with an amused smile. “Let’s leave all that behind for a weekend, okay? Let’s just have some fun.”

“Thor...” Bruce frowned as he searched for the words. “Tony’s worried about this. We’re almost finished and if I can get my side of the work done by the time we get back, like I’m sure he’ll do with his, we can get the prototypes up and running by Monday. As he says, the end of the world won’t wait for anyone.”

“Don’t let his stress impact your time, my love. You need to look after yourself.”

Thor gently held his soulmate closer as he pressed a gently kiss to the top of his head, smiling as he felt Bruce lean into his side. He would never get used to having a soulmate.

“I will. It’s not much, anyway. Won’t take more than a few hours.” Bruce hummed softly as he closed his eyes. “We should go.”

“If you insist.” Thor smiled as he gently let the human go.

They took their bags and walked down to the area that Tony had dubbed the ‘portal patch’, the ground that was branded by the Bifrost. The endless telling off encouraged Thor to use it as the main way to Asgard in attempt to not ruin all of the property. A peace treaty, in a way. He’d use the patch if he got pop tarts. It had worked.

The light consumed them, Bruce as unnerved as he always was. He hated it, it felt like he was being sucked up a hoover, but it was interesting. The fact that a portal could work so effortlessly throughout different planets. He wanted to know what powered it, or how it ever came into existence. It was incredible to think that maybe one day earth could have one of them.

The gold was a nice end to the endless rainbow, as much as Bruce loved it. The guards waiting were unnerving, but he didn’t say anything about it. He understood the precautions, even though he didn’t think they needed it. Everyone seemed to love Thor, so why would anyone try to hurt him? The horses were a nice surprise, the human thought. Having Thor help him up onto his horse and then riding alongside the god... it was nice. Bruce didn’t love Asgard, it was a like at most, but it was a nice change to Earth.

The palace looked just as intimidating as the first time, Bruce thought. He didn’t know if he liked it or not. There was something oddly sinister about it, but he thought that that would probably be him overreacting. He was in a place that he didn't know very well with very powerful people. He assumed it was natural to feel that way.

The walk to their bedroom was exactly how Bruce remembered it. Long and tedious. When they were there, however, it was oddly relaxing. It was familiar. It was safe. It was somewhere he could hide without fear of judgement.

Thor’s hands fidgeted in his lap as he thought. He had to talk to Odin and Frigga. He knew that En was arriving in three hours, so he didn’t have long to do it. If he didn’t... could he cope hiding his engagement? Well, if Bruce said yes, of course. There were too many uncertainties for comfort, Thor thought.

“I need to talk to my parents. Will you be okay for a little while?” Thor asked as he stood up, gaining Bruce’s attention.

“Yeah, yeah, ‘course,” Bruce replied with a soft smile. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, everything’s okay, simply some preparations for tonight and tomorrow.” Not technically a lie, Thor thought. A unique take on the truth.

He said another goodbye to his lover before he left the room, heading straight to the throne room where he knew his presence was expected.

Either way, no matter what Odin said, he was going to marry Bruce. He’d just have to get sneaky about it.

———————————————-

Asgard was exactly how Tony remembered it. Visually beautiful, but knowing even just some of its secrets... it didn’t seem as beautiful. It was a shame, really, but he assumed it was the same for every planet. Once you knew its secrets... it just wasn’t the same.

Tony wanted to know more about Asgard. About its history, not its royalty. Sure, he wanted to know more about Loki, but Odin? No. Maybe Frigga. She seemed cool. Thor was an open book, he knew enough about the older prince. He didn’t want to know anything about Odin. He seemed like a dick, Tony thought. He didn’t warrant the effort of learning about him.

Loki stayed almost silent as they walked down the Bifrost. They’d been offered horses, but they’d both agreed that a walk would be nice. A chance at fresh air before the storm. They were escorted by guards, of course, which unnerved the couple, but Loki didn’t show any unease. He must’ve been used to it, the mechanic thought. Tony didn’t know what was going through the god’s head. Loki had been quiet the entire day. A four when he woke up, a three just before they left. Tony was worried, but he didn’t say anything about it. He was just ready to support his soulmate the entire time.

They had an hour to waste until En arrived, then another two hours before the dinner. Loki had mentioned that he wasn’t sure if Tony could be in the throne room for the elder’s welcome, but he was going to do what he could to make sure that Tony was by his side. Loki didn’t want to be without his soulmate when Odin was around.

The bedroom was exactly how they’d left it, Tony thought. He didn’t know enough about the room to be able to tell if anything had been moved. The god instantly went over to the desk, checking over the contents that scattered the top. Tony wrapped his arms around him from behind and gently pressed a kiss to his neck, smiling as he felt the god lean into his touch.

“Odin won’t hurt you, I promise,” Tony quietly said. “Nothing bad will happen this weekend. We’ll have a relaxing time. Maybe we can go see that lake you wanted to go to?”

“Yes, perhaps we could do that tomorrow morning,” Loki replied softly, seeming calmer than before they left.

Tony smiled and nodded in reply, glad that things seems better. He was worried about what was going on back on earth, but he tried not to think about it. He’d almost finished the reactor, it just needed to be tested before they could add the finishing touches. Then they could enchant it. He had the blueprints to some drones that they were going to connect to the reactor as a trial, to see if it worked. In the mean time Tony was going to make some more permanent devices. He wanted it done. Bruce wasn’t even there to go over it either. He was so close and he just wanted it done.

“When’re we leaving?” Tony asked, hoping he didn’t sound too rude.

“Sunday afternoon, if things go to plan,” Loki replied. “We won’t be staying past Sunday eve.”

Tony nodded, willing to accept that as an answer. He knew that they wouldn’t be able to leave any sooner, he just had to take what he could get. A knock on the door got the couple’s attention, neither expecting to see anyone so soon. Loki opened the door with a polite smile, only to relax when he saw that it was Frigga. He opened the door wider as a silent invitation to come in, to which she accepted gracefully. Seeing Frigga explained so much about Loki, Tony thought.

‘It’s lovely to see the two of you again,” Frigga said with a smile. “I trust that you’ve both been keeping well.”

“Yeah, we’ve been doing great, haven’t killed each other yet so that’s a win.” Tony joked, earning small chuckles from the two gods. He was still massively intimidated by Frigga, but Loki trusted her so he made an effort to be nice.

“Yes, things are going well,” Loki said amusedly. ‘How are things here?”

Tony watched the two gods, seeing how at ease Loki seemed around his mother. Sure, not exactly the Loki he was used to seeing, this one was the ‘official’ Loki, the royal one, the one everyone else saw, but this one was nice. Not as nice as the Loki that he got to see when they were alone, though.

“Rather well,” Frigga replied. “We’ve created another trade deal with Niflheim, we’ve created a peace treaty with the new leader of Alfheim, it’s all gone rather well.”

“Has Thor arrived?” Loki questioned.

“Yes, him and Doctor Banner have been here for a few hours, though I must warn you, your brother and Odin have had a rather big... debate. It would be appreciated if you could help keep the tension low when the Grandmaster arrives.” Tony could see the hope in Frigga’s eyes, as if she was desperate for Loki to help.

Did anyone know about Loki and En’s past? He knew that Thor knew, but beyond that? It seemed like a big deal to everyone he’d heard talk about it, that the Grandmaster was visiting. Was he really that big a deal?

“In other words, you wish for me to distract Odin from Thor to make the crown prince look better for when he’s king. You want Odin to direct his anger at me rather than the one that needs to impress.” Loki analysed Frigga’s words, clearly unimpressed by her idea.

“No, I wish for a calm night,” Frigga replied softly. “You know the Grandmaster. You know what he’s like. I’d like to have someone he can at least have a positive experience with. I doubt Thor and Odin would enjoy the chaos he creates.”

Chaos. Great. That explained enough about how Loki and En got along so well. Equally, Tony figured that Frigga had no idea that En and Loki were close. Why? He couldn’t figure it out.

“Fine, though I’m not babysitting Thor.” Loki eventually agreed. “What did they argue about?” Loki knew that for Thor and Odin to argue to the point Frigga was worried, it must’ve been bad.

“Nothing to worry about, it should be clear by tomorrow. You know how stubborn they can be.” Frigga smiled sadly. “It will be fine. We needn’t worry.”

“It makes a change that I’m not involved. It’s rather nice.” Loki chuckled. A part of him loved the fact that Thor was in trouble and he wasn’t. It felt oddly great.

“No, though tread carefully around Odin.” Frigga warned with a sad smile.

Tony didn’t get it. If Frigga knew that Odin and Loki had a bad relationship, why would she still try to get Loki to get involved? Tony didn’t know the full story, that he knew, but he was worried. He was scared, even. He just wanted everything to be okay.

“I will,” Loki replied. “When is the Grandmaster due to arrive?”

“Half an hour,” Frigga answered. “You should be in the throne room in twenty minutes, so get ready.”

“We will see you there.” Loki smiled politely. He still wasn’t sure if Tony could be there, but he thought if he indirectly asked, he’d get a clear answer.

“Yes, ensure Anthony knows the correct protocols, and don’t be late,” Frigga said as she walked towards the door. “Don’t annoy Odin, either. Either of you.”

Once the door closed, Tony couldn’t help but laugh. “She already knows me so well.”

Loki smiled softly as he walked over to Tony and sat by his side. He couldn’t help but wonder why Thor and Odin fell out. They didn’t often, but when they did, it went badly. Like when Thor was banished. Normally when Thor and Odin argue, Loki ended up dealing with Odin’s anger. He hoped that with En around that Odin would be on his best behaviour. The god could hope, anyway. 

“She likes you,” Loki replied softly. “She took the time to learn about you when you were last here. She doesn’t often do that.”

“Then I need to carry on impressing her,” Tony said with a smile.

Loki smiled softly and gently kissed the mechanic’s cheek before he went to get changed. He handed Tony some armour that he thought would be good, hoping that it could at least go with the Iron Man’s aesthetic. Loki got into his battle armour, knowing that that was what was expected of him for the initial meeting. He noticed Tony watching him and he smiled.

“What?” Loki asked softly. 

“There’s so many layers,” Tony replied amusedly. “Thank fuck mine’s lighter.”

Tony put the black undershirt on, he noticed that it was similar to the one Loki put on. It was oddly heavy, he noticed. He put on the gold plates and the black leather trousers, and the heavy combat boots. He saw the coat and he smiled, hen turned to look at the god who was watching him, already ready. What took Tony just under ten minutes took Loki two, but that was just experience with that kind of armour. 

“You look absolutely ravishing, my love,” Loki said softly as he took a step towards the mechanic. 

“Mhm. A lot of work for when we’re alone though.” Tony chuckled softly. “But what was Frigga saying about protocols?”

“Oh, yes, those. Nothing too bad, I suppose,” Loki replied. 

“I’m used to keeping up appearances, don’t worry about that. Now shoot, what am I expected to do?” Tony asked. 

Tony was used to having rules to follow, having to keep up appearances. At balls, charity events, press conferences, he was used to having to be the person the people he was representing wanted him to be. It was second nature at that point, Tony thought. 

“Head up, be polite, don’t make a mockery of the throne, don’t invoke, don’t provoke, behave well, be the opposite of Thor, essentially,” Loki explained with a small smile. “Follow my lead and you should be fine. If we’re in danger follow the guards, if there’s death follow the guards, then stay with them until someone comes to get you. I know you won’t do that, though those are the formal procedures. Stay by my side until we’re out of the throne room and don’t react to Odin. Or En. Or Topaz. Or Brunnhilde.”

Tony listened amusedly, appreciating that Loki knew that Tony wouldn’t really do anything that he was told to. It was nice to have someone understand him. He loved having someone who didn’t try to control him. It was comforting. He nodded once he was sure he understood, then shrugged the coat on. 

“Does anyone know about your history with En?” Tony asked. It was best to be careful, just in case he accidentally revealed more than he should. 

“On Asgard, only Thor. Topaz and Brunnhilde, who I assume will be accompanying En, they will know,” Loki replied. “As far as everyone else is concerned, En and I have only met in passing when him and Odin have had meetings on Asgard. It was safer that way.”

“Safer?” Tony questioned. 

“Odin wouldn’t have taken kindly to me being with a man. Though now he’s had a year of Thor courting Banner, he has no excuse to react badly to us.” Loki shrugged.

“He doesn’t know about us?” Tony’s eyes widened as the god shook his head. “Will I be killed when he finds out? And how does Frigga know?’’

“I talk to Frigga. We can communicate without being on the same realm,” Loki replied. “There will be witnesses, Odin won’t do anything.” Tony looked at Loki blankly. “We best go, or we’ll be late.”

Tony sighed with an amused smile before he took Loki’s hand. The night was going to be chaos. Loki led the way to the throne room, both of them knowing that Tony would get lost. It was a maze, Tony thought. Every turning looked the same! Tony held onto the god’s hand tightly, his worry only increasing. He was going to be in the throne room, without the king knowing he was going to be there, and he was going to meet his partner’s ex. It was pretty nerve wracking, Tony thought. 

The throne room seemed so much bigger than he remembered, but he’d only been there once. When they’d arrived on Asgard for the last ball, he’d been greeted by Odin, Frigga and Thor. It was intimidating, but to now be on the other side... he never thought that that would happen. He saw Thor and Bruce and relaxed slightly, at least having a distraction. Thor looked annoyed, the tension between him and Odin creating a hostile atmosphere that was enough to scare Tony away, but once Odin realised they were in the room... the hostility was pointed towards them. 

“Odin, Mother, it’s lovely to see you again.” Loki smiled sweetly, not letting go of Tony’a hand. Thor smiled as he saw the two walking up towards them, glad that there was a distraction. 

“I wasn’t aware you were bringing someone,” Odin replied. 

“I checked with mother and she was more than happy for Anthony to be here,” Loki said. “Is there an issue?”

Tony could’ve sworn he saw Odin scowl, but he wasn’t sure. It was gone within a second. He followed Loki up the steps and to the platform, Loki leading him to the left, by Frigga. Thor was by Odin’s side, Bruce next to him. It was weird seeing his friend in Asgardian armour, but he was in the same position. He realised that he liked the coat. It was short, blazer length in the front, then it went down to his knees in the back. It had golden buttons on it, then golden details running down the back and down the arms. It made a statement, he thought. It made him unmissable. He loved it. 

“Not an issue,” Odin answered, but the tension in the room got thicker. 

Tony stood by Loki’s side, watching the god worriedly. Loki didn’t seem anything but mischievous, otherwise completely unreadable. As much as Tony loved that Loki could do that, it drove him mad. Then he got an idea. He gently tapped his finger on Loki’s hand six times, hoping the god would figure out what he meant. Not even a few seconds later, he got five taps in reply. Better than he was expecting. He gently gave the god’s hand a squeeze before he let go, seeing the doors open. 

The guards started to walk in, two in the front, leading the three figures in. The guards spread out once they reached the platform, going to the sides. The three figures came into the room, Tony finally able to see them. The two figures in the back, one seeming more aged, holding a big gold stick. The other looked young and annoyed. Both were wearing what looked like armour, Tony gathering that they were security, almost. Tony guessed that they were Topaz and Brunnhilde, the two that Loki said would more than likely be with En. Then he looked at the figure in the front. 

Not what he was expecting. The silver hair, bright blue makeup down his chin and around his eyes, the gold, blue and red clothing somehow not clashing, much more colourful than Tony was expecting. He seemed older, maybe a bit older than Tony, he thought. He owned the room as soon as he walked in, drawing all of the attention. There was something weird about the man, something Tony couldn’t quite place. But one thing he knew for sure.

He was in for a chaotic weekend.


	30. 30. Let All the Others Fight and Fuss

“Welcome, Grandmaster,” Odin welcomed with a polite smile, the tension in the room easing slightly.

“King Odin, it’s, uh, it’s lovely to see you again.” En smiled wickedly, and though it seemed somewhat polite, Tony could see slight hostility in the elder’s eyes.

Tony saw En look across the line of people on the platform, his smirk only growing when he saw Loki. Tony watched as the elder looked at him, suddenly unable to read him. That was unnerving, but he supposed that that was what En was going for. He remembered what Thor told him, En played games with people, and Loki only but confirmed that. He noticed En smile at him before turning back to the king, the realisation of why En smiled unnerving Tony even more. He was amused by Tony’s thoughts.

He looked at Loki, seeing that the god was smirking, the usual mischievous facade up. He was unreadable, Tony thought, but he put that down to them being in front of Odin, Bruce and Thor. It was tricky having to read Loki in public, but he knew that the number system worked if they could silently and discreetly work it. That was comforting, at least.

“You are here to discuss our treaty of peace. The discussions will happen tonight over dinner, and continue tomorrow if necessary. It will be celebrated by a ball, thrown in honour of you and your land. Have you any questions, we will be happy to answer.” Odin explained, wasting no time.

“Yeah, that, uh, that sounds really, really great,” En replied, his informality taking Tony by surprise. “Not to be rude, but it’s, it’s been a long, uh, long journey. I’d like to get some rest before our, uh, out meeting, if that’s okay.”

“Of course. Guards will escort you to the dining room in time,” Odin answered.

Tony didn’t pay attention to the rest, seeing how En sent a look to Loki. Tony couldn’t read it, but it was enough to unnerve him. He figured Loki understood it, but he didn’t react. The guards led the Sakaarians out, Tony presumed they were being shown to their rooms. The tension in the room grew again as everyone released their polite facades, Loki keeping the mischievous one up as usual. Odin turned to glare at the couple, ignoring Thor who was glaring at the back of his head.

“It was unacceptable for you to bring your accompaniment here without asking me, Loki. You’ve made a disgrace of Asgard in front of our guests!” Odin told Loki, his face pure with unprocessed anger.

“Then it’s a good thing that I don’t represent Asgard, is it not?” Loki asked in reply, a small smirk on his face. Tony went to step in, but Loki put a hand out to stop him.

“You are still a prince of Asgard, Loki. You will be for as long as Frigga allows it,” Odin answered, earning a glare from the queen. She was about to step in, but Loki spoke before she could.

“Then you admit you want to strip me of my titles? What reason would you give to the realms?” Loki asked, his smirk only growing.

Tony looked at everyone, seeing that everyone looked annoyed. Even Thor did, his face was like thunder. He looked as if he genuinely wanted to punch Odin, whether or not that was because of their argument of because of what Odin was telling Loki, Tony wasn’t sure, but he’d never seen the god looked so annoyed.

“You’re descending into paranoia, Loki. I did not say that I wish to strip you of your titles,” Odin replied, trying to shrug his words off.

“You needn’t say it, as your implications are enough. I needn’t Asgardian titles, after all, I have something that you want to be ridden of. Tread carefully, Odin. I’m not as easily controlled as I once was, and I’m unafraid to play dirty to match my competitor, need be.” Loki smirked, his eyes darkening. Loki gently took ahold of Tony’s hand before leading the human out of the room, presumably to go to their room.

“Hundreds will be harmed if you do that.” Odin called after them, as if to change Loki’s mind.

“Then that’s motive enough for you to be careful with your actions,” Loki replied.

Loki walked out of the room and made a quick turn, wanting to get away from Odin as fast as he could. He was shaking, finally allowing himself to feel the impact of what just happened. He didn’t mean to annoy Odin, not purposely, anyway. He thought he’d have to apologise to Frigga for doing the opposite of what she said. He led the human down the hallway, staying silent.

“Where are we going?” Tony eventually asked, noticing that they were going a different way to where their room was.

“En’s room,” Loki replied. “If you wish to return to our room then feel free to do so.”

Tony went quiet, not knowing how to reply. Loki’s reply seemed sharp, but Tony guessed that he was just stressed after his confrontation with Odin. Tony was tense too, worried about what may happen. What if Odin was annoyed enough to take it out on Loki again? Tony didn’t know what to do. Could he even help? What could he do if it did come to something hostile? He couldn’t fight against gods. Not without some serious help, anyway. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t try, but it wouldn’t end well for him, he knew. He was powerless and he hated it.

Tony was pulled from his thoughts when Loki knocked on a door, one that Tony assumed was belonging to the room En was staying in. It wasn’t even a few seconds before the door opened and the god was pulled into a hug, forcing him to let go of Tony’s hand. Tony glared at the golden figure, feeling unnecessary rage towards him. How dare he hug Loki? Tony didn’t like En. At all.

“Lo-Lo!” En beamed as he pulled away from Loki. He led them into the bedroom, his smile never fading. Tony closed the door behind him then leant against the wall beside it, his arms crossed. He wanted to leave. “Long time no see! It’s, uh, it’s nice to see you in one functioning piece!”

“It’s lovely to see you too, En,” Loki replied with a smile. Tony watched between the two, not liking how close they were, but he couldn’t help but like how relaxed Loki seemed around the elder. It was nice.

“It’s weird seeing you so, uh, so Asgardian,” En said. “Your face looks so bare, I, uh, it takes me back.”

Tony looked at En confusedly, wondering what he meant. He hadn’t been told anything about Sakaar, not anything that he could use to get a general feel of the place. All he knew was that it was a giant dumping ground, as Thor had said, and that it was completely chaotic. Tony could see that now. What he had noticed was that En was very colourful and all of them wore elaborate yet simplistic makeup. Did Loki do that? Did Loki ever wear colourful clothes? Tony was now very interested in going to Sakaar.

“You insisted on coming to Asgard and I have an appearance to keep here. Perhaps soon I can visit Sakaar again, it’s been far too long,” Loki replied with a smile. He turned to Tony with a smile, before turning back to En. He went to speak again before En spoke.

“Ah, this must be, uh, Anton!” En smiled, watching Tony. “Quite a looker. Not, uh, not too bad, if I say so myself.”

“Anthony,” Tony corrected with a sharp glare. “But call me Tony.”

“I haven’t seen, uh, seen a human in a while. You’ve evolved,” En noted, his smile only growing. “What’s Terra like now?”

“Good, I guess,” Tony replied with a shrug. “A lot more technological dependant.”

“Technological?” En questioned, suddenly seeming interested. “That’s, uh, interesting.” En looked at Tony with some inquisitive interest, his smile only growing. “You’ll have to come, uh, come to Sakaar at some point. I think you’ll like it.”

Tony saw Loki smile as soon as En said that. Tony was fairly confused by what was so big about that, but he assumed by En’s expression that he’d gone through his mind. Tony hated that more than anything. He felt vulnerable and he hated it.

“We’ll have to visit soon,” Loki said. “You and Tony can compare notes on technology.”

“Is Sakaar technological?” Tony asked En.

“Yeah!” En replied. “Uh, everything’s powered by technology. I, uh, I don’t know how, how different it is from yours, so maybe we can, uh, learn stuff from each other.”

“That would be cool.” Tony smiled in reply.

Tony was actually feeling better after that. En wasn’t as bad as he’d previously thought. He felt like he didn’t have to worry so much around the Elder, and he was glad that Loki seemed so happy around En. It was definitely good to know that Loki had someone he could trust.

“Then that’s a plan! Come, uh, come down any time! Door’s always open,” En replied. “So how’ve things been?”

“As if you don’t already know,” Loki answered with a relaxed smile. “Otherwise you would have visited Asgard last year, as you said you would.”

“Lo-Lo, I have eyes everywhere. I, uh, I know when you’re unavailable. Anyway, why would I come here when, uh, when you’re not here?” En asked teasingly.

“You’re insufferable.” Loki chuckled. “I would tread carefully around Thor, I doubt he’s in the best of moods.”

“But he’s fun to mess with!” En replied, a pout on his face.

“He is, though not today. Odin isn’t in the best of moods either, though he’s eager to impress you.” Loki noted.

“What’s he said this time?” En asked.

“I may have accidentally threatened him with war,” Loki replied with an innocent smile.

Tony couldn’t help but chuckle quietly, still amused as to how someone could casually announce that they accidentally threatened their adoptive father with war. It was scary to the mechanic that that was now his reality, that he had to live with the person who casually did that, but he was beyond excited for the chaos and the excitement that was bound to ensue.

“Oh.” En smiled amusedly. “That’s, uh, that’s not as bad as usual. As long as you’re not hurt.”

“I’m fine. Odin won’t do anything so long as you and Tony are here,” Loki said.

“He’s a sneaky bastard, Lo-Lo. Just, uh, just be safe, yeah?”

Tony was surprised to see En seem genuinely worried. Tony was surprised by En in general. After what he’d been told about the elder, he was expecting a heartless bitch who was always down for a fight, but he seemed to genuinely care about Loki. He seemed somewhat nice to Tony, too. It was weird, but he liked it. He liked En.

“I will,” Loki replied softly. “You needn’t worry, En. I’ll be fine.”

“Lo-Lo, last time you said that you, uh, you almost got killed by Surtur.” En smirked. “I always worry about you.”

There was that spark of rage again. Tony knew what it was, he wasn’t stupid, but he didn’t want to be the jealous type. He assumed it was because En was Loki’s ex and that they were still close, but what would happen when Pepper found out that Loki was back and was Tony’s soulmate? How would Loki react to them two being close? It wasn’t fair to be jealous. Not to Loki or himself.

“I like to keep everyone on their toes.” Loki shrugged innocently.

“And, uh, you do a good job at it.”

——————————————--

“He’s weird,” Tony said once they were back in their own room.

Tony still didn’t know how to feel about En. He was weird. He was much more chaotic than Tony ever expected, but why was he expecting normal? Or even peace? Loki seemed to attract chaos, so it would make sense that En was the definition of chaos. Then again, it was nice to see the god seem so at ease. He genuinely seemed to feel safe around En, more so than he was around Tony. Sure, that hurt, but he knew that the two had known each other for centuries.

“You get used to him,” Loki replied amusedly. “He is rather eccentric.”

“He’s batshit crazy. Is Sakaar like that?” Tony asked.

Loki nodded with an amused smile. “It’s very chaotic.”

“Then I can see why you like it there.” Tony chuckled amusedly.

Loki smiled amusedly and shook his head. He felt much more at ease, having spent some time with Tony and En. He was glad that they seemed to get on, but he knew that En would go out of his way to wind the mechanic up, and he felt bad for looking forward to seeing that. Was that bad? Probably, but it would be funny.

Tony sat next to the god and wrapped his arms around him. Loki leant into him and closed his eyes, the exhaustion from the weeks events catching up with him. Neither him or Tony had slept much, Loki too ill to do so and Tony too worried. Tony didn’t mind, he wanted to make sure that the god was safe and as okay as he could be, and he’d rather do that than sleep. Coffee was slowly becoming his life source, more so than before, almost becoming the replacement to alcohol. He missed alcohol. He’d managed to get his intake down to a glass a day, and as proud as he was for that, he itched to have more. There was an endless tug at his mind, almost as if it was dragging him to the bottles that he found home in. He knew he had to hold up his end of the deal though, even if it was awful.

Loki took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going to go wrong. Something felt off, but he put that down to being so ill for a week. His seidr felt almost overwhelming as he gained full control over it once more and his intuition felt sharper. It was getting harder to figure out what was real and what was fake. The dread hit him suddenly, but he put it down to regaining his senses. Either that or Odin was very annoyed with the fact he threatened him with war. That really wasn’t a great idea.

A knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts, even making Tony jump. It took the two of them by surprise, neither of them realising what the time was. Relaxing was something he didn’t get the chance to do often, so when they did it, they committed to it. It was refreshing for the both of them. Loki got up and opened the door, being greeted by two guards. Tony got up and walked to the god, gently taking his hand once he was by his side. The two shared a loving smile before they followed the guards out, being led to the dining room.

Tony wasn’t used to such formality. It was weird, he thought. Sure, he was used to security guards, but literal high fantasy guards who served royalty? Much more formal than what he was used to. He doubted he could ever get used to it.

The table was set, much more formal than when they visited the last time. It was very gold. Tony couldn’t tell if he liked it. Odin, Frigga, Thor and Bruce were already sat at the table, Frigga trying desperately to keep a steady conversation going. Tony could practically see relief in the queens eyes as she saw the two walk into the room.

“Loki, Anthony, come sit,” Frigga said with a warm smile.

Tony liked Frigga. She was very warm and motherly. Everything Tony’s mother never was. Loki led Tony to sit, going to Frigga’s side. They both ignored the glared from Odin, Loki more than Tony. The mechanic clenched his fists, his teeth grinding together as he struggled to keep his cool. Knowing what Odin did, what he was like... Tony had never hated someone so much in his life.

“Loki, do you have anything to say about earlier?” Odin asked.

“No. Not unless you do,” Loki replied sharply. “After all, we could discuss what you did on that night, or even simply a decade ago. I would love to learn why you did what you did.”

Thor and Frigga looked at Odin, who stared blankly at Loki who was smirking mischievously. Tony sighed but didn’t say anything, knowing he could ask in private.

Odin was about to reply when En walked in, followed by the two from before. En looked even more mischievous than before, if that was possible. Tony could really see why him and Loki got on well. They were both chaotic and mischievous, and both stupidly unpredictable. Dangerous.

“Welcome,” Odin greeted the Sakaarians with a smile. “I believe we have some business to get to.”

“Yes, I believe we do,” En replied with a polite smile as he sat down. “But first, why so much hostility in the room?”

Oh no. Tony couldn’t see that going well. 

“Simply a small disagreement. Nothing to concern yourself over,” Odin answered sharply. “You’re not here for our personal matters, we’re here for business. Now let us begin.”

It was going to be a long meal.


	31. 31. The Worst is Yet to Come

Loki was exhausted. Sure, the dinner could’ve gone worse, but the tension was awful. Worse than usual. He guessed that it was because Odin was more annoyed than usual, and more inclined to take it out on Loki. He couldn’t wait for it all to be over.

He didn’t know what Odin was going to do, and that unnerved him. Loki was now close with someone so Odin couldn’t risk hurting him. Tony would notice. There were things far worse than physical pain, though. Things that he wouldn’t be surprised if Odin did.

Tony felt as if he could relax slightly. For the rest of their trip they could avoid Odin as much as they wanted to. He didn’t know how easy that would be, but it was something that they needed to do. If Tony had to spend another second around him... Tony would probably punch him.

He looked around, seeing the golden hallways pass. He had no idea where they were going, he was just following Loki. Part of him was concerned about times. They had two hours until the ball and Tony didn’t want to go far, just in case they’d end up being late. Well, fashionably late was fine. He just didn’t want to risk annoying Odin any more than they already had, just in case something did happen.

Loud footsteps pulled him out of his thoughts, instantly recognising them as Thor’s. Thor had a habit of walking loudly, to the point where it was a recognising trait of the god. Thor walked over to them, a nervous smile playing at his face.

“Brother, can we talk?” Thor asked his sibling, his voice seeming strained.

Loki looked at Tony who smiled in reply before heading around a corner. He wasn’t sure where he was but there were some nice paintings on the wall, at least. Plus, he was close enough to defuse the situation if needed. Loki turned to his brother, his brows furrowed.

“Is everything okay?” Loki asked in reply. He never normally saw Thor so worried.

“Everything’s fine for the most part,” Thor replied. “I simply... I need some advice.”

“You’re coming to me for advice? Are you ill?” Loki questioned. Thor never went to him for advice.

“It’s about father,” Thor replied. “I’ve angered him.”

“I know. It’s been abundantly clear.” Loki sighed.

“I’m going to propose to Bruce,” Thor said hurriedly, as if he was scared to say it. “Father doesn’t approve.”

That made sense, Loki thought. Of course Odin wouldn’t approve. Bruce was human. What could he bring to the throne? It didn’t help that Thor was crown prince, he thought. Odin wouldn’t risk having a human on the throne. Why would he?

“He doesn’t control you, Thor. Don’t let him get in the way of your happiness,” Loki replied. “Propose to him. Wed if you can. What Odin thinks doesn’t mean anything. You won’t lose anything here. Odin wouldn’t risk you not getting the throne.”

“It’s... Yes. You’re right. What could he do if I propose?” Thor asked, a confident smile growing.

“I wouldn’t test him,” Loki said. “Stay safe, Thor.”

“I will, you don’t need to worry about me, brother.” Thor smiled.

“When do you plan on proposing?” Loki asked.

“In... an hour,” Thor replied with a sheepish smile.

Loki almost laughed. He could see the nerves darkening in his brothers eyes, how he wouldn’t stop fiddling with his hands and when he did he was gesturing while talking. He could see right through his brothers confident and cocky facade.

“He’ll say yes. You needn’t worry about that.” Loki smiled softly. “He would be stupid not to.”

Thor smiled softly. “Thank you, brother,” he replied. “How are things going with Anthony?”

“Good,” Loki answered. “Very good, in fact.”

“Is he treating you well?” Thor questioned as his eyes flickered to the corner Tony turned before returning back to his brother.

“Very well,” Loki replied. “You needn’t worry. I can take care of myself.”

“Okay, that’s good.” Thor smiled. “I’ll see you at the ball, brother.”

Thor turned to leave but Loki quickly spoke up. “What happened on the Bifrost?” He asked. Thor turned to look at Loki, his brows furrowed. “I remember you returning after I killed Laufey, though everything passed that is blurry.”

Thor looked at his brother with a frown. He couldn’t tell if it was a joke. Why would Loki ask that? It wasn’t something they’d ever talked about, and he doubted that they ever would. He wasn’t expecting Loki to ask about it.

“You tried to destroy Jotunheim and I stopped you,” Thor replied. “Is this a trick, Loki?”

Loki shook his head. “No. I truly can’t remember much of it,” Loki said. “Can I...?”

Thor looked at his brother, trying to judge whether or not he was telling the truth. He knew letting Loki in his head could be dangerous, but he could see the sincerity in Loki’s eyes. Thor nodded and Loki gave him a grateful smile before putting his hand on the older’s shoulder.

Thor watched as his brother’s eyes went wide, glaring over ever so slightly. Even then, Loki seemed as emotionless as ever. It was concerning, Thor thought, but admirable as a ruler. Thor wished he could be so hard to read at times.

Loki pulled away, taking a step away from Thor as he did. Thor frowned and took a small step towards his brother, his brows furrowing in concern.

“Loki? Is everything okay?” He asked softly.

“Yes, everything’s fine,” Loki replied, his voice sharp. “Thank you.”

Thor nodded but his concern never calmed. “What happened?”

“I... I needed confirmation over what happened. After falling into the void my memories were morphed. I wanted to know for certain what happened.” Loki shrugged.

“Well... if there’s anything else you want to know, I’m always here.” Thor smiled.

Thor felt awful. All the time he spent holding a grudge against Loki and Loki wasn’t even sure what happened. He should’ve talked to him, Thor thought. Thor should’ve talked to Loki to see what was going on.

“Thank you,” Loki replied, forcing a smile. “I appreciate it.” He looked at Thor again, trying to calm himself, to distract himself from the memories. “Good luck with Banner. He’ll be a fool to say no.”

Thor smiled slightly, trying to keep his nerves under control. “Thank you. I’ll see you at the ball.”

Loki nodded in reply before Thor walked away. Loki let out a breath, trying desperately to stop his hands from shaking. He walked over to where Tony went, feeling relief when he saw the mechanic looking at a painting.

“Lokes!” Tony smiled when he saw the god, his smile faltering when he saw the state of him. Nervous smile, paler than usual, his hands clasped together in front of him. Something happened, Tony thought. “What’s up?”

Loki shook his head. “I’m fine. Ready to go?” He asked.

Tony frowned but nodded anyway, following his soulmate down the hall. He made a mental note to ask Thor about it later.

“What did Thor want?” Tony asked.

“He’s proposing to Banner,” Loki replied.

Tony’s eyes widened as a small smile grew. “Oh shot. That’s cool.”

“Odin doesn’t approve,” Loki said.

Tony frowned and shook his head. “Fucking asshole.”

Loki chuckled softly but didn’t reply. He led Tony down the stairs, ignoring the clear confusion from the mechanic. He took the first door on the left, opening it to reveal what looked like an Asgardian version of a gym. Punching bags hung from the ceiling as well as swords, daggers and spears hung from the wall, accompanied by shields. Three people were already in there, Tony not surprised to see them.

“Lo-Lo! Toby!” En greeted with a smile.

Tony frowned slightly. “Tony.”

“That’s, that’s, uh, what I said,” En replied. “Glad you found us!”

Tony sighed but didn’t say anything else, gathering it was just an ‘En’ thing. He looked at the other two in the room, seeing one looked young, around the same age as Natasha, standing with a sword, the other looking around the same age as him and Bruce, holding the familiar gold pole. Tony didn’t want to know what that was.

“Tony, is it? Nice to meet you,” one of the people said, Tony wasn’t sure who she was.

“Nice to meet you too,” Tony replied, leaving a gap to imply that he wanted to know her name. She just smirked and turned away.

“That is Brunnhilde and Topaz,” Loki said, pointing each out.

“No need to spread my name, Lackey,” Brunnhilde replied, still not looking at them.

Loki rolled his eyes, a small smile on his face. “It’s nice to see you sober.”

“Same could be said for you,” Brunnhilde replied. She turned to look at him before she threw him two daggers, a blue handle and two sloped silver blades on each. “You’re more fun to fight when you’re sober.”

Loki went to reply but a swing of her sword cut him off, having to dodge it. He smiled and went over to her, dodging each swing of the sword gracefully while still trying to attack her with his daggers. They both had similar fighting styles, Tony noticed. As if they’d learnt from the same person.

“They’ll be at this for a while,” En said from Tony’s side, making the mechanic jump. “They, they, uh, they always do this. Think it’s the, uh, the Asgard affect.”

Tony looked at the elder confusedly. “Asgard affect?”

“Yeah, uh, both, both lived on Asgard, both got, uh, got a shit deal out of it,” En replied. “Shame, really.”

Tony looked at Brunnhilde and Loki who were still sparring, both as dangerous as the other with their respective weapons. He looked back at the Grandmaster who was watching the two, seeming amused. Topaz was just behind En, still holding the stick. Tony noticed she looked angry, but she always did from what he noticed.

“I, I don’t, uh, trust you,” En said after a few moments a of silence. Tony looked at the elder curiously, wondering what had happened. “But, uh, you make Loki happy, so I can’t kill you.”

Wow, so kind, Tony thought.

“Why don’t you trust me?” Tony asked.

“You used him for, uh, information. Played on his trauma to benefit yourself,” En replied, finally turning to look at him. “But I can see that you, uh, love him. Don’t hurt him.”

Tony looked away. “I won’t hurt him. What I did wasn’t right and I regret it. I wouldn’t do it again.”

“Good.” En smiled. “But, uh, thank you for helping him get clean again. I’m glad you’re, uh, laying off the alcohol, though. It’s not good for you humans. Don’t drink yourself to death.”

Tony was confused. He knew how En was getting the information, but Tony was confused as to why he seemed to care. Well, it was probably the fact that En cared about Loki, and of course that went into Tony.

“Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind,” Tony replied. “Can you stop, like... reading my mind?”

“I could, but I won’t.” En smirked. “Not until I can trust you.”

“Do you trust Loki?” Tony asked.

“I trust him to not do anything that, uh, that will physically hurt anyone else,” En replied.

“Physically hurt anyone else?” Tony questioned.

Tony was suspicious about what that meant, but he didn’t want to make any assumptions. Tony didn’t have a clue what was going on in Loki’s world. It was all confusing and weird. Very weird. It was nothing that Tony understood but he loved being a part of anyway.

“He, uh, he never realises that his self hatred hurts everyone around him,” En replied. “If things get bad, give me a shout. I’ll sort it out.”

“What can you do that I can’t?” Tony asked, furrowing his brows in frustration.

“Bring people back to life.” En smirked. “Well, with limits. Death, uh, Death doesn’t appreciate necromancy without limits. I need to respect her.”

“Oh. That makes sense.” Tony frowned.

“Look after yourself, Toby,” En said.

“It’s Tony,” replied Tony.

“That’s what I said.” En smirked.

Tony rolled his eyes and turned to the sparring duo again.

He was going to kill En.

——————————————————————

Thor paced, his hands fidgeting together. What if Bruce said no? What if he laughed in his face and left? What if Bruce never wanted to see him again? What if he’d make a fool of himself? Thor hadn’t felt anything like it before. He never wanted to feel that way again.

“Thor?” Bruce asked as he walked into the room.

Bruce was beyond worried. The passed week Thor had been behaving oddly. He had never seen Thor act so peculiar. He was tense when they tried to spend time together, he would always pace when he was alone and he disappeared for three days without saying where he was going or where he’d been. Bruce didn’t want to assume the worst, but he couldn’t help but wonder.

“Bruce!” Thor smiled, but Bruce could tell that there was an element of falseness to it. “How are you?”

Bruce frowned slightly. “Is there something you want to tell me?’

“Like what?” Thor asked. “I’ve nothing I need to tell you.” He chuckled nervously.

“Thor... what’s wrong?” Bruce questioned. “I’m worried about you.”

Thor looked at Bruce, seeing the genuine concern in his face. Bruce didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to help when Thor wouldn’t tell him what was wrong. He just wanted everything to go back to normal, whatever that was.

“Bruce, I love you,” Thor said. Bruce looked at Thor with wide eyes, fear obvious in his eyes. “I’ve loved you for years, and since being with you, I can’t begin to explain how happy you’ve made me. I... I don’t know how to expresss that, and I’m forever sorry. I want to be good enough for you.”

“And you are good enough for me. You always have been and always will be,” Bruce replied softly.

“Bruce, you deserve the finest in the realms.” Thor smiled softly. “I love you. I always have and I always will. You make me truly happy. Happier than I ever thought possible. And... I want to make things better.”

“Better? How can things be better?” Bruce asked softly.

“By... by doing this,” Thor replied. He knelt down on one knee and pulled out a box from his pocket, opening it to show Bruce. “I love you, Bruce. I love you more than anything. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and if there’s a way, I’ll commit to it. I’ll do anything. I want to make you happy. I want to show you the realms, give you everything there is to offer. I want to be there for you. Bruce Banner, will you marry me?”

Bruce looked at Thor in shock, his eyes watering. Bruce hated himself for thinking the worst. That maybe Thor was going behind his back to see someone else. He couldn’t believe that Thor had really done it. The ring was beautiful. A silver band with an emerald in the middle, amethysts encrusted in the band. Bruce had never seen anything like it.

“Yes...” Bruce grinned. “Of course I’ll marry you. I- oh my god.”

Thor laughed softly and gently slid the ring onto Bruce’s finger. He got up and pulled the human into a hug, tears threatening to fall out of his own eyes. “I... thank you!”

“Why are you thanking me?” Bruce asked, amusement clear in his voice.

“Because you said yes.” Thor smiled.

“Was there any question over that?” Bruce questioned.

“Love, you have no idea how stressful this has been.”

——————————————

Loki hated it. They’d never been anywhere worse, they thought. They were surrounded by people who hated them, who wanted them dead, who had actually called for their death on numerous occasions. They felt trapped, both on Asgard and in their body. They wanted to be free, they wanted to who they really were, but they couldn’t risk word about their heritage coming out. Then they would literally be killed.

They felt comfortable around Tony to just do it. They knew that Tony accepted them, and they appreciated that. The bracelets showed that Tony cared. They always wore one, even if they were under their sleeve, never to be seen. Partially because yellow didn’t go with their armour. The sentiment of them was nice. Comforting, even. Tony helped. But they were worried about Thor. How couldn’t they be? Odin was able to manipulate Thor, so how could they be safe around him? Especially ‘flaunting’ his heritage. Was it even that? Or was it just them? Did there have to be a reason?

On Sakaar they was accepted. To be fair, almost everything was accepted there. They weren’t special. They remembered En helping them through it, helping them figure out just what gender was and wasn’t, and how to really come into it. They missed those days. The days where they could just feel safe.

Even without the threat of Thanos, Loki wouldn’t be safe. Never. Not with what Odin was capable of. Loki just had to accept that, they thought. That no matter what, Odin’s’ influence would always haunt him.

“Lo-Lo!” En called from the doorway.

Loki wasn’t surprised that they were found. Whenever they needed air during the events, they’d always go to the balcony. It was always easy to find them in those situations.

“En, hello.” Loki smiled, albeit forced.

En walked over to the God’s side, his smile never fading. “For someone so intelligent, you sure are thick.”

“I beg your pardon?” Loki looked at En, their brows furrowed in confusion.

“You, Uh, you drown yourself in self-hatred,” En replied. “You refuse to see anything different than what you’re used to. Open your eyes and see that you have people who care. People who will accept you. It’s not black and white, Lo-Lo. Stop thinking so much and look around you. Let yourself be free.”

Loki rolled their eyes. “Ah yes, if only it was that easy.”

“Loki, I’m telling you this as your friend,” En said. “You’re a fucking idiot.” Loki glared at En, but the elder took no notice. “Tony cares, I care, Thor cares- don’t interrupt me, you don’t, Uh, you don’t know shit about this because you refuse to see it- Frigga cares, Bucky, is that his name? He cares. Verity cares. Brunnhilde cares one her own little way. We all care about you. You’ll only see your true potential if you get out of your head.”

Loki shook their head and looked away. They wanted to believe En. They wanted to, more than anything. How could they? All their life, people had never seemed to care. They seemed to leave or hurt them, no matter what.

“It’s easier said than done.” Loki frowned.

“I know. But there’s something you need to do. Destiny, I guess. Funny thing.” En sighed. “Lo-Lo, I love and care about you. I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t think you needed to hear it. What may be your greatest asset is your greatest enemy. Learn to find the balance and your true power will shine.”

Loki took a few seconds to really let En’s words sink in before they smirked. “You sound like a motivational speaker.”

“That’s, Uh, that’s my new career path.” En joked. “I’m gonna stop games and start coaching. How different can the two be?”

Loki laughed softly, the elder joining in shortly afterwards. En was probably the only one who would survive insulting the god as such, but then again, it wasn’t as if he could die. En used that to his advantage.

“I know what you mean. Perhaps I’ll work on it,” Loki said.

“That’s the Loki I know!” En grinned. “Just don’t kill anyone who doesn’t deserve it in the process.”

“No promises.” Loki chuckled.

En laughed softly as he looked over the balcony, taking in the view. He wanted to like Asgard, but after knowing what Loki was put through there... it was hard. It was the downside of living so long. The things he once loved he had to come to hate for one reason or another.

He heard footsteps come behind them and he smiled, knowing that Tony was there. He used the excuse of liking to annoy Tony, but secretly he did like the human. He seemed like a good person. He’d earned En’s respect, despite only knowing each other for a day.

“Toby!” En greeted as he turned around to look at the human.

“Tony.” He corrected without hesitation as he stopped next to the god. He gently took Loki’s hand, feeling the necklace as their wrists brushed together. He saw the yellow band peek out from the green sleeve and he turned back to En, a small smile on his face. “Thought you liked parties?”

“Same, Uh, same to you.” En smirked, making Tony roll his eyes. “I like them when they’re full of, Uh, fun people.”

“Yeah. Balls aren’t my thing either,” Tony replied amusedly.

Loki sighed softly. “You didn’t have to come, my love.”

“I wanted to support you.” Tony shrugged. “Plus, you talk about En enough, I thought I should finally meet him.”

“So it had nothing to do with babysitting me?” Loki asked, a brow raised.

“That was a bonus,” Tony replied.

En chuckled softly and shook his head. “You’re both birds of a feather.”

“What? Chaotic, disastrous and devilishly handsome?” Tony asked with a smirk.

“I was going for, Uh, self destructive and full of petty rage, but yeah, yours works.” En smirked.

Loki chuckled softly and shook their head. Both were right, of course. Loki wanted to change. They wanted to listen to what En had said and better themselves, but how could they? They were doomed to fail. To always be a monster. To be the person from the stories. Destiny, as En said.

To be the monster from the story books.

“Yeah, you’re not wrong either,” Tony replied amusedly, subconsciously squeezing the god’s hand as he noticed their mood falter slightly.

En started speaking, but Loki didn’t pay attention. They felt wrong, the whole atmosphere was changing. They looked at En, seeing that he seemed to notice it too. They looked over the balcony, seeing something in the distance. En noticed it too. Loki’s heart stopped when they realised what was happening.

They’d been found.

“Thanos is here.”


	32. 32. Rain Will Make the Flowers Grow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holiday update!!!  
> Don’t hate me :)

Of course Thanos would come. Typical. Why could’ve anything good last forever? Loki felt as if they were working on autopilot. They ran into the ballroom, followed by Tony and En. They had to warn everyone. They had to get people to safety. They ran over to Thor, ignoring both the glares and questioning looks they got. 

“Brother? What’s wrong?” Thor asked, seeing Loki rush to his side. 

“Thanos is here, we need to prepare for battle,” was all that Loki replied. Bruce looked at Loki with both horror and sympathy, to which they just ignored. Tony and En quickly caught up, both waiting for the plan they both knew the god had. “En, get everyone to safety, Tony, go to Midgard and get everyone you can.”

En nodded and rushed off, gathering the crowd of people and leading them down to a secluded pathway. Loki held their palm out, the tesseract appearing within a matter of seconds. They opened a portal, the lab of Stark Towers appearing on the other side. 

“Let me know when everyone’s here,” Loki told Tony. “I need my sceptre.”

Tony smiled nervously but nodded. “Yeah, you got it. I’ll be as quick as I can. Don’t die, okay?”

“Same goes to you, my love.” Loki smiled softly and gently kissed Tony’s cheek before they signalled for Thor to follow them. 

They weren’t in the mood for Thanos. Not now, not ever. Why couldn’t the Titan just leave them all alone? They wanted a happy, peaceful life. Thanos just threw a hole in that plan. 

“Do you think we can win this?” Thor asked quietly. 

“I don’t know, though we can die trying,” Loki replied, just as quiet as Thor. 

Thor nodded and carried on walking to the entrance of the palace. He took a deep breath before he turned to look at the younger. “He said yes.”

Loki smiled slightly and looked back at their brother. “Then let’s hope you both live to see your wedding.”

“You always know how to lessen nerves, Loki.” Thor chuckled softly, earning an amused smile from his sibling. 

They both stopped as they reached the entrance, waiting for the invaders to reach them. Loki was scared, not that they’d show it. If they failed... who knew what they would do to them. To the people they loved. They were well and truly fucked, as Tony would say. 

“Loki,” Thanos greeted with a smile. “Long time no see.”

“It’s been what, six months? I wouldn’t call that a long time,” Loki replied. “How did you like my farewell present?”

“I wasn’t expecting you to play dirty.” Thanos smirked. 

“Well, I’ve learnt from the best.” Loki shrugged. “We have no stones. I suggest you turn back.”

Thanos took a small step closer, both Maw and the Other staying behind. “How can we trust you?”

“I was the one who hid them.” Loki grinned mischievously. “Leave Asgard and its inhabitants unharmed, and perhaps I’ll consider-“

“He’s lying-“ Maw interrupted. 

“And if you can get inside my head then you know my pronouns. Use them.” Loki snapped, earning a confused glance from their brother. “If we’re going to battle, at least be respectful.”

“Very well.” Maw snarled. “They’re lying. They have stones. I can’t see much else.”

“Exactly. I have the stones. Not Asgard.” Loki frowned. “Perhaps we can reach a deal.”

“How did that work last time? With two of mine dead? You can’t be trusted,” Thanos replied. 

“Very well then.” Loki sighed as Thor held his hand out, Mjolnir being summoned to his hand. 

They were fucked. 

——————————————————————

Tony didn’t know where to start. Once back on Asgard, he ran to find Loki, desperately hoping that they were still alive. What would he do if they weren’t? He hadn’t really thought about that before, but he didn’t want to start thinking about that in that moment.

He looked around the battlefield, already seeing fallen bodies, both of creatures and guards alike. No one he knew though. That was good. He looked at the standing, seeing everyone battling one another. He saw Brunnhilde, Thor, Hulk, and how could he miss Thanos? He was mainly watching as his army fought tirelessly against every opponent they were faced with. Even the Other looked beat up. He finally saw Loki, fighting from afar, sending out seidr bolts like there was no tomorrow. He rushed over to them, the sceptre clasped in his metal hand. He landed next to them and popped the helmet up. 

“Glad to see I haven’t missed the party.” Tony smiled. “Sceptre, everyone’s here, portal’s still open.”

“I’ll go close it now,” Loki replied. “Thank you,” they said as they took the sceptre. “Stay safe.”

“You too. I love you,” Tony replied softly. 

“I love you too.” They smiled before they rushed off. 

They ran to the ballroom, seeing that as promised, the portal was still wide open. They took a quick look around before they held their hand out, the tesseract appearing once again. They closed the portal and was about to put the tesseract away when a voice caught their attention. 

“Liar.” Maw smirked. Loki turned to look at him as the tesseract disappeared from their hand. “You’ll regret everything you’ve done.”

“You say that as if I don’t regret everything already,” Loki replied. “Do you truly want to do this? Won’t peace be enough?

“There will be peace once father has the stones,” Maw said, a smirk still present. “You once agreed.”

“I agreed because my memories were manipulated and I had lost almost everything. Let’s not forget that I was influenced by the mind stone.” Loki shrugged. 

Maw looked at the sceptre, seeing that there was no stone in it. He looked back up at Loki, who just smirked. Of course they had the stone. They weren’t stupid. 

“The sceptre is powerless without the stone. You’ll have to use it at some point.” Maw frowned. 

“I won’t. I have my own power source. One that no one else will be able to wield,” Loki replied. “I thought that you were the most intelligent of them all, Maw. You’re disappointing me.” 

Maw snarled and waved his hand, a small glass-like pin made its way towards Loki, who noticed and created a magic shield just in time to stop it from hitting them. 

“Do you know what’s not disappointing?” Maw asked, earning a shake of the head from the god. 

Maw turned around and brought a pin down, slightly lower than his head, into thin air. Well, what Loki thought was thin air. A body appeared, one instantly recognisable as Frigga, who was wielding a sword. She looked as if she was just about ready to strike Maw with it. Loki’s heart stopped as they saw Frigga attempt to draw in breaths, struggling with the shard in her collar. 

“Your mother’s bravery. That was rather fun.” Maw smirked. 

Loki saw red. As they watched their mother struggle to breathe, they flung their hands out in the direction of Maw, shards of ice flying in his direction. Before Maw could even deflect them, they were hitting him, freezing him from the inside out. By the time the last one hit, he was crumbling into fractures of ice. Frigga fell to the floor, which broke Loki out of their enraged trance. They ran over to her, attempting to heal her. 

“Loki, it’s okay, let me rest,” Frigga said, her voice weak and shaky. 

“No, you deserve to live. You need to live,” Loki replied, tears threatening to spill as they kept trying, though nothing seemed to work. 

“I will continue to live in Valhalla.” Frigga smiled sadly. “I will always be by your side, my child. You won’t be alone.”

“Please-“ Loki choked out a sob, their hands starting to shake out of both anger and fear. “Mother, please, we still need you-“

“It’s not as if Odin listens to me when I’m here.” Frigga chuckled, her eyes starting to droop. “Thor may need some guidance, though I trust you can help him. Your brother loves you, Loki, and he needs you. Promise me you’ll work things out.”

“We will, though we can do that even when you’re here!” Loki sniffled. 

“I’ll be watching from Valhalla, Loki. Though I don’t expect to see you there any time soon. Promise me I won’t.” She frowned. “I’m proud of you, Loki. I love you.”

“I love you too, mother,” Loki replied, a tear falling when they saw Frigga’s eyes closed and her body go stiff. 

It was their fault, they thought. They should’ve known that Frigga was there. They should’ve protected her. They could hear the fighting from outside, signalling that they had to hurry up. They took one last look at Frigga’s body before they rushed out, heading towards the vault. En was right. They had to reach their full potential. And even though their mother had just died, it had given them an idea. 

——————————————-

Tony blasted anything hostile. He didn’t look to see what they were, quite frankly he didn’t want to know, he just fired. He hadn’t been hit, luckily. Apparently those creatures couldn’t fly, so he used that to his advantage, opting to fire from above. He sent a hit towards Thanos, who had summoned a blade. He didn’t like the look of that. Just as Thanos took a swing at Tony, he saw Clint go down. He felt a sharp burning sensation to his right, and before he knew it he collided with a tree. He slowly got back up, examining the damage. A small dent in his armour but nothing that would kill him. Nothing too bad. 

He saw Thanos about to take another swing at him before seeing a flash of ice hit the titan, instantly earning his attention. Loki was standing not too far away, holding the sceptre that was glowing blue. 

“You wanted revenge, correct?” Loki asked the titan. “We both have people to avenge. Now stop playing dirty and fight me.”

Tony wanted to scream. Why would Loki provoke someone who could just step on them? He was hoping that they weren’t stupid enough to do that, but there they were. 

“Where’s Maw?” Thanos asked. 

“Melting in the ballroom. I did say that the drinks were missing some ice, after all.” Loki smirked. 

Thanos frowned, seeing that all of his ‘children’ were dead. Tony did quite enjoy shooting the Other, but he didn’t think that it meant any good for them. Thanos swung his blade towards Loki, who simply teleported away. Thanos started attacking anyone who went near him, guards being killed in the process. 

Loki appeared next to Tony, who just flipped his helmet up. “Are you okay?” Loki asked him softly. 

“I’m alright, just a small hit. And you?” Tony asked in reply. 

“I’m alive.” Loki frowned. 

Tony remembered that he hadn’t given Loki a comm, so he held one out for them. “So we can all talk to each other. Don’t die.”

“You too.” Loki nodded. They put one in before they teleported off to fight again. 

Tony watched as blast after blast, more of the creatures went down. Guards were falling fast, he could even see some of their own faltering too. Clint was already down, Natasha didn’t look far off, and Steve was beginning to look exhausted. Stephen was doing his usual little ‘party tricks’, as Tony called them, and he was impressed that they were working. Even Bucky’s endless shooting and explosions were working. 

The more Loki used the sceptre, the stronger their Jotun form got. They’d infused the sceptre with the power of the casket of ancient winters, and was happy to see it worked. One touch of the sceptre and the enemy was down. The one downside they found was that their Jotun form was beginnng to show, starting from their hands and spreading. They didn’t like it, but it was fine for what it meant. 

Tony’s eyes widened when he saw the blue figure. “Damn, looks like we’ve got another icicle.”

“Tony, stop making icicle jokes,” Steve replied, but the amusement was clear in his voice. 

“They’re sort of funny,” Bucky said in reply to Steve. 

“Call me an icicle again and I won’t hesitate to freeze you, Tony.” Loki threatened, though they were smiling. 

“It was a term of endearment. You look cute like that.” Tony smiled softly. “Cuter if we weren’t in the middle of a fight, though.”

“If we live then you can see it later,” Loki replied. 

“I’ll hold you to that.” Was all that Tony said. 

Tony didn’t know how long it had been. Natasha had gone down, Hulk was starting to struggle, even the guards were beginning to thin out. On the bright side, so had the creatures. He could count them on four hands now, which sounded too good to be true. Thanos looked annoyed, his hits getting stronger as time passed. They’d all gotten pretty decent hits on the titan, but he was still standing. 

Tony saw a creature run to jump on Brunnhilde when her back was turned so he quickly shot at it, seeing it fall to the ground once done. He just couldn’t wait for it to be over. 

“I have a plan,” Loki eventually said. 

“What is it?” Bucky immediately asked. 

“I can attempt to freeze him from the inside, though I’m unsure how well it will work.” Loki explained. “Though if anyone touches him whilst I’m doing it, it’ll effect them too.”

“Why haven’t you done it already?” Stephen questioned, his voice sharper than usual. 

“I can’t get close to him. Any time I do he simply hits me with his sword. He’s keeping an eye out,” Loki answered. 

“So you want a distraction?” Thor asked. 

“If possible. Though don’t touch him,” Loki replied. 

“Can do. Give me a second.” Tony sighed. 

Loki kept fighting whatever creature came close to them. What seemed to be an endless wave of them was a considerably slowing, Loki having not seen any more arrive in ten minutes. That had to br a good sign, they thought. They couldn’t help but feel a little hopeful, that maybe that would be the end. That they wouldn't have to worry about Thanos anymore. That there would no longer be such a big threat, that they could all live in peace. They couldn’t help but hope. 

They kept an eye on Thanos as they fought, smirking to themselves when they saw the Titan get distracted. They didn’t see who was distracting them, but he took it as their sign to go. They teleported into the nearest tree to the titan, remembering the one thing he’d overheard in their training with the black order. 

Aim for the head. 

They hid in the tree, the titan’s back to them. They waited for the best time before the jumped down, aiming the sceptre for the titan’s head. Was it a good idea? They didn’t know. Would it work? They didn’t know, but what they did know was that it would do a lot of damage. Either way, they had a chance of winning, and they were going to take it. They wouldn’t let the titan kill anyone else. 

The sceptre pushed through the titan’s skull, the ice instantly working its magic as it even froze the top of his head. Loki smirked as they jumped down to the floor behind the Titan, their heart beating at a much faster rate than what felt healthy. 

Had they done it? Had they finally taken revenge on one of the people who caused them such endless pain? One of the people who haunted their dreams a night? That had ensured that Loki would never forget their suffering at the hands of him? That no matter what happened now, the Titan would never live up to the legacy he set himself. 

“You will never be a god,” Loki told the titan as his body froze, cracks starting to appear on his skin. 

Loki used their seidr to get the sceptre back, watching as the last of the creatures were killed off. They walked to the front of the titan, only for their heart to stop when they saw what had happened. 

Tony was the one distracting. 

Tony had made contact with the titan as the sceptre was freezing him. 

Tony was dying. 

Loki rushed to get Tony, turning back into their Aesir form in attempt to not hurt him. They used their seidr to get Tony’s armour off, seeing that the effects were already taking ahold. Not as strong as it was on the titan, but it was still too much for a human. 

“We did it.” Tony smiled through his blue tinted lips. 

Loki held Tony close as they tried to heal up, but they could feel their seidr being rejected. “We did. We did it. Midgard is safe.” 

“I miss your horns,” Tony said, albeit randomly. “They were cute.”

“You can see them later, my love. Later.” Loki sniffled, tears threatening to fall again. 

“Loki... don’t blame yourself. I made the choice. I knew the risks and I chose to do it. Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself,” Tony said softly as he gently held their hand. “This is my fault, and I’m okay with that.”

“It was my seidr that caused it,” Loki replied quietly. 

“And I was the idiot who punched him. Think that sort of means it’s my fault.” Tony chuckled softly, not even noticing as his skin turned white. “Can you promise me something?”

“Anything,” Loki replied without hesitation. 

“Stay alive. Stay clean. Don’t isolate yourself. Try to get better. Those four things are all I ask, please... no more trying. Do it. Please.” Tony frowned, watching the god with darkened eyes. 

“I promise,” Loki answered, gently rubbing the humans hand with their thumb as they did. “I love you, Tony.”

“I love you too, kitten.” Tony smiled softly, his eyes struggling to stay open. 

“Rest, my love. You deserve it.” Loki whispered softly. 

Tony looked up at Loki, looking into their eyes with a small smile. “‘Love you-“ he said as his eyes closed. 

“I love you too,” Loki replied, feeling Tony’s body tense. 

They didn’t even care that they were crying in front of so many people, they didn’t even care that they were vulnerable. They sat there, letting the sobs overcome them, crying over Tony’s frozen body. 

The rest of the Avengers watched, all in shock at their loss. Sure, they’d expected casualties, but death? Especially Tony. Steve wanted to curse the mechanic for punching Thanos last minute, for a reason he didn't think any of them would ever know, but he knew that it was to distract Thanos long enough for him to be killed. He just wished that it didn’t cost Tony’s life. 

Minutes passed, guards had taken casualties to the healing room, including Natasha and Clint. Whether or not they were going to survive was unknown, but none of them could deal with another death. Thor stepped forward and placed a gentle hand on Loki’s shoulder. 

“Bro- sibling?” Thor corrected himself. “We must get Anthony’s body ready to return to Midgard. We must let mother and father know of the events of the battle.”

“Mother’s dead,” Loki replied quietly, their voice holding no emotion. 

Thor’s eyes widened as he took a small step back. “What?”

“Maw killed her. Ballroom. I haven’t seen Odin.” Loki whispered, still staring down at his soulmate’s body. 

Thor looked at his sibling in shock, unable to process the information. He wanted to scream, to break things and leave a path of destruction, but he wasn’t the only one affected, he knew. He had to react responsibly. He didn’t know how, but he had to try. He took one last look at Loki before he opted for the ‘they might hate me for this but they need to look after themselves’ plan. 

He gently picked Loki up, who started screaming bloody murder at the movement. They started hitting Thor’s back in a desperate attempt to free themselves, though Thor didn’t let go. He just carried the younger into the palace. The screaming and hitting soon turned into hopeless sobbing, ones wracked with pain and suffering. Thor didn’t know what to do. Normally he’d turn to Frigga, but with her gone... En was the next best thing. 

Bruce watched as the two gods went inside before turning back to the rest of the team. He knew that they were probably staying until Natasha and Clint were cleared, but how long would that be? And how could they possibly explain this back on earth?

Sure, they’d won, but at what cost?


	33. 33. Try Once More Like You Did Before

Within an hour, Clint was pronounced dead. The internal bleeding was too far gone to be stopped. A few hours after that, Natasha was pronounced dead, the punctured lung finally giving out. Steve, Bruce and Thor were all in shock. How much grief could they all take? Funeral planning was going just as well as anyone really expected. They were going to stick around for Frigga’s before they were going back to earth for the funerals there.

Thor went back to his room, wanting to rest up before the first funeral. Bruce followed, wanting to at least help. He didn’t know how, but... losing a mother as well as friends couldn’t have been easy. He sat next to the god on the bed and gently took his hand in his own. Nothing felt okay, Bruce thought. None of it felt real. It all felt like some twisted dream.

Thor stared down at the floor as he attempted to gather his thoughts. What could he do? Nothing could ever be the same, and would that be okay? Could they work with it? Or would everything just become a hopeless void of nothing?

“Thor... how’re you feeling?” Bruce asked softly.

Thor shook his head. “I don’t know. How are you?”

“I don’t know.” Bruce shrugged. “Denial is a great thing.”

“Will it ever get easier?” Thor asked, but Bruce shook his head. 

“It’ll get easier to handle the feelings, but they’ll always be there.” Bruce frowned. “Things aren’t great. Losing them won’t get any easier, but we can learn from it, I guess. They saved the world, their deaths weren’t for nothing. We just have to make sure that we don’t let that be in vein.” 

Thor nodded quietly, finally looking up at Bruce. How could any of it be real? What had they all done so wrong to have caused so many deaths? He wanted everything to be okay, but how could any of it e okay when they were stuck in some sick game, created by such a sadist?

“At least I have you.” Thor tried to smile. 

Bruce smiled sadly and gently wrapped an arm around the god, pulling him closer. “I love you.

“I love you too.”

————————————————

“What the fuck just happened?” 

Steve watched as Bucky paced, but he did nothing to stop him. He knew that Bucky needed a way to release his energy, so he just watched. 

Steve didn’t know how to feel. He felt shocked, that much he knew. Other than that? It felt like he was in a video game. One where characters were being killed off for the fun of it. None of it felt real. He just wanted it to be some joke.

“Everything will be fine. We watched people die daily back in the army.” Steve frowned. 

He didn’t know if everything would be fine. How could he? So much had changed. They just lost half the team. How could anything be okay? He had funerals to plan. Well, chances are Tony already had his planned, and Clint’s wife probably wanted to do his. He would do Natasha’s. Him and Bucky. That was his plan. 

“Well... this year is starting off great,” Bucky said with a bitter frown. “I... I don’t know who to be angry with! Why didn’t Loki check? Why did Tony punch Thanos? Why didn’t we cover for Nat and Clint? Why couldn’t we save them? We’re meant to save people! Why didn’t we do that?!”

Steve frowned and got up. He walked over to Bucky and pulled him into a hug before he could start pacing again. Bucky instantly broke down, sobbing into his soulmates shoulder. Why was life so unfair? Why couldn’t anything just be okay? Why did everything hurt?

“It’ll all work out. Somehow, some way, this will work. I promise,” Steve whispered as he rubbed Bucky’s back, trying to comfort him. 

“And what if it doesn’t?”

“Then we adapt and survive.”

——————————————

“Lo-Lo? It’s time to wake up!”

No answer. 

“Lo-Lo?”

Silence. 

“Are you still in there?” 

Nothing. 

“Chiquitita, tell me what’s wrong?” En started to sing. “You’re enchained in your own sorrow... in your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow...”

Still no answer. 

“I’ll keep singing ABBA until you make a noise.”

Nada. 

“How I hate to see you like this... there is no way you can deny it... I can see that you’re oh so sad, so quiet... Am I annoying you yet?”

En heard a thud as the door shook, signalling that yes, he did annoy Loki. 

“Cool. Can I come in?” He asked, earning no reply. “Funeral’s in half an hour. I know you don’t want to miss that. She wouldn’t want you to wallow in self pity.”

A much more forceful thud at the door. He’d hit a soft spot. 

“Can I come in?” He asked again, receiving no form of answer. He took that as a yes so he opened the door. 

The room was dark, things were thrown all over the place. Loki was sat at the back, curled into a corner. He frowned and went to sit next to him, wrapping an arm around him as he did. 

Loki didn’t even react. He kept staring at the floor, barely even registering that he wasn’t alone anymore. He didn’t want to be there. He didn’t want to think for another second. He wanted it all to be over. 

Would it ever get easier? He’d been alive for over a thousand years and it only ever got harder. He knew that death was a part of life, but when it happened to people around him... he just wanted to stop. He wanted it all to stop. If he could sacrifice himself for everyone else... he would without hesitation. 

“Death sucks, but... I’m here, you’ve got Thor, Bruce, Bucky, Steve... You’re not alone, Lo-Lo. Not now, not ever. You’ve got us. I know that that won’t take away from what’s happened, but... maybe it can show that no matter what, things won’t get harder. They’ll get better. It just takes time.”

Loki finally turned to look at En, his eyes red from crying so much. En smiled sadly and wrapped an arm around him, gently hugging him. 

“It never gets easier.” Loki sniffled. 

“I know it feels that way, but people don’t say that for fun. Things don’t get easier on their own. You need to try,” En said. 

“That’s what Tony said,” Loki whispered. 

“He was a smart man. His legacy, his actions will help so many people. His work will save lives. That’s the thing to focus on.” En sighed softly. 

“He didn’t finish his work.” Loki frowned. 

“But we can.” En shrugged. “Between us, Bruce, and Stephen... we can finish it for him.”

“Can’t you bring him back?” Loki asked. 

That was the question En was dreading. “Lo-Lo, there are some things not even I can do. Me and Tony talked about it. I need to respect what he told me.”

“You never do that with me.” Loki frowned. 

“I mean this with love, you’re not stable enough to make your own decisions about those kinds of things. You have potential that you don’t even know. Tony... he was human. He was coming to the end of it anyway. And I know that he was talking to me out of logistics, not out of impulsiveness. You can get better, Loki. Stop thinking you can’t.”

Loki shook his head as he got up, walking away from En. He went to the wardrobe and got his armour out, getting changed into it. He didn’t care that En was in the room. They’d done worse in front of each other. Loki glared at his stomach as he noticed his armour was tighter than usual. Sure, that was good, he wasn’t exactly the healthiest before hand, but he didn’t want to alter his armour again. It was annoying. 

He walked out of the room wordlessly, En following. En didn’t know what to do. How could he help? What could he do? He hoped that the funerals would provide some closure. After all, what else could be done?

Thor and Bruce were already at the balcony, but Loki didn’t say anything. He just stood at the opposite side, looking out at the water. He could already see the boat ready to set sail, and the endless crowd underneath them. He hadn’t been to a funeral like that before. A funeral of a royal. It was weird. It was starting to feel real. It made the whole thing a reality. 

En stood next to Loki, despite knowing that he probably shouldn’t. He wasn’t a royal of Asgard. Bruce was technically not a royal, but he was engaged to one. Bruce could be there. En couldn’t, but when did he ever follow rules? 

Odin walked onto the balcony, sending both children sharp looks. Loki didn’t even look at him. They hadn’t spoken since the dinner, and Loki didn’t want to talk now. He kept his gaze ahead as he tapped his finger on his thigh, En noticed he was consistently tapping a number. 

Two. 

Odin didn’t say anything. Not to Loki, anyway. He didn’t take any notice. He watched as the boat set sail, then it being set on fire. Loki wanted to look away, but the fire was entrancing. He couldn’t help but remember what had been. 

One of his earliest memories was when he was about five, he’d fallen in the woods playing with Thor and his friends. He’d scraped his knee, and he went to Frigga who healed it for him. Then they had some hot chocolate and read some books. 

Or when he had his first crush. He wanted to ask her out, but he didn’t have the courage. Frigga helped him pick flowers for her, make sweet treats for their picnic, was even there to help him through his heartache when they broke up. 

Or when he had his first breakdown. She was there to help him pick up the pieces. She was by his side, making sure he looked after himself, making sure that he got better. 

Or when he was coming into his own. When he realised that he didn’t need to surround himself with people that didn’t care. That he could study both magic and combat, not just one or the other. When he was really getting into his own, she was there supporting him every step of the way. 

She was the only parental figure he had. That he’d ever had. She was the one person who knew exactly what to do. She knew how to help with any problem. He didn’t have to pretend around her. Well, he did to a certain degree, but for the most part, he could be himself. What family did he have now? Well, he had Thor...

Eventually the crowds died out, some coming inside for the ‘celebration’. He didn’t know how to feel about that. Why celebrate a death? What was the point? ‘Celebrate their lives’, then why did people who didn’t care when they were alive come to celebrate their life after death?

One by one, everyone went in. First Odin, then Bruce and Thor, and after much convincing, En left Loki alone for a few minutes. Of course, he stayed close to the balcony, wanting to keep an eye on the god. 

Loki stayed on the balcony, sat in the corner, watching the boat. Why couldn’t it have been Odin? Morbid thought, but that would have been nicer. Asgard wouldn’t be so corrupt otherwise. Why did death always come for those who deserved to live?

“How’s he doing?” Thor asked En, holding a drink close to his chest. 

“Not great. He, uh, he’s struggling. I’m keeping an eye on him. I don’t want him to be alone. I don’t know what he’s going to do.” En frowned. 

“Was he there when mother...?” Thor questioned. 

“I don’t know. I think so. I haven’t asked. I don’t want to.” En sighed. “How are you holding up?”

Thor shrugged. “I’ve been better, though I know that despite what I’m feeling now that things will get better. I just need time.” 

En nodded before he turned back out to each Loki. “He needs more than me right now. I’m doing my best, but he needs people. He needs family.”

“What do I say?” Thor asked. 

“Just do what you never did. Be a brother,” En replied before he walked away. 

Thor took a deep breath before he walked out to the balcony. It was already dark, he didn’t know how long Loki had been sat there for. It was like he had completely shut off. Thor sat by his side, putting his drink to the side before he looked out at the boat. 

He remembered the first time he got hurt. He fell up the palace stairs, scraping his chin by doing so. Frigga healed him and gave him some hot chocolate before he was running around again, not learning from his previous mistake. 

He remembered the time he was learning how to fight and how he felt hopeless, like he wasn’t getting any better no matter how hard he tried. Frigga was always there to reassure him that it would get easier. That things came with time. She urged him not to give up. 

He remembered how she was there for every heartbreak, how she would make him hot chocolate and then they’d go spar. How she would always try to teach him both different combat methods and lessons that would be useful for when he became king. Sure, those lessons never stuck, but she cared enough to try. 

He remembered how she helped him through his grief. After losing Loki for the first time, she was always there. They would grieve together. She always made it clear that he was never alone in his suffering. That she would be there for him, every step of the way. 

She taught him about compassion. That was something he was forever grateful for. 

“She was brilliant,” Thor eventually said. 

“She was,” was all that Loki replied. 

Thor nodded and looked down to his lap, picking at his hands. “Loki... what are your plans now?”

“I don’t know.” Loki shrugged. He hadn’t put any thought into it. “There’s nothing keeping me in Asgard. Nothing keeping me on Midgard. There’s nothing to keep me anywhere.”

“You’re free, then,” Thor replied quietly. 

“I wouldn’t say it’s freedom.” It was more like lack of belonging. 

“I’m here, you know,” Thor said. “We might not have the easiest relationship, but I care about you. You’re my sibling. Blood or not. You will always be my sibling. And even if there’s nothing to keep you here or on Midgard, I will always welcome you with open arms. I will always be here.”

It took Loki a few seconds to comprehend what Thor said. He didn’t know how to react. He remembered Frigga saying that she wanted them to reconcile, and... was that possible? At her funeral, they really talked. More than usual. About feelings and their relationship. He didn’t know what to make of it. 

“Thank you. I appreciate it,” Loki replied. “Asgard isn’t somewhere I can be. I’m not welcome here, especially while Odin’s here. After my actions on Midgard if I return there I’ll be confined to hiding once again. I believe I may simply float around for a while.”

Thor nodded shortly. “I will always be here, no matter what you do,” he said. “I will support you, and I will always be here. No matter what.”

“Thank you.” Loki finally looked at Thor. “She said that she wanted us to work things out. That she’s proud of us but wants us to fix our relationship.”

“Were you there?” Thor asked quietly. 

“I was. She wasn’t on her own,” Loki replied, just as quiet. 

Thor nodded as he turned to look at Loki. “At least she’s in Valhalla.”

Loki only nodded before looking away. He was exhausted. He wanted to sleep, but how could he? He couldn’t even find the motivation to sleep. 

“Will you come to Midgard?” Thor asked softly. 

“For the funerals? Yes. I don’t know if I’ll stay.” Loki frowned. 

“There will always be a place for you at the tower. Well... there’ll be a few openings on the team. Perhaps that would be good for you.” Thor suggested. 

“I tried to rule the realm, Thor. I was responsible for hundreds of deaths. I doubt they’d take nicely to me,” Loki replied. 

Thor nodded and looked down again, feeling hopeless. Why did everything have to be so bad? Why couldn’t things just work out like some perfect fairy tale? Why couldn’t everyone be happy?

Loki stared out at the boat, desperately wishing that things would be okay. That things would work out. That he would be happy again. He doubted that that would happen, but he could hope. 

He wanted to be alone. He wanted to hide from the world and rot as he did so. He knew he couldn’t, though. He promised Tony that he wouldn’t. But then again, Tony was dead. He wouldn’t know. He would know, but what could he do about it? Haunt him? Actually...

“What did Anthony mean by ‘stay clean’?” Thor eventually asked. 

Loki thought for a second, weighing his options up. Thor would find out either way, but maybe it would be best to hear it from him. “I... every now and then, I take some... substances. Some are highly addictive. Sometimes when things get hard, I turn back to them, then get addicted again. Well, the addiction doesn’t go, it simply becomes redundant, though it’s easy for it to come back. I recently got clean again, Tony helped me through it. That’s why I was ill.”

“Loki... why didn’t you tell me?” Thor asked, his brows raised. 

“Why? So I would be the laughing stock amongst your friend group?” Loki questioned. “Well, I sold most of your friends things. Who do you think started the trade in Asgard?”

“You’re insufferable.” Thor chuckled. 

“I try.” Loki smirked slightly. 

“Do you have any?” Thor asked. 

“No,” Loki replied, only to receive a sceptical look from Thor. “I don’t.”

“So if I search your room I won’t find any?” Thor asked, earning a shake of the head in reply. “If I do, I’ll start keeping a closer eye on you. Room checks twice a day, all that jazz. Besides, would you really want to go back on your promise to Tony?”

“He’s not here.” Loki snapped. “He won’t know.”

“Death isn’t the end, Loki. He lives on, he’s with lady death. Quite possibly watching right now. Do you want to disappoint him?” Thor questioned. 

Loki looked away. He knew that Thor was right. Why did he have to be right? He just wanted to cope with his usual ways. He wanted to hurt. He wanted to be numb. He wanted to let himself feel the pain that he deserved. He wanted it to work. 

“I’ll see you later, Thor.” Loki stood up and went to walk away. 

“Loki,” Thor said, stopping the younger in his attempt to escape. “I just want you to be okay. I want to help. Please, let me help. Let me be your brother.”

Loki blinked back the tears, the different emotions that clashed together causing an endless amount of tour meant. “I’ll see you later.”

Without another word, he walked through the hall. He ignored all of the looks and glares he got. Word had spread that he’d killed the Titan, but the word had also spread that by doing so he killed Tony. People had mixed reactions, it seemed. 

He was just about to walk out of the door when he heard a voice call for him. The last voice he wanted to hear. 

“Loki, where are you going?” Odin asked. 

Loki turned around to face the king, his hands shaking. “I need to be alone.”

“Isn’t that disrespectful? This is to celebrate Frigga’s life. I would’ve thought you’d want to be here for that.” Odin frowned. “Especially considering you didn’t save her.”

Loki clenched his fists, welcoming the burning sensation of burning as his nails dug into his palm. “I did what I could.”

“That clearly wasn’t enough. If only Thor had been there,” Odin replied. 

En stepped towards Odin, but caught sight of the deathly glare he was being sent by the younger god. He sent Odin a warning glance before he took a small step back, opting to step in when necessary. 

“If only she mentioned you when she was taking her last breaths,” Loki replied. “None of us are perfect, Odin, though at least I don’t run the throne on a sea of lies.”

“I would tread carefully, Loki. Know your place.” Odin snarled. 

“That’s the problem, I don’t know my place!” Loki laughed hysterically. “Frigga’s gone, you’ve no reason to keep me here! If you’re going to disown me and strip me of my titles, do it! If you’re going to lock me in a cell and call for my torture again, then do it! What are you waiting for? Do you wish to keep me on my toes? I’m done playing your games! If I’m for the axe then for mercy’s sake, just swing it. I’m done.”

Loki ignored all of the stares he got from the people filling the room. How would anyone believe him? Odin had set himself the perfect cover. Loki was the god of lies. How could anyone believe him?

“Are you done with these lies? You’re clearly delusional. I’m your father, Loki.” Odin smirked. 

“Lies? Are the scars on my body lies? The stains of blood in the cell and in my room? The guards who were sent into cells, though I’m certain they’ll be released soon. How about the memories? They’re rather true, sadly.” Loki snarled. “You’re not my father. You’ve made that abundantly clear. I’m nothing more than a peace treaty, now useless considering Laufey’s dead. Frigga was the only reason I’m still here, so why am I still here?”

Looks of shock, gasps filling the room. Loki ignored all of them. He knew that the word would get out about his heritage. He’d flaunted it enough during the fight. He’d rather it come from his own mouth rather than spiral into rumours and gossip. 

“If you carry on then you’ll get what you want.” Odin threatened. 

“It’s not as if I have a choice.” Loki chuckled. “No. No matter what I do, nothing will stop you from what you want to do. It didn’t stop you last time, did it? I’ve no power over what you do. I’m powerless so long as I’m on Asgard, nothing but a pawn for you to use to gain more power. You always said that Frigga’s the only reason I’m alive, or Frigga’s the only reason I haven’t been banished, or Frigga’s the only reason I haven’t been disowned. She’s not here now, is she? You have nothing to stop you. So do it.”

“Loki-“ Thor warned, but was shut off by a glare from his sibling. Steve gently pulled Thor back, knowing that it wasn’t the situation for Thor to be involved in. 

“Loki, you’re clearly delusional.” Odin frowned. 

Loki laughed bitterly. “No. You’re simply smart. Something I once heard was a good man can’t be king, and a king can’t be a good man. I didn’t understand it for a while, though when I learnt of what you did... when you locked me up for the guards to torture me... it made sense. You’re a good king to your people, that’s for sure. I’ve done everything I can to earn your respect and approval. Where has that gotten me? Disown me. Strip me of my titles. Kill me. I don’t care. Just stop with the games, I’m begging you!”

Loki didn’t care. He didn’t care about the tears streaming down his cheeks. He didn’t care about the questioning looks he was getting from everyone. He didn’t care about the glares he was getting from Odin. He didn’t care. 

“You’re being dramatic,” Odin replied. 

“Perhaps I am, though I mean every word. Once you’ve made your decision, I’ll be on Midgard. I’ll see you then.” Loki smiled politely before he walked out, ignoring the looks he got as he did. 

He noticed shock, sympathy, anger... there was a mix. He probably couldn’t go back to Asgard for a while, but that was fine. He could work it out. He didn’t know what possessed him to snap at Odin. He was definitely going to get killed. Why did he do that?

He heard footsteps behind him, heels, he realised, racing to catch up with him. He kept taking long and fast strides, hoping not to be disturbed. He just wanted to be alone. 

“Loki?” He heard a voice call out, making him stop in surprise. 

“Sigyn?” He asked as he turned around, seeing his ex standing behind him, looking as golden as ever. 

“Nice to see you still have a flare for the dramatics.” She smiled softly. “Considering Odin might kill you soon, how about a catch up?”

Was that a good idea? But then again, Tony did say that he wanted him to talk to people. 

“Of course. The gardens?”

“That would be nice,” She replied softly. 

Maybe he wouldn’t be alone, after all. 

And maybe that would be okay.


	34. 34. Friends Will Be Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not going to lie, I completely forgot that time exists and that it’s now Wednesday. I’m very sorry for the late update but hey, less wait for the next one!! Happy new year to everyone, I hope you’re all keeping safe! Enjoy the chapter x

Earth wasn’t the same. Everywhere he looked there was pain and suffering. What once seemed so light was now dark. Dull. Boring. Everything was boring. Not worth his time. Not worth his effort. Nothing was okay. Nothing was good. Nothing could ever be okay. What little hope he had was gone, disappeared within seconds. Never to come back. 

Funeral was done. First one, anyway. No word from Odin. No word on his execution date. Loki promised he’d stay alive. He couldn’t help it if he was sentenced to death. He knew that death wouldn’t end the suffering. Death wasn’t the end. No. It was a new beginning. More time to suffer. Realistically, death wasn’t the best option for that reason. More suffering. He knew that first hand. But then there was the issue of staying alive. He didn’t want to do that either. So he had two options

Forget or sleep. 

Did he want to forget? Did he want to forget about Tony? Could he do that? Or Frigga? What about the memories with them? Even if he remembered those memories, he would still be struck by grief. Sleeping... that would work. He wouldn’t be conscious. He wouldn’t be able to feel. An infinite void of nothing. 

Two options. Magic or practical. He could find a spell. He knew a spell. Yes. How could he forget about that spell? That spell was dangerous. It would trap him in a state between unconscious and death. Weird dreams, but he could live with that. Well, he wouldn’t be living. Or then there was the other way. No weird dreams but a chance of waking up, whether that be in life or death. Was that an option? 

Nothing made sense. Everything was dark. Black and white. No more green. No more gold. No more red. Black and white. Boring. Bland. Everything he hated. Everything he despised. Nothing he wanted to see. Nothing worth living through. 

Funeral. Another. Quaint. Of course, he hid. He didn’t want to be seen. He went out of respect. It was full of Shield agents. Loki stayed invisible. He wasn’t close to Natasha, but she was a good person. She was kind. She didn’t hate him. She respected him. 

Red. Lots of red. Roses. Carpet. Ribbon. Red wood casket. 

Red ledger. 

Crying. Not from Fury though. Fury was stoic. 

It was a never ending cycle. Was it worth it? Loki didn’t see the point. What was the point of crying? What did it accomplish? What did it do? It didn’t help. It didn’t bring anyone back. All of the crying, all of the pleas to bring them back, it wouldn’t work. Nothing ever worked. So why keep trying?

Loki didn’t hang around. It would be a death sentence if he stayed. As soon as it was over, he went to the tower. No one would find him there. Not for a while. He assumed they had until the funeral before anyone came to the tower. The lab, specifically. The lab...

The reactor was still on a table. A bottle of whiskey was to the side, half empty, it having been given up. A gauntlet. Silver. One he recognised from Tony working on it before. He wanted to add better repulsers, ones that would react faster. 

React. 

He reacted without checking. Tony reacted without thought. Two mistakes that ended with death. The death of the wrong person. It should’ve been him. 

It should’ve been him. 

He felt something tap his foot, making him look down. A small circular disk. It made a small beep, as if an apology, before speeding away. No dust. Clean. It cleaned. Clean bot, he remembered. It kept beeping, a small, consistent beep. Loki didn’t know what it meant. Tony didn’t write it down. He didn’t make a note of it. The room was his note. 

Every little bit was Tony. Made by him. Loved by him. The whole room was Tony’s legacy. Legacy far greater than the human had ever imagined. The endless questions that now filled the world were nothing more than annoying. 

What comes next?

Tony didn’t have an heir. He didn’t have anyone he could hand the company to. That was what the world was desperate to know. What would happen to Iron Man? What would happen to Stark Industries? What would happen to the Avengers? What would happen to his ex?

Loki didn’t know why that angered him. They didn’t know about him. They didn’t know about his time with Tony. They didn’t know. 

He didn’t exist. 

He was nothing. 

Nothing without hope. 

————————————————

Third. 

Loving. More crying. Much more crying. More stoic Fury. 

Crying children. That was worse. They didn’t understand. Would they ever? Their father died to save them. To save the world. The universe, even. Even though he never got on with Clint, he still held respect for him. Well, he did. 

Still invisible. Silently paying his respect. No one knew that he was there, but he needed to be. He had to be there. He should’ve saved him. He should’ve saved all of them. Even if he didn’t kill any of them, he had a duty to protect them. They all had families. They all had hope. They had something to live for. 

More uncertainty. More disappearing before anyone could notice a shadow. More pretending that he didn’t exist. That he was nothing than a memory. Something they could celebrate for its absence. 

The tower was lonely. It always was after a funeral. When there were people there, he either hid in Tony’s room or his own. Why did he want to see people? People who would just hate him. People who would be disappointed that he was still around. People who wanted him gone. He had no use being there. He didn’t have to stay there. Tony wasn’t there, so why did they have to put up with him? Why was he there? 

Pity. 

A bittersweet thing. 

They let him stay out of pity. A never ending pity party that was doomed to be his life. 

It smelt like him. The room. It smelt of oil, pine and lavender. Tony Stark. The bed was still a mess. The quilt having been thrown off in a hurry. The wardrobe doors were open, again, hurry. The room was exactly how they left it. Loki didn’t like how messy it was, but he found it endearing. He found Tony endearing. 

He didn’t want to touch anything. He wanted to leave it exactly like that. Just in case Tony came back. He felt stupid. Tony wouldn’t come back. He was gone. Dead. He was dead. He couldn’t do anything. He was stuck. He was torn. Tony wasn’t coming back, so why not touch anything? But then what if Tony was coming back? 

What if?

The pain manifested, what he thought was purely mental was beginning to take a toll on his physical being. As a sharp pain shot through his stomach, as if thousands of knives were pushing out, as if bursting out of him, he leant onto the wall, his breathing slowing. It was hard to breathe, he realised. Whether that was physical or merely an emotional reaction to the pain. 

A scream escaped him, whether from the mental of physical pain, he wasn’t sure. He felt a burn encase him, the ‘what ifs’ turning into something more. Something real. 

If that could happen to a hero, to a saviour, to a good person, then what would happen to a bad person? 

What would happen to the people who deserved to die?

Would it be worse? Pain. Endless pain. 

And who was to deliver it?

———————————————

Fourth. 

Crying. Lots of crying. 

He finally understood. The tears, the wailing, the desperate pleads for them to come back. It made sense. 

Less people than the rest. Loki could count twenty, if that. Quiet. Peaceful. Everything that Tony ever wanted. 

They’d talked about funerals. Tony wanted a small, quiet one with the people he cared about. Loki... he didn’t want a funeral. What was the point?

The words passed in a blur. The words shed meaning, but nothing of use. What use were memories but a desperate way to cling to pain? Memories are the easiest way to hurt yourself. That’s what Loki thought. And if he welcomed that pain, why not welcome more?

Empty. They were going outside to send the reactor down the lake. Sentiment, Loki realised. Sentiment was a curse that could take down even the strongest. Why not use that to his advantage?

The invisibility dropped. There was no use hiding. He wanted to say goodbye, and to do that, in the desperate wish that Tony was watching somehow, he had to be seen. He had to say goodbye. Sentiment. It even struck him. 

He didn’t look different. Still as pale, still as blue, still as dead. It was real. He was gone. Soon enough, he’d be thrown under dirt. They’d plant him and then move on. All of them would move on. Meet new people. Replace him. 

How?

Tony wanted him to move on, but how could he? He’d just found his soulmate, and now he was gone. He had left. Just like everyone else. Out of all the promises he made to Tony, he kept most of his. He kept almost all of them. He intended to keep what he could. Tony... Tony was a good person. Tony was good. He had to keep his promises. He had to. 

“You promised me you wouldn’t leave,” Loki whispered through his tears. “You promised me you wouldn’t die.”

Loki bit his lip, thinking himself foolish for even hoping that he would get an answer. He laughed bitterly as he wiped his tears away, ashamed of what he was becoming. He was becoming soft. Human. The Tony Stark effect. 

“Excuse me,” a voice said from behind him. “Who are you?”

Shit. 

What could he do? He was caught. He didn’t recognise the voice. Sweet but held authority. He did know the voice. New York, twenty-twelve. At least he had a way off of earth, need be, if it all went bad. Well, when it all went bad. From what he knew about Pepper Potts, he would be lucky if he made it out of the situation in one piece. 

He turned around with a sweet smile, though his red eyes gave him away. “Virginia, am I correct?” He smiled, then saw a man next to her. “James? Yes. It’s nice to meet you both.”

“Wish I could say the same to you,” Rhodes replied, his brows furrowed. “Look, if you’re here to destroy the world again, can you wait? We’re in the middle of something.”

“No, I know,” Loki answered. “Even if I had something malicious planned, I wouldn’t dream of doing it now. Though I can assure you, I’ve nothing planned. I simply... I wanted to pay my respects.”

Pepper took a small step forward. “Where were you?” She asked. “The fight happened on Asgard. You were meant to be there.”

“I was,” Loki replied. 

Loki didn’t know what else to say. He knew about them. Tony talked about them a lot. Rhodey was his best friend from college, they were closer than Tony ever let on. Of course, any time Rhodey was around Loki hid. Tony didn’t want to risk anything happening, and neither did Loki. Tony clearly held some form of feelings for Pepper, though all platonic. Respect, was the main thing, Loki noticed. Again, Loki was never around when she was there. He could hear their laughs, their experiences. He could see the love held between the three. 

“So why are you here?” Rhodey asked. 

‘Because I love him.’

“To pay my respects.” Loki shrugged. “It was an honour to fight alongside him. It’s a shame he lost his life.”

“Yeah. Especially considering the other people there.” Pepper frowned, earning a glare from Rhodey. 

He turned back to Loki. “Look... if you’re not going to do anything, stay. But if you even glare at someone, you need to go.” Rhodey warned. “And avoid Fury, or anyone from Shield. They won’t take kindly to you being here.”

Loki nodded, forcing a polite smile. “Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Pepper glared at him before she stormed away. She’d seen how badly Tony had been affected by what Loki did. That’s all she saw. Well, all she knew to see. She saw the nightmares. She saw the drinking. The tremors. The selflessness. The loss of life. She saw how much Tony suffered at his actions, and that was something she could never forgive. 

Rhodey took one last look at Loki before he followed Pepper out. Sure, he’d seen the same, but the Loki there wasn’t the one they all saw before. Rhodey noticed the tear rimmed eyes and the tear stains that streaked his cheeks. Rhodey noticed, but didn’t question it. After all, he knew enough. 

Loki took one last look at Tony. The person who gave him hope. The person who made his life worth living. The person who showed him what happiness felt like. The person that could make his cheeks hurt from laughing so hard. The person who could make everything better. The person who had an answer to everything. The person who expected him to be better. 

“I’m sorry.”

—————————————

“Loki?” 

It was dark. Why? Oh. Yes. That made sense. He slowly sat up, his eyes starting to focus. His room. He hated it. The room that reminded him of pain and sorrow and suffering. Then again, everywhere did that. What was the point of ignoring it when it would only ever surround him with no release?

“Loki? Are you there?”

Knocking. Lots of knocking. Why? The door was closed. He wanted to be alone. Wasn’t that obvious? He slowly pushed himself to his feet, proud that he only stumbled once. He brushed off his clothes, still in the suit from the funeral, minus the jacket. How long had it been? Minutes? Hours? He didn’t know. It was getting dark, it couldn’t have been too long. 

He walked to the door, not knowing who was on the other side. He knew the voice, he just didn’t think to recognise it. He didn’t want to open it, but he knew that he had to make at least one appearance. Just one. Then he could hide again. 

Bucky. “Oh. Hello. Is everything okay?” Loki asked. 

“I should be asking you that,” Bucky replied. “I haven’t seen you since we came here. No one has. Well, apart from Pepper and Rhodey.”

“Yes. That was an accident.” Loki frowned. 

“You don’t have to hide, y’know,” Bucky said. “We’re all here for you. Just... I’m always here for you. Don’t shut yourself away. Please.”

Loki nodded slowly. He didn’t know how to do that. Why would he force himself to be around people when he didn’t want to be there? When they didn’t want him to be there? No. He had to shut himself away. Until he found an option, at least. 

“Thank you.” Loki forced a smile. 

“We’re friends, Loki. That’s what we do.” Bucky smiled softly. “But, uh, we’re going through the will. You’re in it, apparently.”

Loki looked at Bucky, his brows raised. “What?”

“Yeah. Steve, Thor, Bruce, Pepper and Rhodey are there. Well, and me. Thought you all might need some moral support. But... yeah, we’re starting in five minutes. Thought you might want to be there.”

Was it a good idea? “Yes, I’ll be there now. Thank you.”

Bucky smiled supportively. “It’ll be okay. It’ll take time, but it’ll be okay. I promise.”

Loki nodded and closed the door. What else could he do? He leant his head on the door, resting his shaky hand against it. Why was it all so... so bad? So hopeless? So shit? Why couldn’t it have been him? He would’ve welcomed it. He would’ve taken it. He wanted it. Tony didn’t. Tony didn’t deserve it. Tony had worth. He had a plan. He could’ve done something. What will he do? What could he do? Take whatever he could either smoke or inject and shed enough blood to make a vampire happy. He could cause death and destruction. Who would cause endless pain. He could do everything he shouldn’t, because that was who he was. 

He was hopeless. 

He felt as if he was floating. As if he was watching himself from afar, his body on autopilot to the living room. The room they partied in. The room they watched movies in. The room they made memories in. Happy memories. It was too good to be true. 

En. Why was he there? His colourful attire grabbed attention amongst the funeral gear. Even though it was only a yellow shirt and blue skinny jeans, it was enough. Loki stood at the back of the room, staying away from everyone. He leant against the wall, barely feeling it. En took one look at him to know what was going on. He just turned back around. Now wasn’t the time or the place. 

Thor went to walk over to Loki, but was stopped by En. Whispers. Loki heard them. He didn’t know what was said though. They merged. Noise. Not anything he could hear. Just noise. Thor frowned before he turned back, opting to listen to En. He didn’t know what to do, but knew that Loki’s friend had Loki’s best interest at heart. He just had to trust him. 

Speaking. More speaking. Nothing Loki could understand. Mental, or his abilities finally failing him? Or insanity encasing him once more? He didn’t know. He didn’t care enough to know. He kept staring forward, ignoring everyone else in the room. What were they saying that could possibly make things better?

Tony. Why was Tony there? He pushed himself off of the wall, gaining the attention of everyone. Voice in his head. 

'Not real.'

En. 

En was in his head. Not real. Tony wasn't real. He leant back against the wall, focusing on the apparition in front of them. He saw the projector, which made him realise his mistake. 

He'd never see Tony again. 

Loki barely listened. However much money going to the Avengers, as well as the tower, as long as Shield wasn't involved. Pepper got the company. Rhodey was to take over Iron Man responsibilities as long as he looked after himself. En was going to take over as the inventor for the company until they found someone permanent. Bruce got the lab. Then Loki. 

"-the house, and everything left in it. Our room is yours, even in the tower. There's a statement ready, change it how you want. Once that's out, your name's cleared. Do what you want with it. Be safe. Remember what I said, and actually listen. Do what I know you can do, Loki. I trust you."

Charity. Shield. More charities. Loki stopped listening. 

Three. 

More talking. No more Tony. Buzzing. Loud. Very loud. Why did people keep talking? Why did they seem happy? How could they be happy? How could they just talk freely as if no one died? How could they carry on?

Him. They were looking at him. They were asking him questions. Pepper specifically. She was asking questions. He didn't know what she was saying. He could hear her, but it was gibberish. It didn't make sense. Loud. Very loud. It hurt. 

Everyone started talking, the buzzing kept getting louder. Why? Why did everything hurt? Why couldn't he just be normal? Why couldn't he have hope? Why couldn't he be fine? Why couldn't he be what Tony wanted him to be?

Room. How was he in his room? When did he get there? Why? Why was he there? He'd lost everything. Thor was right. People watched. They could watch after death. He'd done the exact opposite of what Tony wanted him to do. 

He'd fucked up.

So what were his options? Get clean or just commit to it?

Which was easier?

Colour. En. Definitely En. He was moving. How? He wasn't walking. Lifted. He was on the floor? Well, he wasn't any more. Bed. It was warm. Soft. Weird. He didn't like it. He felt a rush. Was he sitting up? He was. He felt En try to push him down, but he tried pushing away. He needed to go. He didn't know where, but he couldn't be there. Bed again. Was he truly that weak? He couldn't even stand up. 

He felt a warmth to his left. Almost welcoming. He felt arms around him, and as much as he wanted to push away, he couldn't. He couldn't find it in himself to move. He wanted it.

En gently rubbed his back as he held him close. His heart broke, seeing the god in that state. He didn't need to look in his head to know what was going on. After the four seconds he was in there, he didn't want to go back in. He kept ahold of the god, even as he sobbed. As he allowed his heart to break. As he let himself feel it. En was there, just like he always would be. Just like he always had been. 

En held him through the tears. Through the cries. Through the pleads. Through the begging. Through everything. 

En would always be there to pick up the pieces, just like he always had been and always would be. Nothing would ever change on that part.

No matter how much Loki believed that he was alone, that he had no one, he would always be wrong. Because whereas people left or died, En wouldn't. He would always be there. 

Loki would never be alone.


	35. 35. Turn Your Guns to a Fist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW // Self Harm and suicidal ideation, mention of abortion and vomiting, there’ll be a description of the chapter in the end notes. 
> 
> Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who’s reading this. This started off as a really random concept and turned into the first work I’ve written and actually finished in years. It really means a lot that you’re reading this. Thank you. 
> 
> The next chapter is easier to read, it’s less frantic, so bear with! Enjoy the chapter!

Work. It wasn’t the same, but it was something to do. Something to remind him of Tony. Of the days they spent in the lab, Loki would annoy Stephen and vice versa, Bruce would be on the verge of killing someone, and Tony would watch in amusement. Nothing much had changed, but En was there. Not Tony.

Loki hadn’t been alone in a while. Not since the funeral. Not in a month. It had been hell. He just wanted to be able to make a cup of tea without being stared at. He knew that En cared. That all of them did it because they didn’t want him getting high, but he didn’t need it. He could control himself.

Well, he couldn’t, but that wasn’t the point.

Every single time he thought about it, En would glare and Thor would remind him of what he promised Tony. It was awful. He hated it. But he had to get used to it, somehow.

Work was somewhat fine. It was working to a certain extent. It gave him a distraction. It gave him something to do. It gave him something to do for Tony.

Finish the reactor so he could finish the one thing Tony wanted to finish.

They could finish it.

Despite still being sober, the pain got worse. Grief, they all assumed. The vomiting, the cramps, it always got worse. It would never stop. Grief. At least it wasn’t too bad.

The world didn’t hate him, luckily. The statement was released. Loki had no say in it. Along with the public terms of Tony’s will, the ‘adults’, as En called them, decided to release the statement too. All merged into one video.

‘As of September twenty-twenty-two, we learnt some information regarding the attack of twenty-twelve and the future of this planet.  
After discussions with Loki, we have come to learn of the existence of a group who mean to kill half of the universe. The battle was planned and orchestrated by them. Loki was under the same influence as Hawkeye, and is therefore excused of his crimes.  
Since then, we’ve been working closely with Loki to create a defence system that will make the world safer, especially from these people. He’s been working with us every step of the way and we owe him a lot.  
We know that there’ll be a lot of doubts. We had some in the beginning, but Tony convinced us to give him a chance, and we’re lucky he did.  
On January sixteenth, twenty-twenty-five, Tony Stark, Natasha Romanoff and Clint Barton died while fighting Thanos. They gave their lives for us to live safely, and we can’t ever let them down.  
We owe them so much, more than we can ever give, and hopefully we can make them proud.’

Loki stopped listening after that. He’d met Fury. Fury wasn’t happy. He didn’t want Loki there, but Tony’s statement mixed with everyone standing up for him, Fury begrudgingly left.

The world reacted fine, as far as he saw. Steve relaying the statement definitely helped. Everyone loved Steve.

Everyone went back to normal. They carried on. As if nothing ever happened. Steve was working on creating a new Avengers lineup, whereas Bruce carried on working on the reactor. As if nothing ever happened.

Loki wanted out. He was doing fine. He was sober. He was alive. He was in one piece. He had people. He was miserable. He was hopeless. Nothing was okay. Nothing was fine. Nothing was normal, like they all wanted it to be.

Nothing would ever be okay again.

——————————

He was alone. Finally.

They finally trusted him enough to be alone. He wasn’t a threat to himself anymore, apparently. When wasn’t he a threat to himself?

Loki sighed and sat down, the wall providing enough support for him to stay up. The vomiting only got worse. It hurt. It got to the point where the vomiting was worse than the pain. Bruce said it was grief. Apparently it was a normal reaction to when a soulmate died. Loki didn’t know. He wished he didn’t have to.

He stared at the dagger in front of him, ignoring the small hint of red against the sharp blade. He knew that he probably wouldn’t be left alone again, but did that matter? No. He was done.

He didn’t want to be there. He didn’t want to live through the pain. Bruce said that the physical effects could last for at least a year. He didn’t want that. He’d rather have the chance of being with Tony than living through it. He wouldn’t go to Valhalla. He wouldn’t see Frigga without Lady Death’s help. If he could get to her, he could get to both of them.

He could do it.

Loki stared down at his arm, his body tensing more than previous when he saw the metal. The permanent reminder.

He was always going to be a pawn to Thanos, and even in his death, he was working in his favour.

He had killed Tony, and he was killing himself.

Thanos would be proud. He didn’t know what to make of that. Frigga was proud, apparently. Then again, she never saw who he was. Who he became.

The metal was a binding. No matter what, he was a child of Thanos. Whether he meant to be or not. He was exhausted. He was done. He didn’t want to do it. He couldn’t.

He let out a scream of pain before he even realised why. The dagger was in his arm. Metal. No blood, at least. That was a plus. He pulled the knife out, seeing wires pulled out in the process.

That was a problem.

Options. Go to ask for help, or leave it. Was it worth the risk? He didn’t know how the metal affected his arm. He wasn’t even aware that there was wires in there. He couldn’t risk it.

Bruce was surprised. He didn’t expect to see Loki. Especially when the god came to him for help. The wires weren’t his forte, but with the help of Jarvis, it was a bit easier. He didn’t ask any questions, he just did what he could to help.

Until he saw the cuts.

“How did this happen?” Bruce asked quietly.

“I wanted it out. I didn’t think. It was a moment of mistake,” Loki replied.

Bruce was almost convinced. He melted the wires back into place before he looked at the broken metal. They didn’t have any material like that. It resembled metal, but it was different. Stronger. Resistant to cold.

Until he realised.

Tony was working on something. Whatever it was, it was meant to fix things. Make it as if they weren’t even broken. It worked, Bruce remembered. They tested it and it worked.

It even worked on that material.

Bruce put the gauntlet back in the case before he grabbed some bandages. Loki got up, about to leave when Bruce showed him the bandages. He sighed before he sat down again, letting Bruce wrap his arm up.

“Is there anywhere else?” Bruce asked, earning a shake of the head in reply. “Should I believe you?”

“Will what I say make a difference?” Loki questioned.

“I want to help, Loki,” Bruce replied. “Let us help you.”

“There’s nothing to help.” Loki shrugged. “Don’t speak a word of this to anyone.”

Bruce sighed and sat back. Loki took that as a sign to leave. Loki didn’t want to waste any time. He rushed back to the safety of Tony’s room. It hadn’t changed. Pepper tried to change it, but Loki protested. They all pitied him so they just left it.

He didn’t want to be pitied. He wanted to be treated normally. En complied, for the most part. No one else did. They treated him as if he was a china doll. As if he’d break with one misstep.

They weren’t wrong, but being babied wasn’t helping.

He didn’t know why he was so stupid. He didn’t put any illusions up. He didn’t hide the cuts. Or the scars. The scars he was ever so grateful that Tony didn’t comment on. He wasn’t stupid, he knew that Tony had seen them. He just didn’t comment on them.

No doubt that En would find out. Either from Bruce’s thoughts or words. He didn’t care about being alone. No, that wasn’t the point. The point was letting En down.

He couldn’t do that again.

————————————

Was it a good idea to move? Well, if he didn’t then someone would get him. Did he want that hassle? Did he want the endless questions and the tip toeing?

It was like he was on autopilot. Go to the kitchen, grab a drink and an apple, then go back to his room. At least he’d shown his face that way. He did it every day, without fail. He was sure he could do it in his sleep.

People in the kitchen. That wasn’t new. What was new was that it was everyone. Steve, Bucky, Thor, Bruce and En. Normally it was only two, maybe three. Never all of them. He didn’t want to deal with people.

“How are you feeling?” Steve asked Loki, as usual the first to start.

“No different than usual,” Loki replied as he grabbed a glass.

“How’s your arm?” Bruce questioned.

“Good. The device worked, I suppose. There’s been no difference.” Loki shrugged.

“Be careful with it. Don’t stab it again. It’s connected to your head, we can’t risk doing something to it.” Bruce frowned, only for Loki to nod in reply.

Loki filled the glass with water, praying that there wouldn’t be another conversation. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to have to explain it. He just wanted it to be over.

“I think it might be worth going to therapy, Loki,” Steve said softly. “Getting some help might do you some good.”

“I’m fine,” Loki replied sharply. 

“You’re not.” Steve frowned. “Loki, you’re hurting yourself. I think that that’s the opposite of ‘fine’.” 

Loki turned to glare at Steve. “I don’t need help. I’m dealing with this in my own way, at my own pace.”

“There’s nothing wrong with going to therapy.” Steve stated.

“I know, though it will be a waste of time.” Loki sighed. “I’ll be fine. I simply need time.”

“Time won’t fix anything,” Bucky said softly.

“I know.” Loki frowned.

At that point, nothing seemed to be able to fix it.

He was broken, with no way of getting fixed.

—————————————

Races. Food fights. Picnics. Movies.

That’s what he thought of when he walked in. The weekend they spent in the house was still, in his mind, one of the greatest times of his life. Sure, he ruined it, but before then... it was good.

Nothing had changed. It was exactly how they left it. Immaculate. Even in the state they were in when they left, Loki wouldn’t leave it in such a state. Not like the bedroom in the tower.

He needed time. They all knew that. So he thought that being alone would help. Being somewhere he felt so strongly about... he needed it. Of course, there were conditions. He was still working on the reactor, En would check in at least twice a week, and he had to stay clean. Easier said than done, he thought.

He had to think. He had to figure out a plan. He had no plan, no aims, nowhere to go. He couldn’t go to Asgard. Not after his outburst. Jotunheim... was an option. He kept that in mind. Sakaar was good, but En wouldn’t let him anywhere near it. Not when he was trying to stay sober. 

He had nowhere.

He wanted to see Tony and Frigga again. He wanted that more than anything. He could’ve saved them both, if only he knew that they were there. Odin was right.

It should’ve been him.

He should’ve been better.

He should’ve been more like Thor.

He would never live up to expectations. Not in the realms. They all loved Thor. Why wouldn’t they? He was their future king. What was Loki? A Jotun? He didn’t want to know what was being said about him. Now that the truth was out... their hatred would grow. Laufey had made many enemies when he was alive, and now they were Loki’s, even if he didn’t know them. It was hopeless.

No matter what happened, he would be hated. He would be lost. He would be hopeless. A lost cause. Doomed to follow in Laufey’s footsteps. He couldn’t do that. He had to stop that from happening. Would that finally show that he was good? That he was a good person? Or would it show that he was weak? 

A shard of ice formed from his hand, jagged and shaky. Even his seidr seemed to protest, he thought. He took a deep breath before he held it to his chest, feeling the icy burn of the icicle threaten to pierce the skin.

How easy would it be to just do it? To stop thinking and just do it? He was always told he could be impulsive when it came to his own safety. How fitting would it be if that was the end of him? His own selfless recklessness. 

Poetic.

What else could he do? What else was there for him to do? Sit around while everyone moves on. While everyone forgets about those lost in the endless battle for peace. There would never be peace, so why even attempt to fight for it?

All hope was lost. Well, for him, anyway. Was there ever going to be another way to get it back? What would happen if it was lost forever? Would he just become a bitter leader, ready to battle anyone who seemed to hope? 

Would he fight any chance of getting better away?

That’s what he always did, he realised. He would never let himself be happy in fear of being hurt. The one time he did... the one time he let himself be happy... it was all ripped away from him. 

Before he knew it, bile was threatening to escape. Oh, how he was tired of that. He dropped the ice and ran to the bathroom, throwing up the apple he’d previously eaten not so long ago. He was done. He couldn’t live like that anymore. He couldn’t carry on like that.

He leant his head against the seat, panting for breaths that wouldn’t come easily. Something felt weird. He didn’t know what it was. Something was off. The back pain, the stomach pains, the constant nausea... was he dying? Was it bad that he hoped he was?

“Jarvis?” Loki asked, his voice hoarse from the acidic contents that scratched at it.

“Yes, sir?” Jarvis asked in reply.

“Can you run a scan on me, please? To see what’s wrong?” Loki questioned.

It was silent for a few seconds. Loki’s heart raced faster and faster, his mind racing with possibilities. He knew that there was something wrong. He knew his body and it was different. Different how, he didn’t know, but there was something.

His body didn’t feel like his own.

“Scan complete,” Jarvis said after a while, to which Loki only hummed in reply. Well, more like groan. “The scan suggests that you’re eight weeks pregnant, sir.”

Fuck.

He felt his body go cold as his heart stopped, his body tensing at the shock of the revelation. He was pregnant? That... that made sense. But how? Surely it wasn’t possible? 

Bittersweet, he thought. To be there to learn the news. It had to have been the weekend they spent there. That was the only time they’d done it since Loki came back from Thanos. The dates lined up.

And he had no Tony.

Could he really parent a child on his own? Absolutely not. He couldn’t. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go through with it. He couldn’t be a parent, especially on his own. What would Tony say if he were there? He didn’t want a child either. He said he wasn’t ready. 

Neither was Loki.

He wasn’t ready for a child. 

But what if he was? It was Tony’s. Surely that meant something. The last living reminder he would have of Tony. Would it be fair to the child? He didn’t know. He didn’t even have Frigga to go to. He couldn’t ask for advice. He couldn’t do anything.

But what if it was a sign? That he could do something? That he did have a plan? Albeit not one he ever had in mind, but it was something. He could be a parent, he could teach them everything he knew, everything he could find that Tony knew... he could do something that would make even Tony proud.

He could help create his legacy.

He had to do it.

He had to go through with it. For Tony, at least. And if he was watching... at least he could see his child grow up. He could at least be a part of it.

Could Loki even tell anyone? Not really. He didn’t want anyone finding out. Maybe En. What about Thor? He couldn’t do it on his own. He’d need help. En would be good, he thought. And Thor... Thor would be their uncle. As well as Bruce. 

Maybe he could tell them. At least he’d have plenty of babysitters. He could do it. He definitely could. Since when had anything defeated him? 

He could do it.

He had to.

And maybe that was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter briefing-  
> Loki’s grieving, and takes it out on himself. He’s experiencing physical side effects, such as cramps, mood swings and nausea. The Avengers and En try to show Loki that they care but Loki moves into the Malibu Mansion. Loki was about to unalive himself when he felt nauseous and asked Jarvis to do a scan, and turns out he’s eight weeks pregnant with Tony’s kid. He decides to keep it but keep the pregnancy a secret.


	36. 36. I’ll Be Around For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone reading this!! This is one of the last chapters, so not long to go now! At the end there’ll be a ‘teaser’ of what I’m currently writing, let me know if you’d like to see it published here once this is done! Thank you for reading and enjoy!

Twelve weeks. 

Loki had been asking Jarvis to update him on human pregnancies, just so he could figure out what to expect. He didn’t know too much about Jotun pregnancies, but he was hoping to figure it out along the way.

He’d stopped throwing up so much and he could eat a bit more, which he was grateful for. Knowing what was causing it made it easier to deal with, he thought. He could just power through it, knowing that it would be worthwhile in the end.

He kept working. Steve even asked if he wanted to join the Avengers. He would have, if the timing was different. No. Maybe after. He couldn’t do anything to risk the child’s life. 

He’d taken to talking to them. Why not? It made him feel less alone. Sure, he was barely showing, not even he would suspect that he was pregnant by just looking at himself, but it made him feel better. They were in it together, after all.

More tributes had gone out for the ‘late Iron Man’. Loki hated seeing them. Sentiment. It was nice, but it was a reminder. Even if he had a plan, nothing would be the same again. He’d lost everything, but maybe he could get something. Maybe that was all he needed.

He’d found the incentive to stay sober. As tempting as it was to use, as much as he desperately wanted it, he didn’t want to risk the life growing inside of him. He wanted to keep them alive.

Just like he couldn’t keep Frigga and Tony alive.

It hadn’t gotten easier. No. He still spent nights screaming and crying, he still hadn’t slept much more than a couple hours every few days. He still wanted to give up, but he couldn’t. He had to stick it out, no matter how hard it was.

He couldn’t make an orphan of their child.

He still hadn’t told anyone. He was waiting for the right time. He still wasn’t sure if he wanted anyone to know. What would they say? Would they hate him? Would they want him to leave? He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t risk it.

Sixteen weeks.

It was easier. Definitely easier. The vomiting has stopped, thankfully. He didn’t think he could handle much more of it. The leg pain was unpleasant, but he definitely preferred that to throwing up. Anything was better than that.

He felt a bit more awake. He could actually focus in the meetings. As En and Bruce we’re doing the final calculations to get the reactor up and running, he could actually hear what they were saying. It was nice. 

Of course, he’d put illusions up. He didn’t want any suspicions sent his way. He wanted to tell them at his own pace, not be outed by the ever growing bump. He had to be the one to tell them. He just needed time.

“And you’re sure that this will work?” Stephen asked the two scientists.

“It should. It just needs a power source for it to work,” Bruce replied as he wrote down some notes. “Still thinking that that will be your combined magic?”

“Yeah, let’s get this done.” Stephen smiled.

Loki got up from the chair and walked to the desk, watching as Stephen worked his magic on the piece of metal. Once it was time for Loki, he gently held his hands out above the metal, channeling his seidr into it. The flow came much easier than expected, making him jump back as the green mist encased the metal.

“Loki?!” Stephen frowned as the mist lessened. “I thought you were taking this seriously?”

“I am!” Loki replied. “I don’t know what happened. It’s never done that before.”

If that was going to happen for the next five months, he was going to scream, he thought.

“Try again?” Bruce suggested. “Just start slow this time.”

Loki nodded and tried again, taking it much slower. En watched with furrowed brows, noticing that something was wrong. That wasn’t okay.

Once it was done, Loki took a small step back. The gold and green energy lit up the reactor, it showing no signs of dimming.

They’d done it.

Celebratory drinks were offered, but Loki refused. He didn’t want to risk drinking. Stephen and Bruce went up to the bar, but En waited with Loki. They had stuff to talk about.

“What was that about?” En asked.

Loki turned to him. “I’m unsure. It just... happened.”

“You can normally control it.” En hummed.

“I’ve not used it in a while. I’m rusty. Combine that with emotions and the seidr is unpredictable at the best of times.” Loki explained.

En just nodded and went to leave before something caught his eye.

Blood.

He looked at Loki with wide eyes before he got some tissues, hurriedly handing them to the bleeding god.

“En, it’s merely a bloody nose. I can handle it,” Loki said as he held tissues to his nose.

“Loki, this isn’t funny. Your seidr’s off and now you’re bleeding? What’s going on?” En asked.

Loki could see that En was worried. That was all. He was worried about his friend, and Loki couldn’t blame him. He took one last look at En before he made up his mind.

He had to tell him.

“I’m pregnant,” Loki said quietly.

En’s eyes widened. “Oh shit.” Was all he could say. “You’re keeping it?” A short nod. “Then I’m here every step of the way. If you need anything, let me know. If you need someone down the house, then I’ll be there in seconds. You don’t have to do this alone, Lo-Lo. I’m here.”

Loki encased En in a hug, trying to fight back tears. He knew that he could trust En, no matter what. He knew that he would always have a friend.

It felt so good to finally tell someone.

Twenty weeks.

“Lo-Lo, you can’t hide this forever. You, Uh, you can barely walk.”

Loki rolled his eyes as she licked the spoon, savouring the taste of the cake batter En had made. Since En found out, he’d been down a lot more, he’d been helping out and making lots of sweets and cakes.

Loki definitely wasn’t complaining.

En had been there throughout it all. Throughout the laughter, the crying, the screaming, the smiles... he’d been there. And even though En knew that things still weren’t okay, he could see something he hadn’t seen in Loki since Tony died.

He saw hope.

“The reactor is almost finished. I’m not needed there now. I believe I can hide it a little longer. Besides, it’s not like they would notice,” Loki replied.

She was showing considerably by that point. It was fairly obvious that she was pregnant, at least to those who looked. She still couldn’t believe it. It still felt like a weird dream. 

“They’re still waiting on you to join the Avengers.” En reminded her.

“I told Steve that it’s not the best time, that I’d rather wait until I’m stable enough to do so.” Loki shrugged.

It wasn’t a lie. She would consider it, but she couldn’t. She would help in any way that she could though. As long as she didn’t put the child in danger. That was her priority.

“Thor’s wondering what you’re hiding,” En said.

“He wouldn’t figure it out. It’s fine. I’ll tell him when I’m ready,” Loki replied.

“You’re half way through. You don’t have much time left to tell him.” En chuckled.

“So perhaps I needn’t.” Loki smiled.

And maybe that would be okay.

Twenty four weeks.

“What if I can’t do this? What if I end up harming the child? What if I’m not ready to be a parent? What if they learn the truth? What if-“

“Brother?”

Both Loki and En froze. 

Loki had forgotten he’d given Thor a key to the house. He’d forgotten that he’d told Thor to let himself in if there was no answer.

He’d forgotten to stay alert.

“Thor, hello.” Loki smiled politely.

Thor was in shock. He wasn’t stupid. Between the fairly obvious bump and what Loki was saying, it wasn’t hard to put two and two together.

“You’re with child?” Thor asked, his eyes wide. Loki could only nod in reply. “How long?”

“Six months,” Loki replied quietly.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Did Loki not trust him? En knew. Of course En knew. But why didn’t Loki tell him? They were siblings. They used to tell each other everything. What changed?

They grew up.

“I was... I was scared, Thor.” Loki finally admitted, taking Thor by surprise. Hormones. It had to be. Loki wouldn’t admit it otherwise. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. I want to make them proud but-“

He was cut off by being pulled into a gentle hug. He immediately wrapped his arms around his brother, tears falling freely down his face. He didn’t know what he was doing, and he needed help.

En quickly left the room, leaving the two siblings to have a moment. Plus, he’d made a lot of cake. He needed to get rid of it, and he was taking the opportunity of Thor being there to get someone to eat it.

“You’re making them proud, Loki. I promise,” Thor whispered. “As long as you’re okay and you’re pleased with what you’re doing, then you’re doing the right thing. I will always be here to support you.”

“Thank you,” Loki whispered in reply as he attempted to calm himself down.

Maybe everything would be okay.

Maybe he was doing the right thing.

And that was okay.

“Who wants cake?” En asked, holding the three plates with a grin.

Things were definitely okay.

Twenty eight weeks.

Everyone knew. He thought it would be best to finally tell them. They were happy, of course. Lots of celebrating. Not one mention of Tony though.

No one had mentioned him. It was as if he never existed. He didn’t know if it was because they were scared to mention him around Loki or if they didn’t anyway, but he didn’t like it. He didn’t want to forget. Why would he want to? He loved Tony. He still did. He didn’t want to forget that.

He wanted him to be there. He wanted to be able to watch Disney films all through the night. He wanted to be able to decorate the nursery with him. He wanted to cook with him, to go shopping with him, to learn about pregnancy with him.

He wanted to share the feelings with him.

Lettuce.

Apparently the foetus was the size of a lettuce. Of course En was excited, but not the way a parent would be. Not the way Tony would be. He was grateful that En was there, that wasn’t the point, the point was he needed Tony by his side. He needed to go through it with Tony. Otherwise it just didn’t feel right.

He wanted to tell Frigga. He wanted to be able to talk to her about it. To get some first hand advice. To be able to get excited over teaching them magic or showing them the realms. He wanted the child to have grandparents, but that wouldn’t happen. He wanted the child to have a father, but that wouldn’t happen. But they’d have a family. That wasn’t up for debate. What was left of the Avengers, Bucky and En were all there, they were all ready to help.

That wasn’t perfect, but it was everything they needed.

They needed a family that cared for them, and with or without Tony, they’d have that.

That was guaranteed.

Thirty two weeks.

“You’re like a penguin.”

Loki glared at Bucky, who just laughed. Walking had gotten harder, which was apparently funny to most. It probably would’ve been funny to Loki if his back, legs, and feet didn’t hurt, and if he didn’t feel like he was just going to fall over all the time.

“One more word and I won’t hesitate to stab you.” Loki Warner, albeit falsely.

Bucky just smiled as he handed Loki an Oreo, making the god smile. He’d found he really liked oreos, much to his surprise. They didn’t look appealing, but they were enjoyable. 

Everyone else just learnt that he was easily bribed by them.

“Not long now,” Bucky said.

“Yes, two months,” Loki replied. “I can’t wait to not be in pain. It’s horrendous.”

Bucky smiled sadly. “Not enjoying it?”

“No, No, I am. It’s a lovely experience. It would be better if... no, it’s good. It’s nice.” Loki sighed and ate the Oreo, regretting even speaking.

“I wish he was here.” Bucky frowned.

“As do I,” Loki replied quietly. “Though he isn’t. It’s simply something we have to live with.”

Bucky nodded quietly. “It’s not any easier for you, is it?”

“No. It still hurts as much as it did at the beginning, though... now I have something to do. Perhaps that will ease the pain, even slightly. I have to learn to deal with it.” Loki shrugged.

“You know we’re here for you, right?” Bucky asked softly.

“I know. Thank you.”

Thirty six weeks.

“Is this okay?” 

Loki looked around the room, tears threatening to fall. Sure, they’d been working on the nursery for a while, but it was done. It was finally done.

“It’s perfect.” Loki smiled.

En smiled as he climbed down from the wardrobe. Steve put the paint brushes down as Bucky closed the pots of paint. Thor put the drills back and Bruce put the nails away.

“I’m glad you like it,” Steve replied. “It won’t be long until it’s being used.”

Four weeks.

“Say goodbye to sleep.” Bucky chuckled.

En had agreed to stay in the house rather than the tower, just to give Loki a hand for the first few months at least. He’d been asked to move back into the tower, but he didn’t want that. It was to busy. The house was much better.

“As if I get any anyway.” Loki joked fondly. “They’re already keeping me up, the little shit.”

“The monitors are set up, there’s a receiver in every room.” Bruce explained. 

“Thank you. That’s perfect.” Loki smiled. “Thank you all for everything. I truly appreciate it.

“It’s no problem. We’re always here for you, Loki.” Steve smiled.

And that was all he needed. 

Thirty eight weeks.

Everything was fine. Peaceful, even. En had started making brownies, which were now Loki’s favourite, other than oreos. Things were fine. The calm before the storm, perhaps.

That was, until they hit.

Loki’s breath stopped as he clutched onto the wall, the pain taking him by surprise. He’d never felt anything like it. He’d been aching all day, but that was different. It was new. 

“En!”

Footsteps got louder until they stopped right next to him. En almost laughed when he realised what was happening. He was going to be killed.

“Lo-Lo, I think you’re in labour,” En said with a sweet smile.

“Fuck.” Was all that Loki could reply with.

He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to be a parent. What if he dropped them? What if he was awful? What if he made all the same mistakes as Odin? What if he couldn’t do it? 

“Stay still, I’m going to teleport us to the tower,” En said as he wrapped his arms around Loki. 

Loki was done. He already hated it. He just wanted it to be over. He leant into En as they walked to Bruce’s lab, barely able to hold himself up. He was already exhausted, and he wanted out. 

He heard noises, not that he could figure out what they were. It all blurred together. He didn’t even realise that he was laying down. It was as if he was watching in delay, that things were happening but his mind was taking too long to comprehend it. 

Needles. He felt them in his arms. He whined and tried to move away but was stopped by arms. He felt dizzy. High, even. It felt nice. 

Until there was more pain.

He groaned at the discomfort, but he couldn’t find the energy to do anything about it. He just stayed still as he stared up at the ceiling. He knew the plan. Caesarean, apparently. That was what it was called when they were talking about options, anyway. They were going to hold off until forty weeks, but apparently the child had other plans.

At least he’d be able to walk properly again, he thought.

That was a massive positive.

Crying. There was crying. That was good, right? He tried pushing himself up, but was gently pushed back down. He kept trying to get up though, wanting to help the crying baby.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, willing his eyes to focus.

“Nothing‘s wrong, Loki, we’re just finishing up,” Bruce replied softly. 

Loki watched as a bundle of blankets was taken across the room by En, but he couldn’t see what was happening. Bruce stood up with a small smile before he went to go to the crying bundle of blankets. Loki presses the button on the bed’s remote to sit up, but winced as he moved.

Everything hurt.

“Well, Lo-Lo, you’ve got a healthy human-seeming boy.” En smiled as he passed the bundle of blankets over to the god.

Loki gently held the crying baby to his chest, the blankets warm on his skin. He gently rocked him as he quietly sung a lullaby Frigga used to sing him when he was younger, one that always calmed him down. Within seconds, the baby stopped crying and went to sleep. He smiled happily as tears streamed down his cheeks, in disbelief that he was there.

“Have you got a name yet?” Bruce asked. 

“Petre Anthony Frigg Stark. Peter, for when we’re on Midgard,” Loki replied.

Bruce smiled softly. “It’s a nice name.” 

“It is.” En agreed. 

Loki smiled softly and looked down at his sleeping son. He was still in disbelief. It all felt like a dream. He’d lost two of the most important people in his life, yet he’d gained a child. 

He just wished that they were there to see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here’s a little sneak peak!
> 
> Why was the street empty? It was never empty. Even in the middle of the night, the vampires and mages roamed the darkness. It was never empty. Not since he’d moved there. 
> 
> The bright lights almost blinded him as his hand tightened on something. A gun? Felt it. Judging by the light glaring from it, it probably was. He looked to his side, seeing En and Loki on one, Bucky on the other. Bucky’s eyes were golden, fangs bared as fire pooled around his hands. En’s were a blood red, pointy ears and fangs completing the look. Loki’s eyes were a violet, green mist swirling around his hands. 
> 
> They looked inhuman. They looked like everything he feared. He went to take a step away, but found he couldn’t move. He had no control over himself. He looked down, seeing a puddle, someone he didn’t know staring back at him. Sure, it looked like him, but… the eyes… pure white… that wasn’t him. It couldn’t be him. 
> 
> He tried moving, tried screaming, anything that would get him out, but it was as if he was a passenger in his own body. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t make a sound. He barely had any control over his own sight. A shadow came into view, blocking the light that the sun gave. A body dropping next to him was all he saw before it all went to black. 
> 
> Only to be met with white eyes in the mirror.


	37. 37. Truth Is Now Acceptable

One year.

It didn’t feel like a year, albeit he’d been distracted. He still remembered the day as if it was yesterday. The laughs. The smiles. The family. The chaos. The anarchy. The death.

It didn’t get easier. Bruce told him that it should get easier with time, but it didn’t. It was still just as bad as it was then. He wanted it all to be over. 

There was a memorial being held on Asgard for Frigga. Loki couldn’t go. Not after last time. Besides, what would he do with Peter? He couldn’t risk taking him to Asgard. He didn’t trust Odin enough. Thor had tried to get him to go, but Loki wouldn’t change his mind. It was too dangerous.

The match hissed as it scrapped along the sandpaper, the light providing a slight glow to the room consumed by darkness. Loki held the match to the wick of the first candle, the blue flame complimenting the golden candle in such a familiar way that it was comforting. The flame started to flicker and dance, focusing on the left. 

Loki closed his eyes in order to keep tears at bay, his hand shaking as it gripped the shortening match. He felt a cold air sweep over him, causing his chest to tighten. He opened his eyes to see the candle’s flame slowing down.

He sniffled quietly as he lit the second candle, one deep red in colour. It took half a minute before the candle would light, and when it did the yellow flame flickered ad danced, though went out within seconds. He felt his heart in his throat as he tried again, it not taking so long though the yellow flame was small and still. 

He put the match out and set it to the side, his hands shaking throughout the process. He rested his head in his hands, tears slipping through his eyes. He just wanted to see them again. He wanted to talk to them. He wanted to apologise. He wanted to get them back.

“I’m sorry,” he found himself whispering. 

He didn’t get an answer. He wasn’t expecting one. As he lifted his head, he saw that the flame of the golden candle was yellow, still and small, almost identical to the red candle flame. He wiped his eyes in order to get rid of the tears, though ignored the fresh batch of tears that threatened to fall.

Why couldn’t they be alive? Why couldn’t it have been him? He just wanted to make everything better. Everything fine. Would anything ever be fine again? Sure, he had a distraction from the pain, but the feelings never left. He still ached for them every minute of the day as his mind clouded with ‘what ifs’.

What if they were there? What difference would it make? Peter would have a father and a grandmother. Peter would have more of a family. En had been a great help. He’d spent as much time as he could with Loki and Peter, and he helped out as much as he could, as did the rest of the Avengers. Loki appreciated it. He really did. But it wasn’t the same. He just wanted to give Peter the chance of a normal life.

The sound of a cry brought him out of his thoughts. He wiped away the remainder of tears before he snuffed the candles out. He couldn’t help but stare at the two candles for a few seconds before another cry brought him back to reality.

At least he was used to no sleep.

—————————————————

“Have you got his bottle?”

“Yes, I, uh, I put it in the bag.”

“Nappies?”

“In the bag.”

“Dummy?”

“Bag.”

“Blankets?”

“It’s all in the bag.”

“Wing?”

“Lo-Lo, everything’s in the bag. Don’t worry.”

En had finally convinced Loki to have a night off. Every day for a year, Loki had been looking after Peter, and as good as that was, En knew that Loki needed a break. So they were going out for the night.

“What if we’ve forgotten something?” Loki asked.

It wasn’t going to be an easy night, En knew. Especially if this was happening and they hadn’t even left anything.

“We haven’t, Lo-Lo. It’s fine. Peter will be fine with the Avengers,” En replied.

Loki nodded, but it was clear he wasn’t convinced. En picked the bag up before he turned to Loki. The god was gently bouncing Peter in his arms, being as gentle as always.

En smiled sadly as he walked over to him. He felt awful. He knew that the passed year hadn’t been easy, not for anyone, but he hadn’t done as much as he could to help. For the Avengers and Stark Industries? Sure, he’d been working with them a lot, either to help take down threats or making things that the company needed, but for Loki? He didn’t know how to help. It was awful, he thought. He wanted to help but he didn’t know how. He felt helpless. Even though he knew that Loki hadn’t relapsed or attempted to take his own life, he was still worried. How couldn’t he be? But he knew something.

He wouldn’t let Peter go through the same as he did.   
Loki teleported all three of them to the Avengers tower. He was hesitant about the idea. En couldn’t blame him. In the passed year of Peter’s life, Loki hadn’t let him out of his sight. Of course having a night without his son would be weird.

Thor practically jumped up when he saw them, a bright smile on his face. En was surprised at how good Thor was with kids. Every time he saw Peter, he practically dotted over him. There were no exceptions.

“Loki, En!” Thor grinned as he walked over to them. “How are you? How is Peter?”

“Sh, you oaf, he’s asleep,” Loki replied quietly as he looked up at Thor. “We’re well, and yourself?”

Thor nodded with a smile. “I’m alright. Though Odin is causing no end of trouble.”

Loki cocked a brow. “Is that a surprise? What trouble is he causing?”

“He doesn’t want Bruce and I to wed.” Thor frowned.

Loki frowned before he thought of something. “I could provide a distraction. Then you marrying a human wouldn’t seem so bad.”

Thor shook his head. “No. Odin already hates you enough as it is, we can’t risk anything happening to you.”

Loki looked at Thor with furrowed brows. It was the first time that the older had ever acknowledged the hatred Odin held for Loki. Though it was obvious, Thor was always blind to it. Odin was able to manipulate him to be blind to it. It hurt. It hurt Loki more than anything, but knowing that his brother had his back made it easier.

“Then I can go a more discreet route. I’ll go to the council. Besides, they may want evidence to what I said at the funeral. It would benefit me to go too.” Loki shrugged.

Thor looked at his sibling, his brows furrowed in worry. “I don’t want you or Peter getting hurt for this.”

“We won’t. I wouldn’t risk putting Peter in harms way, you know that,” Loki replied. “I’ll go to Asgard tomorrow before we pick him up. I’ll see what I can do.”

Thor smiled sadly before he gently pat Loki’s back. He would have hugged him, but knew not to push it. Loki was being sentimental enough. He didn’t want to ruin the moment.

“Thank you.” Thor smiled. “Though you two should go. Peter will be perfectly fine here.”

That didn’t calm Loki’s nerves. “His bottle and the formula are in the bag, ensure that it isn’t too warm when he drinks it, don’t leave him unsupervised, he likes Wing and can’t sleep without him and he helps Peter calm down, he’s the stuffed bat toy in the bag, he doesn’t like the dark, he doesn’t like loud noises and he doesn’t like being woken up. Phone me if anything happens.”

Thor was taken aback by Loki’s instructions. He didn’t know why but he wasn’t expecting that much. He’d never seen Loki care so much before. It was unusual. Then again, it made complete sense. Of course Loki would care so much about his son. It was only natural.

“Loki, you have my word that I will let no harm come to Peter. None of us will.” Thor smiled softly. “Now go enjoy your night. You deserve it.”

Loki sighed as he looked down at Peter, who was fast asleep. He looked almost angelic, Loki thought. He was a year older and Loki could see more of Tony in him as he grew. His wide hazel eyes and his dark brown hair were both from Tony, Loki knew. It was almost unnerving. He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of his head before he gently passed the sleeping bundle of blankets over to Thor. It pained him to do so, but he knew they were all right. Loki needed some time to relax.

“Thank you,” Loki replied quietly as he watched Thor smile down at the baby. Loki hadn’t expected Thor to take so well to such a young child, but he showed great understanding. Loki was sure that he’d be a great father when the day cane. “I’ll be back at midday to collect him.”

“There’s no rush, you needn’t worry.” Thor smiled. “Now go, I fear if you waste any more time En will be dragging you out.”

En nodded in agreement, making Loki huff in defeat. He didn’t want to leave. He wanted to protect his child. He wanted to be there to make as many memories as possible with him. After all, they still didn’t know if he had an extended life span or not. So far, he appeared human. Loki was scared that he’d lose Peter soon.

“Remember to phone me if anyth-” Loki couldn’t finish his sentence as En teleported them outside of the tower. “You dick.”

“Mhm. You’d said that before, Lo-Lo. Thor knows what he’s doing, and, Uh, and he’s got the rest of them to help. Peter’s safe.” En smiled softly. “I would have said something otherwise.”

Loki nodded and started to follow En as he walked down the road. En had suggested a night on the beach so that Loki could relax. Of course the god protested, but En had threatened to take away one of the hoodies left in Tony’s wardrobe, so Loki swiftly agreed to go. Cruel, but it was for the best, En thought.

Loki kept looking around, watching for potential threats. Sure, his name had been cleared, but people still hated him. He’d been accused of controlling the Avengers to release a statement to clear his name. That wasn’t the case, of course, but no one listened. Not even Shield. He’d refused to see them, and no matter how hard they tried, the Avengers defended Loki and they wouldn’t let Shield know where he was. It was nice. He appreciated it. He just wanted to live a semi normal life. He wanted to give Peter a normal life. Well, as normal as he could have. He was a Stark, after all.

Loki wasn’t sure when he’d announce Peter’s existence to the realm. He’d been over all of the logistics with Pepper, and they were trying to come up with a plan. Pepper was nice after a while, Loki noticed. He understood her reservations, but when she finally relaxed, he actually liked her. He could see why Tony liked her, too. So far, their plan was to have En and Bruce tutor Peter as he got older, and then once he turned twenty one, he would take over the company, so long as he wanted to. He didn’t want Peter to be forced into anything. So for the purpose of Earth, Peter would go by Peter Stark. For the other eight realms, it would be Lokison. It would make it easier. In theory, anyway.

“Lo-Lo?” En asked, causing Loki to snap out of his thoughts. “Be careful on Asgard tomorrow. Odin’s still annoyed.”

“I’m not planning on talking to Odin.” Loki shrugged. “I’m going to the council. Once I’ve talked to them, perhaps then I’ll see Odin. I’m unsure.”

En looked at Loki, his brows furrowed. “Be careful.”  
“I know. I won’t risk anything. I can’t.” Loki frowned.

“Having a kid did you good. You’re not as self destructive. It’s nice.” En smiled.

Loki rolled his eyes. “You’re insufferable.”

“But you love it.” En smirked.

Loki shook his head with a small smile, one that he couldn’t quite hide.

—————-—

“What you’re accusing is preposterous,” the councilman from Niflheim said. “You’ve no evidence to back this up.”

Loki rolled his eyes. “Are my scars not enough evidence? What of The guards who were sentenced to the dungeons, only to be released once Frigga died? What of my memories? What of a witness? There’s plenty of evidence if you choose to acknowledge it.”

“Loki, it’s a shame that this has happened, but what does it have to do with Odin remaining as king?” A woman asked as she stood up, her figure looming over the man previous to speak.

“He’s creating a divide in the realms. He won’t allow Thor to marry someone from Midgard, and he’s creating a divide with Jotunheim. Sakaar is about to end the truce, as is Knowhere. Odin’s actions are causing drifts in alliances, and it will only get worse.” Loki frowned as he crossed his arms. “I’m not asking for him to be removed from the throne. Only for you to overpower a decision. Perhaps if you do, word won’t spread further of Odin’s actions.”

Loki watched as the woman stared at him, her eyes stone, no hint of what he was thinking. He didn’t know if that was good or not. The man who had previously spoken simply glared, though Loki ignored that. He wasn’t going to waste his time on someone who acted out of anger.

“What decision?” The woman eventually asked.

“Allow Thor to marry his fiancé,” Loki replied. “It would provide unity with Midgard and their forces. If another threat was to come along, we’d have allies.”

The woman frowned as she thought over what Loki said. “Your Highness, I appreciate the thought, though what of an heir?”

Was it the right time? Would it work? Was it worth it? “The line of succession would be Thor, and then an heir, correct?” The woman nodded in reply. “And if he doesn’t have children, so long as the heir has claim to the throne through family, then they can take the throne? Such as a nephew?” The woman nodded again. “Thor has a nephew. Just over a year old. If Thor fails to produce a direct heir, then his nephew can carry the title.”

“The heir has to be of Aesir descent.” The man frowned.

“Yet I’m still a legitimate heir to the throne.” Loki scoffed. “That argument is invalid.”

“Who is this heir? How is he of relation to Thor?” The woman asked.

Did Loki want to do this? Even if it worked, the realms would know that Peter existed. Loki wanted to give him a normal life. As normal as he could have. Throwing the expectations of the realms into it… was it worth it?

“My son. Thor’s nephew.”

The man shook his head. “If he’s your son then he’s an heir to Jotunheim.”

“As am I. This is contradictory.” Loki sighed. “I know that it isn’t ideal, though it’s an option. I’m certain that they will get an heir themselves, that Thor will have a legitimate heir, though this is a backup. Just in case.”

“No. Our deal is they can marry so long as they get an heir. If they fail to do so within two years of marriage, they must separate.” The woman eventually relented.

“Then that’s perfect. Have a good day.” Loki smiled politely before he walked out.

That went much better than expected, he thought. He wasn’t expecting to come out of that alive. He couldn’t help but worry about what Odin would say when he found out what Loki had done. When he found out that Loki had a child. No, Loki would do anything and everything in his power to keep Peter safe. Even if it killed him.

He travelled wordlessly to the Bifrost, his heart thumping when he saw the familiar rainbow bridge. It was awful, he thought. The memories that cling to the bridge would haunt him forever more. Fighting Thor. Falling from it. Wishing to jump from it time and time again. Helping carry Tony’s body across it to take him back to Midgard. The memories would never leave, much to his dismay.

Heimdall simply nodded in acknowledgement to the prince who walked in. Loki forced a polite smile, in no mood to make small talk. He needed to get off of Asgard before Odin noticed that he was there. Through the Bifrost he travelled, his heart quickening the closer he got to the end. The grass below him provided a sense of grounding, that he was fine. He was safe for the time being.

Loki walked into the tower, having landed on the designated Bifrost area. He rushed up to the communal space of the tower, his panic easing when he made it. Bucky was holding a giggling Peter as he reached for the plastic keys being jangled above him. Thor was watching with a grin, doting over his nephew.

“Loki!” Thor grinned when he saw his sibling. “How was your night?”

“Relaxing,” Loki replied. “Though unnerving. Unusual, even. I’ve grown used to the schedule. How was he?”

“As perfect as ever.” Thor smiled.

Loki nodded, his smile only growing when Peter noticed him and started to reach for him. Bucky got up and gently handed the excited child over, Loki thanking him quietly as he took Peter. He gently bounced him as he looked at Thor.

“I spoke to the council,” he said.

Thor’s eyes widened. “What happened?”

“You and Bruce can marry so long as you provide an heir within two years of that,” Loki replied.

Thor smiled softly. “Thank you, Loki. I appreciate it. Do they know of Peter?”

Loki nodded. “I had to mention him in order for them to give in. I have no doubt that Odin knows.”

Thor gently hugged his sibling, being mindful of Peter. “Thank you,” he said before he rushed off to tell Bruce the good news.

Bucky smiled softly. “You two seem to be getting better.”

Loki nodded slowly. “Yes, we’re working on it, I suppose. It’s what Frigga wanted.” He shrugged.

“But you wanted that too, eh?” Bucky chuckled. “You can’t hide behind excuses, Loki. You can admit that you care.”

“Fine. I care about Thor. Are you happy now?” Loki tried to contain his smile, but it still showed.

“Mhm. Now you look like you could do with some coffee, and so do I, so let’s go!” Bucky grinned.

Loki smiled as he followed his friend out to the lift. It was all going better than he expected.

Maybe it was just the quiet before the storm.


	38. 38. Swear I’m Gonna Make You Proud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shit it’s Wednesday I’m v sorry but happy February!!

Dark. It was dark. Why was it dark? Had it always been dark? No. He remembered light at some point. People. Lots of people. Candles. So many candles. Was that a dream? No. It couldn’t have been. It was all too real. It burnt. It was definitely real. The voices were real. He hoped so, anyway. He didn’t want to be alone. 

Confined. No room. He reached his arms up, but could barely move them an inch. He was trapped. How? Why? What happened?

Oh.

That made sense. The memories came back to him as he felt his heart speed up. That wasn’t good. Judging by the density he had three hours of air left. Plenty of time, in theory. Chances are it would only last eighteen minutes, but he had to be optimistic. He couldn’t panic. That would take his time down to eight minutes at best. 

He felt around, feeling two possible weak points. One would be strong, the other could give enough leeway to open. The left would be the best place to start, he thought. He used all of the strength he could muster to push up, feeling his joints stiff and almost heavy. Was that normal? He didn’t know.

After a few shoves the lid ripped open, Tony too shocked to prepare himself for the dirt that came flooding in. He pushed against the soil to stand, spluttering out whatever had managed to get into his mouth.

One hell of a way to wake up, he thought.

As he pulled himself up to the ground, he remembered his will. He was close to Spring Creek, so long as Pepper did everything that they’d planned, which he knew she would have. He trusted her. That meant he was ten minutes away from the tower. Perfect! He could get home fast.

What if something happened?

What if they all died that day? What if the Avengers were no more? What if they didn’t want to see him again? What if Loki wasn’t there?

Loki...

He had to get home. He had to figure out what had changed. How long had it even been? Things didn’t look too different. He could even see the tower in the distance, the big A being visible even from there. Things had to be okay.

They had to be.

———————————————

“Peter, stop climbing the wall!”

Loki was about to tear his hair out. How could he child-proof the walls? Why was everything so hard? He thought that the worst years were over, but clearly he was wrong. Clearly a toddler was much easier.

“But Aren-” Peter whined from the ceiling.

“No, Solskinn, come down. You could get hurt,” Loki replied softly.

Peter grumbled as he climbed down the wall, winging about how ‘unfair it was that he wasn’t allowed to use his powers’. Loki cocked a brow as he watched his son, a small smile on his face that he was unable to hide.

“How can I be a hero if I can’t practice?” Peter asked, his brows furrowed.

“A hero?” Loki questioned as he crouched down by Peter’s side.

“Like dad,” Peter replied. Loki’s eyes widened, not expecting that answer. “We’re learning about him in school.”

Loki gently rubbed his sons back, his mind racing over what the best thing to do was. He’d never hidden it. He had never kept it a secret from Peter, but he did ask for Peter to keep it quiet. He didn’t want Peter to be shoved into the limelight so early.

“What have you learnt?” Loki asked softly.

Peter shrugged. “Iron Man. How he used his smartness to save people. They said he died in a fight off of Midgard. Is that true?”

Loki nodded with a sad smile. “He gave his life to save the universe while fighting on Asgard. He truly was an incredible man.”

“I want to meet him.” Peter frowned. “Why did he die?” 

Loki gently pulled Peter into a hug, feeling tears prick in his eyes. “He wanted to make the universe safe. He wanted to make sure that... that the realm was safer. He... he...”

Loki clenched his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears from falling. He never let himself cry in front of Peter. He didn’t want to worry his son, but he always made it known that Peter could feel however he wanted and would always be supported. He didn’t want Peter to feel that his feelings weren’t valid.

“It’s okay, Aren, it’s okay to be upset. Don’t ignore those feelings.” Peter recited what Loki always told him when he cried.

Loki choked out a sob as he heard those words, silently cursing himself as it did. He sniffled as he wiped away the fallen tears, his heart full at how precious his son was. He felt proud.

“You’re such an incredible person, Peter.” Loki smiled as he gently pulled away. “You’re so much like your father.”

Peter smiled lopsidedly, taking the compliment in his pride. “Cake?”

Loki chuckled softly. “You’re spending too much time with Uncle En.” En was always offering cake when someone seemed sad. It was a weird trait he’d picked up after dealing with a hormonal Loki. “Cake after dinner. How does a picnic out on the balcony sound?”

“Fun!” Peter grinned. “Can you tell me a story about father?”

“Of course, Solskinn.” Loki smiled. “I have a good story about how he saved the realm from chaos and destruction. He unknowingly saved the universe for the first time.”

Peter smiled softly. “I want to be like father.”

“Solskinn, you’re already like him.” Loki smiled. “You have the potential to be so much better than him.”

Loki got up before ruffling Peter’s hair, making the younger whine in frustration, having to fix his hair. Loki chuckled softly, remembering the amount of times Tony did that. Peter was like a mini Tony, and it was incredible.

“Now let’s go make food.” Loki smiled, earning a cheer from Peter.

Things were definitely better than he’d ever expected, and that was all he could’ve asked for.

————————————————

“Will you marry me?”

“And be stuck with you for the rest of my life? Fuck off.” Bucky scoffed. He chuckled softly before he shook his head. “No, I would. But I don’t need a piece of paper to prove my love for you. I love you, and that’s that.”

Steve smiled softly as he wrapped his arm around Bucky, his heart melting when he felt his soulmate lean into him. He couldn’t believe it, that Bucky was really there. That he was still alive. The sight of Bucky falling from the train haunted him, he doubted it would ever stop, especially knowing that he could’ve saved him, but what mattered was that they were together.

“Maybe one day.” Steve hummed.

“Mhm.” Bucky nodded. “What about kids?”

Steve bit his lip. “It’s too dangerous. I would love some, but... they could get hurt.”

“So we’re going to live our lives in fear?” Bucky asked as he cocked a brow.

“Buck, it’s not like that-”

“It is. Just because you’re Captain America and I’m whatever the fuck I am, it doesn’t mean we can’t live our lives. Look at... look at Erik, Clint, Xavier, Loki, they all have kids and they were heroes. They are heroes. Well... they’re involved. Were. That’s not my point. The point is that they were and are badass parents and they were and are active in fighting bad guys. It can be done.”

Steve shook his head. “It’s too risky.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. He didn’t want kids, but in the future? Definitely. He wanted a family. He always had. He knew that Steve did too, once he got over his fear. They used to talk about it, back then. Back when they didn’t think that they’d have a future, much less together. It was tough, but times had changed. They had changed.

“Fine. Maybe we’ll just have to babysit Peter more.” Bucky shrugged.

“He’s a little shit.” Steve chuckled.

Bucky rolled his eyes. “He’s a mini Tony and Loki. Of course he is.”

“And you want one of them running around us?” Steve asked.

“They’d be a mini you and me. I think they’d be a tiny bit easier to deal with. Well, if they’re more like me. If they’re more like you then I’m going to need a lot more patience and I’ll need to extend my Steve-Senses.” Bucky chuckled.

“Steve-senses?”

“Yeah, it’s how I know when you’re doing something stupid.” Bucky smirked, earning a small shove to his side. “Hey!”

“You’re horrible.” Steve chuckled.

“Oh fuck off,” Bucky replied. “You love me.”

“I do.” Steve smiled.

Steve gently pulled Bucky into a kiss. Bucky melted into it, instantly wrapping his arms around his lovers waist. Bucky still couldn’t quite believe that he was there. Sometimes it felt like it was just a cruel dream, that he was still in the hydro-cylinder and that Hydra were taking away his memories. Sometimes it felt as if it was all too good to be true, but what else could he do? He just had to go with it.

“Get a room!”

Bucky pulled away as he heard Bruce’s voice, a smirk on his face. “Like you two haven’t fucked on the sofa before.”

He sat down next to Steve, moving from his lap. Thor rolled his eyes as he sat down on the sofa opposite the lovers, Bruce sitting next to him. Thor wrapped an arm around his lover, earning a smile in reply. They were still trying to plan their wedding, but with Odin still unhappy about it it was ten times more stressful than what it needed to be. Thor loved his father dearly, but he was annoying.

“Yeah, but that was when everyone was out.” Bruce chuckled softly. “At least we’re had some decency.”

“As if any of you have any decency.” En smirked as he walked into the room.

Bucky smiled softly. “En! How was Sakaar?”

En shrugged. “Same as, Uh, as usual, I guess. How was everything here?”

En hadn’t really gone to Sakaar much since taking over the inventing part of Stark Industries. He looked at it as a holiday, just a weird one. He didn’t mind, he was happy to do it, but he did miss his home. Hence the six months he’d spent there. He missed everyone on earth, which surprised him. He wasn’t expecting to miss the Avengers.

“Good. Nothing really happened.” Steve shrugged. “Loki and Peter are coming down tomorrow.”

En smiled. “Good! That’s a bit of excitement planned.”

“Who’s looking after Sakaar?” Thor asked, his brows furrowed.

“Brunnhilde.” En shrugged. “She’s more than capable. I trust her.”

Thor turned to look at En. “That name sounds like one of Asgard.”

En smirked. “Funny that.”

Thor looked at En before he looked away, opting not to question it. He gently pressed a kiss to Bruce’s cheek before he took a sip of his drink. Bruce smiled and leant into Thor’s embrace, feeling all previous worries drift away. They’d be fine. He knew it.

“What time is it?” Bucky asked quietly, rubbing at his eyes with his non-metal hand.

Steve checked his watch. “Coming up to ten. How about we watch a movie?”

En smiled at the idea. “I’ll get the drinks and sweets.”

En quickly dashed to the kitchen to get everything, leaving the other four to choose the film. After much bickering, they finally settled on ‘The Lazarus Effect.’ Thor wasn’t sold on the idea, but he was assured that it wouldn’t be too scary.

That didn’t comfort him.

En came back in with their usual drinks; a beer for Steve, cider for Bruce, vodka coke for Bucky, Asgardian beer for Thor and a mimosa for himself. He sat down on an arm chair after distributing the drinks and the bags of sweets, curling up in a blanket.

The movie played, and the further they got the more Thor would look away from the screen, clutching his drink in order to steady his shaking hands. Considering he was a god who’d fought in many wars, he really couldn’t handle horror movies.

It was brilliant.

A ping from the elevator immediately brought them all out of the moment. Steve paused the movie as Thor sat up, ready to summon Mjolnir at any moment. They weren’t expecting anyone and Jarvis hadn’t announced any visitors. It was best to be ready for everything.

“Tony?”

Steve’s eyes widened as he saw the dead mechanic walk out of the lift, looking fairly alive. Thor opened his hand, seconds away from summoning his mighty hammer, but a shake of the head from En stopped him.

It was really Tony.

“Wow, thought you’d be more excited to see me.” Tony chuckled. “Is it really that surprising that I’m back?”

“How are you alive?” Bruce asked as he stood up, taking a small step towards his friend.

Tony shrugged. “Made a deal with Death. Just took a little longer to pull it off than I thought it would. But I’m back and I’m here to stay!”

“Jarvis, run some scans.” Bruce frowned as he took in Tony’s appearance.

He didn’t look any different. He looked alive. Exactly how he did before he died. It was unnerving. He didn’t know how to feel about Tony being back. What if something went wrong?

A hologram of the scan came up next to Tony, Bruce quickly scanning over it as it did so. Everything seemed normal, albeit him being cold. Bruce just assumed that that was a side effect.

“Everything okay, doc?” Tony asked with a raised brow.

“Shut up.” Bruce frowned. He rubbed his face with his hand, barely even aware of his tense shoulders. “Eight fucking years. It’s been eight years. You can’t come in here and just expect everything to be okay! You’re such a fucking asshole!” Tony looked at Bruce with wide eyes, staggering back when the doctor pulled him into a hug. He wrapped his arms around his friend, a small smile on his face. “I missed you.”

Tony smiled softly. “I missed you too, Brucey.” He gently pulled away. “Wait... it’s been eight years?”

“You didn’t know?” Steve asked.

“No. It... days didn’t really... happen.” Tony shrugged. He ran a hand through his hair, subconsciously pulling at it as he did. “It just feels like a dream.”

Steve gently pulled Tony into a hug. “It’s good to have you back.” 

“It’s good to be back, Cap. I’m back up and kicking, ready to piss everyone off as usual.” Tony grinned, earning a roll of the eyes from Steve.

“Nice to see death hasn’t changed you.” Steve chuckled. 

Tony pulled away just in time to be practically whacked on the back by Thor. “It’s good to see you alive and well, Anthony.”

“Yeah. Good to see you, Tony. It’s been weird without you.” Bucky smiled.

“Peaceful, you mean.” En chuckled. “I haven’t been here long, but, Uh, but it’s been a lot more peaceful than when you were around.” 

Tony rolled his eyes. “Nice to see you too, En.” 

En chuckled and gently pat Tony’s shoulder. “Mhm. Nice to see you alive. What was the deal with Lady Death?”

“Just collect some souls. Nothing too bad.” Tony shrugged. “Where’s Loki? Wait, where are Clint and Nat?”

Tony noticed that he hadn’t seen the three of them, there wasn’t even a sign of them. He remembered Clint and Natasha going down in the fight, but Loki was there. He remembered that. It was all blurry, but he remembered talking to Loki. What was said, he wasn’t sure, but things were definitely said. What if Loki died after that? What if Loki killed himself in the last eight years? Tony wanted to say that Loki wouldn’t do that, but he knew he would. That was always going to be a risk with Tony dying, he just hoped that En stayed true to his word. 

“Clint and Nat… they both died after the fight. Their injuries couldn’t be healed.” Steve frowned. “Thanos did quite a number on us.”

Tony’s eyes gazed around the room, unwilling to meet anyone’s eyes. He blinked frequently, trying to keep the tears at bay. He should’ve saved them. He saw them go down but he didn’t do anything. He should’ve stepped in. He should’ve tried to protect them. 

“I… Shit…” Tony bit his lip as he shook his head before he looked at the people in the room again. “And Loki?”

“Oh, he’s alive. He’s at your Miami house,” Bucky replied. “He moved out not long after your funeral.”

“How the fuck did you get out of your grave?” En asked, earning a lot of wide eyed looks from everyone in the room. “Sorry, uh, curious.”

“I read about how to survive being buried alive once. I guess it came in handy.” Tony shrugged. “Was it a good idea to let Loki move out?”

“No,” Bucky replied. “But we didn’t have much of a choice.”

“He hasn’t been too bad. After he moved he, uh, he definitely improved. No drugs, at least.” En sighed. 

“Why did he move?” Tony asked. “Wouldn’t it have been better for him to stay here?”

“He cut himself and stabbed a part of the metal work in his arm. We tried to support him but he left.” Bruce shrugged. “We’ve kept an eye on him, En practically moved in with him for the first few years.”

Tony felt his heart stop. He knew that Loki would struggle with his death, but he wanted to at least think that he’d look after himself. Knowing that Loki hurt himself after it… he knew that Loki used to do it. He remembered the scars. He was just hoping that they could avoid it. 

“As if it wasn’t obvious that he’d try to hurt himself in some way?” Tony asked, his brows furrowed. “En, I thought you’d know him enough to expect that!”

En glared at the resurrected hero. “I did. The only times he was alone after your death were the first night, during funerals and after your funeral. After that I didn’t let him out of my sight until I thought I could trust him. Then he did that. Then he moved out.”

“Did… did he go to my funeral?” Tony asked quietly, seeming almost hesitant to do so. 

“Not sure. Pepper and Rhodey saw him there though. Made for a very tense wake when they realised why he was there.” Steve sighed, remembering the very awkward conversation about why Loki was in the will. 

“He was there. Just invisible,” En replied. “He was at all of them. I could feel his seidr.”

“Have Shield left him alone?” Tony asked. 

Steve nodded. “After the statements went out, they tried to talk to him but we wouldn’t let them. He was going through a rough time, he didn’t need them making it any worse.”

Tony nodded, subconsciously picking at his fingers as he tried to think over the information. Loki was alive. That was all that mattered. Well, he’d lost two friends, but that was something he’d deal with another time. He just needed to see his soulmate. He had to see that he was okay. 

“I’m going to see him,” Tony said. 

“I’ll take you,” En replied before he quickly finished his drink. 

Thor looked at En. “Is it a good idea?”

“Why- ah. Uh, I’ll text.” En nodded before he typed something on his phone, Tony assumed a text to Loki. 

“Why? What’s happened?” Tony asked. “Has… has he moved on?”

En snorted. “Please, he’s still hung up over you. You, uh, you really think he’d ever move on?”

Tony sighed as he shook his head. He was hoping that Loki would’ve. That he would’ve found someone who wouldn’t die on him. Someone that could make him happy. He didn’t think that Loki would do that, but he could hope. 

“Are we leaving?” Tony questioned. 

En read something on his phone before he nodded. He put his phone in his pocket as he stepped over to Tony. He teleported them both to the driveway of the mansion, a small smirk threatening to show at the thought of what could happen. He wasn’t sure if Loki would say, but he would kill to see Tony’s reaction. Tony bit his lip as he fidgeted with his hands. What if Loki didn’t want to see him? What if Loki hated him? So many what ifs were racing through his mind, only snapping out of them when En put a hand on his tense shoulder. 

“Text me if you need anything, or, uh, get Lo-Lo to give me a text. You’ll have a phone by tomorrow. And, uh, don’t do anything stupid. See you soon!” En smiled before he teleported away, leaving Tony on his own on the driveway to his old mansion. 

It felt surreal. Tony wasn’t sure how it felt to be back. He walked to the door and knocked on it three times, it feeling official enough to be a knock but not too authoritative. It was relaxed. His mind itched to get a bottle of whiskey to drown his fears, but he didn’t know if there was any around, or even if Loki would still have any in the house. 

The door opened and Tony found himself choking on a breath. Loki was there. He didn’t look much different. Probably a bit more tired, but that was to be expected, he guessed. Loki was never one for sleeping. He definitely looked a lot more casual in leggings and a baggy t-shirt, his hair scrunched up into a bun, and – were they lama slippers? Adorable, Tony thought. He smiled softly as he took in the sight of his lover, even with the glass of wine in his hand, he looked authentically Loki. 

“Surprise.” Tony smiled softly. 

Loki’s eyes widened as he saw Tony in the doorway. How was he there? How was he alive? What if he wasn’t? What if it wasn’t Tony? Then again, En had text. En must’ve known. It was probably one of his tricks. Then again, not even En was cruel enough to do that to Loki. 

“Tony?” Loki asked, almost dropping his wine. 

Tony smiled as he gently held his hand out, silently telling Loki to check his thoughts to prove that it was really him. Loki gently put his hand on his, pulling away within seconds. His eyes were wide, brows furrowed and lips parted in a silent gasp. It was really him. 

Loki held the door open wider, a silent invitation. Tony smiled softly as he walked in, instantly recognising the place as home. He remembered the last time he was there. How Loki seemed so happy. So high. That wasn’t great, but he seemed sober now. That was good. He seemed a little healthier, but he didn’t know if that was an illusion. 

“Do you want a drink?” Loki asked, his voice shaky. 

“If you’re offering,” Tony replied with a sweet smile. 

Loki nodded as he went into the living room. He poured Tony a glass of rose and topped up his own before he handed the glass to Tony. He sat down on the sofa, Tony sitting down opposite with his glass. He took a sip as he watched Loki, a smile never leaving his face. 

“How are you here?” Loki asked quietly. 

Tony cocked his head. “Didn’t you look for that in my head?”

Loki shook his head. “No. I… I didn’t want to intrude.”

“I made a deal with Death. It just took me a while to live up to my part.” Tony frowned. “I’m sorry.”

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for. I was the reason for your death.” Loki took a sip of his wine in attempt to hide his frown. 

“Loki… that’s not true. I was always going to die that day. It was fate. I just wish it worked out better for you.” Tony frowned. “I knew what was going to happen, but I still did it. It was my fault. Not yours.”

Loki shook his head. “Then let’s agree to disagree.” He sighed. He finished his glass before he refilled it, wasting no time in doing so. 

“Loki… I’m back now. Isn’t that what matters?” Tony asked quietly, earning a small nod from Loki. It went quiet again for a few seconds before Tony remembered something. “I had dreams. Well, I don’t know what they were but they felt like dreams. It looked like this room, but dark. There were two candles, and I swear I heard your voice a few times too. It happened eight times. I… I don’t know if I was going mad or what…”

Loki sat up, looking at Tony with furrowed brows. “You saw that?” Tony nodded in reply. “I was trying to contact you. Hence the red candle. It… it never worked, though I never stopped trying.” Loki shrugged. 

“And the other candle?” Tony asked. 

“Frigga.” Loki frowned.

Tony looked at the god before he realised. Frigga had passed. He looked at Loki with a frown as he put his glass down on the table. He sat back as he tried to think of what to say. What could he do?

“I’m so sorry,” Tony replied. “When?”

“Perhaps an hour before you passed.” Loki shrugged. 

“Shit.” Tony frowned. “That… I’m so sorry.”

If Tony had known he would’ve rushed back sooner. Albeit he didn’t know how long it had been anyway. It felt a lot shorter than eight years, but he put that down to having no way to measure time. That didn’t ease his guilt though. 

Loki shrugged as he opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by footsteps coming towards the room. He put his glass down on the table just in time to see Peter running in, his eyes rimmed red and sniffling as he ran towards Loki. He gently picked Peter up and sat him on his lap, gently wiping away his son’s tears. 

“What’s wrong, Solskinn?” Loki asked softly as he gently brushed Peter’s hair with his fingers. 

Peter sniffled quietly. “N-nightmare,” he replied quietly. “There was a werewolf under my bed!”

Loki acted surprised, his eyes widening in mock shock. “Oh no! Should we go check it?” 

“No!” Peter replied quickly. “I checked! There wasn’t one!”

Loki smiled softly. “You’re so brave!”

“Like father?” Peter asked with wide eyes. 

“Exactly like your father.” Loki smiled, avoiding looking at Tony at all cost. “Do you want some hot chocolate?”

Peter nodded excitedly before he ran out to the kitchen, wasting no time to get his favourite drink. Tony looked at Loki with wide eyes, having his suspicions about who Peter was. Loki stood up as he finished the glass of wine. He put it down before he finally looked at Tony. 

“Hot chocolate?”


	39. 39. Nice to Meet Ya

“Who are you?” Peter asked the stranger in front of him.

Peter had seen pictures of Tony, and Loki was scared that Peter would put two and two together. After all, Peter wasn’t lacking in the brains department.

“Peter, be nice.” Loki chuckled as he squirted the cream on top of the two cups of hot chocolate.

“I am!” Peter whined.

“He’s just a friend, Solskinn. Remember your manners.” Loki smiled softly as he handed him a cup of hot chocolate.

Loki handed Tony the other cup, earning a small thanks in reply. Tony took a sip before he noticed Peter staring at him with wide eyes. He smiled softly and crouched down in front of him.

“What’s your name, kid?” He asked.

“Peter. What’s yours?” Peter asked, an excited smile on his face.

“I’m Tony.” The mechanic smiled in reply.

“My father was called Tony.” Peter smiled, unaware of the situation.

Tony sent a quick look to Loki, who was very obviously trying to avoid looking at him. Tony took a deep breath before he looked back at Peter, trying to keep a smile on his face.

“It’s a very popular name.” Tony shrugged.

Peter nodded and started to drink his drink. Tony looked at Loki, who still refused to look at him. It wasn’t long before Peter had finished, taking to rubbing his eyes as Loki took the cup and put it in the sink.

“Ready for bed, Solskinn?” Loki asked. “You’ve an early morning.”

Peter nodded as he lifted his arms up, deciding he was too tired to walk. Loki smiled fondly as he gently picked his son up before turning to Tony. He gestured to the living room before he walked up to Peter’s bedroom. Tony got the message, opting to just do as he was told. He walked into the living room and took his seat, waiting for Loki to come back.

He couldn’t believe it. He had a son. Peter was definitely his. What could he do? He’d only just come back from the dead. He couldn’t be a father. Then again, Loki had been a single parent for eight years. Well, from what Tony could tell. He had to face his fears.

“Sorry about that,” Loki said as he walked back into the room.

Loki quickly refilled his glass with wine, not wasting any time before he took a sip. He didn’t want to face the questions Tony had. He didn’t want to talk about it. It was always stupidly hard when he was just talking to En or Thor, but Tony? He didn’t want to face those emotions.

“I... you... we have a kid?” Tony asked, earning a small nod in reply. “Did you know when...?”

Loki shook his head. “I found out a month after your funeral.”

Tony rubbed his face. “I’m a horrible person.”

“You’re not. Neither of us knew. It was simply... unfortunate timing,” Loki replied softly.

“I didn’t even know that you could get pregnant.” Tony frowned.

“I didn’t think that it would... work. That it could work, even. The differences in our biology... it seemed unlikely.” Loki shrugged.

“You should’ve told me,” Tony replied.

Loki nodded. “I know.”

Tony shook his head as he looked down at the floor, his hand over his mouth. He didn’t know what to think about it. He had a son. Of course he did. It was bound to happen eventually, at least it was with Loki. But could he be a father? Wait...

“Am I going to be in his life?” Tony asked.

Loki looked at Tony with furrowed brows. “If you wish to be, and if he allows it.”

“I want to be,” Tony replied. “I really want to be. Do you think he’d want that?”

“He’d want nothing more.” Loki sighed.

Loki didn’t know if he really wanted Tony to be back in his life. He knew that Peter really wanted to meet him; but Loki didn’t know if he wanted to spend so much time with Tony. After all, he’d just die eventually. Could he go through the pain again? He just wanted it to all stop.

“I... I should go.” Tony frowned.

Loki shook his head. “This is your house. You can stay.”

“Loki, I gave you this place. This is yours, whether I’m here or not.” Tony shrugged.

“You can stay regardless,” Loki replied. “It’s up to you.”

“Are you sure?” Tony asked.

“I’m certain.” Loki nodded. “You know where the rooms are. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Loki didn’t leave any time for replies. He got up with his wine glass and put it in the sink. He made a dash for his room, trying to avoid contact with Tony as much as possible.

He closed the door and sank down against it, stopping once he reached the floor. He held his head in his hands, trying to stop them from shaking. How could Tony be alive? How should he react? He wanted to be happy. He wanted to hug him and never let go. He couldn’t, though. What could he do? He couldn’t get hurt again. Could he let Peter go through that exact same pain?

He couldn’t let that happen.

—————————

“Jam! Jam! Jam!”

Tony rubbed his eyes as he walked down the stairs, his mind barely registering the chanting he could hear from the kitchen. He hadn’t slept more than an hour, his mind reeling over the memories of death. Bringing death. He hated it. He wanted nothing more than to forget about all of that. He hated ‘collecting souls’. It felt like he was killing people. He essentially was.

He walked into the kitchen to find Loki cooking and Peter by the side of him, a wide grin on his face as he bounced, waiting for food. Tony smiled at the sight, but part of him ached at it. This had been happening for eight years and he hadn’t been around to see it.

“Tony! Hi! Good morning!” Peter’s grin widened when he saw Tony walk in. He ran over to the mechanic and waved.

“Good morning, Peter!” Tony smiled. “How did you sleep?”

“Good! Very good!” Peter replied. “How about you?”

“I slept like the dead.” Tony chuckled, making Loki tense. He frowned slightly and shook his head. “I slept very well, Peter. Thank you.”

Peter nodded and ran back to the cooker. Loki started to dish the breakfast up as Peter ran to the table, rambling about how breakfast was his favourite meal. Loki our two plates down on the table and then went to clean up, leaving Tony standing awkwardly at the doorway. After a few seconds, Loki turned to Tony, his brows furrowed.

“Aren’t you going to sit?” Loki asked.

Tony looked at the table before looking back at Loki. “Aren’t you eating?”

“I ate earlier, I’m fine,” Loki replied. “Sit, eat.”

Tony gave Loki a pointed look before he gave in. He sat down opposite Peter, forcing a small smile as he did. He couldn’t believe that he was eating breakfast with his son. Son. He had a son. A living son. How was that possible?

“Why are you both up so early?” Tony asked as he picked up his cutlery.

“I’ve got school,” Peter replied with a mouth full of pancakes.

Loki sighed softly. “Solskinn, what do I say about eating with your mouth full?”

Peter swallowed the pancakes. “Not to do it. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise, Solskinn. Don’t do it again,” Loki replied softly.

Tony smiled softly seeing the interactions between the two. He could tell that despite the concerns Loki had shared with him, he’d done a good job. A much better one than he could ever do, anyway. Could he really help out? Did he have a choice?

“So you’re going to school?” Tony asked Peter.

“Yeah!” Peter replied, his smile growing. “We’re doing a people we look up to and don’t know!”

Tony smiled at his son’s enthusiasm. “Who have you chosen?”

“Iron Man!”

Tony looked at Peter with a sad smile, his shoulders tensing. He wanted to say ‘surprise, you know him now!’ but he knew he couldn’t. He had to keep it a secret until he really figured out what to do. He didn’t know why, but that was all he could do.

“He seemed cool.” Tony nodded. “So you look up to him?”

“Yeah! He... he seemed nice. He wanted to help. Aren’s told me a lot of stories about him and I think he’s cool.” Peter shrugged.

Tony noticed how Peter’s smile disappeared and his shoulders slumped, his tone a lot less lively. So he knew. Tony frowned as he looked at Loki, seeing that he was still avoiding looking at him. Loki smiled as he walked over to Peter, rhythmically tapping in threes on his leg. He gently wrapped an arm around Peter as he gently kissed the top of his head.

“Hann væri stoltur af þér, Solskinn,” Loki said softly, to which Peter just nodded.

Tony hadn’t even thought that they’d be able to speak different languages. He hadn’t heard Loki say anything in another language, but it made sense that he would teach Peter the languages he knew.

“I don’t know what he just said, but I’m sure he’s right.” Tony smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

“I am.” Loki chuckled. “Now we best be leaving, Solskinn, or you’ll be late.”

Peter looked up at Loki before turning to Tony. “Are you coming?”

Tony looked at Loki, who just looked back at him. He could see that Loki was distancing himself and that hurt. Sure, Tony had been dead for eight years, but to see his boyfriend just try to ignore him? It hurt.

Tony shook his head. “I can’t, I’m sorry. I’ll see you later though, okay?”

“At the party?” Peter asked, his eyes widened.

“There’s a party at the tower later.” Loki clarified.

“Yeah, I’ll be there.” Tony smiled. “Have a good day, okay?”

Peter nodded. “You too, Mister Tony!”

Tony watched as the two left, his smile dropping. Loki didn’t seem happy to see him. Did he make the wrong decision? Was he expecting too much? To just waltz back and expect everything to go back to normal? He sighed as he rested his head against the table. He was exhausted. He hardly slept. Any time he tried he just remembered the faces of those he had to kill.

He didn’t know how much time had passed, but he knew he couldn’t stay there forever. He slowly got up, groaning as he did. Was standing up always so exhausting? He found himself working off of memory, his legs carrying him to the room he found himself in the most. The bar.

He saw that everything was exactly how he remembered it being. Some of the bottles had been replaced, but not many. It was the same otherwise. He took one last look at the drinks before he walked to his room. Well, his old room. Possibly Loki’s room. He didn’t go to that room the previous night, nor did he see Loki go in. He didn’t know if it was Loki’s, but he wanted to see if it had changed.

Tony opened the door to be greeted by familiarity. It was exactly how he remembered it being. He walked in, seeing that very little had changed. There were a few more books scattered around the place, but otherwise, it was exactly how he left it. How they left it after their weekend away.

“Is everything okay?” He heard from the doorway.

Tony turned to see Loki, leanign against the doorframe. Seeing Loki made his heart beat fast, his mind longing to give into the urge to hug him. He knew that things weren't okay. When were they ever when it came to Loki? He wanted to help, but how could he when he was being pushed away?

"Yeah, sorry," Tony replied. "I just wanted to see if you'd changed anything. It's familiar, I guess. It's nice."

Loki nodded. "As long as everything's okay."

Tony nodded as he rolled his shoulders. "How've you been?”

“I’m alive, am I not?” Loki raised a brow.

Tony sighed softly. “And how many times have you tried to change that?”

“I don’t see how that concerns you.” Loki frowned. “Though I’ve not tried since Peter was born.”

Tony wanted to pull at his hair, to scream, to punch a wall, but he couldn’t. He’d forgotten how insufferable Loki could be when he wanted to. He just wanted his partner back, but was that possible? Could that happen?

“That’s good.” Tony nodded. “How about using?”

Loki rolled his eyes. “This is none of your concern, Anthony.”

“No, it is,” Tony replied. “Even if we weren’t soulmates, I’d still be worried. Not just because you’ve had my kid but because I genuinely care about you. I want you to be happy. Is that so hard to understand?”

Loki watched Tony, showing no visible reaction to what the human was saying. Tony couldn’t help but give into the worry that he’d blown it, that he’d messed it all up and he hadn’t even been back a full day.

“Not since Peter was born.” Loki sighed. “I’m assuming they all told you why I moved here?” Tony gave a small nod. “Anything that could harm or negatively impact Peter I don’t do. You needn’t worry about that.”

Tony was going to worry about that. He trusted that Loki would be safe around Peter or as far as Peter was concerned, but he couldn’t help but worry.

“Okay. I just want you to be safe.” Tony smiled reassuringly.

Loki nodded. “Do you want a drink?”

“If you’re offering.” Tony smirked.

Maybe things were getting better.

——————————————

“Mister Tony!” Peter grinned a he ran over to the mechanic.

Tony smiled as he crouched down and opened his arms just in time for Peter to hug him. Tony’s heart was beating fast, knowing that the child in his arms was his son. He had to tell Peter, and he had just the idea. Loki had said that he was happy for Peter to know, but he couldn’t help but worry. What if Peter didn’t want him in his life? What if Peter hated him?

“Hey, kid,” Tony replied with a smile. “How was your day?”

“Good! I did more research on Iron Man!” Peter answered, his grin never faltering.

“What did you look up?” Tony questioned.

“The suits and how they worked! Did you know that they were made from titanium alloy?” Peter asked, looking at Tony with wide, excited eyes.

“I didn’t!” Tony replied, his smile only growing. He looked at Loki, seeing that he was watching, a small smile on his face before he turned back to Peter. “Hey, kid?”

“Yes, Mister Tony?” Peter asked.

“Want to see something cool?” Tony asked with a smirk, seeming almost as mischievous as Loki usually was.

Peter nodded with clear excitement in reply. Tony smiled as he got up, looking at Loki to check if it was okay. Loki pushed himself off of the counter before he went to follow Tony, who led the two to a locked door. He put his thumb on the key-hole, successfully unlocking it by doing so. He opened the door before leading them down the staircase to a room cut off by a clear wall. Tony opened the door, revealing the massive workshop.

It was exactly how he left it, making him think that Loki didn’t even go in. Well, judging by the house he doubted that Loki would’ve moved anything anyway, but it was too perfect for anyone to have entered. He walked to the end of the room, it being too bare for comfort. He pressed panel to the left of the wall, watching as the wall opened to reveal numerous Iron Man suits. He heard Peter gasp as he ran over, looking up at the suits in awe.

“Iron Man suits!” Peter grinned. He looked at Tony with wide eyes. “How?”

Tony smirked as he picked up a pair of sunglasses from one of the glass boxes previously hidden behind the wall and put them on. “I am Iron Man.”

Tony heard Loki snort from a few feet away. “You always have had a flare for the dramatics.”

“Hey, I haven’t had the chance to do this in eight years. I think it’s well deserved.” Tony chuckled.

Peter looked up at Tony before he turned back to Loki. He furrowed his brows, his mind racing as he connected the dots. Loki walked over to Peter and crouched down next to him, gently wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

“Solskinn, this is your father.” Loki smiled softly. 

Tony smiled awkwardly. “Hey, kid.”

Peter frowned, his brows furrowing. “B-but you’re dead-”

“I’m back now,” Tony replied as he crouched down in front of Peter. “I didn’t mean to die, and I didn’t mean to leave it so long. I’m really sorry. If I could take it all back, I would. I’m here now, though, and I want to get to know you. I want to be a part of this family again, if you want that too?”

Tony was worried that Peter would say no. He knew that it couldn’t have been easy for the kid, and he genuinely felt bad. He knew that he’d made a mistake, but what could he do? He didn’t have much of a choice than to make do with what he had now, if they’d have him.

Peter hugged him, surprising Tony. He gently hugged back, a small smile on his face. “Are you going to leave us again?” Peter asked quietly.

“Not if I can help it,” Tony replied quietly.

And he meant that. 

——————————————————

“I... I don’t know what I’m doing. What if I say something stupid? What if he hates me? What if I’m not a good father? What if-”

“Anthony, stop.” Loki sighed. “If I can do this then you can too.”

“But how do I know if I’m doing a good job?” Tony asked.

“You don’t. Welcome to parenting.”

Tony sighed as he ran a hand through his hair, putting his phone down on the table, the tab on ‘how to parent’ revealed to Loki, who was stood by the side of him. He didn’t know what he was doing. Why did he think that he could jump straight into it?

“I don’t know what to do. I- why is it so hard? Is this how you felt when you found out?” Tony questioned as he turned to look at Loki.

“To be truthful, I’ve still no idea what I’m doing. It’s simply striving towards what I wished I had as a parent and working from there.” Loki shrugged. 

Tony nodded as he ran a hand over his face. “How did you find out, anyway?”

“I was vomiting a lot and I had cramps. Bruce suggested that it was grief, though after a couple of weeks I asked Jarvis for a scan and that’s when I found out.” Loki frowned at the memory, remembering exactly what happened like the back of his hand. He couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if he hadn’t found out at that moment.

“Here? Or hadn’t you moved by then?” Tony asked.

“Here. It was the day I arrived here.” Loki nodded. 

“When did you tell everyone?” Tony questioned, earning a look of confusion from Loki. “Sorry, I just want to know what I missed.”

Loki sighed softly. “En was the first to know. We had just finished working on the reactor. My seidr was being unpredictable and En questioned it. I told him and we kept it a secret. Then a few weeks later Thor found out, then I told everyone else not too long after that.” 

“I’m glad you didn’t do it alone.” Tony frowned. “I just wished that I could’ve been there.”

Loki looked at Tony before he quickly looked away. He wanted to agree. He wanted to hug him and never let go. He wanted to go back to the way that they were, but how could they? 

“The past can’t be changed. We must simply make do.” Loki sighed. 

Tony looked at Loki, his frown deepening. “I missed you.”

Loki just nodded as he started to walk out of the room. “I’ll meet you at the tower.”

Tony frowned as he watched Loki leave, his chest feeling tight. What could he do? It was as if nothing ever happened between them. He ran his hand over his wrist, seeing the marks still there. They were still soulmates, so what happened?

It didn’t feel like long before he was ushering Peter into the car, taking him to the tower. He wasn’t sure why Loki didn’t want to travel up with them, but he said something about giving him and Peter some time to get to know each other. He assumed that there was another reason too, but he would check on that later, he thought.

Tony put music on loud, but not too loud, for the journey, which Peter seemed to love. He was dancing in his seat the entire time, making Tony laugh. They even had a chat about life, Peter asking what it was like to be a superhero. Tony couldn’t believe that his son was so sweet.

As Tony parked the car, he saw En walk out to meet them. In an odd way, Tony actually missed En. He wasn’t expecting that, but what could he do? They’d only known each other for a couple days but he actually liked En. He trusted him, at least.

“Uncle En!” Peter shrieked as he ran over to the elder, hugging him excitedly. 

En chuckled as he hugged back. “Hey, little demon. How’ve you been?”

“Good! School was fun! And- and I met my dad!” Peter grinned. 

En looked at Tony with a smile before he looked back at Peter. “Trust me, he, Uh, he isn’t as cool as he makes out to be.” He chuckled.

Tony rolled his eyes. “Nice to see you haven’t changed, En.” He smirked. “I’ll meet you inside though. I need to check something.”

En looked at Tony with suspicion laced in his eyes before he nodded, leading Peter into the tower without a second word. Tony sighed as he got back into the car. 

“Jarvis, play camera six provision M,” Tony said before the hologram popped up, revealing the bedroom in the mansion.

Loki was curled up in a ball against the wall, his shoulders shaking as if he was sobbing. Tony frowned as he watched, his suspicions confirmed. Him coming back had probably made things harder, but what could he do?

Did he make the wrong decision?


	40. 40. Face All the pain and Take It On

Loki walked in, his signature smirk plastered on his face. His tall stance and his head held high gave him the illusion of confidence, it radiating off of him to everyone in the room.

After his mini-breakdown, he knew he had to pick himself back up. Sure, he was shaky, but he couldn’t show it. He hadn’t shown it in years. He’d made sure to hide his pain. Not only for Peter, but for everyone else. For himself. He didn’t want any pity. Ever since he’d told the team that he was pregnant, all he had was pity. Pity was the only thing he had. Even after he gave birth. They all pitied him. He was a single parent. He was grieving. Of course they were going to pity him. It made him hate himself even more.

He smiled as Peter ran over to him, his heart bursting with pride. He couldn’t be prouder of his son. Considering everything that had happened, the fact that Peter hadn’t met his father until recently, that he was of royal blood, that he didn’t have much of a blood family, that he was forced into a destiny that he couldn’t change... all that, and Peter took it in his stride. He couldn’t be prouder of his son.

At first it was hard. Well, it still was, but he’d figured out how to cope. It took a while, but he’d found some ways. He never thought he’d be a good parent. He didn’t think he was one, even. He wanted to give Peter everything he wanted, he wanted to give him freedom, he wanted to give him happiness and safety, but could he? He couldn’t give Peter a family. A blood family. That was something he’d always feel guilty about. The team had been incredible though, Loki knew. They were like a family for Peter, and Loki couldn’t thank them enough for that. They had always been there to help, and even though it was mainly out of pity, Loki couldn’t be more grateful.

“Hey, Solskinn.” Loki smiled as he pulled his son into a hug. “Are you okay?”

Peter nodded quickly. “Yeah! Father told me some stories about Iron Man and Uncle En painted my nails!”

Loki chuckled as Peter showed him his sparkly blue nails. Very En, Loki thought. He followed Peter back to the sofa, the excited child practically jumping onto the sofa they held En and a bunch of nail products. As soon as Loki was close enough, En got up and pulled the god into a hug. Loki smiled as he hugged back, practically sinking into the elder. He’d missed En more than anything. En was his rock. He was always there to hold Loki through a breakdown, to be there to help pick up the pieces, to be there to help. En was the only one he really trusted, and that was comforting. He was glad that En had gone back to Sakaar. He knew that En missed his home, and he was happy that he’d gone back for a little while. It didn’t mean that he didn’t miss him though.

“It’s good to see you in one piece,” En said, his voice light and teasing even if there was an element of truth to it.

“It’s good to have you back sober.” Loki teased in reply, earning a gentle whack to the arm from the elder. He laughed softly as he gently pulled out of the hug.

“And to think I missed you.” En smirked amusedly.

Loki smiled softly. “I missed you too.”

En gently ruffled his hair, earning a teasing glare from Loki. The god fixed his hair as he sat down against a sofa on the floor, ignoring Tony’s look as he did. He didn’t want to talk to Tony. Not yet. He couldn’t prick up the nerve to do that.

He watched as Steve and Bucky practically dotted over each other. Bruce and Thor were talking quietly, more than likely discussing their wedding. Loki hates seeing them like that. They were waiting to figure out how to get an heir before they actually got married. Loki wished that he could help. He wanted to, but both Thor and Bruce agreed that there was nothing Loki could do. That he’d done enough. Tony was trying to be involved with the conversation between En and Peter, but everyone could see that Tony wasn’t in it. He wasn’t fully involved. He was distracted.

Loki knew that he was probably stopping things from going back to normal. He knew that he was probably being the little shit he was known to be, but what else could he do? What else was there for him to do? 

Loki sighed as he sipped the drink. He didn’t want to be there. Sure, he was happy to see En, but... to be surrounded by couples. Surrounded by people who were in love. Surrounded by people who had what he’d lost. Who he’d lost. Who he missed.

He missed Tony more than anything. Even though he was back... he missed him. He needed Tony back. He excused himself as he got up, quickly rushing out of the room soon afterwards. He found himself racing to the place he found safest in the tower. The place he once called home.

The floor was exactly how he remembered it to be. Only he and Peter used it when they stayed in the tower. He found himself going to Tony’s room, seeing it was as messy as it was all those years ago. He supposed he’d have to clean it now that Tony was back, but... he didn’t see the point. Tony would clean it if he needed it. Then again, should he clean it when he’d been dead for eight years?

Loki put his drink down on the desk as he started to pick clothes up from the floor, putting them back in their rightful places. He looked at one of the hoodies, one with a logo he knew as a sports brand, it was one he always stole. He loved it. It always smelt of Tony. He held it close to his chest as he buried his nose into the clothing, expecting to smell the familiar smell that he adored. The one he missed.

It wasn’t there.

He bit his lip as he blinked back the tears, quickly shoving the hoodie into the wardrobe. He carried on, taking deep breaths in order to calm himself. As he reached for the next piece of clothing, he was surprised when he felt plastic. He looked down as he picked the plastic up, his chest tightening when he saw what it was.

A picture of him and Tony on their weekend away. Tony took it when they were on the balcony. They looked happy. Tony looked alive. He couldn’t stop the broken sob as he clutched the picture in his hands, attempting to stop whatever cry may escape. He wanted Tony back. More than anything.

He felt an arm wrap around his shoulder, taking him by surprise. He looked up, seeing Tony. His dead boyfriend. Alive. Looking at him with clear sympathy. Pity. Everything he hated. He burrowed his nose into the human’s shoulder, sobbing wildly. Tony wrapped his arms around Loki, bringing him into a hug, one that Loki sunk into.

Tony could feel it. He could feel the spark. He could feel the instant connection. The warmth. The home. He’d missed it. All throughout his death, all he could think about was getting home to Loki, knowing he had the chance to. He knew to expect that Loki wouldn’t be okay. That he’d still be grieving. But part of him, just a little, hoped that Loki would be okay. That he would’ve moved on, even. That he would be happy.

“I’m sorry,” Tony whispered. “You’re okay. I’ve got you. You’re going to be okay.”

Loki shook his head as he bit back a sob. He pushed himself up as he wiped his eyes, sniffling quietly as he did. “I’ve heard that promise before, Stark. It’s not in my interest to fall for that once again.”

Tony frowned as he gently let go of his soulmate. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to die.”

“I know that. I know. I truly feel awful about what happened.” Loki shook his head. 

“But you shouldn’t. Just because I died doesn’t mean you should stop living.” 

“I never expected to... my plan was for you to live. To be happy. When I saw an opening where both of us could survive... I went for it. It went wrong. I’m sorry.” Loki looked down to the floor, his nerves peaking at how Tony would react.

Tony looked at Loki with furrowed brows as he took in the information. He couldn’t believe it. Loki knew that Thanos was going to attack. Loki was counting on it. Loki wasn’t counting on his plan changing. What would he have done if Loki died? He didn’t even want to think about it. Especially if Loki was pregnant... he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t even bare the thought of it. 

“Loki... if you’d died then Peter wouldn’t be here.” Tony frowned. “I’m glad it was me. I just wish it didn’t hurt you so much.”

Loki shook his head. “No. I wish it hadn’t happened to you. You... I should have checked. I was reckless. It was my fault and I’m truly sorry. You didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry.”

“Loki, stop apologising. Sure, dying wasn’t great, but... Thanos is dead. That’s what mattered. I just wish it hadn’t cost so much.”

Loki wiped his tears away as he shook his head. He couldn’t believe he was stupid enough to break down in front of Tony. He couldn’t believe he’d done that. Why? What was the point? Now he’d left himself in a vulnerable position. He didn’t want that. Not with Tony.

“It cost everything. Though he prepared me for that.” Loki shook his head as he sniffled. “He knew. I should’ve known.” 

“Loki, you can’t blame yourself for this. This isn’t your fault. None of it is. I punched Thanos. He grabbed me. I knew what I was doing. I knew that I would die. It was my fault.”

“Why?” Tony looked at Loki with furrowed brows. “Why did you move towards him?” 

“He... said something. I just reacted.” Tony shrugged before he smiled softly. “Your blue form is cute. The horns were a surprise. You looked adorable. My lollipop. Wait- my Lokipop!”

Loki looked at Tony with a raised brow, trying to contain a smile. “You’re insufferable.” 

“But you love it.” Tony grinned.

Loki smiled as he shook his head, looking away from the grinning mechanic. He gently reached for Tony’s hand, just to make sure that he was real. That he wasn’t hallucinating again. That he wasn’t dreaming again. When he felt the warmth of the human’s hand, he felt tears prick at his eyes. He was back. He was alive.

Tony watched his soulmate, his heart breaking at his reaction. He looked so defeated. So broken. His eyes were watering, his cheeks were tear stained, his nose was red... he’d never seen Loki like that and it hurt. It physically hurt him. He gave Loki’s hand a gentle squeeze, trying to keep a smile on his face.

“Hey, I’m back. I’m not leaving again. I don’t know how- maybe I’ll get a vampire to bite me, I don’t know, but I’m not leaving again. I won’t ever leave you again.” Tony explained, being as sincere as he could. 

Loki shook his head. “I can’t-”

“You can.” Tony interrupted. “Please. Stop shutting me out. That’s all I ask. I’m not going to ask to pick up where we left off straight away, because that won’t work. Not yet. So just stop shutting me out. Even if nothing more comes from it again, stop shutting me out. I’m here. I’ll find a way to stay. Is that enough?”

“It’s more than enough.” Loki sniffled. “I’m sorry.”

Tony pulled Loki into a hug, the god instantly melting into his touch. “Don’t be sorry. I understand.” Loki nodded slowly in reply. Tony smiled softly as he gently patted Loki’s shoulder. “Right, let’s get back before they think I’m an evil clone that’s been sent to kill you.” 

Loki chuckled softly as he pulled away, instantly missing Tony’s hold. He quickly wiped his eyes as he got up, making sure he looked okay. That he didn’t look like he’d just been crying. Tony gently held Loki’s hand, sending him a small smile.

“It’ll be okay, Kitten. It’ll all work out.” Tony smiled softly.

Loki looked at Tony with a raised brow. “I’ve always been meaning to ask where that nickname came from.”

“You remind me of a cat.” Tony shrugged. “Well, a kitten. You’re so amazed of everything. You get distracted fairly easily when you’re not in defence. You’re very cuddly. All in all, kitten.”

Loki chuckled softly. “You’re insufferable.”

“As I’ve been told.” Tony smiled. “Now let’s go socialise. We can save the gossiping for later.”

Loki shook his head amusedly before he led Tony out, not letting go of his hand. What Loki wouldn’t admit to was that he had a plan. He had a clear plan that was guaranteed to work. 

He had hope.


	41. 41. That Would Be Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... next up is a short epilogue. It’s sort of sad for this to come to an end but it’s been great to upload it and see just how much my writing’s grown since starting this. Even though I started this in June, it got me back into writing and I can see so much improvement in my work. It’s just really cool to compare it with what I’m writing now. I love this story and I’m so happy I started it. It got me back into writing and hopefully this time I won’t stop. Enjoy, and maybe week after next I’ll be back with a new story! Enjoy!

“Peter, I swear if you climb up those walls one more time I’ll pour oil over them-”

“If you do that then you’re cleaning it up, Tony!”

“Baaaaaabe-”

Loki chuckled as before he gently pressed a kiss to Tony’s cheek, Peter pretending to gag at the show of affection, muttering something about how ‘gross’ it was. Tony laughed softly as he gently picked his son up, Loki watching from the side in adoration.

“Are you both ready to leave?” Loki asked as he raised a brow.

It had been six months since Tony came back. Peter had adapted quickly, Loki noticed. He clung to Tony, seeming at peace with his father. Tony had taken to fatherhood quickly. It made Loki happy to see the two of them get along so effortlessly. It was everything he’d ever wanted. It was everything he’d dreamt of over the passed eight years. He just hoped it worked. He hoped that Peter wouldn’t have to go through the grief that had struck him. He hoped that it would all be okay.

“Do we have to go?” Tony asked softly, raising a brow as he did.

Tony didn’t want to go back. Not to Asgard. Not after the last time. He didn’t even know why they were going, but Tony had a plan. He didn’t know if it would work, but it was something he wanted to do before and what better distraction? Well, unless it went wrong. Then it would be worse, but he’d cross that bridge if he got to it. It was a risk, but he had to do it. He had to finish what he begun all those years ago.

Loki didn’t want to go either. He didn’t want to face what happened. He hadn’t been there since he bargained for Thor and Bruce to marry, but he hadn’t faced Odin since they argued. Since Frigga’s funeral. He couldn’t go back. Not without torment, but he had to. He didn’t want to go back into it. He didn’t want to drag Peter into it, but what choice did he have? He had a plan. He was too late last time, but he had another chance. He had to take it.

“You know we do.” Loki sighed. “I’m sorry. I simply need to retrieve something. Then we can go. We may not need stay more than a night. Perhaps then we can take a detour to Jotunheim.”

“Oh, fancy.” Tony smiled. “So what’s the deal with Jotunheim? Should I get a hat? Scarves?”

“I’ll take care of that. I have a spell I think may work.” Loki shrugged.

Tony raised a brow. “If it doesn’t?”

“I’ve tested it. It shall work.” Was all Loki said before he walked away to check the bags.

Tony smiled as he shook his head. As dangerous as facing the weather in Jotunheim was, he trusted Loki. He turned to Peter with a giddy smile, trying to turn his nerves into excitement.

“Want some cake?’

“Yeah!” Peter grinned.

Tony wasn’t complaining. It turned out En made good cakes.

——————————————————

“I hate this place.”

It felt like death. Tony noticed that the buildings that were destroyed in the fight had been rebuilt. Even after the eight years, he still hadn’t processed it, but he was dead. He didn’t have the eight years. It was still a fresh wound.

“You and me both, Tony.” Loki sighed. “Though we have to do this. Besides, Odin wants to meet Peter.”

Tony looked at Loki. “Is that a good idea?”

“No.”

Loki didn’t trust Odin in the slightest. Especially when it came to Peter. He wanted to protect his son, but how could he against Odin? He was powerless. He just had to be careful.

“When did you last see Odin?” Tony asked curiously as they walked down the Bifrost.

“Eight years ago. It was Frigga’s funeral. We argued rather publicly. I doubt he’s forgiven me for embarrassing him. Though now people know what he did to me.” Loki shrugged.

“You told people?”

“Well... I screamed at him and certain information came out. It wasn’t intentional, though it happened.” Loki shrugged. “Though that isn’t why we’re here.”

“Why are we here?” Tony asked softly.

Loki shrugged. “I need to retrieve something. Besides, it’s a nice opportunity for Peter to get to know the area.”

Tony looked at Peter, who was looking at the sights with awe. Tony hadn’t realised that Peter hadn’t been to Asgard before, but after hearing what Loki said... it didn’t surprise him. Besides, he’d rather have his son safe away from Odin.

The atmosphere in the palace was what threw Tony the most. Word had spread that Loki was back, that he was in the palace, and he supposed that they were getting ready for an attack. Tony hadn’t seen so many guards in the throne room before. Then again, Tony hadn’t been in there too often. Odin was sat on the throne, his shoulders tense and his jaw set.

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” Odin asked, his smile as real as his attitude.

“Simply a visit back to the place I was raised. I thought it would be nice, considering how long it’s been,” Loki replied, a polite smile on his face. “Besides, I thought you would’ve liked to finally meet your grandson.” Odin looked at Peter before he looked up at Loki, a brow cocked. Loki quickly intervened before the king could get another word in. “I believe it may be best we discuss this in private. Anthony?”

Tony looked at Loki, who just nodded. He sighed as he gently picked Peter up before he walked out of the room, heading straight to Loki’s room. Even if he wanted to go sightseeing with Peter, he knew it wasn’t safe. Not yet, anyway. So maybe it was time to tell some stories.

——————————————

“I remember that night,” Tony said softly. “It was nice. Well, the end was a bit dodgy, but otherwise... it was nice. Calm. I’m glad it happened.”

Loki smiled at the memory of that night. The night they met. On the balcony, under the stars. They were in the exact same place. Leaning on the balcony, just as they were eleven years ago. They’d been through a lot, but Loki couldn’t be happier that they were finally together again. That they were a family. That they could be happy again. 

“It was nice.” Loki agreed. “Hopefully we’ll have more nights like that. Perhaps we could throw a ball on Jotunheim at some point. That would be fun.”

“Is that where we’re going tomorrow?” Tony asked softly. 

“Well, I’ve got to do it eventually. Whilst I’m getting my shit together, I may as well do that.” Loki shrugged softly as he looked out to the garden. “I don’t know what to expect, though I’m hoping it will provide some stability for Peter, having a definitive idea of what he wants to do and give him the choice of careers.”

Tony smiled softly. “Always thinking ahead.”

“What can I say? I’m trying to appreciate what I have whilst trying to provide Peter with the best future he can get.” He shook his head. “I want everything to finally work out. Too many things have gone wrong due to my lack of planning. I don’t want that to happen again.”

Tony nodded as he put his hands in his pockets, fidgeting with the velvet box in his right hand. He didn’t know if it was a good idea. Whether or not it was good timing. He just wanted to finally do it. Eight years late, but better late than never, he thought. 

“It’s weird being here,” Tony eventually said. “Last time I came with plans. I wanted to meet your friends, then come here on the balcony, just like when we met. Just like before. I just... Thanos coming and me dying really fucked things up.” He chuckled sadly. “When you were fighting Brunnhilde, me and En talked. We talked about a lot. I don’t know if he told you about it, but... I’m glad he was there for you when I couldn’t be. He really cares about you. But- that’s not what I’m trying to say. I... I love you, Loki. I love you so fucking much. I know things haven’t been easy for us, and maybe it never will be, but... we can still be happy. We can still be a family. And I think that’s something we both want.” 

Loki watched Tony with furrowed brows, cocking his head to the left slightly. “What’s brought this on?”

Tony looked at Loki before letting out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. He got down onto one knee as he pulled out the black box, opening it in his palm to reveal a gold band with a green gem, runes carved along the band. 

“Loki Laufeyson, the love of my life, my everything, my soulmate-” Tony went on with a smile. “Will you marry me?”

Loki’s eyes widened as his breath hitched. He blinked back the tears as he quickly nodded, taking a small step towards Tony. “Y-yes, yes definitely-” He managed to choke out. 

Tony smiled as he slid the ring onto Loki’s finger before he stood up, being pulled into a bone crushing hug by the god as soon as he was standing. He smiled as he hugged back, holding his fiancé close. 

“Only eight years late.” Tony chuckled softly. “We got there eventually.”

“I love you,” Loki replied softly. 

“I love you too, kitten.” Tony hummed softly. 

Loki gently pulled away before wiping his eyes, getting rid of the tears that fell. He looked at the ring with a wide beam, Tony could see that he was infatuated with it. Considering how long it took Tony to find someone to make it, he couldn’t be more relieved. 

“I have something for you too,” Loki eventually said. He held his palm out, a golden apple appearing in it out of a cloud of green smoke. “It’s an apple of Idunn. It will give you the life span of an Aesir. That is if you want one, of course.”

Tony looked at the apple with wide eyes. Did he want a longer life span? Then again... he had a family. A family he only had ten, maybe twenty years with if he didn’t do anything. Could it be that bad? He had a family. That was enough. Was it?

“If it tastes nice then I’m down.” Tony chuckled softly as he looked at Loki. 

Loki smiled as he handed Tony the apple, finally feeling... Complete. 

They were going to be a family. 

That was enough.


End file.
